by S. K. Lessly
“Damn, Lexie. That’s amazing. From knowing you back then, I didn’t think you had it in you to be a boss. Tell me, have you fired anyone yet?” he asked me while smirking at me.
I sat up straight in my chair and gave him a stern look. “Yes, I have, thank you very much. It’s a crazy story, actually.”
An eyebrow rose and he placed his fork on his now empty plate. He wiped his mouth and reached for his glass of wine. “Yeah? Tell me about it?”
“You sure? I don’t want to bore you or anything. I mean, it’s an interesting story but—”
“Lexie, tell me.”
“Okay. Okay. Let’s see… okay so, someone on my team was doing some illegal hacking—”
“What were they hacking into?” Ethan regarded me closely. I stared into his eyes and became fixed on him, wishing like hell we could be talking about something else. Like, why he stopped writing me? Why he never called? Why he never kept his promise?
I sighed heavily, realizing he probably didn’t care one way or another, which was why he hadn’t brought it up.
“Lexie, you okay?” he asked, and I snapped out of my trance after realizing I had been staring at him.
“Oh, yeah sorry. Um… what was it you were asking me? Oh right, I remember. Hacking. Right. So, I discovered that this guy had been trying to locate his ex-wife. He unwisely used company resources to hack into the social security database to look for her. He must have thought we wouldn’t check things like that. Maybe he’s done it before and was never caught. I checked all the time. The last thing I needed was for someone to get caught looking at porn on my watch. Anyway, it took a couple of tries for him to successfully break in, but he got in and found her.”
“Was she hiding from him or something?”
“Actually, she was, yes. She had a restraining order against him because he was abusive.”
“So how did you find out what he was doing?”
He looked at me intrigued again as if he was really interested in this story. It wasn’t that big of a deal to me but maybe he liked this kind of stuff.
I gave him a noncommittal shrug. “He wasn’t that good at hiding what he was doing. As I mentioned before, I periodically swept our systems to make sure everyone was doing their jobs and not looking on porn sites, stuff like that. One day, I found an anomaly that stuck out. I dug deeper and found he had been hacking into places he shouldn’t, like the DMV, some Kansas school district, stuff like that.
“Anyway, once I put it together who he was looking for, I gathered all the evidence and was going to approach him with it, but he didn’t show up for work that day. He was actually out for two days, which was odd for him. Finding it very strange, I found the number to his ex-wife and decided to call her. I had asked her if she saw him and well… she freaked out on the phone. I told her he was looking for her and that’s when she told me what he was doing to her.”
“He went after her, didn’t he?” Ethan asked me, his jaw clenched, his nose flared.
I nodded hesitantly. “Yup, he showed up with a shotgun and broke into the house where she had been staying. Luckily, her and the kids got out of there in time, but if I hadn’t called her, she would probably be dead. Her and the kids. The police got to the house just as he did and they arrested him. They found four body bags in his pickup truck and a shovel. He had three kids 11, 7 and 5.”
“Did you send the police the evidence you found?”
“I wasn’t going to at first. I mean, I was afraid he would somehow come after me if he ever got out or something. But Lionel told me it was my obligation to do it so I sent it anonymously.” I shrugged. “Silly, I know.”
I looked down at my still full plate. I didn’t share with him how petrified I was for like a month. I wasn’t sure if they used my evidence in the trial or not. The only thing I knew was he was serving serious time for various offenses, but what did him in was the hacking of government sites. The government frowned on things like that. Take it from me. I would know.
The topic was dropped after that and we talked about simple things like if I enjoyed living in Philly and if he liked living in D.C. After a while, we decided to call it a night. I took the rest of my dinner home with me, along with some salad and breadsticks. I had been too nervous to eat but I knew I would be starving later.
The ride home was mainly quiet. He was concentrating on the road, and I was trying not to ogle him while he drove. There were a ton of questions I wanted to ask him, things I wanted to talk about, get out in the open. But, for some strange reason, I couldn’t get up the courage to ask. I kept telling myself he didn’t care. If he did, he’d broach the subject. However, that went both ways. If I cared, why hadn’t I started the conversation?
