I wasn’t stuck, though, not the way I had been before when Ben died. This was normal sadness, but it was still sad because of why I was sad.
I had spent more time out here than I had in the apartment. I had to. What was worse than not knowing whether or not Asher wanted me? Knowing he didn’t and still wanting him despite that. Despite laying on my back with him on top of me and still feeling him pull away. Despite how completely foolish it had been to think I even had a chance.
How much distance do you need from an event to stop feeling embarrassed by it? The weekend hadn’t been long enough. Tomorrow was Monday, and that was an entire day I’d have to find out how to occupy in a way that didn’t involve him.
It wasn’t that there was some sort of lack of things to do in LA; it was that what I wanted to do was hang out in the apartment. I lived a very inside life. Parties, clubs, large social gatherings didn’t really do it for me. They never really had.
Ben and I would hold dinner parties at his place and have themed movie nights. We had been that couple. I guess that was why I had managed to go under the radar so long after he’d died. I guess when I stopped showing up for class had been the real kicker.
The days and weeks I’d lost were all a black blur of misery. I’d hole up and manage not to see anyone for days on end. Callie would call me and congratulate me when I’d be able to get out of bed that day. It’s tragic when getting out of bed is an actual achievement.
Look how well I was doing now, though. I was medicated, had a job and in the face of emotional upheaval, hadn’t retreated back to that dark, scary yet comfortable place.
I didn’t know what to do, but I wasn’t imploding. I was just feeling like shit.
The sex, being with Asher had felt good while it had lasted.
He had had time on his side since I hadn’t slept with anyone since Ben, but what I’d felt moving inside me was more than substantial. No wonder he was such a hit with the ladies. It was that fullness you don’t get using your hands. Then that body, I’d wanted to feel his weight and his desire and passion, but he’d given me nothing. It had been like he was trying his hardest to fuck me without actual contact.
That was what it was. It wasn’t even that I was horny and just wanted to fuck. Him. I wanted him. I wanted to feel him take me, hold me like I’d slip away like he had when he’d kissed me, but nope.
He was willing to give that dick to anyone it appeared, but not me.
I checked my phone for the time—four minutes to nine. I was waiting for a call from Callie. She had to do it when she was away from Vince because he’d ask questions and it was still a secret that I’d ditched my program.
I was just remembering the way the stars looked when I was still at the ranch when my phone buzzed, vibrating on my stomach. I picked up.
“Hello?”
“I have bad news,” she said immediately. I sat up. Fuck. Vince was with her right then, and he knew? My parents had known this entire time and had tracked me to LA? I held my breath waiting for her to tell me what had happened.
“What?” I whispered.
“Vince has a buddy whose thesis supervisor is your dad,” she began. “Vince said he mentioned your dad telling him he’d be unavailable later this week because he was going to visit family in Arizona.”
We didn’t have family in Arizona. If he had put it like that, there was only one thing he could have meant. Me. He wanted to come to the ranch to visit me. Or worse. I’d left about two weeks ago. That meant my program was coming to an end, and he was going there to pick me up to take me home. I felt my heart plummet.
“Is he… is he sure that’s what he heard?”
“He didn’t ask questions because he didn’t know that you’re there, or at least meant to be. Lissa, your dad is going to go to Arizona to see you and find an empty bed.”
“I know.”
“What are you going to do?”
What was I going to do? Honestly? Hope something came up and changed those plans? What was I supposed to do? What could I do? I wasn’t there anymore, and I wasn’t going back. Even if they found out I was no longer there, they still wouldn’t know where I was.
I felt much calmer than I’d expected to feel. This was something I had to let be because I had no power in the situation. Who was I, putting the lessons I’d learned in therapy to good use?
Too bad they hadn’t told me an acceptable course of action to take when the man you wanted was mind-fucking you instead of real-fucking you and all you wanted was to give it up to him. Rejection—that was all this was. There was probably some sort of back issue of Cosmo I could read with an article all about it. In the same issue I’d probably get thirteen mind-blowing oral sex tips to please my man as well, so really, a solution to both my problems.
