Adept

by J. P. Larson

  I stared at her. She had never lashed out like that.

  She stood there, panting at me.

  I held my hands up and backed away. "All I want, Eva, is for us to be together." I backed out of our room and was out of the dormitory seconds later. I don't know if she tried to call me back or not.

  She skipped the morning exercise activities. This was also new behavior; she never skipped. First off, it was mandatory, even for journeywomen, and if anyone noticed, she was going to get demerits for it. But she also loved playing. She approached the games with such joy that it was infectious. Even when she was beating me, her joy was infectious.

  I believe Adept Cardartina noticed the lack of my roommate, but she didn't ask me about it. Everyone else did. "Studying," was the only answer I gave. We played football. I played poorly, as I always did, and I spent the entire time fretting about Eva.

  The swordsmen and women showed up at lunch. Lunia told me to pick someone else this week, but I refused to choose anyone but her.

  Then she asked, "Where's Eva?"

  "Good question," I said.

  Loralai stepped over. "Where's Eva?"

  "She's angry with me," I said.

  "What did you do?" Loralai asked.

  "I learned to cast the Mobius strip before she did."

  "Is that why she's so moody?" Loralai asked.

  "I guess." I turned to Lunia. "You have the right to turn me down, but if you do, I'm not picking anyone else."

  Lunia nodded, and together we moved to the edge of the field.

  Eva arrived late while we were engaged in the small group exercises we did every week. She didn't say a word, but she stood watching Loralai and Henta until they finally noticed. Henta stepped away, and Loralai stepped up to talk to Eva. The two talked briefly, then they joined the exercises together.

  She didn't say hello to me or in any other way acknowledge me.

  "She's not sleeping," Lunia said. "You guys will be fine, Kia. Give her some space for now."

  "She thinks-"

  "She's not thinking clearly. She doesn't think what she said. She's speaking from fear. She's afraid she'll never do it. Loralai says she's dreamed of being Senior Magus since she was barely old enough to know what one was."

  "If either of us is going to do it, it's her," I said.

  "You know everyone at the school believes that about you."

  "No," I said. "I can't. I don't have the right magical flavors."

  "Quartain thinks you two are the next two senior magi."

  "She doesn't. You never talk to her. When would she have told you that?"

  "She didn't. She told Renala once, who told Benton, who told Loralai and me." Benton was Renala's swordsman.

  "I don't care about that," I said. "I want her to be happy, and I want to be with her. But she thinks I hate her or something." I turned away.

  "She doesn't think that. She's afraid, Kia. She's afraid you're going to leave her behind."

  "I wish she had figured it out first," I replied.

  "We better get back to the exercise," Lunia replied. "Quartain is giving us The Look."

  Things got worse. Eva hadn't arrived in time to be assigned a team, so later she waited until she saw which team I was on then took to the other side. She and Loralai faded from view the moment they stepped onto the field. I sighed.

  "Don't get mad, Kia," Lunia said. "It will make it worse."

  "I know."

  Adept Valla called, "Begin". It took Eva seconds to worm a spell through my shields, hitting me with her best paralyze spell right in the chest. My entire body went limp and I collapsed clumsily to the ground, face down.

  I fell the wrong way, so I didn't see what she did with Lunia, and all Lunia would tell me later was, "Don't worry about it."

  Eva left me on the field for a while. I plucked at her spell, but I knew I'd never break it. I never had before. I had a few shields still up, though, so a few minutes later she took the rest of them down. Then she hit me with a blindness and deafness spell.

  Then she dragged me all the way across the field on my stomach. She had never done that to me before; the last person to do that had been Brigette, shortly after I became an apprentice. I was sourly tempted to blast her spell away, cheating or no cheating, but I let her do what she wanted. She dragged me to the far end of the field and left me there.

  She didn't rearrange me. She didn't dispel any of her magic. She left me there.

  And later, after she was declared the winner of the day, she stormed off without helping me up. It was Adept Valla who knelt over me to release me. Eva was already gone.

