by Erin Trejo
I drive us down the highway, letting the cool night air rush around me. I decided to take the long way back to the clubhouse tonight. I just wanted to feel that freedom a little while longer. It’s comforting to ride. It’s even better with Tay’s hands wrapped around my waist. She feels like she’s supposed to be there. It’s wrong, I know it is, but I can’t help what I feel. I’m so lost in my own thoughts that the sound of a gunshot goes unnoticed until my mirror explodes into a little glass rain.
“Fuck!” I roar checking my other mirror. Two bikes are following us. I can’t see who they are. Tay has her hands gripping my shirt. Her heart is slamming in her chest, I can feel it. I release the handlebar and grip her thigh. Turning my head slightly, I tell her, “Grab my phone. Dial whoever you click first. Hold it to my ear.” I watch the road ahead as I increase our speed. I feel the phone next to my ear.
“Yo, Mayhem!” Tic hollers into the phone.
“Shots fired Tic. Two bikes on the forty-three. I’m headin’ your way. Lock it the fuck down.” I roar into the phone. I hear him mumble the word shit before the line goes dead. I nod my head for Tay to move the phone.
“Hold on tight. Shit’s about to get fast,” I tell her. Her hands tighten around my waist. Her nails nearly dig into my skin. I hate that she’s in the middle of this. This is my fucking fault. I should have stayed at her place and never have brought her out! I weave through traffic, but I still hear the bullets whipping past us. This is pissing me off. A growl vibrates deep in my chest. I will rip their fucking heads off as soon as I know who they are. I spot our exit and speed us toward it. I pay careful attention to the bastards behind us. They follow closely, but as soon as I get off the exit, I’m gone. I fly down the backroads until the clubhouse is in view.
I see a few of the guys standing guard with guns. At least Tic took this shit seriously. The gates open when they see me. I pull in and park, watching as my dad, Declan, and Tic all storm toward me.
“You ok?” my dad asks first. I nod and climb off, reaching for Tay. Her body shakes with fear.
“Two bikes. Didn’t see cuts.” I’m pissed. I almost want to head back out there and find the motherfuckers.
“Hit your bike?” Tic says looking around me.
“Yeah. Get one of the prospects to fix that shit.” I grab Tay’s hand and lead her toward the door.
“Thank fuck you weren’t hit. We got Dip in there pullin’ footage.” Declan’s hand lands on my shoulder.
I sigh and say, “Good. As soon as you find them motherfuckers, I want them.”
I lead Tay over to the bar and sit her trembling body on a stool. My dad watches me for a second before sliding his gaze to Tay. I don’t know what the hell he’s looking at. He pulls his gaze back to mine, his head cocking to the side.
“You brought her here.”
It wasn’t a question. I know what he’s thinking. I’ve never really brought a girl around here aside from Becca. I mean, Tay was here that one night of the party but that was different.
“So?” I ask, grabbing a beer. I pop the top off and take a long pull while he studies me.
“So? So, you never brought anyone here since-”
I raise my hand to stop him. I don’t need the fucking replay of my life. I know it already. I live it every fucking day.
I reach behind the bar and grab another beer and the vodka before walking off. I know she’s ok here with the guys. No one will mess with her. I head out the back door ignoring all the people trying to talk to me. I climb the ladder to the roof. This is my solace. This is the one place I can hide and avoid everyone.
I unscrew the lid and swallow big long gulps of vodka letting the burn take away all the anger I feel. I lie back and look up at the stars in the sky. I wonder if she’s ok where she is? I never really mourned her death. I just made my way, day by day. I had to do what I had to do to stay alive even on those days I wanted to die. And trust me when I say, there were a lot of days that I wanted to end it all. Nothing was ever easy for me. My dad did the best he could, but I pushed everyone away. I still do. It was four fucking years ago, but I still can’t shake the feelings I have rolling around inside of me.
The hurt.
The pain.
It’s all still so real.
