Adept

by J. P. Larson

  Her question took a little of my anger out of me. “No.”

  She looked around my house. "Are you happy here?" Jade asked.

  That question put most of my anger right back. "Happy? You're seriously asking whether I'm happy to live in exile? You're asking if I'm happy to believe I'll never see my family again? You're asking if I'm happy knowing how much I hurt Eva?"

  "I am inviting you home, Kia," the queen said gently.

  I stood up and turned away. No one interfered when I paced for a moment then moved to the sink and stared out the window. I neither believed nor trusted the queen. Finally, I said, "I think you're lying. There are portions of your story that don't add up. I also don't believe you're offering me a real choice. Well, maybe you are. Pretend to go willingly or go unwillingly."

  I turned around. They were all watching me. I was expecting harsh looks and was surprised not to see any.

  "What doesn't add up?" Marie asked.

  "I'm supposed to tell you so you can talk your way out of it?"

  "I'm not lying, Kia. This is your choice, although you can bet we're not done trying to convince you."

  "Should I expect that convincing to include an obedience spell?"

  She huffed at me, a sound of exasperation. "No. You have grown so distrusting."

  "I was taught to distrust, Jade," I replied. "You and Quartain went through a great deal of work teaching me to distrust, and that goes back to the day Malla and Erin arrived in Lamore's Crossing." I put my hand on my hip. "You told me you would have broken your promise if I'd allowed myself to be drawn into an argument. Queens shouldn't make promises they don't intend to keep, but you seem to make a habit of it."

  "I have never broken a promise to you!" she said hotly.

  "I consider our interactions from when I was sixteen until I turned eighteen to have been a promise, Jade. Didn't you?"

  She had the grace to look away. "That was a mistake. I was lonely."

  My voice rose. "Friendship with me was a mistake? The only reason you wanted to be friends was because you were lonely?"

  She turned back. "I didn't say that. Planning to seduce you was the mistake. I should have stuck to friendship. I will also say I terribly mishandled things when I realized why you were so upset that night. I'm sorry, Kia." I could hear the pain in her voice. "I was wrong. I've apologized. Repeatedly. I thought we were past that."

  I thought about that and then marginally softened my tone. "I was until you were about to betray me."

  "I wasn't going to betray you!"

  "If I had argued with Flutarine, you would have. Furthermore, I don't understand why she pushed and pushed so hard. She expected to have me, which means she didn't believe you'd keep your promises, either."

  "Flutarine is twice my age and thinks she can bully me," the queen replied. "Although I think most of what she said was on principle. After your escapades with Byseen, everyone wanted you. Flutarine and Sytara have strong opinions how I should deploy the available sorceresses, and they are both under the mistaken belief they can bully me into getting what they want."

  We stared at each other for a minute. Then I nodded. "But you were still ready to betray me if I argued-"

  Marie held up her hand. "No, I was not. You are under your own mistaken belief. You believe that Quartain's dreams say, 'If this happens, then that happens.' That is not how they work. She has two dreams. Either the entirety of one dream happens, or the entirety of the other happens. For the first dream to come true, you would first have had to antagonize the magi, and then I would have had to break my promise. You didn't antagonize them, but even if you had, I wasn't going to break my promise. In a way, my determination not to break my promise was a guarantee you wouldn’t antagonize the magi. If Quartain had come to me with her dreams, I could have prevented a fight during your exam simply by being absolutely committed to keeping my promise to you."

  I stared at her for a while, unsure what to say. But then I latched onto the other half of Quartain's dream. "What about the other half, then? If I didn't fight at my exam, then you were going to separate Eva and me. That would still be breaking your promise." I narrowed my eyes.

  “Well, Kia,” said Hallamarie. “I can’t explain that. It was every bit my intention to keep the two of you together. It appears as if Quartain was wrong.”

  Eva turned back to me. "None of this matters, Kia. There's only one thing that matters. Do you love me and want to be with me, or not?"

