Love and Decay, Episode Twelve

by Rachel Higginson

  While Matthias kept his gun trained on Gage’s head, Gage had his own weapon- drawn and ready- held steady at Matthias’s chest. My own gun moved back and forth between the line of men with pulled weapons and fixed, deadly stances, and Kane, whose gun stayed immovably on Hendrix.

  Shocker.

  I met Kane’s gaze for the first time and lifted a brow- although I wasn’t sure he could see me in the dark. “Fix this, Kane.” I hadn’t spoken in a while and my throat felt raw and scratchy as I forced the words from my mouth. My chest pressed in with the significance of this conflict, suffocated with the looming outcome and unavoidable cataclysmic path we’d been thrust on.

  “It’s out of my control, Reagan,” he replied evenly.

  There had been warmth in him in the bunker. He’d let his personality show, his better feelings surface and his soul come out of hiding. But that was all gone now. He was detached again, distant and cold. This was the guy that terrified me back at The Colony. This was the man that would turn into his father and do unspeakable deeds in the name of a greater good that was, in fact, not good at all.

  “It’s not,” I argued.

  “Reagan,” he started in a low, intimate voice. His words washed over me with intent and a drive so fierce it seemed to vibrate off him. “Back down.”

  “I won’t,” I insisted. “You started this. You need to finish this- peacefully. Or people will die. Probably, you will die. This will not end how you want it to, Kane. Accept that now and salvage whatever tiny bit of respect I had for you.”

  “Not your place to butt in,” Matthias chastised me. “Quiet, little girl. Let the grown-ups talk.”

  I resented that insult more than anything else. Because, Ok, maybe I had started this horrifying journey as a little girl, maybe I’d still been drowning in adolescence and immaturity; but in the two years since Zombies invaded my happiness and peace, I’d grown up. And not just physically. Yes, sometime this year I had moved into a new decade of life and given up the last of the teen years. But also in every other sense of the word, I was an adult. I took care of myself. I made life and death decisions on a daily basis. And while I still made mistakes, I could accept that I wasn’t perfect- far from it- and I could learn from my actions. But most of all, I’d fallen in love.

  Maybe that wasn’t the strongest argument to make when discussing my questionable maturity but it meant something to me. I’d let a strong, consuming, controlling emotion back into my life after years of believing it was dead and buried thousands of miles beneath my feet. I’d accepted another person into the sanctuary of my heart, allowed him to walk into me and see me in every possible light- good or bad. I’d opened myself up and given into trusting him, hoping for a future with him… believing in him.

  And that had aged me. Not in the wrinkly, gray-haired, droopy boobs sense of the word, but in the old-soul, not-so-cynical-version and world-wise sense of the word.

  That made me mature; that made me a grown-up capable of having adult discussions.

  I could sit at the grown-ups table now. I could have deep, meaningful conversations about politics and religion. I could decide for myself whether to call bullshit or perpetuate the manipulation for the good of the whole.

  And damn it, this was bullshit.

  And I was going to call it.

  “You’re wrong,” I snarled. “You’re about to set into motion events that cannot be undone. What you’re doing is a mistake. You can’t rule with an iron fist, Matthias- not your family and not your Colony. As a whole, we’re not ready for overpowering authority period, let alone evil dictators. This humanity isn’t like the last. We have enough strength and fight left in us to deal with one enemy and only one enemy. It cannot be each other. We’re fragile, lost in the pain of losing loved ones and every belief system we once shared. Civilization has fallen to ruins and you cannot just sweep in here and demand people replace the wreckage of their convictions with you. First, you’re evil. Second, you obviously don’t have their best interest in mind! Humanity has never been more delicate or vulnerable. How dare you manipulate our free will with your overbearing tyranny.”

  That patriotic speech was met with silence. I felt the boys surrounding me unite in unflinching solidarity. They stood up straighter, they held their guns with tighter focus, they felt the call to protect this brittle, elusive part of humanity- same as me.

  Matthias’s men remained silent but not because they were feeling some great instinct rising up inside them. No, they shifted uncomfortably and fortified their weapons because they weren’t capable of thinking for themselves or finding the truth in my words. They bought into the lie and propaganda their fearless leader spewed like the verbal Black Plague.