Chapter 18
Taylor
I sit uncomfortably on the stool where Mayhem left me. I don’t know what to do. Should I go look for him? Wait here? I look around but everyone seems to be busy. I heard the word lockdown, and then people started filtering in. The place is packed. There are huge men, huffing and checking their waistbands for guns. I don’t know what’s happening. My nerves are making my stomach tremble.
“Taylor!” I turn my head to the side to see Brooke. I sigh in relief. She walks toward me, glancing around.
“Where’s Mayhem?” she asks. I just shrug.
“He grabbed some drinks and took off.” She gives me a soft smile before reaching for me.
“Come on. I’ll get Cherry to take you to him.” Brooke pulls me along behind her until I see Cherry in the corner. I met her at the party last time I was here.
“Cherry. Can you take her up to Mayhem?” Brooke’s eyes move to the ceiling when Cherry nods. I’m not sure where the hell he is, but there isn’t an upstairs that I know of.
I follow her out the back door when I ask, “Are we supposed to be outside?”
Cherry smiles over her shoulder at me, “Not really, but the risk of an aerial attack here is small.” An aerial attack? She can’t be serious! They wouldn’t do that, would they?
Cherry climbs up a ladder and motions for me to follow. I don’t know if this is such a good idea or not, but I find myself wanting to be near Mayhem. We climb onto the roof and smile when I see him laid back, his eyes closed.
“Get the fuck outta here.” He grumbles without looking up.
“Can’t do that,” Cherry says, never moving.
Mayhem groans again but still doesn’t open his eyes. Instead, his hand moves to the front of his jeans, pulling the zipper down. I lick my lips and watch as he pulls his dick free.
“Then come ride me,” he says as he strokes himself. My eyes widen before Cherry looks over at me. I feel sick. I want to get off this rooftop. I turn on my heel and slip. I fall to my hands and knees causing them to scream in pain.
“Shit,” Cherry mutters, pulling me up. “You ok?”
He must have heard that. I catch a glimpse of him over my shoulder as I wipe at my jeans.
“I’m fine. I need to get out of here.” I whimper softly.
“You hurt?”
Mayhem’s voice is close. Too close. I ignore his words. He was going to fuck her on the roof. What was I thinking messing with him? What the hell was I thinking trying to go back for more?
Grabbing the ledge, I start to lift my foot to climb off when he grabs me. He yanks me toward him, causing me to stumble again. His hands wrap around my waist, holding me steady.
“I asked you a question.” His voice is rough, and I can smell the alcohol on his breath.
“I’m fine.” I grit my teeth as embarrassment and shame work their way through me. His hands slowly move up my back, my body vibrating with need. I hate that I respond to him like this.
“I want to go home,” I say sharply. Mayhem doesn’t move though. His fingers slowly travel under the hem of my shirt. My skin’s on fire. It blazes like an inferno.
“No, you don’t,” he whispers softly, nipping at my ear.
“Yes, I do,” I snap a little louder. His hands don’t stop moving. I don’t want him like this. I want the man that I met. The one that was rough but composed. I don’t want the drunken version. I pull out of his grasp and listen as he moans. When I look up, his eyes are smoldering. He’s watching me. Never once did he glance at Cherry.
“I’m outta here,” Cherry says before climbing over the edge.
“Take your clothes off, Tay,” he tells me huskily.
“No.”
“I to
ld you to do somethin’.” He snarls. I take another step back, the backs of my boots hitting the ledge of the roof. My heart stutters in my chest. I need to get out of here and away from him.
“You don’t listen!” He roars, taking a step toward me. His hands grip the hem of my shirt, yanking roughly. I pull back grabbing the ledge to hold myself stable. I hear the sound of fabric ripping right before I catch the breeze of the night on my exposed skin.
“You stay away from me!” I scream. Mayhem takes a step back looking at the torn fabric in his hands. His eyes are wild and the look of regret dances over his beautiful face.
“Shit, Tay,” he says sounding a little upset before stumbling toward me.
I shake my head. Climbing over the edge, I hurry down the ladder. As soon as my feet hit the ground, I run toward the exit.
A lot of good that does me.
“Can’t let you out. You need to be inside.” The guy standing at the gate puffs his cigarette.