  That evening, she didn't come to dinner. I avoided our room, risking demerits for my appearance, but none of the adults bothered me about it. Midway through the meal, Adept Valla stopped by the journeywoman table.

  "Kia, Senior Magus Quartain would like a minute of your time when you're done eating."

  "Yes, Adept Valla," I said.

  I decided I wasn't going to fret about it, but I finished eating without lingering and presented myself to the head table. Quartain looked up at me and surely noticed I hadn't changed clothes before dinner, but she simply beckoned me closer.

  "Will you stop by tonight?"

  "Was that a question about my intentions or a request, Senior Magus Quartain?"

  "Good question. I'm not sure."

  I looked away. "I don't know what to do," I said in a small voice. "She's so angry at me."

  "If something keeps you, I understand," she said. "The door will be unlocked."

  "Isn't it always?"

  She smiled. "Not always."

  I didn't even rise to the bait of her tease.

  "If I'm not otherwise distracted, I will stop by, but I don't know if I'll be any good to you."

  "Stop by anyway. Maybe I'll be good for you."

  I nodded and stepped away.

  I stayed away from our room as long as I could, but I couldn't avoid her forever. It was full dark before I stepped through the dormitory front doors and began climbing the stairs. I made it to the door before I heard my name.

  "Kia!" It was Loralai. I turned; she and Lunia were in the lounge at the end of the hall. I moved that way, wondering if there was a party going on, but they were alone.

  "Sit," Loralai suggested.

  "This is bad."

  She nodded.

  I sighed and sat down, but I had a hard time looking at her.

  "She's mad at all of us," Loralai said. "I sort of yelled at her for this afternoon, and she accused me of being on your side. She told me to pick my loyalties."

  I closed my eyes and tried not to cry.

  "You didn't do anything wrong," Loralai said. "She's being entirely unreasonable. I know it's hard, but you need to be a rock. Let her be a bitch. She'll eventually figure it out. If you burn bridges, they're hard to rebuild."

  "Did she throw you out?" I asked.

  "We're avoiding her," Loralai said.

  "Don't take my side again until she's ready to be reasonable. Thank you for the advice."

  I stood up and turned to my room. At the door, I took a deep breath and stepped in. She wasn't in the sitting room. I checked the office next, which was also empty. I found her in our bedroom, and she looked terrible. She was raising her magic over and over. She didn't look up when I stepped in. I closed the door and leaned against it, watching her.

  "Laughing at me?" she finally asked. "Does it amuse you to watch me struggle?" She turned to face me.

  "You hurt me today."

  She shrugged. "I won't be able to much longer. You'll be safe from me."

  "You must really hate me," I said. "I thought you loved me. I thought we loved each other. I thought that was all that mattered. I have admired you since the day I arrived-"

  "The day you began lying to me!" she screamed. "You hid what you could do with your magic for years. You lied!"

  I never before realized she harbored such resentment.

  I stared at her, not sur
e what to do. I didn't see how this ended well. Or at least I didn't see what I could do to make it end well.

  "Do you love me?" I asked quietly.

  She glared. "No."

  Unloved

  My voice caught in my throat.

  One word was a dagger to my chest, and I was filled with immediate pain. I was sobbing by the time I made it to the other end of our suite. I pulled my clothes out from the closet in one big armful and threw them onto my desk. I collected the things from my desk that mattered to me and rolled everything into a big roll, gathering it all in my arms. Then I struggled with the doors, finally slamming the door out of the way and, sobbing, fled the room, running for the stairs.

  "Kia!" I heard Lunia. "Kia!"

  I ran down to second floor and picked a room as far from Eva's as I knew was open, bursting in. I made sure it was empty and threw my things into a pile on the floor. I found a bed and threw myself onto it, gathering the waiting pillow and burying my face in it.

  Lunia found me moments later. "Kia? What happened?"

  I unburied my face. "Go away!" I screamed at her.

