by Shannon West
Carter didn’t know if he was gay or not. Or not exactly. He’d never wanted to be with any other man except for Nick and had never found any other man sexually attractive, except for Nick, either. Did that count? Nick had been Carter’s best friend and the one he’d looked up to since he was a little kid. Small for his age growing up, Carter had admired Nick’s big, solid build and always wished he could be more like him. Nick had always seemed so tough, not afraid of anything or anybody. In fact, the first time they’d met, he’d scared Carter half to death.
It was the first day of kindergarten. Carter’s mom had taken him into the building and after only a brief hug, had left him alone in the big, strange classroom. Everything seemed scary and intimidating. The teachers were all busy with other crying kids, so he’d gone off to a quiet corner to wait for things to start. He pulled out a little pack of Oreos his mom had tucked into his shirt pocket, thinking he would console himself with a little snack.
Just as he was about to take his first bite, a bigger hand reached over and snatched his cookies away. Carter turned in dismay and saw a taller, tougher-looking kid with dark, curly hair stuff one of his cookies in his mouth and grin at him, his front teeth black with the remains of Carter’s Oreo.
Suddenly, it all seemed too much to bear. His mother’s callous abandonment, the strange environment and now the ultimate outrage—his cookies stolen out from under his nose by a big, mean bully. He clenched his fists and quietly started to cry, big teardrops squeezing out of his eyes to drop onto the table in front of him. He wanted his mama, and he wanted her now.
It was then he felt the arm go around his shoulders. The mean boy who stole his cookies was hugging him and sliding the package back toward him. “Aw, I was just teasin’. You don’t hafta cry about it.”
“I-I want my mama,” he gulped.
“I know,” the boy replied quietly. “But when they leave, they don’t come back till the end of the day. But they always come back. Don’t worry. My name’s Nick and I’ll take care of you till she gets here.”
Carter leaned into him, and the boy patted his back. That had been the beginning of things. Their friendship had lasted all through school. He thought Nick would be a lifelong friend—and then in the span of one evening, he’d fucked things up forever and he hadn’t seen or spoken to Nick since.
He’d do anything to get him back, because he’d finally admitted to himself he couldn’t live without Nick in his life any longer. He would do whatever it—be with him in whatever capacity he demanded—if only he’d forgive him. After what he’d said to Nick the last bitter evening, he’d do or say anything to make it right between them. He could no longer live in a world where Nick hated him.
It took him a long time to get to this point. He’d been denying his true feelings for Nick for so long it was like second nature to him. All he knew growing up was Nick was his hero, his best friend, the one he could always rely on. He’d been jealous of every boy Nick had ever been attracted to. He’d made fun of them, called them names, and told Nick how unsuitable they were. Of course, it was pure jealousy. He knew it now. He had only been kidding himself. He had feelings for Nick that went way beyond friendship. Carter had finally admitted to himself that he was in love with him after it was too late. And it was way past time he admitted it to Nick, if only he would listen.
A sudden knock on the door of Carter’s office made him jump. He turned to see one of the other English professors, a guy he’d just met named Mike Johnson, smiling at him from the open door. Carter motioned for him to come in.
“Hi, Carter, you settling in okay?”
“Hi, Mike, yeah, everything’s fine.”
“I only stopped by to see if you wanted to join me and some of the other professors on staff here at our poker game tonight. We have it every Thursday night and it would be a great way to meet some folks. If you’re interested.”
“Well, I’m not much of a poker player, but thanks for thinking of me. Maybe next time.”
“Sure. But hey, are you sure I can’t get you to change your mind? One of your old friends will be there. Nick Darby? He mentioned you guys used to know each other.”
Carter’s heart stopped for a moment. Not paused, not skipped a beat, literally just stopped, and then lurched back up with a jolt that skittered down his spine. “He did? Oh . Yes, Nick and I are old friends. If Nick will be there, then I’d love to come.”
“Great. We usually get there around seven. I’ll text you the address.”
“Okay, here, put my number in your phone.” He handed it to Mike, who was just finishing up when a deep voice interrupted from the doorway.
“Carter Ford,” Carter glanced up and froze. Nick was there, his handsome face unsmiling.
“N-Nick.” Carter wondered if he looked as stunned as he felt. He’d been over this moment in his mind many times in the past few days, the moment he would come face to face with Nick again. He’d planned to say something clever and maybe a little sentimental, and now all he could do was stare at him. It was so strange to be so close to Nick again after all these years and not be able to hug him. To tell him how glad he was to see him again. He was right there, not five feet away, but in reality, they were still miles apart from each other. He wondered if they could find a way to bridge that gap. He cleared his throat.
“Hello, Nick. I heard you were teaching here at Crawford. Long time, no see.” Long time, no see? Really? After all this time, that banal shit is the best you can come up with? He could feel a slow blush working its way upward from his collar.