“Let me out!” I yell full of panic.
He turns his head to face me, and his eyes widen.
“What the fuck happened to you?” he says looking me over for any other marks.
“Just let me out!” I scream louder. I just want to get out of here. I don’t want to be here anymore.
Tears prick at my eyes, and I know I’m not going to be able to hold them back much longer.
“I happened,” Mayhem says behind me.
“Dec!” He roars, looking over his shoulder.
Chapter 19
Mayhem
Regret. That’s something I feel a lot of. Today more than any other. I look at her standing there watching me. Her torn shirt hanging from her perfect frame. What the hell was my drunk ass thinking?
“What’s goin’ on?” Declan asks when he steps up next to us.
His eyes move past me to Taylor. “What the fuck is this, Mayhem?”
“I want to go home, Declan. Can you take me home?” she cries. It hurts. It rips my chest apart hearing her like this.
“You can’t fuckin’ leave! Don’t you get it? You fuckin’ asked for this shit! You wanted me, this is what you fuckin’ get.” I stand with my hands out to my sides to make my point.
“You ok?” Declan steps past me, ignoring what I’ve just said, and going straight to Tay. I drop my hands and huff.
“Come on, let’s get you inside.” Declan puts his arms around a crying Taylor and leads her away from me.
My nerves fire off. That blackening fog encompassing my brain. My chest tightens. Spots fill my eyes. I stagger slightly when Nuts grabs my arm.
“You ok?” he asks. I nod before grabbing my chest. It hurts like hell. I feel like all the air is being sucked from my lungs.
“Mayhem?” I can hear him calling to me, but I can’t see shit. It’s like all the internal fight I had is slowly slipping away. My world is slipping away. I close my eyes and let it suck me under.
“Mayhem! Wake up, Son!” I can hear my dad calling me now. I can’t wake up, though. I can’t pull myself out of this shit. I feel like I’m slowly losing all my sanity, and Tay is taking what’s left.
“Tay.” Her name falls from my lips faintly.
“She’s ok, brother. Let’s get you inside. Doc’s on his way.” Tic’s voice pulls at me. I can feel myself being lifted from the ground.
Time seems to stand still here in the darkness. Nothing hurts anymore. Nothing bothers me. I don’t see anything. I don’t see her. Becca. She isn’t here in the darkness because she was better than that. She was better than this, and so is Taylor. I can’t let her get sucked into this life.
She could have been shot. She could have been killed on the back of my bike tonight. Then I would have had two women’s deaths on my hands. Their blood coating my soul. The pain begins to come back. My chest constricts. I’ve never felt my heart beat the way that it is now. It slams roughly inside of me.
“What the hell?” I hear Brooke yell. My head feels like it’s about to explode. My body’s on fire. Heat explodes inside of me.
“Doc’s on his way!” Monster calls out from somewhere.
“This is my fault!” I hear Tay yell.
No, it’s mine. It’s all my fault, Tay. I try to open my mouth but all that comes out are grunts and groans.
“Don’t try to talk, Son. Wait till Doc gets here,” my dad says softly. I’m lowered onto what I assume is my bed. The bed shifts next to me. Heat scorches my arm. She’s here. Even after what I did to her. She’s here with me.
“It’s ok, Mayhem. I’m so sorry,” she whispers. Her voice is close to me. I want to reach for her. I want to grab her and tell her that it was my fault. But I can’t. I’m lost in the fog swarming me. The darkness that wants to pull me further into its depths. And I want it.
I want it to swallow me whole. I want it to take me away from all the guilt and pain that I’ve felt for years.
I want to let go and let it pull me wherever it wants, but it’s her that’s holding me.
It’s Tay.
Chapter 20
Taylor
My heart’s heavy as I sit next to him, holding his hand and running my fingers through his long blond hair. He’s handsome up close like this. The chiseled line of his jaw. The stubble that decorates it. He’s the picture of perfection if you ask me.