  Matthias’s gaze reluctantly flickered from Gage to me rapidly for a few moments before settling on me with frustrated resolve. “While we can agree on the pathetic state of mankind, where you see the state of the world as fragile, in need of healing or saving, I see the opposite. We’ve started over. We were sent back to the birth of creation, into the very elemental, primal beginnings of humanity. We’re not suffering through refuse trying to find ourselves. This isn’t college; this isn’t a mid-life crisis. The infection was a reset button. And now humanity lays before us as a blank canvas, waiting for a painter, an architect, a divine engineer to create something more substantial, more…. resilient than the last round of failures. I’m not manipulating anyone, Reagan. I’m designing a more capable planet that doesn’t just survive this new age, but thrives in it. What you see as evil, I see as united harmony. I see our only hope.”

  “You see you. You’re our only hope.” I tried to suppress it. I truly did…. “Obi Wan Kenobi.”

  Ok, maybe I hadn’t seen The Terminator, but Quarterback Chris had been obsessed with Star Wars. Looking back now, I kind of feel like he had a phallic fixation with the light sabers, but maybe that was just me being bitter.

  My pop culture reference went unnoticed and ignored.

  Even by the Parkers.

  What a wasted opportunity.

  “I’m the only one with enough mental fortitude to do what’s necessary.” He was preaching now. He actually believed this crap. “While the rest of you sniffle in tears of regret and bemoan the past, while you die at the hand of an enemy you refuse to even try to understand, while you whimper into your poverty and starve to death, I am building civilization into a greater version of itself, a bigger, better, more substantial creation than it’s ever been. It’s not crawling out of the remnants of what it was. I’m forcing it to evolve into something better- something incredible. We will become a society that doesn’t create problems like world hunger or Zombie infections. We will become the utopia that solves these problems; we will become the civilization we were always meant to be.”

  “You’re delusional,” Vaughan grunted.

  “I’m determined,” Matthias roared back.

  “But it’s not good enough,” Hendrix counter-argued calmly. “You’re not the first person to attempt this and chances are that you won’t be the last. I’m sure you even see yourself as noble. You believe you’re the goddamn second coming of Christ. Here to save the world, shepherd the lost and confused. You’re wrong. You are the problem. You are the biggest obstacle standing in our way. And you will never accomplish your goals, simply because you can’t see that.”

  “No, he’s not the biggest problem,” Vaughan countered sadly. “But he will always be disappointed. Humanity will always be humanity. You can’t perfect something incapable of perfection. You see a blank canvas waiting for something to bring the paper to life exactly as the artist wants it. But humanity was never blank, nor will they ever bend to your brush. We are, at our core, imperfect and fallible. Yes, there are great pieces to us and we are capable of immense good. But there are also selfish, greedy, immoral parts to us that will continue to taint and tarnish our decisions and actions until there aren’t any of us left. I’m not saying we can’t rebuild with a better, more grateful, more care
ful version of ourselves. But a utopia is a flawed, unrealistic view of the future. It’s unattainable. A perfect society cannot exist where there is no perfection. A good community that accomplishes good things and strives to be good for humanity can absolutely flourish under even the harshest conditions. But you’re asking too much of us. And you will never see your vision come to life.”

  “You’ve failed before you even began,” Gage finished sadly. “But you’re going to punish everyone who tries to prove that to you.”

  Matthias took another step forward, pressing the barrel of his gun into Gage’s unflinching forehead, “I never said it wouldn’t be without sacrifice. But it will always be for the greater good.”

  Shivers of foreboding doom and gloom slithered over my body and I dared myself to look at Kane again, dared myself to accept that this was what he was a part of, what he willingly gave his life to.

  No wonder Tyler took her first chance to escape.

  It was one thing to fight tooth and nail to survive against hungry Feeders and the natural elements that could be equally as dangerous. It was another thing to live with crazy. And Matthias Allen was so far out of his mind with his wacko beliefs, he might just accomplish all these stupid goals. Or at least watered down versions of them; leaving a trail of blood and dead bodies in his wake.

