by S. K. Lessly
I didn’t respond. I merely kept his gaze letting him make his own conclusion. Anyone who ever had the privilege of being a member of one of the most elite Special Forces units such as Delta never spoke about it. Mr. Stone knew that and the second he got what I was putting out there, he simply shot a smile my way and drank his coffee.
I could see his chest puff out a bit more as he sipped in silence and I had to admit, that made me feel good. It felt good to be able to give him that; I’d joined the army because of him. I’d wanted to make something of myself and I knew, at the rate I was going, I would have ended up dead or in jail. I needed a new sense of direction and what better way than to serve my country.
I glanced around the space and my eyes landed on a dark hallway where I knew led to Lexie. I placed my cup down and brought my eyes back to the only true father I knew.
“How is she?”
Mr. Stone looked at me then in the direction of Lexie’s bedroom door. “Not good.”
Chapter Nine
Alexis
I had finally abandoned the pacing and fell back against my unmade bed. I closed my eyes, feeling sleep wanting to take me under when I noticed more than one male voice in the kitchen. I couldn’t make out the other voice. I started to get angry all over again wondering if it was Lionel still hanging around. Maybe it was time for me to put everything out there and get rid of him for good.
I rolled out of bed and charged out of my room ready to use very harsh language, something that I rarely did, to get him to leave. I barreled into the kitchen, eyes narrowed, my mouth poised to spit venom but came up short the second I saw who was in my kitchen. Ethan.
I wanted to smile. Hell, I wanted run and jump in his arms. But I didn’t. Instead, I stiffened my back, folded my arms protectively in front of me, and bitterly asked, “What are you doing here?”
Ethan stood when he saw me and answered, “I, uh, wanted to pay my respects that’s all.”
Pay his respects? Yeah, I got his respects…
“Oh yeah? Well, I guess better late than never I suppose,” I retorted and I actually saw him flinch. I caught the disappointment in my father’s eyes, but I ignored it.
I blew out a harsh breath and glowered at him. “Thanks for your respects. You can see yourself out.”
I turned on my heel and headed back to my room, slamming the door. A few minutes later, I heard a knock at my door and my father’s voice. He didn’t wait for me to grant him entrance he just strolled right in. I stood straighter; bracing myself for the lecture I knew was coming.
“Alexis, don’t you think you’re being a bit rude? Ethan came all this way to see—”
“Please Dad, spare me, okay?” I said sardonically, my back to my father so he wouldn’t see the pain I felt. “I don’t have anything to say to him. Can you tell him to leave?”
“He’s gone.”
I didn’t want to admit how much hearing that hurt. Regardless of my words and actions, I didn’t think he would give up that easily.
I stood straighter. “Well, good.”
My father sighed and walked inside my room. He placed a warm hand gently on my shoulder and turned me to face him. “Listen sweetheart, you’ve been through a lot in the past few days, and I can’t promise you it’ll get better. But what you don’t want to do is alienate yourself from the people who care about you the most.”
I let out a breath and relaxed under my dad’s touch and eyes. “I know, Dad, and I’m sorry I’ve been in this room and not spending time with you. I just can’t talk about what happened and I don’t know where to begin without her so…”
My father cupped the side of my face gently before pulling me into his chest. He wrapped his big arms around me and hugged me to him. I melted into his tight, strong hold, missing the comfort of his touch, the protection and love that I always felt when he held me. He kissed the top of my head and rocked me back and forth. I closed my eyes; breathing in his scent, wishing things had been different. That he’d never left mom and that he’d been here with her. Here with me.
“I know it’s rough, sweetheart. I do. We have to stick together you and I.” He leaned back, cupped my face in his large hands and tilted my head up to face him. “We can’t become strangers, okay?”
I smiled through unshed tears. “Okay, Dad. I promise I won’t. When’s your flight?”
“Tomorrow. Come on and join me. I’ll make you dinner.”