Maybe not talking about that part of the past was good for the both of us. Why bring up old wounds? Clearly, we both had moved on from our pasts. I was about to get married and he said he had someone special. I mean really, what if I asked him all the questions I was dying to ask and he confessed, ‘yes, you’re all I think about.’ What would I do about that?
A chuckle left my throat on that unlikely thought…
“What?” I heard Ethan ask which made me jump as if I had been caught doing something naughty.
I looked over at him, trying to seem innocent. “Oh nothing, sorry.”
“Lexie, I know it’s been a long time since we’ve seen each other but you know I can still can tell when you’re lying to me.”
“Oh please, you think you know me?” I said, smiling.
“I don’t just think I do; I know I do,” he said, confidence in his voice.
“Really?”
“Yup! As a matter of fact, I can tell you what you’re thinking about right now.”
When he came to a stoplight, our eyes met. The look he gave me, the seriousness in his eyes, made me catch my breath. Could he actually know what I was thinking? He continued to watch me, as if he could see right through me, and my heart started beating faster.
He then leaned close to me and smiled. “Ice cream!”
I laughed. “What?”
The light turned green and he started driving again, but not before answering me. “You want ice cream. A strawberry sundae to be exact. Remember your dad used to come home on Fridays with ice cream for everyone?”
And just like that, we were skipping down memory lane.
He pulled into the parking lot of the old Dairy Queen right around the corner from my house and found a parking space. I smiled at the memory. “Yeah, I remember. I also remember you used to eat yours and mine.”
“That’s cuz you wanted me to.”
I punched his arm playfully. “No, I didn’t. Since when did I say ‘here Ethan eat my ice cream as well as yours?’”
“Well hell, Lexie, the amount of time it took you to eat the damn thing it would’ve melted all over you. So, I helped you out. I don’t remember you complaining back then.”
He shut off the engine and we got out of the car and headed for the small line in front of Dairy Queen’s storefront window.
“Well, this time, don’t you dare touch my ice cream.” I pointed at him and he raised his hands.
“Okay, I won’t touch it. No matter how hard you beg me.”
I burst out laughing and he did too. We were laughing so hard I didn’t even notice Clint and Amber standing in front of us.
My back stiffened at the sight of him. When he turned around, however, I saw bruises on his face.
I put my hands to my mouth in disbelief. I turned to Ethan to gauge his reaction and found him in a staring match with Clint.
Clint did the craziest thing that very moment. He grabbed Amber’s hand and got out of line.
“Clint, what the hell are you doing? I want some ice cream,” Amber protested.
“Shut up,” Clint clipped. “You don’t need none no way. You’re fat as it is.”
Clint didn’t make eye contact with me or anyone else for that matter. He hauled ass out of the parking lot, dragging a
very pissed off Amber behind him.
“Hey Lexie, you gonna order?” I jumped when Ethan touched my back. I didn’t realize I was next in line.
I asked him, as I moved to the window, “Did you see Clint’s face? It looked like he was in a car accident or something.”
“Really? I didn’t notice.” I looked back at him with a retort on the tip of my tongue when he added, “You gonna order or what?”
I looked in his eyes. He wasn’t the only one who could tell when someone was lying. Instead of bringing this to his attention and going around in circles full of denials, I decided to drop the subject and order ice cream.
“I had a really great time tonight. It was really great seeing you again.”
We were back at my mom’s house. He and I were facing off, standing on the porch.
“It was really good to see you too. I’m sorry about your mom, but I’m glad I got a chance to see her.”
We lapsed into silence, me trying to figure out what to say to get him to stay for a while longer and him unable to hide how uncomfortable he was. I sighed heavily, feeling depressed. I’d been dreaming about this moment, about seeing Ethan again, and here I was finally living that dream and it wasn’t going the way I thought it would.
