by Kylie Scott
Oh God. No. No, I didn't.
Sitting back on my heels, I slapped a hand over my mouth. Breathing through a panic attack was hard enough. Breathing through a panic attack while giving a blowjob was even harder.
"Hell. Alex, are you all right?" Joe quickly pulled up his pants, tucking his softening dick out of sight. Then he handed me a bottle of water. I swallowed a good half of it down, stopping only to slump over and give the whole breathing thing another go.
"I should have pulled out," he said. "I didn't even ask. Sorry."
I held up a hand. "It's fine."
Poor man probably thought he'd nearly choked me with his cum or something. Which kind of had happened but not in the way he was thinking. My heart hammered, sweat sliding down the side of my face. All good. No problem. I was not in love with Joe Collins. That had just been some strange mental aberration brought on by proximity to his magical, truly talented cock or something. Let's not get all emotional and start feeling things we shouldn't be. I'd given the man head, not my heart. Because falling for him would be dumb, stupid, careless, and more.
He already had too much going on in his life right now. Exactly as he'd said.
"Went down the wrong pipe," I whispered, patting my chest.
More heavy-browed concerned looks from him.
God, how embarrassing. I finished off the rest of the water, slowly getting myself back under control. "Let's get back to work."
"Are you sure?"
I nodded, as weak and jittery as a bobble-headed doll. Offering me a hand, he helped me to my feet. Sad to say, I think I needed the assistance. Gently, he brushed my hair out of my face, watching me oh so carefully. I had the stupidest impulse to cry, to hide my face in his chest and bawl like a baby. Not good.
"Painting," I said, retrieving my brush from out of the tray. The shaking went away after a while, but Joe's eyes kept returning to me for the rest of the day. Never mind. He didn't need to know about my dumbass revelation. Hell, once we'd finished up here, I had every intention of drinking until I no longer knew about it either.
This was no time for love. Not for him, and therefore, not for me.
*
The knock on my hotel door came around ten o'clock that night, disturbing my intense study of the ceiling. My mind hadn't been able to settle on anything else. Apparently, no movie or book currently available could distract me from the overwhelming misery of being in love with Joe Collins. It was just like being fourteen again, minus the pimples. Everything sucked and I was doomed.
Surprisingly, I opened the door to find him standing there. His hands were stuffed in his jeans pockets. "Can I come in?"
"Sure." I stepped back, closing the door after him. As the usual, he took up all of the space, all of the air in the room. There was only him and me. "How did you get here?"
"Cab."
"Is everything okay?"
He didn't respond immediately.
Since I was doing all of the driving, I'd dropped him off at his place over an hour ago. We'd gotten out early, it'd been a pretty quiet night at the bar. A good thing, since his one good hand and my lack of experience behind the bar did not make for speedy service.
He sat on the end of the bed, a hand braced on his knee, eyes troubled. "Star and Mom went to visit Nell tonight."
"How is she doing?"
He winced. "About as well as you'd expect, I guess. They've given her good pain meds, apparently. She's comfortable enough. But that doesn't help with knowing she lost the baby."
"She's grieving."
"Yeah."
"It's horrible." I sat opposite him on the chair, not quite knowing what to do with myself. God only knew what my lovelorn heart might attempt if I plonked myself down beside him. Sonnets, bad poetry, or just a random declaration. Whatever happened, I couldn't tell him about my feelings. The poor man's back was already bowed under the weight of all of the current emotional pressure; adding my earlier revelation to the mess would not help. I wanted to be his wonderwall. His place to rest and heal. The person who had his back, no matter what. That's how I'd show him my love without doing any damage.
"Has anyone heard from Eric?" I asked.
"Ah, yeah." He offered a brief smile. "That's the good news. He texted earlier, said he'll be back in a day or two."
"Good. That's great."
"I've been really worried about him." He cleared his throat. "Alex ... when Mom dropped Star back, she was upset. Crying."
My insides tensed. The old enemy, anxiety, shooting through me. "She and Nell are close, right? You said they were good friends."
