He lay there flat on his stomach with dust pluming up around him and watched as Thomasina’s still-stockinged feet padded toward the entrance to the chamber her sister was so rudely breeching.
“Are you well?” Juliana’s voice said, similar to Thomasina’s, certainly, but not identical. Thomasina was more musical, perhaps a little more halting.
“Of course,” Thomasina replied, breathless from both shock at being interrupted in such a state, but he thought also from the lingering pleasure. His poor cock, which was now pressed against the hard and dusty floor, twitched in painful response.
“Why are you in your chemise and stockings?” Juliana asked, confusion lacing her tone.
Thomasina gave a nervous giggle. “Oh, I-I just wanted to lie down after supper. This was as far as I got by myself.”
“How did you manage to unfasten your dress?” Juliana asked. “I’ve worn that one before, I would never be able to unfasten it by myself.”
Jasper squeezed his eyes shut. If Juliana pushed, if she pried until the truth came out, that would only be just another scandal, minor or major, for him to deal with. This one of his own making because he had so little self-control around the woman who would be his wife.
And then he made it worse as he drew in a breath, along with some of the dust particles beneath the bed. His nose tickled and he clasped a hand over his nose and mouth, trying to hold back the sneeze. He couldn’t and it bubbled out, muffled by his hand.
“What was that sound?” Juliana’s voice came again.
Thomasina made a sound that was in no way similar to his sneeze. “Just me.” She repeated the little noise. “Bit of a scratchy throat, that’s all. What was it you wanted, Juliana?”
“Thomasina—”
“Honestly, my dear—” He heard her frustration in every word. “—I am simply so tired with all the excitement. It has been such a long week. I would love to just go to bed and start over tomorrow.”
Juliana let out a gasp that was clearly of displeasure. “Oh, I hate to think of you so upset at this terrible turn of events. But what can we do? How can I save you and fix all this?”
Jasper tensed at the question and the true fear and anguish that laced Juliana’s voice. She feared her sister’s future with him. But was that just because of the shocking circumstances of their engagement or because Thomasina had voiced similar concerns?
Would those worries change now that they were so intimately connected? He didn’t want her to fear him, certainly. He wanted her to be…happy, he supposed. Though holding the happiness of another person in the palm of his hand was certainly not what he had ever sought to do in his life. It was a dangerous thing, after all. Something he could easily make a mess of and end up destroying such a gentle soul as Thomasina Shelley.
He rested his forehead against his hand on the floor and fought another sneeze that rose up in him. This was impossible. They were certainly going to be found out.
“You needn’t fix anything,” Thomasina said, and their voices were fading now, as if she were guiding Juliana from the room into her adjoining chamber. “I promise you I don’t—”
She was gone then, he could no longer hear whatever she said to comfort her sister. No longer eavesdrop on her inner feelings about their impending marriage. He remained under the bed, twitching his nose. He had no idea if Thomasina had shut the connecting door or if the sisters would return. Until he was certain, he wasn’t about to reveal himself.
After a few moments, the door to the chamber shut. “Jasper?” Thomasina whispered. “Are you still under there?”
He pushed himself from under the bed and rose to face her. She was standing with a hand clasped over her mouth and tears were lit in her eyes. His heart ached at the sight of it.
“I’m sorry,” he began, and then let out the sneeze he had been fighting. It was followed by three more, and only then did Thomasina drop her hand away and he discovered she was…
She was laughing.
Tears of mirth, not humiliation, streamed down her face as she bent over, clutching her stomach with every bubbling giggle that rose up in her. He stared, not just at how changed she was when tied up with such humor, but because looking at her in such a state made him feel…lighter. Lighter than he had in a very long time.
“Oh God, when you started sneezing!” she giggled, wiping helplessly at the tears. “Oh Jasper, you should have seen my face! I know I was as red as a currant and poor Juliana must think my room is positively infested with some kind of squeaking animals.”
“Squeak,” he argued. “I’ll have you know I never squeaked in my life.”
Her laughter grew louder. “I beg to differ, my lord. Squeak you did!”
“Well, be that as it may, I’m glad you think it’s funny,” he said with a shake of his head and a small smile of his own. He motioned down at his dark clothing, which was now pale gray with dust. “Look at me.”
She came a step closer and her laughter continued. “Oh, Jasper,” she wheezed. “Your lovely vest.”
He shot her a playfully dark look. “My valet will certainly have questions.”
She moved around the bed now and his awareness of her ratcheted up as she began to brush the dust away from his clothes. She was giggling helplessly as she did it, completely unaware of him as he stared down at her, wanting her so much that it stunned him. And there she was, within arm’s length, still in that flimsy chemise and it would be so easy to just…
But no. He had to regain some self-control. They had already almost been caught in a most compromising position. He had to remember that he was a gentleman and he had to wait for what he wanted, just as he should have from the start.
“I am sorry,” he said softly.
She jerked her face up to look at him instead of his dusty waistcoat. “Why?” she asked, and her tone held genuine confusion.
He motioned his head toward the door. “We were almost caught. I ought to have been more mindful of the humiliation I could have caused you tonight. The scandal.”