“Nothing. They don’t know where I am even if they find out I’m not at the ranch anymore.”
“Would you go home if they found you?” she asked. I had to think about that one a little because the immediate response that came to mind was no. If I didn’t consider the tension and embarrassment I’d had because of Asher, and the thing with Ryan, I sort of liked it here.
I wasn’t really living in LA because I wasn’t paying rent on my own place and stuff, but I liked it here, and I liked my job, and I liked the people I worked with. If I did go home, I’d be me again. Felicity. Jenn Davis wasn’t a whole other person, but she wasn’t Felicity, and that meant for as long as I was her, I didn’t have to have Felicity’s baggage.
“I don’t know,” I told her.
“You don’t want to come home?”
I thought about it. I hadn’t felt like I had been home for a long time. I’d felt lost. Here, I felt like I was being allowed to own something. Like I really had left it all behind, and because of that, I was living finally.
“It’s too soon to say.”
“If what Vince said is true, then you have less than a week to make your mind up about that.” I considered that and nodded to myself. I told Callie that I understood and thanked her for telling me. We went into normal, less loaded topics of conversation, like some of the things I’d done and people I’d met in LA. How much more eclectic this place was than Seattle, how gorgeous everybody I passed on the street seemed to be. I even told her about Asher because if not her then who? Mal and I were getting closer, but it felt a little trashy talking about our boss together and the bad sex we had had. By the time we hung up, it was about half-past nine.
I thought about my options. I could stay here for as long as it took for me to feel it was safe to go downstairs again or I could go downstairs and spend an awkward night with Asher. Or… I could do something that had nothing to do with Asher and his house. I had just talked to Callie, telling her essentially that it was great here, and I didn’t want to move back. There was more to this city than just the square footage of Asher’s apartment.
Why was I acting like I was trapped by him? Why did his movements and behavior have such a large impact on what I did? I didn’t like it. He didn’t deserve it, and I didn’t have to live this way. I sat up on the chair and dialed another number, one if I was honest I hadn’t intended on really putting to use. I waited.
“Hello?” a man’s voice said down the line.
“Jasper? Hi. It’s Jenn, from the I-10 West?” I said.
“Jenn?” he said. I waited for him to remember. “Jenn, you’re still in LA?”
“Yup. Ended up staying longer than I expected.”
“That’s great, how are you?”
“I’m okay. I was hoping you could save me again.”
“Did something happen?”
“Well, I’m alone in this city, and I have nothing to do,” I said. I heard him laugh. “You left me here; I think it’s only fair you sell me on this place.” He laughed some more.
“What do you want me to do?”
“What are you doing tomorrow?”
I sat on the couch halfheartedly eating a slice of cold pizza for breakfast. I had tur
ned on the television so that when he came into the room, it wasn’t just me sitting there in silence. The television felt sort of like a line of defense. Like he wouldn’t talk to me when he saw me pretending to watch it. Also, that I was doing something and not just sitting around in his house, paying attention to his moves and activities.
The door to his bedroom opened, and I stiffened. Okay, just act cool, I prompted myself. I heard him say something and was straining to hear him when I heard another voice reply to his—a woman’s voice. I hated myself for the instant surge of jealousy I felt. I shot up off the couch and went to the kitchen. They walked into the living room, saying something to each other I couldn’t hear.
The night before, coming back to the house and finding it quiet, I’d just thought he was asleep. Well, he probably had been. He just hadn’t been alone. Maybe he hadn’t even been home. He was now though, and he had company.
I threw the rest of the pizza away and washed my plate. This was fine. It wasn’t a big deal. He didn’t owe me anything, even after what had happened. I’d basically told him to fuck off anyway, so he could do what he wanted. I could do what I wanted too. The knowledge of that did nothing to make me feel better. I heard him walk into the kitchen.