  "I'd go back if I thought you would take me, and we could be together."

  "Then start packing," Eva said immediately.

  "We leave in the morning," Jade added.

  "We have work to do," Eva said.

  I looked back and forth between both of them.

  "I still want to know what my punishment is going to be."

  "No punishment," Jade said.

  "Not true," Eva replied. "Two years, Kia. More than two years. We should have been together. There will be punishment." She paused. "You'll probably enjoy most of it."

  Lunia snickered.

  "Kia, I was hurt and angry," Eva went on. "But I haven't stopped loving you."

  Everything was happening so quickly, and I was having a hard time keeping up with the conversation. "I don't understand."

  The queen sighed. "What is so hard? Come home. Your assignment is to provide Eva with cover. That means you are a traveling healer. Travel where she directs. Heal in the time she gives you to heal. Help her in other ways that she requests."

  "That's it?"

  "Well, you are needed at Northmere. There are batches of salves requiring Doctor K's attention. And you’ve neglected your training. I need you to become a magus, Kia."

  "And Quartain wants to yell at you for a while," Eva said, "but you can handle her."

  "I believe Adept Cardartina has a few words for you as well," the queen added. "But you already paid her for the inconvenience, and anything she has to say is primarily bluster."

  "You're not going to, I don't know. Throw me in prison?"

  "Why would I do that? You aren't any use to me in prison."

  I climbed from my seat and prowled the cabin. "What aren't you telling me?" I finally asked.

  "Probably a great deal," the queen said. "You've been gone for two years. You've missed some of the news."

  I stopped. "Jade, are you a mother?"

  I turned to her and she began to smile. She nodded to me.

  "Oh no, I took you from your young child! I'm so sorry."

  "It was my choice to come," she said. "I could have just sent this one to rope you and bring you back, but I thought this was better."

  "Boy or a girl?"

  "Girl," she said. "Her name is Roraellen. I can't wait for you to meet her." She paused. "Kia, there are no tricks. If you would rather stay... here..." she looked around, making her point easily, "I'm not going to haul you back unwillingly. You owe me seven years, and I would really like it if you repaid it. But you are right. You didn't deserve the games, and you already performed one major service to Ordeen. If you believe you owe me nothing, I'm not going to pursue it."

  "But if I come back, you are."

  "Of course, I am," she said. "If you don't love Eva anymore, then I'll assign you on a circuit somewhere they need a healer. If the only choice you'll accept is going back to Lamore's Holding, then I'd rather you were there than here. But I need Eva doing what she's doing, and she needs help. She wants yours."

  "I-" I thought about it, then looked at Eva. "I don't know how to help you."

  "Kia," she said. "Shut up. Do you still love me or not?"

  "I could never stop."

  "Do you want to be together or not?"

  "Of course, I do."

  "Then what is the problem?"

  I turned to look out the window. "I may really go home?"

  "Idiot," said the queen. "Living up in the wilds here has turned you into an idiot. Yes, you may come home."

  Tears began leaking from my eyes. Eva
paused only a moment but then moved to me and pulled me into her arms. We kissed. "I'm sorry," I whispered.

  "You better be," Eva said.

  "There are conditions," the queen said once we broke the hug.

  "Of course, there are," I replied.

  "You will be working on your magus skills. We'll fit it in." I nodded.

  Then Eva said, "You're accepting my tracking spell. I don't ever want to wonder where you are again. Do I make myself clear?"

  "Yes, Eva," I said quietly.

  "You are forfeiting your profits from Doctor K's for five years," the queen said. I didn't particularly care. “Frankly, I’d rather not, but it will appease those who feel you’re getting off lightly.”

  "I get a tracking device," Lunia said. "One that works one hundred percent of the time."

  I laughed. "I can't make it for you."

  "I can make the spell, but I can't make it permanent," Eva said.

  "And I can make it permanent," the queen added. She turned to Eva. "She's in an agreeable mood. What else do you suppose we should demand?"

