by E. M. Foner
Empire Night on Union Station
Book Eighteen of EarthCent Ambassador
Copyright 2020 by E. M. Foner
One
“In conclusion, it is the view of Union Station Embassy that the unexpected royalty stream from the All Species Cookbook should be used to start a rainy day fund, but between the upcoming Conference of Sovereign Human Communities trade show and my less-than-stellar track record dealing with finances, I would like to request the addition of an investment officer to my embassy staff to handle the day-to-day—what’s the word I’m thinking of?”
“Management,” the Stryx station librarian suggested.
“Management,” Kelly concluded. “Could you splice that onto the end so I don’t have to repeat the whole thing, Libby? If I start over I’ll probably just forget something else.”
“Done and sent. If you’re that bothered by these little memory slips you should start writing things down.”
“You mean on paper?” the ambassador asked incredulously.
“EarthCent Intelligence can provide you with pencils, or you could use the pen that M793qK gave you.”
“I’d feel funny pulling out a solid gold pen every time I needed to write something down. What comes next? A jewel-encrusted notebook?”
“A pencil and a small diary to carry in your purse would serve as well.”
“But I’m not forgetting about appointments or things on my mental to-do list, or at least, I don’t think I am. It’s just that sometimes when I’m talking I can’t come up with common words. Do you think I have dysphasia?”
“Anybody who can use dysphasia in a sentence doesn’t have it,” Libby replied.
“Isn’t there a test you can give me? When my father was having problems towards the end and my mother took him to the doctor, she said they showed him a bunch of cards with inkblots and asked him what he saw.”
“You’re confusing the subjective Rorschach test with an objective neuropsychological assessment tool. Problems coming up with words can be quantified with a naming test.”
“All right, then.” The EarthCent ambassador straightened up in her chair and gripped the edge of her display desk as if to brace herself. “Hit me with a naming test.”
“I don’t have to, Ambassador. We speak at length every day and I’d notice if you were experiencing a sudden cognitive decline.”
“Thank goodness,” Kelly said, letting out her breath. “Wait. What if it’s not sudden? What if I’m slowly going downhill?”
“Then you better get started investing the cookbook windfall while you’re still capable of learning something new,” Libby replied. “We’ve been making an exception by allowing you to carry excess funds on the embassy’s programmable cred, but it’s been a full year now.”
“I know. Donna’s husband explained to me a long time ago that programmable creds can’t be used to hoard money because they have something like a half-life or a built-in tax.”
“Above one million creds of old money, the balance begins to decay at an accelerating rate. We created our currency to encourage trade, not to serve as a galactic safe deposit box.”
“Isn’t our cookbook income new money?” Kelly asked.
“The amounts received over five cycles ago are now old. We base the accounting on a first-in, first-out basis, so as long as you keep the creds moving, you won’t run into a problem even if the balance goes much higher. Why don’t you keep track of the flows in your new diary?”
“What’s the sudden enthusiasm for me writing things down? Did you invest in a paper factory?”
“Taking notes will help you form stronger memories,” the Stryx station librarian explained. “In addition to the extra effort that goes into editing your thoughts, the time available to impress new information on your brain is stretched out by the writing process.”
“Where am I going to find a paper diary on Union Station?” Kelly asked. “And it sounds like you’re suggesting I should start looking into investing opportunities by myself. Maybe I’ll just ask Blythe.”
“That’s a good idea. She could print one of her translated alien romances for you and substitute a file of blank pages, though perhaps you should ask for lines.”
“I meant I could ask her help with investing, though then she might wonder why she’s continuing to subsidize EarthCent Intelligence and Eccentric Enterprises if we’re rolling in money here.”
“Blythe and Chastity are entrepreneurs, not investors.”
“Is there a difference?”
“Entrepreneurs create new businesses,” Libby explained. “Investors seek returns on existing wealth.”
“We have an unexpected guest from Flower and it sounds like there’s a potential problem with CoSHC,” Donna’s voice announced from Kelly’s display desk. “Daniel just got off a conference call and he wants to meet Flower’s emissary in the conference room if you’re not running home to cook.”
“The timing works out perfectly because Samuel said he could join us for supper this evening if we pushed it back,” the EarthCent ambassador told the embassy manager, her best friend of over thirty years. “Joe is going to handle the cooking on the grill so I’m free for another hour. I’ll be out in a sec.”
Kelly grabbed her purse from the deep file drawer before going over to her office door and waving open the security lock that she always engaged while making her weekly report to EarthCent. Donna was just disappearing into the conference room with a tall stranger, and the door to her associate ambassador’s office was open, but the room was empty, so Daniel must have gone ahead.
“Do you know what this is all about, Libby?” Kelly subvoced as she followed the others.
“You’re going to find out in less than a minute,” the Stryx librarian responded. “Patience is a virtue.”
“So it’s bad news,” Kelly said, fishing for a reaction, but none was forthcoming. She entered the conference room and was immediately struck by the rugged immersive-star looks of their unexpected guest. Nobody had taken a seat yet, and Donna made the formal introductions.
