I wave at what she’s wearing, unable to resist. “The clothes suit you.”
The look she gives me is all suspicion. “I don’t know who these belong to. I helped myself to stuff I found in the drawer.”
“I don’t mind.”
“Oh shit. Is this your room?” When I nod, she doesn’t seem so confident as she had a moment before, and takes a step back from the door.
I could tell her I’d go away if she wants to be alone, but I don’t, I think being left to dwell on everything by herself is the last thing she needs.
“Er, is there somewhere else that I can go?”
I fix my eyes on hers, wishing like hell I was whole. I rise to my feet, well, one foot, and that awkwardly and with having to hold onto the chair. “This is where you’re meant to be, Cat. Okay, so we pre-empted the move to Utah, but we planned to come together. It might not be the home we intended, but for now, my room is yours.”
“That was before…”
“Before?” I suck at this. Suck at trying to find the words to convey all the meaning I want to. “Cat, I love you. You’re mine, and I’m yours.” I want to touch her, hold her, but it’s far too soon. “Nothing’s changed.”
“Nothing’s changed?” she throws back, with a touch of the flare of her temper. I don’t mind, it’s better to see some animation in her face. “Nothing’s fucking changed?” She turns her back to me and wraps her arms around her. “Three weeks and two days, Finn. And fuck, everything’s different. I’m not the same woman, and you? You’re not the same man.”
“I will be,” I tell her, entering properly and closing the door behind me. “My bones will heal. And nothing’s changed, you’re still my woman.”
“I can’t be.” Pushing the wheelchair for support, I hop close enough to see tears streaming from her eyes. “I’ll never be the same. They stole something from me.”
“Okay, Cat, I get that.” On my part I know how devastating it was to lose her. How driven I was to get her back. “But different doesn’t mean worse.”
“Three weeks and two days,” she repeats. “If you were alive, why didn’t you come for me sooner?” she wails.
“Cat, I was in a coma,” I remind her patiently.
She turns away, well aware of that. I know she’s trying to find somewhere to put the blame. Reminding her she wouldn’t have suffered if it weren’t for me, won’t help right now. I force down my guilt and instead place it on the culprit instead.
“Gun did this to you. And sweetheart, I promise, he’s going to pay.”
“But it won’t make it better.” She shudders and I know it’s in an effort to stop her tears. She straightens her shoulders. “If you’re staying here, is there somewhere else I can go?”
She’ll be going nowhere. She’ll be sleeping in my bed whether I’m there or not.
“Cat—” I open my mouth to tell her.
“I don’t want you here, Finn. I need to get my head straight. I was, I was thinking of going home.”
“Not while Gun’s still in the wind.” I hate having to remind her. “If that’s what you want, just stay until I’m healed and I’ll come with you.”
“I don’t want you!” she cries. “Can’t you see it’s over?”
My gut rolls, and I pray she doesn’t mean it. My voice though, is patient. “No. Nothing’s changed my feelings toward you. Cat, you’ve dealt with things no woman should ever have to, but you survived. I’m fuckin’ sorry I couldn’t get to you sooner…”
“You died, Finn. That’s what Swift said. You fucking died. It was pure luck Gun didn’t actually kill you. As for me, if it hadn’t been you, Gun may not have taken me. I’d have told him about Weston, and he’d have left me to get on with my life.”
I have no defence for that. We’re going around in circles and my leg is aching now. I sit on the bed and rest my chin on my hand. “If you want me to give you some space, I’ll go, Cat. On my part, I’d rather we work this through together.”
She remains standing, her body rigid. “I may have an STD, Finn. I may be pregnant. My treatment, what I do, is up to me to decide.”
“We’re a team, Cat,” I tell her softly. “It’s not just the good we share. It’s also the bad. If you need ongoing treatment, I’ll be there beside you. If you’re pregnant, whatever happens, that’s a decision only you can make.”
“Is it?” she asks, equally quietly, but hers is deceptive. And fuck, her hand starts beating her stomach rhythmically. “If there’s something growing in me, I want it gone. Would you be happy with that? Or what if I decided to keep it?”