A nod.
"It must have been upsetting for her to see Nell hurting."
He just stared at me.
"What happened, Joe?"
"I just, I was just trying to comfort her. Holding her, you know?" His mouth tensed. "Then she started kissing me and ... I stopped it. I, ah, I did."
"Okay."
"She wants for us to try again. We used to be really good together before shit fell apart," he said. A simple statement, though it hurt like hell. "She says she made a mistake, leaving."
Not a surprise. Joe might have chosen to be oblivious, though Star had made her intentions pretty damn clear.
His fingers speared roughly through his hair. "I told her I'd forgotten something at work. Got out of there."
Questions poured through my head, but I said nothing. I had no rights in this situation, not really. Despite today's accidental oral, he'd made it clear we were over, or unofficial, or whatever the hell exactly we were. And I'd said I accepted it, but would stay to help him anyway.
Yet here he was, confessing. The situation was beyond confusing.
"Do you believe me?" His gaze pinned me to the chair.
"Yes."
"Good." Slowly, his shoulders relaxed, lowering. "I can't handle this coming from her, any more than I can continue things with you. Sooner or later, you're going to have to go home. Who the hell knows when we'll see each other again. Eric's going to need me to have his back; the baby's funeral is the day after tomorrow. It was a little girl, did you know that? I had a niece."
"I'm so sorry."
"I haven't even heard from Dad, but I know Mom is just devastated. God knows when Nell will be back on her feet," he said. "My family need me here."
My heart at my feet, I nodded. "I know."
"But I haven't even told you the best of it."
"What?"
"The idiot that hit us found out his insurance won't cover the cost of repairs," he said. "So he's suing me."
"Wha--" I shook my head, my forehead scrunched up. "How the fuck is that even possible? What planet is he calling this in from?"
He rubbed the back of his neck. Suddenly, pain filled his eyes and he winced, carefully bracing his cast with his free arm. "I don't know. Got an old school friend who is a lawyer. I'll call her tomorrow, see when we can talk."
"That's insane that he would come after you." Fury filled me from top to toe. "God damn it."
"Yeah."
"He was the one driving with no fucking lights on!"
Joe said nothing, a wide yawn cracking his jaw. "Christ, I'm tired. I don't remember ever being this tired before."
"Lie down," I ordered, getting to my feet, then kneeling at his and undoing his shoes.
"Alex." Worry lined his face.
"We're not having sex or doing anything fun. We're sleeping." I pulled off his boots and smelly socks. Such is the joy of love. "Go on."
"I'm not sure. I know things got intense between us today, but--"
"You don't want to lead me on," I said. "Relax, Joe. I'm not going to try and start something, launch a surprise attack or something. Can you say the same of Star?"
The dubious look on his face said everything.
I yanked off his second boot and sock with a smile. "Your virtue is safe with me. Lie down."
"Thank you," he said, rising to his feet.
I turned down the bed then stepped back so
he could lie down. There were shadows under his eyes I hadn't noticed earlier. More lines on his face than there had been previously. I fetched him an extra pillow for his broken arm, making sure he was comfortably settled for the night. Eyelids closed, he looked slightly more relaxed. Not much, but a little.
When I crawled in beside him, I made sure to leave a definite couple of inches between our bodies. Switzerland, the no-go zone. After all, the man needed his space. Despite this, he reached out, grabbing my hand and holding on tight. The warmth of his skin and the rough patches of his callouses, even the contained strength in his long fingers; I did my best to memorize it all.
Somewhere in the darkness, the sand was slipping through the hourglass, my time left in Coeur d'Alene disappearing to naught.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
I don't believe I'd ever seen anything sadder than the tiny white coffin sitting up in the front of the church.
Roses in every color of the rainbow overflowed from vases and a pianist played softly. The minister spoke, her voice soothing, flowing straight through me. No idea what she said, though. What could you possibly say to help during a time like this? At the myriad of possibilities such a small life would never get to explore. A beloved daughter, a granddaughter, and niece. She was all of these things and yet none.