  She was never any good at leaving me alone when I told her to. She crossed the room and sat down on the bed, a hand on my shoulder.

  "Go away!" I screamed again.

  "Kia, what happened?"

  "She doesn't love me!" I buried my face into the pillow, screaming into it. "Oh god, Lunia, she hates me."

  "She doesn't," Lunia said. "Kia, she's not sleeping. She's upset. But she loves you."

  "That's not what she said!" I screamed into the pillow. "Go away!"

  "Kia, Loralai told you not to burn bridges."

  "So this is my fault?" I asked, then screamed, "Go away!"

  "Calm down, Kia."

  "I don't want to calm down! She said she doesn't love me, and she meant it. Now go away!"

  She tried arguing with me. She tried soothing me. "I don't need a baby sitter, Lunia! Leave me alone. Get out."

  Finally she did.

  * * * *

  I don't know how long I wailed. Just when I thought I had it under control, I ran the conversation through my head again.

  "Do you love me?"

  "No."

  Finally I pulled myself back together. I climbed off of the bed and shuffled out of the room, heading for the bathroom. Some of the other journeywomen were hanging out in the hall, and they stared at me when I stepped out of the room.

  "Kia?" asked Sarai. "What happened?"

  "Nothing. I'm moving in here."

  "Are you all right?" she stepped closer.

  "No." I stepped past her towards the bathroom. They moved aside for me, but Sarai followed me.

  "Kia?"

  I ignored her but cleaned myself up a little. Finally she got in my way.

  "Kia? What happened?"

  "Eva told me she doesn't love me." I looked at her. "I'd rather everyone left me alone."

  "She didn't mean it, Kia," Sarai said. "She is as in love with you as you are with her."

  "Go tell her that," I said.

  She looked at me a moment then said, "You know what? I think I will." She didn't even wait but turned on her heel and was out of the bathroom before I could tell her what a phenomenally bad idea that was.

  I wasn't sure I cared.

  I shambled back to my new room, ignoring the stares. When I got there, I looked around. My clothes were still in a heap on the floor, so I picked them up, unwrapped everything, then moved to the bedroom closet and hung everything up.

  The room was the same floor plan as my old room: a center room and two side rooms. There was a bed and desk in each side room and the center room was organized much like my old room. I moved into the right-side bedroom. I didn't know who was going to use the other side. I put the things from my desk away then sat on the bed.

  I wanted the rest of my things, and I wasn't going to let Eva keep me from them. I got back up and headed upstairs. When I got there, I heard Sarai and Eva talking in the bedroom. I ignored them but went to the office. It took three trips, but I collected the remaining things from my desk. It took more trips, but I retrieved the other things in the room that were mine, then more trips for some of the plants, the ones I liked the most. I left the rest for Eva.

  I had things in the bedroom, but I didn't want to go there while Eva was there. I decided they could wait. I finally went back to my new room, dropped my clothes on the floor, and climbed into bed.

  * * * *

  It was much later that Lunia let herself into the room. I didn't wake until she sat down on the bed.

  I rolled over and looked up at her. My voice caught in my throat, but I told her, "I hurt."

  "I know," she said.

  "How do I make it stop hurting, Lunia?"

  "By listening to what I'm going to tell you." She paused just a moment. "She didn't mean it, Kia. She didn't mean it."

  "She did."

  "No, Kia, she didn't. She was lashing out because she's scared and embarrassed. I think she finally really let it sink it just how much difference there is between the two of you, and she's jealous."

  "Then she's an idiot."

  "Right now, she is," Lunia agreed. "She hasn't slept much in three weeks, Kia, and she's not rational. She's going to come to her senses and beg your forgiveness."

  "She's been harboring resentment, Lunia," I said, "for years."

  "She loves you, Kia."

  I rolled away from her, staring at the wall.

  "I want you to listen to a few other things." I didn't say a word. "I love you. Loralai loves you. Ploardo loves you almost like a daughter. Senior Magus Quartain and Magus Iladarta both love you. And while it doesn't feel like it right now, Eva loves you. I also think some of the other students here love you, but I couldn't say for sure. And do you want to know why all these people love you?"