“That’s up to you.” I inject strength into my voice. “I’ll be whatever you want me to be. A partner, husband, father, if that’s what you want.”
“How could I have a baby fathered by one of my abusers? How could I look into its face and not see the man who sired it? How, Finn? Tell me how?” She’s screaming now.
I’m fucking this up. I should be calming her down. Struggling upright again, I risk laying my hand on her arm. “You don’t have to decide now. We take one fuckin’ day at a time. If you want me to sleep elsewhere, I will. If you want me to hold you through the night, I’ll do that. When we know what we’re dealing with and you know what you want, I’ll be there, supporting you. With you. Because you’re still my woman, and no one can ever come between us. Not even those abusing fucks.”
33
Cat…
No one can come between us.
Those words from Finn ring in the air. My eyes widen as I realise he just doesn’t get it. Someone already has.
I’d let my mind drift while the doctor was examining me, but it hadn’t gone anywhere good. Though her touch had been gentle and professional, it still made me freeze up. The thought of a man, even Finn, touching me intimately makes me feel physically ill.
After she’d left, I’d tried. Fuck, I’d really tried to summon up how Finn could make me wet simply walking into the room, with a cock of his eyebrow raised in suggestion, or even the sight of his bare skin. The feeling of his dick pressing into me was one that I previously thought I’d never get tired of.
I’ve come to the realisation that I’d never again look at him the same way. It isn’t fair leading him on. He might think he’ll wait for me, but he’ll be waiting forever. My house is still mine, though I’d arranged for it to be sold, I’m not aware I’ve been asked to sign anything. I’ll go back, be comforted by the ghosts and fill my house with pets who I’ll lavish all my affection on.
If I avoid men, maybe I’ll be able to forget this episode. I know I’ll never move past it. Shuddering, I think how much I don’t want to be near a man’s dick again, even Finn’s. However long he thinks he’ll wait for me, it won’t be long enough.
What if I’m pregnant? What if I’m left with an STD that can’t be totally cured?
It wouldn’t be fair to drag Finn down with me.
I want to go home.
According to Finn, I might not be safe there. What if Gun knows I’m free and comes after me again? He’ll be after Finn, the one who got away, and how better to get to him than to use me.
“I don’t want to stay here.” Here being the clubhouse, here, being in his room.
“You can’t leave,” Finn speaks patiently. “You know the risks. Until we catch up with Gun and discover what’s behind this, it would be crazy for you to go. You must know that, Cat. Here, we can protect you.” He glances down, shakes his head, then looks up with new resolve. “Well, the club can. If it’s me upsetting you, I’ll go. The club will look after you, whether I’m here or not.”
The thought horrifies me. “But that would mean you’ll be in danger. Gun will want to finish what he started with you. You’re in no state to take him on.”
A mirthless snort comes from his mouth. “So, you can’t leave, and I can’t go. Seems we’re both stuck.”
My sore muscles make themselves known as I pace the room, trying to make myself think rationally. Being kidnapped and sold
once was bad enough, but I wouldn’t survive a second time. And that’s if Gun wanted to take me alive. While my first impulse is to put as much distance between myself and Finn as I can, how could I survive looking over my shoulder all the time? Even Finn who’s had training was still caught out when his former teammate came knocking at my door.
It’s safer for my body to stay.
But not for my heart. Even now I can’t bear to look at Finn. Deep down I know it’s because I love him so much, but I can’t see how I could lead him on. I’ll never be the same woman again.
“Stay, Cat,” he pleads. “Or, at least, before you make up your mind, give the club a chance.”
“How do you know what your club will do?” My mood swings and I want to hurt him now. “They might kick you out, and what will happen to me?”
“You’re right, they might. But you don’t know the brothers like I do, Cat. Be assured even if they turn me loose, they’ll do everything in their power to keep you safe. They’ll never turn their backs on a woman in trouble.”
I eye his room. It’s bare, no personal effects. But I remember he’d been a long time on the road, nomad he’d called it. I suppose he hasn’t really got a home, though he fitted into mine. I stifle a sob as I remember our dreams, a home, maybe even a family in time. A man to be at my side, when maybe I was born to be alone.