She wrinkled her brow, and instead of continuing to brush off his vest, she rested her hand gently on his chest. He felt the warmth and weight of each of her fingers and was keenly aware of both the desire they inspired and the peace that unexpectedly followed.
“What scandal is that?” she asked.
He motioned again to the door and rolled his eyes as he tried to keep focus. “Your sister.”
She smiled and shook her head. “You mean if Juliana had realized you were under my bed? You mean if she had confronted me about having you in my room doing…well, some very naughty things.”
The way she said very naughty made his stomach tingle and need spread through his veins.
“Yes,” he said through clenched teeth.
“I might have been a bit embarrassed,” she admitted with a small shrug. “But I promise you that my beloved and highly protective sister would never allow a scandal to follow such a discovery. She wouldn’t have said anything to anyone.”
“It was still imprudent of me,” he muttered.
She tilted her head. “Perhaps we were both a little imprudent, but that doesn’t mean what we did was wrong. Jasper, we are to be married in a few days. Doing this…what we did…it isn’t such a terrible thing. Not scandal-worthy, at any rate. And I hope you are not truly sorry that it happened, because I’m not.”
He stared down into her upturned face, still a little flushed from her laughter and excitement and the pleasure she had experienced at his hands. She certainly didn’t look upset. A fact he was truly happy about.
“You aren’t sorry?” he repeated.
She shook her head. “Not at all. I was nervous about our wedding night, about whatever would be expected of me when it came to…wifely duties. It is often described to ladies in rather dire terms. But now I am…I’m not afraid anymore of what will happen. In truth, I…” She trailed off as her cheeks brightened with high color again. “I-I look forward to it if it will be anything like w
hat we did today.”
He swallowed hard. “It will be better,” he promised, his voice low and rough with the desire that coursed through him whenever he was near this woman.
Her lips parted and her breath shuddered out in a choppy exhale. “I trust you,” she whispered.
He flinched at that sentence, so small and yet so powerful. So undeserved, considering he was already keeping things from her. He turned away, for he was not yet willing to share those things. “I will endeavor to make you happy that you give me such a gift. Now I should go before anyone else bursts in on us and I end up under the bed again. I don’t think my constitution can take the dust.”
“Very well,” she said, tracking him as he moved to the door to the hallway. He heard the concern in her voice. The worry that perhaps she had done something wrong. Of course, she hadn’t. He had.
But until he knew more about the circumstances of Anne’s disappearance, he couldn’t say anything to her. He wouldn’t.
“Goodnight,” he said, turning to look at her one more time at the door.
She stood beside the bed where he had stolen her pleasure, hands clasped against her thighs, watching him intently. But her voice didn’t tremble as she said, “Goodnight, Jasper.”
He left her then because he had to. He left her because if he stayed he would never leave. And that was the kind of connection that could change everything, that could take his control. He couldn’t allow for that. Not today. Perhaps not ever.
Chapter 10
Juliana adjusted the veil, pinning it into Thomasina’s hair gently as she watched her work in the mirror. Thomasina shifted as she looked at the image of a woman she hardly recognized. Herself, after all.
And yet different.
She had been different since Jasper touched her a few days before. He hadn’t made any effort to repeat that touching during the whirlwind that had at last taken her to this day, her wedding day. But she had certainly touched herself since, exploring the places where he had made her shake with pleasure.
It was an education to say the least, and now she looked forward to their wedding night all the more.
“At least we did not have to alter Anne’s gown,” Juliana mused.
“Yes, I have inherited a great deal from our wayward sister,” Thomasina whispered as she pushed away the more sensual thoughts and replaced them with worries. She caught Juliana’s eye in the mirror image and shrugged. “I thought she would have come back by now, dragging a husband behind her.”
Juliana nodded. “I admit, so did I. Gretna Green is not so far. At least she could have written us.”
They sat in silence for a moment, their shared fears hanging between them like a guillotine poised to slash their hopes and dreams.
“I miss her more than anything. Like a limb was cut from my body. I dream of her nightly,” Juliana whispered.
Thomasina’s lips parted. “I have dreamed of her too. I see her rowing away on a boat in the fog and I can’t—”
“You can’t reach her,” Juliana breathed. “I have had the same dream.”
“If we are dreaming the same worrisome thing, do you think she is well?” Thomasina asked.
Juliana let out a shuddering sigh. “I have no idea. I pray she is, but I fear the worst. What kind of man would—”
She cut herself off and walked away from Thomasina, but the unspoken words rang in her head. Poisoning everything else.
“There is nothing we can do,” Juliana said softly, perhaps more for herself than for Thomasina.
“Isn’t there?” Thomasina said.
“No. It’s up to Father and perhaps Lord Harcourt to pursue her now.” Juliana clenched her fists at her sides. “Not that either of them seems interested in doing so.”
Thomasina bent her head. Juliana wasn’t wrong. Their father was laissez-faire about the entire situation regarding Anne. Jasper also cut off the subject any time it came up.