“Jenny,” he said.
“Hi,” I said shortly, turning to look at him.
“What time did you get in last night?”
“Around ten,” I said. “Why? Were you worried?”
“Not worried,” he said. “I thought you’d gone out or something.”
“That’s your thing, not mine.” He looked up from the cup of coffee he was pouring.
“It could be our thing,” he said.
“Do I have to make an appointment in advance?” I said, a little more angrily than I wanted to.
“What?”
“I mean, after that girl who just left you’re obviously booked at least through the week. How long would I have to wait if nobody has to cancel?”
“What the hell is the matter with you, Jenny?”
“I’m just asking for information,” I tried to say flippantly. I could feel my face heating up. “Which one of your girls is flexible? You said you didn’t mind two at once?” The way he looked at me, I almost regretted what I’d just said. The expression on his face, it might have been offense.
“I didn’t fuck her,” he said.
“I’m sure you didn’t.”
“Jenny, listen to me. I didn’t have sex with her.”
“I don’t care what you did with her, Asher. As long as you are or aren’t having sex with her, you won’t have time to have it with me.” I left the room determined not to start crying. I had no right to bow out like that, I was the one who had picked a fight, but I hated myself for feeling what I felt and hated him for making me feel it.
“She was in trouble last night. She had too much to drink, so I brought her here,” he said, his voice close enough to tell me he’d followed me out.
“Don’t explain yourself to me. I don’t care.”
“Jennifer!” I stopped because even though it wasn’t my real name, he had never referred to me that way and I knew I’d done something wrong. I turned to look at him. “You’re not going to be mad at me for doing nothing.”
“Who said I was mad? Do what you want, Asher, you always have. Don’t let me stop you.”
“Who’s playing games now? You don’t tell me you’re done with me then get upset when I’ve done nothing wrong. Make up your mind, Jenny.”
“You don’t need my permission to fuck anybody. I told you I didn’t care. It’s not my fault you aren’t feeling inspired.”
“No, this is all your fucking fault, Jenny.” He got closer, close enough that I wanted to ask him to move back. “You don’t want to fuck, and I can respect that. What you can’t do is be upset when I do exactly what you asked me to. You could have me in a second. All you have to do is say the word, Jenny if you really want it that much.” Fuck him for being right. I wanted him so much it was making me crazy. I blamed him for what had happened, and I blamed him for what was happening now. He was giving me an invitation, but I didn’t want it. I didn’t want to want him as much as I did. I couldn’t put myself at his mercy when I felt this weak.
“Fuck you, Asher,” I said, barely louder than a whisper.
“Yeah. Fuck me.” He was in his room again before I started crying.
14
Felicity
“So, where are you staying?” Jasper asked. His dog, a monstrously huge pit-bull trotted happily between us while I tried very hard not to start coughing up blood. When we had been together, Ben had made the mistake of taking me out hiking once. I’m sure I was an embarrassment to the entire Pacific Northwest, but I couldn’t do it. Yeah, the air was clean, and the views were spectacular, but I didn’t need to go be in it to appreciate it.
Jasper had asked me to go on a hike with him because that was what he was going to do after work that day and I had been desperate to keep myself out of the apartment by any means necessary, even infliction of bodily harm. We hadn’t been walking long, but we were walking up—that was what was getting me. That and the months of inactivity back home.
“With a friend,” I wheezed.
“Not your sister then?” he said looking over at me. I sighed, remembering what I’d tried to sell him on when we met.
“She says hello. She has a new baby, so she couldn’t join us today.”
“Uh-huh. Does your real family know the rumors you’re spreading about them?” he asked. I kept quiet. He didn’t get it. I wasn’t pretending to be someone else because I was enjoying it. I might have been enjoying it a little—the anonymity and freedom—but really, I didn’t like hiding who I was. I felt sneaky, but as long as I had something to hide, I was going to protect it.