I sat near the back, leaving plenty of room for family and longtime friends of Nell and Eric. Tears flowed from almost everyone. Nell sat up front between Patrick and Eric. Vaughan, Lydia, Rosie, and Andre sitting on the left, and Joe, Star, and his parents on the right. Afterward, over a hundred colorful helium balloons were released by the mourners. Set to drift off up to the sky, disappearing into the heavens.
Life didn't last anywhere near as long as we thought. For all its occasional drudgery, it could be so fleeting. Nothing was certain.
Like Patrick, Star remained at Nell's side during the wake. Nell clutched her hand fiercely, obviously grateful to have her there. I hoped for Nell's sake, Star did decide to stick around for a while. The Collins' house was packed with mourners, Taka, Rosie, and Boyd from Dive Bar seeing to all of the food and drink. Joe's mom seemed so pale, a ghost of herself wandering in and out of rooms as if she didn't know where she belonged. Stan sat in a lounge chair, staring off at nothing.
It hurt to see Joe's family and friends like this.
Wrapped up in a woolen jacket, I headed out onto the back patio to get some air. Crying had helped let out some of the emotion and tension filling up inside of me. But it didn't do anything to ease me feeling like an outsider. Nor the growing anxiety over me needing to get back to my work. The mother of all jobs had fallen into my lap via email the night before. Fortunately, the customer was willing to give me a week to finish up here in Coeur d'Alene before getting down to business. It felt good, to have fresh ideas flooding my head, to get the creative juices flowing. But having the job hanging over my head, the customer's expectations, everything just waiting, got my nerves all amped up.
Maybe part of me had accepted it was time to go home, even if the thought of leaving Joe cut deep. Gah. Too many thoughts were going around and around in my head. Maybe I should just chop it off.
"Hey," said Joe. "Wondered where you were hiding."
I shrugged. "There's a lot of people in there."
"Yeah. Thanks for coming today."
"Of course."
He sat down on the cool old porch swing beside me, making it gently sway. Last night, he'd slept with me in my hotel room again. And again, nothing had happened. Joe's libido had gone on hiatus while he dealt with everything. I didn't really blame it.
"Shit." He winced, feeling out the best position for his cast. "Man, I can't wait to get this thing off."
"When do you go back to the doctor?" I asked.
"Checkup in a couple of days."
I nodded. "How's Eric doing?"
Another wince. "I don't know. Having Star staying with us seems to help distract him a little. They always got on well."
"That's good."
He raised a brow.
"Just because she and I aren't besties doesn't mean I don't think it's great she's here for Nell and Eric."
With his free hand, he gave my knee a squeeze. "Thanks, Little Miss."
"I just don't want her hurting you again."
"I know." He gave me a halfhearted smile. "Don't worry, that's not going to happen. Right now, I'm just taking it one day at a time. Relationships aren't even on the horizon."
Didn't I know it.
"Mom's going to go see Nell's grief counselor," he said. "Have a talk with him."
"That's good." I gave his hand a squeeze. "She seems so lost."
"Mm." He sighed. "Eric's throwing himself into the bar, keeping busy. Wants to help out with the construction as well."
"I guess I'd want to keep busy too."
A nod. Followed by another flash of a not-so-believable smile. "Maybe I'll come visit you in Seattle once the job's finished. We could celebrate, go to a nice restaurant or something."
"That'd be great."
He didn't say anymore and neither did I. There didn't seem to be any need. We sat in silence, enjoying the afternoon light. Brilliant autumn colors were slowly coming in, turning the green trees shades of blazing orange, red, and pink. I bet winter here was beautiful. A pain in the ass sometimes to deal with, but beautiful nonetheless. Maybe Joe could send me some pictures since I wouldn't be here to appreciate the view.
Surely we'd still be friends from afar. I couldn't imagine losing him from my life completely.
*
"Alex, can I have a moment?"
Well fuck. I put a calm smile on my face and turned to face her. "Hi, Star. Sure."