  “Matthias get your gun out of my face,” Gage rasped. “I have nothing to do with your greater good, or bringing your daughter here. But I will kill you myself before I let you take her back to that sick, sycophantic cult of yours.”

  “We don’t want to fight you,” Vaughan echoed. “But we will.”

  The metal of my gun had heated with my body temperature and pulsed hot and ominous beneath my two-handed grip. I had more weapons tucked into strategic places on my body, but it was the gun in my hands I felt most connected with. It pushed my convictions into wondering if I could even shoot at another human being. This was a different game than Zombies. When Feeders attacked, I was doing them a favor by ending their life. When I was forced to kill Zombies, it was also a part of my effort to survive and preserve my own life.

  Those were still major factors into hurting these humans that threatened me now. But the game had changed. This moment was infinitely more poignant than any other in my struggle to live. And I could feel it in the marrow of my bones. Did I have it in me to kill a human?

  I guess we were about to find out.

  Fear now pulsed through my veins, feverish, rushing blood that pounded in my ears and clouded my vision. Hendrix took a step closer to me, his shoulder pressing into mine. His body heat wrapped around me in a comforting, calming gesture and his heavy breathing lifted and lowered his chest with every inhale and exhale. This man would be the reason I could put my concerns behind me and continue to do what it took to survive. This man. This man that I loved. That I needed. That I would do anything to stay with.

  I felt Nelson close in behind me, his gun aimed over my shoulder. Vaughan stayed tense and ready on the other side of me. I felt confident in our ability. And I was thankful once again we’d sent the younger Parkers with Haley. I had to assume that they were safe. Since Matthias only uncovered Miller and Tyler, they had to be carrying out the plan of staying safe and out of the way.

  I could feel Vaughan’s internal countdown as if we were all connected, as if we’d evolved into one, seamless machine with the same, core function- to keep this family, my loved ones, alive.

  In the moment before everything went to hell, I realized that somewhere along the line Tyler and Miller had become part of our family too. They were as much a part of my heart as the Parkers, as Haley, as the blood vessels, ventricles, atriums and aorta that kept it beating.

  Even Gage was staking his claim in the real estate reserved for people that needed my protection and love.

  “You will not touch what belongs to my family. None of you will,” Matthias warned one second before the first gun went off, launching us into irreversible events that would forever shape the direction of my life.

  The sound echoed off the cavernous ceiling and cement walls. It exploded from Matthias’s gun and took my heart with it.

  Gage somehow- miraculously, seriously by the hand of God- moved just fast enough that the bullet sliced through the surface of skin on his temple.

  He wasn’t superman, and hadn’t moved in a super human way. I believed he felt Matthias’s decision, or instinctively knew to start moving. While my stomach jumped to my throat and my brain tried to process exactly what happened, Gage moved with life-saving skill and got out of the way just in time.

  Or maybe Matthias had never intended to kill Gage, rather just scare him.

  I didn’t know how I realized his wound was just a scratch, or that he would be alright. His head started bleeding intensely, and he staggered an unsteady step. But somehow I knew he would survive.

  It probably had something to do with the intensely aware state of mind I’d slipped into- also known as freaking paralysis. I was having one of those near death moments of clarity and the entire room sharpened into bright focus.

  Because Gage had move just in time, the bullet hadn’t found purchase in his head and had whizzed between Hendrix and me, past Nelson’s head, who stood behind us, and blasted into the concrete wall at a deathly speed. I swear, my hair ruffled as the bastard bullet sped by, my skin prickled, my life flashed before my eyes and my heart cried out to a God I had given up on years ago.

  Matthias- trained killer, expert marksmen- had missed not one of us, but four of us.

  My mind would never be able to wrap around that.

  Not ever.

  By the time my senses caught up to what was happening in front of me, things were bad. Like, really, really bad. We were still alive, but maybe for not much longer.

  Matthias had wrestled an unsteady Gage to the ground, his gun flung in front of him and out of reach. Matthias pressed his foot into Gage’s back and with a gun now aimed at the back of his head, I didn’t think Matthias would be able to miss this time.