  "How about a promise to never do it again?"

  "Oh, yes." She turned to me. "Don't do it again."

  Home

  The queen had a ship waiting for us in Daldara, the capital of Haltorda. It was a private merchant vessel, and she remained in her Jade character until we arrived at Nalori. She also told us to keep our magic and our titles private. It took four days to reach Daldara and another six until we docked in Nalori.

  Before we left Renway, I gave nearly everything I owned back to the village. I kept one of the horses for the ride to Daldara as well as my clothes and healing tools in case they were needed on the way home. But I had a fairly sizeable pouch of coins, and so I wasn't empty-handed.

  Things were strained all the way home. I didn't know how to behave. I didn't know if Eva and I were still lovers. I didn't know if Lunia was my swordswoman. I didn't know if Marie and I were friends, although I didn’t think we were. And I dreaded my reunion with Quartain.

  I didn't even want to think what my family thought of me. They hadn't heard from me in over two years.

  It was while we were standing at the railing of the ship, approaching Nalori, that Eva asked, "What's wrong."

  I told her all of it then added, "I feel ashamed and embarrassed."

  "I should have asked you a week ago," she said. She turned me to face her. "I can't answer all of those questions for you, but I can answer some. I love you, Kia, and I want you."

  I started to cry and pulled her into my arms. We held onto each other for a while.

  "We're going to make love when we get home, unless you don't want to."

  "I want to," I said.

  "Good." Then she pushed me away. "As for Lunia. She is waiting for you to ask her to be your swordswoman again. But you need to ask her. She'll say yes, but you have to ask. I will be very angry with you if you don't. She and Loralai are madly in love, and you better have a darned better reason than 'I'm too embarrassed' if you don't ask her back."

  "I will," I said.

  "The meeting with Quartain will be difficult, but probably more for her than for you. Your reaction wasn't actually that unreasonable."

  "Really?"

  "Really.”

  “What about the queen? I don’t trust her, but I bet I have to work with her.”

  “Be an adult and work it out,” Eva said. “Maybe ask her why I trusted her. I had other choices.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I could have come to you alone. Or I could have sent something by post. Instead, I led the queen right to you, and it wasn’t because I was unaware of how you felt, Kia.”

  I stared at her, not quite sure what she was saying.

  "Go ask her. Now, before we finish pulling into port. Then find Lunia."

  And so I did, finding the queen in her cabin. Nara and Kelline were with her. "Jade, I wonder if I might have a private moment with you."

  "Of course," she said.

  "We'll wait outside," Nara said, and the two bodyguards stepped outside, leaving me with the queen.

  When I didn’t say anything, Marie asked, “This must be important, Ruby. What is it?”

  “I believe I have reasons to distrust you.”

  “I’m sorry I’ve given you those reasons,” she replied.

  “I don’t believe I had a real choice whether I was coming back. If I hadn’t come willingly, you either were going to force me or burn out my magic. I didn’t have any more choice than when I was twelve. If I hadn’t agreed to stay, you would have forced me.”

  “You’ve told me repeatedly that staying was the right choice.”

  “That was when I still believed you’d keep your word to me,” I replied. “But that’s not the point. I didn’t have a real choice then, and I didn’t have one two weeks ago, either.”

  “You might be right about what I would have decided when we first met, although once I realized what we had, I was determined to convince you. I would have found a solution. Maybe that’s a subtle difference from what you suspect, but I think it’s also an important difference. Maybe you would have been more stubborn about it than I had time to be. I don’t know what I would have done if that had been the case. But no, Kia, you are wrong about two weeks ago. Is that the reason you came? You thought you had no choice?”

  “It played a part,” I said. “I never stopped loving Eva. I never stopped missing my family.” I put my hand on my hip. “I’d be happy to never deal with you or Quartain again.”

  “That saddens me,” she replied. “Do you think I’m playing games with you?”