He took my hand and led me out to the kitchen. I didn’t fight him this time. He was right. All we had was each other now. I needed him just as much as he needed me. I sat down and my father and I talked about everything but my mom as he made me dinner for the first time in a very long time.
The next morning, I awoke to a dull ache embedded in my chest where my heart used to be. I hadn’t been sleeping much in the last couple of days, only a couple of hours here and there. Ole mister sunrise and I had become very close friends as of late. I had to say right now, that was the only thing I could depend on to be there for me.
I took a deep calming breath then frowned at the smell that greeted me. I needed to take a shower like now. I needed to get myself together. My father didn’t need to see me looking a wreck even though I felt like one. The house was quiet, as I stepped out of the room, my dad probably still sleeping.
Once done cleansing my tired body, I threw on the trusty uniform I’d been wearing for days—fitted tank and cut off shorts. I brushed my hair a little for the first time in a few days, making the nappy curly fro I was sporting more presentable. I had zero energy to press it.
I took in my semi-haggard reflection after I was dressed and sighed. I needed to figure out how I was going to snap out of this funk I was in. I couldn’t live in this room forever, I knew that. I just didn’t have the energy to face the world knowing I’d be alone.
What was I going to do with my life? It was clear I would have to start over, get a new job, which wasn’t a hardship. I secretly hated my job. I was too smart for everyone there anyway and they knew it. Was even threatened by it. I was sure they would be happy to see me go.
I would need to find a new place to live. The apartment I currently lived in was in Lionel’s name. No way was I going back there to be with him. I needed to delete the useless weight from my life, pronto. I could do bad all by myself. I didn’t need his help to do that. But I did need help.
I lifted my weary eyes to the ceiling. “Mama, help me, please. I have no idea how to live for me. Where do I begin?”
I stayed in the bathroom waiting for an answer of some kind, anything, but all I got was silence. I left the bathroom more depressed than when I went in thirty minutes ago. My dad was sitting at the kitchen table and I went to join him, making up my mind to spend as much time with him as I could before he left.
“You want some breakfast?” he asked, and I nodded.
He seemed pleased with my answer and walked to the refrigerator to pull out a carton of eggs and bacon.
“So, what do you have planned today?” he asked me, but I had questions of my own that I needed to ask him. I wasn’t sure how this would go over considering I told him that mom was off limits. I just… I just wanted to know how he felt, and I couldn’t do that if I didn’t ask him.
“Did you still love her?” I blurted cautiously.
My father’s body stiffened for a fraction of a second before he bent down to pull out two pans from the drawer underneath the stove. He turned on an eye, placed one of the pans on top of it, and began opening the packet of bacon.
At first, I thought maybe he didn’t hear me, so I called his name. But I could see the tension in his body, so I waited to see if he would answer me. I guessed, if he didn’t say a word, I kind of had my answer.
Thank goodness he spoke.
“I will always and forever love your mother, Alexis. That wasn’t why I left.”
“Then why did you leave?”
My father shook his head and started peeling apart the bacon, and one by one he placed
them into the pan. The sizzling sound of the delicious decadence started filling the room, along with the great smell bacon always produced.
I figured he had enough pieces cooking when he turned around to face me, leaning against the counter next to the stove. “Sweetheart, things were very complicated between your mom and me. She was set in her ways. If she didn’t want to do something, she didn’t do it. There was no persuading her. After you left college and started living your life, I figured it was time for us to start living for each other. I wanted to travel, see the world, enjoy my wife. I told her all of this but… I don’t know, she just didn’t want the same things I wanted.”
I slouched a little in the unforgiving kitchen chair and studied my father. He was right about my mom; she was a stubborn woman and I kind of had an idea why my father left. I folded my arms in front of me and said to him, “You hoped if you left, she would miss you and follow you, didn’t you?”