“They know everything,” I said. “They tried to make me go back there for a few months before relocating here, but I have a friend who’s helping me get settled in.”
“I thought I was your only friend in LA,” he accused.
“Not anymore,” I teased. “If it makes you feel better, you were my first.”
“What are you doing, crashing on their couch or something?”
“Mm-hmm.”
“Shit, at least I had a bed for you.” I laughed.
“It’s a good couch,” I said. “He’s really nice. He isn’t even making me pay part of the rent or anything.”
“Oh, it’s a guy, huh?” he said, glancing at me.
“Yes. It’s a guy. You sound a little jealous.”
“Nope. Like you said; I was your first. He can’t beat that.” I blushed, but I was pretty sure he couldn’t see it because I was likely red all over like a lobster. So attractive.
He had said there’d be waterfalls. I could have sworn we weren’t even in LA anymore because of how far removed we suddenly seemed from the traffic and noise of the city. LA was wide and sprawling. It was like a bunch of little cities in one.
We were in Santa Anita Canyon. One of LA’s many canyons. It wasn’t that far from Glendale where he lived so he’d bring his dog on hikes. The entire loop was something crazy like ten miles. We weren’t doing the loop. We were getting to the falls then turning the fuck back. A manageable twoish miles for me but nothing for him.
He was being really nice about it even though I was being completely insufferable. He was pointing things out and pausing at different spots he said the view was especially nice. I had eyes, I could see they were nice, but my capacity to appreciate them had been severely diminished by the exertion.
What was it like to take care of yourself? I’d forgotten, and so had my body. Maybe that was something I’d pretend to want to take up—regular exercise and a gallon of water a day. Jasper’s dog strained at his leash. We were probably going too slow.
“You’re not competing with him,” I said, panting.
“Good. Makes me a little more confident about sending you back to his apartment tonight,” he said.
Well, seemed he hadn’t lost interest during the break. I didn’t know what to think about that. I was kind of flattered but also amused because as hard as I wanted to feel something back, I couldn’t.
Jasper was a very good-looking man. Kind and handsome and athletic. Good in conversation. Thick and healthy hairline. Why did I sound like he was a vacuum cleaner I was trying to sell? Why was I describing him like a dog show judge describes a Pekingese?
I wished I could let him fuck me; it just wasn’t happening. Unless I was reading his signals all wrong, he wanted something I still wasn’t interested enough in him to give. My love life was roadkill—a steaming, mangled, broken corpse that nobody had cared to drag to the side of the road, so the oncoming cars didn’t flatten it anymore.
The time away from the apartment, out in nature had been intended to make me feel better. Was this one of those things that was going to happen in baby steps? I was still upset. It was meant to be an invigorating walk with stimulating company. Instead, it had just made my feet hurt. Now I was just upset and in pain.
Fuck Asher. Fuck him and his stupid beautiful face.
“Are we nearly there?” I whined, hoping the rushing sound I was hearing was water and not my own circulation. We kept passing these little cabins, built to sort of sit in the scenery like they were part of it and not put there by people. They reminded me of his house in Joshua Tree. This was sort of his thing then, wasn’t it? The great outdoors. I had always thought I preferred the great indoors and the longer this hike seemed to take, the more I was assured of that.
“We just have to cross the creek one more time,” he said. One more time? My thighs were burning. The sound of the water was getting louder. The landscape changed, and the trail leveled out, so we weren’t really climbing anymore. There was thick ivy brushing up on the trail on both sides. Jasper warned me about snakes, and I nearly called it a day, right there.
Finally, I heard voices. The sound of the water was clear and loud. Soon I saw it—the waterfall. We were right at the base. The pool it tumbled into was clear and fairly shallow, with a few people wading through it. It fell from… I’d say maybe sixty feet? Large boulders and medium-sized trees hung around it. Everything here was lush and green. It reminded me of back home.
Asher (Heartbreakers & Troublemakers Book 6) Page 11