  “I’m sure of it, although Eva suggested I ask you why she trusts you.”

  Marie smiled. “Did she?”

  “You think this is funny.”

  “No, Kia,” she said. “That was a wry smile. I’m hurt you feel so much distrust, but I understand. I’m more hurt knowing what it’s going to take to defuse your distrust.”

  “Right,” I said. “That will happen.”

  “Eva came to me the day after she passed her magus exam.”

  “And?”

  “She asked me what I was going to do if we found you. It wasn’t stated, but it was implied it might be her that found you.”

  “And?”

  “I told her I didn’t know, other than to convince you to come home.” I didn’t respond to that. “So, she asked for assurances.”

  “Assurances you’ll keep as long as they are convenient to do so.”

  She closed her eyes for a long moment, taking a long pause before opening again. “The first: she would be the one to make initial contact. Second: we could be as convincing as we wanted, but no one would force you to come home. And three: I’d keep my original promise to you, and if you wished, that the two of you could be together. Last: no reprisals of any sort.” Then she smiled. “I didn’t have a problem making those assurances, and I did it again with an audience: both swordswomen and every senior magus.”

  I wasn’t sure what to say.

  “Now, even if you don’t trust me for any other reason, do you know why you can trust those promises?”

  “No.”

  “Because if I break them, I’ll not only lose you again, but I’ll lose Eva and two excellent swordswomen. I’ll also tell the senior magi that my promises are meaningless. Kia, we’ve had some history, but I have loved you for a long time. You can be as frustrating as anyone, but that isn’t exactly your fault. In spite of our troubles, I love you every bit as much as I ever have.”

  “Marie,” I whispered.

  “I have hurt you. Quartain has hurt you. I ask a lot from my magi. I have to, Kia, and I’ve asked more from you than I’ve asked of any others your age. I do not believe that has ended. But I have never done one thing with the goal of hurting you.”

  I looked down at the floor, not quite ready to give her that point, although I knew I wasn’t being fair. Beyond that, I didn’t know what to think anymore. Final
ly, a little grudgingly, I admitted, “You have to put Ordeen first, Your Majesty.” Then I looked up. “You haven’t exactly gone out of your way to avoid hurting me, either.”

  “You’re right, and I’m sorry for that,” she admitted. “And sometimes I make selfish mistakes. Friendship with you has never been a mistake, Kia. Never. But I shouldn't have kissed you when you were sixteen. I was being horribly selfish. I knew that at the time, but I was doing it anyway. I am sorry for that.”

  I wasn’t sure what to say, so I nodded. Marie offered a smile. "I sincerely hope we're friends, Kia. I understand that may take time."

  “Time,” I echoed.

  "Time,” she repeated. “It’s going to work itself out, Kia. Now, you have another awkward conversation, but perhaps that will be easier than this one."

  We didn’t hug, and I wouldn’t have let her if she had tried. She may call us friends all she wanted, but she was Queen Hallamarie first, foremost, and always, and I was done forgetting that.

  * * * *

  I went in search of Lunia. She and Loralai were hanging over the stern of the ship. They stopped talking as I approached.

  "I'm going to make sure we're ready to disembark," Loralai said.

  I moved to the railing and looked out over the ocean behind us.

  "I don't know how large an apology I owe you,” I admitted.

  "I'll let you know when I hear the rest of what you have to say."

  I turned to her. "I need a swordswoman, and I can't imagine anyone else but you. I don't want anyone else but you. But if you hate me, I understand."

  "That is the crappiest invitation I've ever heard. Try again."

  "Lunia, will you be my swordswoman?"

  "Much better," she said. She smiled. "Maybe."

  "Maybe?"

  "Repeat after me: I was a complete, utter idiot."

  “That’s not fair.”

  She turned to face me squarely. “I was your swordswoman, Kia. My loyalty was to you. Do you think if you had come to me, I would have prevented you from leaving?”