  Kane moved forward, his gun just inches from Hendrix and me. I had a sinking feeling, he wouldn’t miss either and that I probably wouldn’t be his first target.

  The room filled with more guns and more men. Matthias only had thirty men compared to Gage’s entire facility filled with armed men.

  But Matthias had the advantage- Tyler and Miller at gunpoint.

  And me.

  I was the third in a trifecta of getaway insurance.

  “You’ll come with me,” Kane told me. “Or they die.”

  I believed him.

  Too many guns in the room. And all trained on Hendrix, Vaughan and Nelson.

  Sure, there were other guns too, guns on my side, guns willing to protect and fight for me- or at least Gage.

  But I couldn’t trust them to act quick enough or accurately enough. Matthias held the power with his hostages and the fact that he could and would stay true to his word.

  “Sure,” I answered Kane casually, meeting his steady black gaze. “I’ll go with you. But you don’t touch them, yeah? They stay alive.”

  Kane nodded once. I knew what that meant. That meant they stay alive for now. Kane wouldn’t stop this though, not even after he possessed me.

  I didn’t really blame him for that. I knew Hendrix wouldn’t stop either. He would never stop trying to get to me.

  And that was why I could be willing to go with Kane now. I would be rescued. He wouldn’t get me far.

  “What did we talk about, Reagan?” Vaughan demanded angrily, if not a little panicked. “No martyrs. No victims. We stay together.”

  “I would love to, Vaughan,” I drawled. “Give me another option.”

  “Put your gun down, Reagan,” Kane demanded. “All of your guns. Knives too.”

  I shook my head. “You’re not the only predator I have to worry about, Kane. You’re not taking me out of these walls unarmed.”

  “I protect you now,” he bellowed. “Me. Put down your we
apons or I will kill him just to prove my point.” He shoved his gun in Hendrix’s direction and I growled an unintelligible response. He would not hurt Hendrix.

  He would not.

  “You’re ruining any progress you made with me,” I hissed. “Whatever I started to believe about you is gone. You’re exactly who I thought you were. You’re exactly the monster I knew you were!”

  “One day you’ll get it, Reagan. You will understand why I do the things that I do. But until then, I will do what’s necessary. Now put down your weapons and come with me.” Kane reached out and pushed my strung-tight arms down, pointing my gun at the ground.

  Matthias’s men surrounded us, while Gage’s couldn’t even get in the door. Pandemonium broke out as Gage’s guys tried to push through and Matthias’s men became more aggressive. Angry shouting built like a tempest of storm and the metal barrels of everyone’s guns glinted in the wavering candlelight.

  Hendrix let out an animalistic sound and lunged for Gage, “Don’t touch her!” he roared.

  This time the shot that rang out over the rising voices found a home. Kane’s shot hit Hendrix like an invisible force field, firm, final and jarring. He jerked back in midair, his whole body closing in on itself with the impact. And then he just dropped to the floor- a heap of limp limbs and dead weight. His skull bounced off the hard, concrete floor and his eyes fluttered closed and didn’t reopen.

  A scream echoed in the now quiet room as we all absorbed the shock of what happened. Somewhere in my swimming, confused brain I realized it had come from me and that I was still screaming. Vaughan and Nelson moved into violent action at exactly the same time. Their guns went off, but I was too out of it to understand if they hit anything. Their inhuman, brutal shouting reverberated above everything else. And vengeance flooded the room with a choking ferocity. If they killed anyone, I couldn’t tell. And eventually they were wrestled to the ground by men that outnumbered them, but that didn’t stop them from flailing and using any means necessary to fight the men off and get to their wounded brother.

  I slunk to the floor, my gun clattering off to the side in defeat. Tears flooded my eyes, pouring in helpless streams down my face. I pulled Hendrix’s head into my lap and stroked his scruffy cheek. Blood pooled on my legs and stomach, but all I could do was just hold him. I placed feather-light kisses over his forehead and closed eyes. He groaned, a more primal, raw whimper than fortified conscious sound. But it was something; it was him, his voice, his suffering. The tears came faster and harder and the harsh reality that I had lost this battle before I’d even fired my weapon slapped me across the face with an iron fist.