“So… when are you heading home?” I asked him, trying to fill the awkward silence between us.
“Actually, it will be sooner than anticipated. The meetings are going well. There won't be a problem selling our products. I don’t think my team and I have to stay another week. Plus, I have to go to another meeting in D.C. for a few days and that will determine if I come back here or not.”
I nodded, silence again and Ethan’s awkward stance making me sad. I decided it was time to put us both out of our misery. I walked up to him and kissed him on the cheek.
“Well, take care, okay? If you come back in town, and you have some free time, you’re welcome to stop by anytime.”
“Thanks, I will. Take care of yourself and your mom.” He reached in his pocket and handed me a card. I smiled as I took it from him. “And let me know if you need anything.”
“Thanks,” I muttered softly, turned, and stepped inside the house. I leaned against the closed door and listened as his heavy footsteps walked off the porch. A few seconds later, I heard the engine from his car start and him drive away.
I breathed out a sigh, a cyclone of emotions whirling around inside. I was glad I had an opportunity to see him again after all these years, but I was devastated too. I knew from just the look on his face and his body language that I would never see him again, and that sucked big time.
Chapter Six
Alexis
A week had gone by and just as I suspected, I hadn’t heard a peep from Ethan. I had texted him one day just to say hello and to give him my number. He confirmed he received it, asked after my mom and that was it. I shouldn’t have been surprised he ghosted me. I mean, why on earth would he want to spend any more time with me? Just thinking about dinner and how awkward everything was made me cringe with embarrassment.
But this was Ethan. Despite the disaster that was our reunion, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Old feelings and thoughts about what could have been were hitting me like a freight train. And I knew I shouldn’t be wrapped up in emotions of unrequited love, considering I was engaged, but I couldn’t help it.
When I dreamed about my happily ever after, the one person I thought about spending the rest of my life with was Ethan. Even after he moved away, I had still hoped for my happily ever after with him. I prayed he would come for me and we'd run away together. He’d even promised it. Told me in one of his letters to me that when I graduated, he would come for me. And like the hopeless romantic I was, I waited. I waited for a long time before I realized he wasn’t coming. Once my hope died, my dreams died too.
Then my parents split up, ending thirty years of marriage without warning. One minute my parents were hugged up and inseparable, the next my dad had announced he was moving to Florida, alone. Just like that. Seeing the end of a love I thought would last a lifetime changed me. I no longer looked for that once in a lifetime love. I didn’t think it existed. My parents and Ethan made sure of that. Lionel didn’t help with my jaded feelings on love, either. He was my very own cynical cheerleader.
Speaking of, I had been trying to get ahold of Lionel all week without success. When he finally returned my call, which was the end of the week, our conversation was brief and dry as hell. He even gave me a bullcrap excuse for not calling me back right away: “Fuck, Alexis. Some of us have jobs that require our undivided attention. I’m working a huge case that could catapult my career with the firm. I didn’t have time to talk to you.”
I shouldn’t have been surprised or expected anything more. It had been like that between us for a few weeks now. I couldn’t blame it on me not being home with him. I felt the disconnect between us way before I left to come to Dover for my mom.
Granted, I hadn’t always been this cynical. In the beginning, before my parents split, I tried to love Lionel. Really, I did. I tried to spend quality time with him, to cuddle up to him but he pushed me away every time saying he had no time to cuddle or talk.
And the sex… yeah that was mediocre at best, awful at worse. When we did manage to have sex, and I tried to give myself to him fully, it didn’t turn out the way I had pictured it in my head. Sadly, the thrill was over before it began.
For a long time, I had thought it was me. That his lack of stamina was my fault. I wasn’t very experienced with sex. My roommate taught me some stuff and I had used some of those skills on a few guys in college and got great reviews.