  I didn't respond to that question.

  "It's because you're just that loveable."

  I didn't respond to that, either.

  "I know you think it's Eva who makes the friends, and you just follow along. But that's not at all accurate. The two of you make friends differently. You are complementary to each other, and together you are unstoppable."

  "But we're not together anymore."

  "Temporarily," Lunia said. "I promise."

  "How can you know that?"

  "Because I refuse to consider a world where the two of you aren't together."

  "I don't think your unwillingness to accept her change of heart isn't going to change her heart back."

  "Her heart doesn't need changing. She needs a few days of sleep and some sense shaken into her."

  I didn't answer her.

  "Kia, I need you to make a small decision. Will you let me climb into bed with you?"

  "You have a bed," I told her.

  "I'm not welcome up there right now," she said. "Am I welcome down here?"

  At that I rolled over.

  "If you really want to be alone, I can move back to the barracks."

  I didn't answer, and after a moment she started to get up.

  "No," I said. "Not the barracks. I think I need to be alone though. You can have the other bedroom. You and Loralai, if you want it."

  "You're sure you don't want me in here with you?"

  "I do, but I think it'll be worse. I'm sorry."

  "It's all right," she said. "Do you want me to rub your back until you go to sleep?"

  "No. I'm sorry I'm not more welcoming."

  "Don't worry about it." She bent down and kissed my forehead. "I'm just in the other room if you need me, Kia."

  "Why do you never need me, Lunia?"

  "I do, Kia," she said. "I've needed you since the day we met. It's just not as obvious, and it's not in the same way."

  She slipped away after that, and eventually I slept.

  * * * *

  Other than trips to the bathroom, I didn't emerge from my bedroom for three days. Lunia tried to mother hen me, but I told her to leave me a
lone, and if she couldn't respect my wishes, she knew where the barracks were. I let her bring food, which I picked at, but by and large, I hid in my room.

  I sulked a lot. I cried a lot. I stared out the window a lot.

  I ran the conversation through my head an awful lot.

  I didn't study my magic. I didn't talk to anyone. I received a summons from Quartain, which I ignored.

  It was the fourth day that Quartain invaded my room. She found me still in my nightshirt, staring out the window.

  "What do you want?" I didn't even turn to look at her.

  "Go take a shower and get dressed," she ordered.

  "Leave me alone."

  "Do not take that tone with me, Kia. Do what you're told."

  I turned to her. "Do not start a fight with me."

  She studied me. I didn't even bother glaring at her. Frankly, I didn't have the energy.

  "I thought about two approaches," she said. "I could come in here and wrap my arms around you and tell you it's going to be okay. Or I could come in here and tell you what you're going to do. I picked the second. Would you prefer the first? There is no third choice."

  I turned back to the window, not responding.

  "You can decide to make this worse, Kia. I'm not taking 'no' for an answer. I let you wallow for three days. Now, you are going to shower. You are going to get dressed. You are going to start taking care of yourself again. We're going to lunch together, and then we're going to practice your magic together."

  "Not interested."

  "I don't particularly care if you're interested," she replied. "You're going to do it anyway. I'll give you a few choices. If you want a good cry, my shoulder is right here. I'll always be here for you, Kia. So will Lunia. That's a choice for you. Your next choice is whether you will take your shower with or without an obedience spell involved."

  "Bully," I said. She didn't even flinch. I turned back to her. “Are you sure you can cast an obedience spell I can’t burn out? And are you willing to destroy our relationship over it?”

  “Not easily, but yes, I can. And no, I would rather not, but I don’t have much choice.” She paused a moment, shifting her weight. "Kia, you know I don't like sharing my dreams. I'm going to do so this time. I've had two dreams. In one of them, you wallow. You become bitter. You fulfill your service to the queen grudgingly, and then you become a hermit. You live alone and miserable. You become, more or less, Erin."