My father looked away from me then, his eyes falling to his feet. He sighed audibly and I could see just how much pain and sorrow racked his body. He was feeling this loss just as hard as I was but for very different reasons. My dad was a good man. I knew he meant well. After all, he’d been married to my mom for decades. He had told me multiple times that it only took one look and he knew she would be his for a lifetime. He knew her inside and out and had dealt with her stubbornness for a long time. He probably figured if he pushed her hard enough, she would cave, call him up, and yell “uncle.” But that didn’t happen.
“Dad, I get it,” I professed, letting him off the hook, trying to give him a little bit of closure. “I think Mom did too.”
He looked up at me, hope evident all over him. I gave him a small smile. “We talked a bit before, umm…we went to bed for the night. It was odd that night. She spoke with such definitiveness, sorrow and remorse. Her eyes were clear. Her voice firm. We had a long talk that night, which was very rare, and she mentioned that she shouldn’t have let you leave. That she should have left with you.”
“She said that?” he asked on a whispered breath.
I nodded. “Yeah. I think she got what you were trying to get her to do, to live her life, but she was too stubborn and set in her ways to see that at the time.”
My father looked away from me, breathed out, then left the room. I stood quickly, surprised at his abrupt departure, but I didn’t follow him. I had hoped my words would have given him solace, but I was afraid I had done more harm than good.
I stood there for a few seconds, and when I realized he needed some space, I finished breakfast.
He entered the kitchen about forty-five minutes later dressed in a pair of tan khakis and a blue golf shirt. He didn’t seem right to me, but I didn’t bring it up or my mom. Neither did he. I instructed him to sit down and I made him a plate and gave him a fresh cup of coffee. We ate breakfast in silence until I couldn’t take it anymore.
“So, tell me how you’re doing in Florida? When can I come visit you?”
He gave me a hesitant smile, which was enough for me, and began telling me about the condo he bought right by the beach, and all the activities there were to do in his neighborhood. We talked for the remainder of breakfast. It was light conversation and I think it actually made us both feel better. Later, much later in fact, I’d bring up Mom again to make sure he was doing okay. In all my grief, I had forgotten I wasn’t the only person who had lost a good woman.
We cleaned up the kitchen together and I said my goodbyes right there. I didn’t want to walk him to the front door. It felt so final, as if I was losing my dad too, and I didn’t want to cry anymore. I think my dad understood. He kissed my forehead, gave me a huge, strong hug, and left. I watched him go, desperately trying not to freaking cry.
I was losing that battle so I figured I might as well collapse in the comfort of my sanctuary and let it rip. I headed for my room but stopped when I heard voices, other than my dad’s, in the front of the house. Curious to know who he was talking to, I headed in that direction. I opened the front door and found Lionel and Ethan standing with my dad. Ethan was shaking my dad’s hand, smiling.
He was dressed in a pair of tan cargo shorts and a fitted green tee with the word Army across his chest. And oh, what a chest it was. His tanned muscled arms were on display confirming my suspicions earlier that he had a body on him. I could also see the print of some very impressive abs. Lord have mercy!
I brought my eyes to Lionel and couldn’t help but compare him to Ethan.
My betrothed was in casual clothes, or as casual as he would get on a weekday. He wore dark gray slacks and a long-sleeved button down light gray shirt with his sleeves rolled up. Lionel had a nice body, lithe and fit. Compared to Ethan, however, yeah, he was lacking big time.
I closed off any emotion on my face from seeing Ethan a few feet in front of me. It was a good thing too because just as I crossed my arms protectively in front of me, Ethan glanced in my direction. He gave me a soft smile that damn near broke me. I couldn’t let that happen. I refused to break got damn it.
I narrowed my eyes at Ethan and freaking Lionel and said coldly, “What the hell are you two doing here?”
Lionel’s eyes shot to mine, surprised. Ethan’s grin spread deeper on his face, changing his features to more amused than subdued. Damn, why did he have to look hot doing that?
Lionel headed for me as if he hadn’t heard what I said. Or maybe he just hoped I wasn’t speaking to him.