“So what do you propose? I stay here?” I gesture around. “You don’t even have a television, Finn.”
“I can get you anything you need, but first, I asked you to give the club a chance. Get to know them, you might like them if you let them in. You won’t need to stay locked up in this room.”
“You don’t trust your brothers,” I remind him.
Suddenly he wobbles, his need to sit again, makes my heart wrench. “Well, I do now. I was wrong, Cat, I admit that. I was wrong to shut them out.”
“Maybe you’re wrong about us.” I spit at him, “Maybe you always were.”
My words ring as I circle the argument back to where we’d started.
Finn moves his head side to side, and sighs. “Come with me, I’ll show you around. Introduce you, then maybe that will make up your mind.”
“Introduce me as what?” I blurt out. “The woman who was sold, used in every way a man can? They already know that.”
“Introduce you as a woman who’s fuckin’ strong. A woman who can hold up her head when nothing she did was wrong.” He pauses and settles an intense stare on me. “Yes, they know. Yes, they’d cut you slack if you wanted to bury yourself in here and hide. No, they won’t pretend nothing’s happened to you. But fuck, woman, I’m asking you to give them a chance. You can’t hide for the rest of your life.”
“Why not?” I scream at him. “When that’s exactly what I want to do?”
His eyes soften. “Because that’s not the Cat I know. My Cat has an inner strength, and soon that’s going to show.”
“I’m not yours.” And I’m not strong. Not at all. I have to disavow him of that deceit. “After I was punished the first time, I didn’t fight, Finn. I could have bitten off the cock that was shoved into my mouth. I didn’t. I could have tried to kick his balls, I didn’t.”
He gestures toward the stick leaning against the wall. Interpreting his request, I get it for him. He’s going to leave now he knows I just gave up. Finn would never give up, he’d have died fighting. I must disgust him.
When he pulls himself up and gets himself balanced, I step back, biting back tears, waiting for him to go. But when he takes a step, it brings him closer to me, not further away, not touching, but near enough so I feel the warmth emanating from him.
“Is that what’s worrying you?” His nearness is too much, my foot moves back. Undeterred, he continues, “You did what you had to do to survive. Cat, I don’t mind that you didn’t fight. I’m fuckin’ grateful. If you had, I seriously doubt you’d be here now. Your survival instinct kicked in, and it was right.”
“Someone like Swift would have fought.” I’m just me, and I don’t measure up.
“Yeah?” He regains the space he’d lost. “Swift would have analysed the odds. Sure, she’s got a better chance of fighting her way out than you had, but if she was outnumbered, she’d have played the same card. Survival,” he repeats the words, “that’s what’s important. And Cat, you’re hurting right now. You’re trying to make sense of what happened, it will take time, forever perhaps to fully come to terms with what went down. But you’re no helpless victim. You’re a fuckin’ survivor, and I fuckin’ admire you for that.”
I’m grateful when he moves back, but his face is still fixed on mine. “Speak to Swift. She was trapped, as helpless as yourself. I heard her story, Cat, but don’t take it from me, hear it from her. As for me? Gun taunted me with what he was doing to you, and I was unable to do fuck about it.”
“You got away.” My tone is almost accusing. “I needed help to escape.”
He barks a laugh. “Yeah, so did Swift as it happens. And you tell Swift you and she were at a disadvantage because you were women.” His head shakes as if he can imagine the reaction I’d get.
“I was raped,” I shout. “You’ve got a cock, that wouldn’t have happened to you.”
“You think?” His eyes have opened wide. “Babe, sometimes I forget how innocent you are. If that was what it would have taken to break me, Gun would have tried that. But I escaped, yes. And you know why?”
“Because you could,” I reply stubbornly.
“Because of you. I had to get out. I had to save you. Christ, Cat. If I hadn’t had that fuckin’ desire to stop you being harmed, I might have not had tried.”
Afterwards I’ll wonder whether our voices have become raised and our conversation had been overheard, but a knock on the door stops us going around in circles.