It was my own fault for coming downstairs in search of caffeine. Except Joe and I had gotten desperate and apparently Star's deliveries to upstairs had dried up ever since he'd refused her romantic advances. Fancy that.
I leaned my hip against the service counter, waiting on Lydia to make the two take-away coffees. Over behind the bar, Eric was keeping busy. Seemed like he never stopped moving, finishing one job then rushing on to the next.
"What's up?" I asked.
"I'm worried about Joe." Silver bangles tinkled on her arm as she tightened her regulation ponytail. "I know you're trying to help him. But I don't think you understand him as well as you think you do."
I just blinked.
"Men like him, they need the time and space to sort things out for themselves," she said, her gaze searching me intensely. "You know?"
"All right."
"I don't know if you realize, but, he's taken a lot of blame for the accident on himself."
"Mm."
She wrung her hands, taking a deep breath. "And what with Stan ... that's his father, by the way--"
"Oh, okay."
"Well, Stan is a bit of a moody silent type himself," she said. "So Joe's always used his work time to think things through, you know?"
I said nothing.
"But now, with you being here, and I know you're trying to help and that's so great of you," her smile turned anguished, "it's just, I'm worried you might be hindering more than you're helping."
"I see." I frowned.
"Also, Joe's told me a little about your business and how you're from Seattle and everything. Eventually, sometime soon, you're going to have to go home, right?" A certain light shone in her beady little eyes. The day after a funeral with all of this heartbreak happening around her and she wanted to throw down with me over this flimsy bullshit? What a woman.
"Yes."
More wincing. "Is it really fair to Joe if he gets used to having you around and then you have to leave?"
More nothing from me.
"I'm guessing you and Joe are close?"
"What is it exactly that you want to know, Star?"
Her mouth opened and closed. "Oh. Well. It's not really any of my business."
"No, it's not."
"I just worry about him."
"That
's nice." I wiped my dusty hands off on my equally dusty jeans. "And I can see you've really given this a lot of thought."
"I care about Joe a lot. I love him, I always will." She gave me a pitying look. "We were together a long time, Alex. A bond like that doesn't just disappear."
"No, it wouldn't." I wanted to smack the prying, manipulating cow down so bad. But I didn't. "But I don't think leaving him alone to mess his arm up worse trying to keep up with the project is the answer. Thank you for your concerns, Star. I'll give them some thought."
"You don't know when you might be leaving?" she asked with just a touch too much eagerness. If ever I'd been tempted to scratch someone's eyes out, this boho bitch was pushing me right up to the edge. "The fact is, I'm here now, Alex. He doesn't need you. He has all of his family and friends. You putting your life on hold isn't necessary. Surely you can see that."
Well. "Wow. I'm glad you feel you can be so open and honest with me. But the thing is, Star, having an opinion doesn't automatically make you right."
"Here you go." Lydia slid the two take-aways onto the counter, giving us both wary looks.
"Thanks," I told her with a genuine smile. At least not everyone here would be chasing me out of town with pitchforks. "I better deliver these while they're hot. Star, I'll be sure to give what you said lots and lots of thought."
Her smile was a fleeting thing.
Whatevs.
I stomped back up the stairs, just a wee bit pissed off.
Joe looked up from coating the freshly sanded wooden window frames. "You okay?"
"Living the dream, baby."
"Mmhmm." He cringed ever so slightly at my use of the endearment.
I winked at him, throwing in a slightly tired smile. "Here. Caffeinate."
"Thanks." He took a sip. "I think you're real pretty with all that sawdust in your hair."
"Do you, now."
"Oh yeah. Brings out those cute little freckles on your nose."
I smiled for real this time. "Took me hours to get it looking just right."
Pain filled his eyes and he gritted his teeth, bracing his bad arm. "Damn it."
"I think we need to move up your doctor's appointment."
"It's tomorrow. Why bother?"
From his back pocket he pulled out a strip of painkillers and popped a couple. "Stop frowning, Little Miss. It's first thing tomorrow morning and I'm definitely going."