“Hey, there you are.” Lionel smiled at me and started up the porch steps, but I put my hand up to stop him.
“Don’t you come any closer. You are not welcomed here. I have nothing to say to you,” I moved my eyes to Ethan, “or you, so why don’t you two just leave?”
I turned and walked back into the house. My heart was racing, and I felt the blood rushing to my ears. I was angry but I didn’t know why.
I heard the front door open and shut and figured my father was coming inside to lecture me again. I turned, ready to tell him to let it go when I saw Ethan come in the kitchen.
I rolled my eyes, cocked my hip to the side, and folded my arms in front of me. “Oh, for heaven’s sake. For someone who served in the army, you don’t you take direction very well.”
Ethan studied me carefully and stepped around me to stand in front of the hall that led to my room. I narrowed my eyes on him once I realized what he’d done.
Freaking bastard.
“Lexie,” he started, that stupid sexy voice of his hitting me hard. “I know I fucked up.”
I snorted and rolled my eyes and looked away from him, unable to keep his gaze. It was too hard, seeing the pain. The sadness in them was making my heart ache even more.
“Lex, I’m sorry okay? I’m sorry I missed your calls and text messages. I should have been here for you.”
I turned my head sharply. “You’re damn right you should’ve been. Where were you? Why didn’t you call me back? You said to call you if—”
“I know…” Ethan stepped closer, his hands up, palms facing me. “…and I have no excuse.”
I looked away again. The sincerity in his voice and eyes was beginning to crack the exterior of my protective wall. I could feel the stinging in my nose, my eyes.
I will not cry…I will not cry!
“Lex, I know you’re hurting right now. But the last thing you should be doing is holding that inside or letting it consume you, shutting out the people that care about you.”
I grunted but kept my eyes averted from his. Damn him!
“What do you know?” I forced out bitterly.
I felt him move closer to me, but he smartly stayed in the way of the hall. “Because I know how it feels, trust me.”
With that, I looked his way, fury twisting inside of me. “Oh yeah? Do you know what abandonment feels like? Because that’s what I’m feeling right now, loneliness and loss and emptiness...”
“You’re not alone,” he said softly.
“Is that so? Well, let me see…�
�� I brought my hand up and started counting off my shaking fingers one by one. “My mom just died and left me here alone. She was the closest friend I had, the only friend. I have no real friends, no one I could really count on.” I saw him flinch again but I kept going. “My father lives thousands of miles away from me. I have a useless man for a fiancé who doesn’t get me much less give a shit about me, and every chance he gets he dumps on me and tells me how useless and stupid I am. So, you tell me who do I have left?” I looked up at the sky then snapped my fingers and looked at him, nothing but sadness and despair in my voice and eyes. “Oh right, me.”
I could feel the beginnings of a serious meltdown. My body started to tremble, my lungs were contracting and expanding at an alarming rate and I felt my heart beat faster and faster. I needed to escape before I lost it.
“Alexis, I know that’s how you may feel but it’s not true. Look! I’m here now, aren’t I?” I heard Ethan say.
I laughed bitterly, painfully. “Are you kidding me? Do you realize how many times I called you?” My voice was in mid-shriek right now and I couldn’t stop it. “That’s all I did for days is call you and left you messages and you never answered your phone. You never called me back. I felt like a crazy stalker, like an idiot, but I couldn’t stop trying to reach you. I needed you and you weren’t there!”
I realized the distance between us was getting smaller and I felt the tears swelling up in my eyes. That made me even madder. I wasn’t supposed to cry. But I couldn’t stop laying it all out, using him for a punching bag.
Yup, I was in full meltdown mode.
“You popped back into my life and for what? To abandon me all over again, just like everyone else did. Just like my father, Lionel, and now my mom. I don’t have anyone else in my life that cares about me, that I can depend on. I don’t know what I’m going to do. How am I going to…? Fuck…I don’t…” I rubbed my chest, the tightness making me panic. My eyes and nose stung with impeding tears. No, no, no…