“Then perhaps we should,” Thomasina said. “We are limited in our resources, of course, but we don’t have to sit around waiting to hear the worst, do we? We could interview the servants, we could search more closely in Anne’s room.”
Juliana lifted her gaze. “We could,” she conceded. “Though I admit I fear what we might find. It’s why I haven’t brought up that exact suggestion myself.”
Thomasina felt tears sting her eyes and blinked them away. “But we have to be brave, don’t we? For Anne?”
Juliana’s throat worked gently at that statement. She nodded. “Yes. For Anne, we must. And we will do exactly that once this wedding is over.” She lifted her chin, and there was the forced smile that didn’t reach her eyes. “But we do have something else to discuss before I send you out into the day to wed this man.”
Thomasina blinked in surprise at the change of subject, though she did feel better knowing Juliana wanted to pursue more information about their sister. “We do?”
“Yes, er—” Juliana flushed crimson and refused to meet her stare. “Er…the expectations of a wedding night. Since no one else is going to step up and offer any advice, I feel it falls to me as your older sister.”
“By four minutes,” Thomasina said with a smile. “And what advice can you give me, unless you have had lovers you never disclosed?”
Juliana’s furious blush deepened in answer to that question. “Of course not. But before we left London for Harcourt Heights, we…Anne and I…we…”
Juliana shifted with discomfort and Thomasina shook her head. “What?”
“We found a book,” Juliana said slowly. “Well, I found a book. And Anne found me with the book.”
“A book? What kind of book? Why wasn’t I invited to look at the book?” Thomasina asked, firing off one question after another.
Juliana shrugged. “You were at the museum with our cousins. And it was a very…a very naughty book. Anne was insistent about reading it from cover to cover. She said it might help her prepare for a wedding night.”
Thomasina stared, her jaw dropped open. “Great God, Juliana! And what did the book say?”
“Show, actually.” Juliana shifted. “There were illustrations. Very explicit. I should have brought it, as it is hidden in London, but Anne had already looked at it and I didn’t think I would be forced to have this talk with you for some time yet. Father would have to be appeased for a while with his earl. We would have had more time before he turned his machinations on you or me.”
“You are purple and you are rambling,” Thomasina interrupted. “So it must have been quite a book.”
She flashed to Jasper, his hand between her legs, his fingers doing magical things. Was that in the book?
“Yes. The women in the illustrations actually looked happier with their…situation than perhaps we were led to believe by our aunts and married cousins.” Juliana huffed out a breath. “But I can explain to you if you’d like.”
Thomasina bit her lip. “Er, no. I mean, I’d certainly be interested in seeing your book when we all go back to London, but I think I shall trust my husband to introduce me to…to the pleasures of our marital bed.”
Juliana tilted her head in surprise. “Oh. So you believe there will be pleasures?”
“I do,” Thomasina whispered with a smile. “He has…he has been nothing but gentle with me since our strange circumstances brought us to this day. And when he kisses me—”
“He kissed you?” Juliana gasped, leaning forward. “When, where?”
“A few times since Anne left,” Thomasina said. “And I liked it. Very much.”
Juliana seemed to ponder that a moment. “I’m surprised. Anne always talked about how cold Lord Harcourt was, how distant. I didn’t think he could be passionate in any way.”
A sudden desire to defend Jasper rose up in her, but Thomasina tamped it down. There was no reason to reveal her growing attachment to Juliana, who would surely only point out the foolishness of it all. Rightly so, perhaps.
“I think they were not a good match,” she said instead
. “And maybe he and I could be a better one. At any rate, this is happening almost right this moment and I am…I must be…content with the outcome.”
Juliana stepped forward as Thomasina got to her feet, and together they looked in the mirror. They were parallel images of each other, but for Thomasina’s pretty wedding dress. The only remnant of Anne. Anne, who she ached for on this most important of days.
“I worry about you as much as I do her,” Juliana mused. “But if you claim you could be happy with this man, I will do anything in my power to ensure you will be.”
“I know you will, you always fix things,” Thomasina reassured her.
Juliana’s smile faltered and she turned toward the door. “We should go down, I’m certain they are waiting for us. For you, really. It’s time.”
Thomasina’s heart leapt at those two words, which held so much power. It was time. Time to surrender the name Shelley and take the title of Harcourt. Time to give herself over to a man who confused and confounded her. Time to become his wife and then his lover.
It was time to start the new chapter in her life.
Jasper held out a glass of champagne to his mother and tried not to contemplate the cost of such an extravagance. Shelley was paying for it, so he supposed he should just enjoy it, but he couldn’t help trying to track it in the ledger that always ran in his mind.
“And so you are married,” Lady Harcourt said. “Which makes me the dowager.”
“It does,” he said, focusing his attention back on her. His mother was dressed beautifully, not a hair out of place, looking the part of mother of the groom. Except she didn’t smile. She never smiled. “I hope you are not unhappy with that outcome.”
She shrugged and stared off into the crowd without any emotion on her face. Jasper frowned. He was doing all this partly for her, to make up for the shame she had been forced to carry both by her husband and by his firstborn son. And yet nothing Jasper did ever seemed to help her. Change her. Please her.
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