“Dewey, this is Ambassador McAllister,” the embassy manager said, and then gestured to Daniel, who was coming out of the kitchenette with a fresh mug of coffee, “and the caffeine addict is Associate Ambassador Cohan. Dewey is a special emissary from Flower,” she concluded.
“Pleased to meet you,” the handsome man said, shaking hands with Kelly and Daniel in turn. “I’m sorry for showing up without any notice, but it’s all very hush-hush and Flower doesn’t trust your communications security.”
“Can I get you something to drink?” Daniel offered.
“If you have high-proof alcohol, I can always store it in a holding tank for my backup micro-turbine, but as an artificial person, I require neither food nor drink.”
“Oh, I thought you looked a little too good to be human,” Kelly said. “I was thinking Vergallian, though.”
Dewey smiled, and then removed a device from his shoulder bag that looked remarkably like the Farling version of an external translator. He held a finger up to his lips for a moment, then flipped the device over and slid open a panel on the back before pressing a button. The air in the conference room began to shimmer, and the little background noises that were always present in the embassy suddenly sounded muffled or flat.
“Please forgive my caution, but Flower insisted I borrow a jammer from M793qK,” the artificial person said. “The Farling random molecular vibration shell is proof against the eavesdropping technology of any tunnel network species, though I’m told the Stryx could reconstruct what we say without any difficulty.”
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“Not to mention that the station librarian is always listening through my implant,” Kelly added.
“Flower knows better than to try keeping secrets from the Stryx,” Dewey said, and then returned to the matter at hand. “As you know, our ship hosts intelligence agents from several of the tunnel network species in cooperation with EarthCent Intelligence. While these agents are officially in competition with one another, Flower has fostered a collegial approach to the whole business. Putting together tidbits from various sources, she’s concluded that the Stryx are about to offer empire status to the Conference of Sovereign Human Communities.”
“Empire status?” Kelly repeated.
“The Human Empire,” Dewey confirmed. “EarthCent Intelligence recently completed their first census of humans living on CoSHC worlds and the number has passed one billion.”
“But I thought that empire status required at least twenty sovereign worlds or colonies,” Daniel protested. “Not to mention a fleet.”
“The recent addition of the Traders Guild to CoSHC has given you a fleet of over a million small ships, even if none of them are jump-capable, and you’re way past the bar with sovereign human communities.”
“The requirement was for communities, not worlds?”
“A sovereign presence on at least twenty different worlds,” Dewey said. “The latest version of the tunnel network treaty doesn’t stipulate that you must own the world or be the only sovereign entity in residence.”
“How come we haven’t heard the results of the census yet?” Donna asked. “EarthCent Intelligence would have informed us immediately.”
“I believe Flower’s information in this case comes from the intelligence services of some of the other species tapping into your secure communications for the raw data. Your intelligence analysts are no doubt busy writing up a report that you’ll receive in the near future.”
“Doesn’t Flower work for EarthCent Intelligence?” Kelly asked pointedly.
“Yes and no,” Daniel replied before Dewey could speak. “I’m in regular contact with Captain Pyun and Lynx, and they’ve been reporting for some time that their relationship with Flower has grown fluid. They believe that she’s acting in our best interests,” he added hastily, with a glance at the artificial person, “but she has her own ideas as to where those interests lay. And she recently applied to register as a sovereign human community herself.”
“But she’s a twenty-thousand-year-old sentient Dollnick colony ship,” Kelly protested. “How can she become a member of CoSHC?”
“Kute’s Rule,” Dewey supplied the answer. “Flower claims that her presence has been sufficiently diluted by the nearly three-quarters of a million humans living on board to meet the legal requirements.”
“But surely the Stryx will notify us as soon as all of the qualifications for empire are met,” Daniel said. “Why did Flower think it necessary for you to rush here and warn us?”
“Speaking on my own account, I’m sure the idea of impressing you with her utility as a potential member of CoSHC, and by extension, the future Human Empire, crossed her mind,” the artificial person said. “But the official reason is to make sure that the other species don’t catch you off guard with their reactions.”
“She thinks they’ll feel threatened by a Human Empire?” Kelly asked. “As long as Earth remains a Stryx protectorate, I don’t see how that changes anything.”
“Flower isn’t worried that the other species will suddenly find you threatening,” Dewey said with a smile. “How do you think the Grenouthians will react to CoSHC becoming an empire?”
“I better ping Walter,” Daniel said, referring to his brother-in-law, who was the managing editor of the Galactic Free Press. “Donna, can you get your daughter up to speed at the same time?”
“Which one?” the embassy manager asked.
After a moment’s thought, the associate ambassador said, “Chastity first, then Blythe. This is more about spin control than an intelligence emergency. Chastity knows all of the top Grenouthians at the network, and maybe she can persuade them that it’s not that funny.”