Finn awkwardly hops, balancing on his stick as he goes to open it and nods at the man standing there.
“Cowboy’s cooking again. Thought you might want to come down for dinner.”
I’m not hungry, I couldn’t eat a bite. But Finn answers for me anyway. “Yeah, we’ll be right down.”
“Oh, and Road got you these. Thought they might help.” Whoever the stranger is, passes over some crutches.
As Finn takes them, closes the door, and tries his new acquisitions out, I huff. “I’ll stay here.” I fold my arms over my chest to show that I’m serious, giving off the vibes of a confidence I don’t feel. I do notice he uses the crutches competently, as if he’s used them before. As well he might have done, he must be used to a life full of danger and injury. Unlike me, and when I was tested, I’d failed.
“There’s no need to be scared.” Finn shows I’ve not fooled him at all. But if you stay, I’ll stay here too. A prospect can bring us something up.”
He confuses me, overwhelms me. Maybe if I go with him, it will dilute his presence. Again, he shows how he can read me, as he examines my face, then, giving a sharp nod, he goes to the door, opens it, stepping back and waiting for me to precede him out.
I walk alongside him, seeing he’s adept at using the crutches. They give him more stability than the stick, allowing him to keep his cast off the ground, while staying upright.
I haven’t seen anything of the clubhouse outside his room before. Despite the nightmare of the past few weeks replaying on a loop in my head, I look around, the fact this is nothing like I expected catches my attention. I could be walking along a hotel corridor—it’s nothing like any MC clubhouse I’ve read about or seen on television. When we come to an elevator and step inside, I laugh shortly with shock. Now this type of music I’ve heard before, but more often in a shopping mall. And when the very feminine voice announces we’ve arrived on the first floor, I raise my eyebrows.
“Honor and Duty’s little joke,” Finn explains.
The doors open onto another hallway, this one looking like it could be found in a modern office block. I follow Finn as he clomps and swings his way down the corridor which leads into a cafeteria, agai
n, something that seem incongruent against the backdrop of the members of the MC. It’s full, and I immediately halt.
“It’s alright,” Finn whispers into my ear. “Cowboy runs a tight ship. If the brothers aren’t here on time, they don’t get fed.”
I thought I had no appetite at all, but the aromas coming from the kitchen area make my mouth water. Bikers eat like this? It’s not what I expected for sure.
“Cat!” Swift spies me and stands, waving me over. “Come sit with us.” She’s pointing to a single empty chair, making me wonder whether Finn’s invited or not.
Finn looks at me, nods and gives me a rueful smile.
I suppose anyone with a vagina is expected to sit together, and at least it will give me respite from Finn for a short while.
Knowing my hands are shaking, I fix my eyes on Swift, and make my way across the room, praying I won’t be stopped or touched. Unimpeded, I find my way to her.
One man already sitting at the table nudges his companion. “Looks like we’re going to be listening to girl talk.”
Swift makes a V sign with two of her fingers. “Fuck off, Duty. If Cat wants to talk makeup and nails, she’s out of luck. Unless Honor joins in the conversation?”
Presumably it’s Honor who snorts. “What you going to talk about? How fast you can strip down a Glock and put it back together?”
“Glock?” Swift shakes her head and winks at me. “An FN Minimi perhaps.”
“Christ woman, do machine guns get you wet?”
“Probably as much as handcuffs get you hard, Duty.”
As a few more good-natured jokes go around, I find myself relaxing. Enough that eventually I enter the conversation. I hold out my hands. “I’m not much of a nail girl myself.” All mine are bitten down to the quick.
“What do you do, Cat?” a man sitting opposite me asks. “I’m Bolt, by the way.” He holds out his hand to me.
A man’s hand. I stare at it, feeling panic, suddenly realising it’s not so much how they’re going to treat me, it’s how I’m able to treat them. I no longer feel comfortable doing everyday normal things. I can do this, my internal voice lectures me, worried about making an example of myself. I reach out, tentatively take it, but let go almost immediately. My eyes at first widen, then narrow. It felt almost real, but cold.
Stormy's Thunder: Satan's Devils MC Utah Page 32