The doctor came and checked him out. He wanted him to go to the hospital, but the guys said hell no. I don’t know why. I think he needed to go too, but I guess that’s just one of the things I can’t question here. Brooke has told me a few things, but for the most part, she said not to ask questions. If there’s something I need to know, someone will tell me.
I sigh before I lie down on the bed, careful not to hit any of the wires coming from his chest. The doctor left a heart monitor on him and blood pressure cuff. He said we needed to watch him until he woke back up. He also gave him something to calm him, which is why he needs all the other stuff. I can’t help but feel like it was my fault.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come here with you. It’s just when I’m with you, I feel safe. I feel wanted. No one has ever wanted me. It was nice while it lasted. You have a good heart, although I don’t know who broke it. I’m sorry, Mayhem. I let my personal life affect yours when I shouldn’t have. I shouldn’t have pushed you. You didn’t deserve this,” I tell him softly as I run my finger through his hair once more.
“He has his own story.”
I snap my head up and see Blu. He looks so worried. I start to sit up when he shakes his head.
“Stay. He’d want you close.”
I don’t know about all that. Not after how I acted toward him.
“Has he ever had panic attacks like that before?” I ask. That’s what the doctor called them. He said it was a severe panic attack.
“Not that I know of. He was always a healthy boy.” Blu moves closer, sitting in the chair next to the bed.
“I’m sorry. I feel like I caused it.”
Blu shakes his head before he says, “No. It wasn’t you. He’s been off for years. It was her.” Looking at his son, I can see the past flicker before his eyes.
“Who?”
“He had a girl once. She was a good girl. Reminds me of you. She was smart, sweet. Everything you could ask for. She had a drug problem, though. No one saw it, not even her family. Mayhem blamed himself for a long time. Still does. I think that’s why he fights what he feels for you so hard. You remind him of her in ways.”
My heart falls in my chest. That’s why he pushes me away? He didn’t tell me about her, but I guess he wouldn’t. We only fucked a few times. He doesn’t want me, not really. I’m just a reminder of the good he had that he lost.
“You let me know if you need anything,” Blu says.
I nod my head as I watch him leave the room. I lay with Mayhem for a while longer when he groans. I sit up a little and watch his eyes flutter.
“Becca?” He says weakly. My chest tightens.
“It’s Taylor. I’ll get
someone for you.” Tears fill my eyes when he grabs my wrist.
“Tay?” He questions as though he doesn’t know it’s me.
“Yeah, it’s Taylor.”
His eyes slowly open, coming to rest on me. He looks so lost. “You’re here?” he asks.
I giggle a little as I wipe the tears from my cheeks. “I’m here. You’re ok.” His fingers hold tightly to me. I don’t want to let him go, but I know I need to. I can’t be her. I don’t want to be. Knowing what I know, knowing about her, I have to.
“What the hell happened?” he asks, looking at the monitors. He shifts slightly, pushing himself up the bed.
“The doctor said you had a severe panic attack. Have you had them before? Is that what you had at my house?” I ask. He swallows hard, looking away from me. I guess that’s my answer.
“I’m going to go and let you rest.” I shift and climb off the bed. I can tell that he doesn’t want me in here. I can’t say that I blame him. Walking toward the door, I hear him sniffle, and it breaks me.
“I’m sorry, Mayhem. For looking like her. For reminding you of her.” I know he heard me. I walk out of the room right before I hear him roar. Things crash inside the room behind the closed door. I slide to the floor in a heap of tears. Guilt wracks me. I know it isn’t my fault that we look similar.
“I’m guessin’ he’s awake?” the man standing over me asks. I look up and nod my head.
“Yeah. He is.” He extends his hand which I accept. He pulls me up but doesn’t release me.
“He’ll come around, darlin’. He always does.” I nod again before walking away from him.
I don’t need him to come around. I don’t need him to do anything for me.
Chapter 21
Mayhem
It’s been a week since I’ve had that shitty ass panic attack. Doc said I was fine. But I don’t feel fine. I feel like a complete piece of shit. I don’t know what to think. He kept telling me that I needed to talk to someone. Fuck that. I don’t need that shit. I’m not some kind of nutcase.