“What isn’t that fun—oh,” Kelly said, as Daniel and Donna both pointed at their ears and began carrying on subvoced conversations over their implants. “So Flower thinks that the Grenouthians are going to treat this whole thing like a joke,” she said to the artificial person.
“It’s pretty low hanging fruit, making fun of a Human Empire,” Dewey said. “A fleet that consists of pre-owned trade ships, most of them obsolete Sharf models, and all of the qualifying sovereign communities being located on worlds or space structures that belong to other species.”
“I wonder if that’s a first. Libby?”
“It seems congratulations are in order,” Libby replied dryly. If Dewey was surprised by the Stryx librarian’s ability to project coherent sound waves through the Farling isolation technology, he didn’t show it.
“And you couldn’t have warned me earlier?” Kelly followed up.
“Declaring a Human Empire will have wide-reaching effects on your business relations with the tunnel network species,” Libby explained. “Alerting you to the possibility would have created an unfair competitive advantage. Everything you need to know is in the tunnel network treaty if you read the fine print.”
“The tunnel network treaty is even longer than the end user license agreements for our implants,” the EarthCent ambassador protested. “Nobody could possibly read the whole thing.”
“Flower did,” Dewey said. “She also thought that the Grenouthians would be amused by CoSHC’s lack of a formal governing structure. Daniel is the closest thing the sovereign human communities have to an emperor, and the annual tradeshow is run by an ad hoc council. They aren’t even bothering with a full conference this year.”
“The membership just isn’t that interested in building governmental institutions,” Kelly told Flower’s special emissary. “They’re all happy concentrating on business and buying whatever services they need from their host species.”
“Chastity is on her way to gather Walter and then they’re both going to the Grenouthian studios,” Donna said, dropping her hand.
“I’m surprised Chastity is taking it so seriously,” Kelly said. “The Grenouthians have made fun of us before and they’ll make fun of us again. I doubt they’ll even give the story much play because the visuals will be so boring. Are they going to show a bunch of sales reps making deals at the last tradeshow? Their viewers would fall asleep.”
“Chastity was planning to surprise everybody with this but she decided to just tell us now,” Donna said. “The Galactic Free Press has been fighting a losing battle against demands to increase their video content, and the result has been that their subscribers just go elsewhere for it. So they’re doing a trial hookup with the Grenouthian Network to cover the tradeshow jointly. The paper will provide in-depth analysis and the bunnies will do the holographic recordings.”
“Based on my experience with network coverage at Flower’s first con, I could see that going wrong in spectacular ways,” Dewey said. “Sales reps aren’t professional politicians. If they have any experience speaking on camera, it would be through their local Children’s News Network affiliate.”
“Chastity said the tradeshow was supposed to be a beta test,” Donna told them. “The Grenouthians actually do some decent journalism if you ignore all of the snark about primitive species and video of things blowing up. I’m going to ping Blythe now,” she added, and pointed at her ear again.
“So we’ll try not to blow anything up at the tradeshow and the Grenouthians won’t have a reason to run the video on their network,” Kelly said. “Was Flower aware of any immediate obligations that CoSHC will have to deal with when the official census numbers are released, Dewey?”
“There are a number of things, mainly procedural in nature, but the one that you’ll want to get a jump on is preparing for alien observers. According to the tunnel network treaty, CoSHC’s
decision on whether to accept or reject empire status must be made in a transparent nature, and that includes hosting official observers from any alien species that cares to send them.”
“Walter just told me he heard the same from one of his sources,” Daniel said, lowering his hand. “Apparently he’s been hearing rumblings about the empire thing for some time, but everybody thought we were still years away. I’m not sure how CoSHC can be expected to host alien observers, but I guess it will fall to me to make the effort.”
“As long as our embassy is cosponsoring the tradeshow, I suppose that we can be front-and-center on dealing with any alien observers,” Kelly said. “Aabina’s royal training has made her a walking encyclopedia of alien protocol, so I’ll ask her if she’s willing to take the lead.”
“Blythe tells me they’ll be burning the midnight oil at EarthCent Intelligence all weekend and should have a briefing ready for us on Monday morning,” Donna reported. “She and Clive are in a meeting with their senior analysts as we speak, and they’re all mortified that they missed this. Since the cat’s already out of the bag, Clive wants to take the time to put together an accurate assessment of our options rather than just adding to the confusion.”
“According to Flower, the first thing we have to do is to issue an open invitation for alien governments to send observers as CoSHC decides whether or not to begin the empire process,” Daniel recapped what Donna had missed. “The process needs to be transparent, and our embassy is going to take responsibility for the observers who will probably expect diplomatic attention.”
“So at this point, we’re basically waiting to hear how Chastity and Walter do with the Grenouthians,” Kelly said. “I have a question for the three of you while we’re waiting. I underestimated the cash-flow from the All Species Cookbook royalties and subsidiary rights, and the president agrees that we should save a substantial portion of the money rather than rushing to spend every last cred. Do any of you have any investing experience?”
“Does casino gambling count?” Daniel asked.