When I tried them on Lionel, it wasn’t as enjoyable. In fact, he yelped like a girl, pushed me off him and told me never use that skill on him again. I had thought he was joking. After all, he had come screaming and couldn’t move for at least five minutes. I didn’t even do anything that was man-code violation like stick my pinky in his ass. No, all I did was practice my Kegel exercise while he was still in me. Apparently, he couldn’t handle it. For close to three weeks he slept in the spare bedroom staying clear away from me.
Things didn’t get any better after that. He called me ridiculous if I tried to come on to him or wear something sexy. He told me one day that my body and sex wasn’t the reason he wanted to marry me. It was the idea of me; my presence and my potential success. I was okay arm candy, but I was better support on the home front than anything else. His words, not mine. With that running around in my head, and the lack of proof true love existed, I figured Lionel was right.
I didn’t need to be in love with him to marry him. Love wasn’t going to keep us together. Mutual respect and boundaries were going to do that. Did I trust and respect Lionel? Yes. Did I love him? I mean, truly love him? No, I didn’t.
But I had made a commitment to be with this man no matter what and I had planned on honoring that commitment...until Ethan walked back into my life. Now, I wanted more. I wanted more with the boy I had dreamed about for years. The problem with that was I couldn’t have it. Not with him. And since I couldn't have it with Ethan, I was lost.
Anyway, I tried to get my mind off of Ethan and his hotness by staying busy. I had gotten a lot accomplished this past week and I felt good about it. The neighborhood garage sale was tomorrow, and I had everything ready to be put outside. Emma even helped with creating the sale tickets for the items I was selling. Whatever I didn’t sell tomorrow, I scheduled the Salvation Army to pick it up next week.
The house was almost empty. All that was left was the furniture in her makeshift bedroom, kitchen dishes, utensils, table, and the bedroom I was in on the first floor. Everything upstairs was cleared out and waiting to be sold or given away. It was a bit depressing, but I knew it was a necessary evil.
A new chapter was starting in my life, beginning with taking care of my mom, making sure she was comfortable and shown as much love as I could possibly give. On top of that, I needed to figure out my life and first
up, setting myself free of Lionel, which ironically, I couldn’t wait to do.
***
It was late Saturday night and I was sitting next to my mom in her bedroom watching television. The garage sale was a success. I had gotten rid of most of my mom’s things and even some of her furniture. Sadly, there wasn’t much left of her life inside the house. Everything was either boxed up or sold. I knew they were only possessions; however, it was hard as hell to see her things being sold. It made her reality, my reality more real than what I wanted to admit.
During the sale, I had wheeled her outside and she stayed on the porch, enjoying the day. If she knew or understood what was happening, that I was selling her precious things, she didn’t let on. She was too busy chatting with her neighbors to pay attention to anything else.
By the end of the day, my mom was exhausted. Emma was able to wipe her down and get her ready for bed early, for which I thought my mom was grateful. I knew I had been. It had been a long, emotional day. I was exhausted. My mom passed out before Emma and I blinked, and after Emma left, I dropped too.
Fortunately, we both didn’t stay asleep for very long. I woke up starving, ready to eat and about an hour later, my mom woke up and I popped in a movie for us to watch.
So here we were, watching one of our favorite movies, Independence Day, with Will Smith. She was in her bed, propped up and I was sitting next to my mom in the comfy lounge chair, leaning back with my feet up.
We were heavily engrossed in our movie, watching Will Smith beat some alien butt, when my mom spoke. “Lexie Lu?” She used to call me Lexie Lu when I was very young.
I got up and went closer to her. “Yes, Mama?”
“Do we have any ice cream in the freezer?”
“I believe we do. Why? Do you want some?” I asked her and her face lit up with joy.
“Oh yes, that would be fine!” she exclaimed excitedly.
I couldn’t help but laugh. “Okay, Mama. I’ll be right back.”
When I returned, I placed a bowl of vanilla ice cream with some chocolate syrup on her bed tray and pushed it up to her for easy access. I watched in amazement as she held the spoon and slowly brought the ice cream up to her mouth. Most times, we had to feed my mama but there were rare occasions where she fed herself.