Nick still said nothing, staring at him, his gaze roving up and down him curiously. Mike was staring at him too. He had to say something, so he blurted out the first thing that came to mind. “I, uh, I told Mike I’d come to do poker tomorrow.”
“Um, it’s called playing poker, Carter,” Mike said, smiling. His face looked sympathetic. “It really has been a while since you played, huh? That’s okay, it’ll come back to you in no time.”
“Yes, and if not, you can always quit. Carter’s good at that, aren’t you, Carter?”
Carter felt his face flaming again. He couldn’t let Nick get to him. Not this time. He squared his shoulders and lifted his chin. “I won’t quit. I’m not going anywhere, Nick.”
“That’ll make a nice change.” Nick turned around, leaning heavily on his cane and wincing a bit as he moved too fast. “See you tomorrow then. Don’t be late. We start promptly at seven o’clock.”
He squared his shoulders and lifted his chin. “Scared of a little competition, Darby?”
Nick made a little snorting sound. “Not from you.” Nick turned around, ready to leave.
Carter called after him. “Don’t worry, Nick, I’ll be there.”
Nick glanced back over his shoulder with a smirk. “Oh, I’m not worried. I don’t think you’ll show up at all.” He turned and walked down the hall, limping a bit and leaning on his cane without so much as a word or a backward glance. Carter dropped his gaze, staring down at his desk.
Mike shifted his feet nervously. “Well, that was a little…uh, intense. I take it you two don’t care for each other much.”
Carter took a deep breath. “On the contrary. He was my best friend, Mike. Always was. He’s mad at me right now, and thinks he hates me, but I’m here to change his mind about that. We...uh…we had a difference of opinion once, that’s all. It was a long time ago and I’d like to patch things up if I can.”
“I wish you luck, then.” Mike said quietly. “I really do. He’s a great guy under that gruff exterior. You know, he’s a war hero. He got the Bronze Star—if he’s not always the friendliest guy, then I figure he’s got the right. He’s in a lot of pain from the wound on his leg, and he needs a good friend. I hope you two can work it out.”
“Thanks. I hope so too.”
Mike left the office with a wave. After speaking with Nick again, Carter felt a little depressed, but he was still hopeful. Okay, so their first meeting hadn’t been exa
ctly stellar, but he was going to be with Nick tomorrow night. Maybe being with him again like this in a social situation was a good idea. They would be able to get used to each again, without it being too intense. Unlike the last time he’d seen Nick.
On that occasion, the situation had overwhelmed him and he’d fucked up. He was scared he might have ruined things between them forever. Totally losing his nerve, he’d said something unforgiveable. Afterward, Nick’s eyes took on an expression of hurt and betrayal and then he was done—just like that. His face had never arranged itself in those particular lines in the entire time he’d known Carter and it had been a shock. And devastating.
Carter tried everything he could think of to get Nick to forgive him, but it was too late. Carter hadn’t seen Nick again in over five years. Nick had refused to see him or even speak to him since that night.
He’d tried—he’d sent letters and emails and tried calling him, but he steadfastly refused to answer. After a long time, Carter just quit trying.
He leaned back in his chair and remembered how it all began.
****
Nick and Carter had grown up living near each other in Decatur, a tree-lined suburb of Atlanta. Carter loved Nick since he was only a little kid. Really loved him, like family, like a brother. He looked up to Nick, and Nick took care of him, at school, at home, everywhere. Carter came to him with all his problems, like when Billy Anthony was beating him up every day in the fourth grade, taking his lunch money.
After shamefully telling Nick how the boy had twisted his arm up behind him during recess and made him cry in front of the teacher and all the other fourth grade students, Nick nodded thoughtfully. Nick was in another class but the next day, Nick, big for a fourth grader, left his own recess area and came over to theirs. He went over to Billy Anthony, put a companionable arm around him and led him off to a corner of the playground. Carter watched them from a distance. Nick never laid a hand on him but when they came back, Billy was crying and sniffing loudly, and Nick waved at Carter cheerfully and headed back to his own area of the playground. Billy never bothered Carter again.
Carter expected they would spend their whole lives together, best friends, sharing everything. He thought Nick would always be there beside him, his wing man, his partner in crime, his compadre. If he ever thought about it, he could see their lives stretching out in a long row of years when they would always be good buddies, best men at each other’s weddings and godfathers to each other’s children. One day, they’d probably be old men in the nursing home together, living parallel lives to the end. He firmly believed it right up until the day Nick sat beside him on the bed in his room and solemnly told him he was gay.
Carter was fifteen that year. He had begun to take an interest in girls, and even chatted with a few online in the evenings and talked to one or two of them on the phone at night. One girl in particular had caught his eye. Heather was little and curvy and smiled a lot at him from across the classroom. He’d chatted with her a bit online and was working up his nerve to ask her to go to the Homecoming dance with him. He’d already decided to get Nick to double with him—Nick, a few months older than Carter, already had a driver’s license, so he’d be spared the humiliation of getting his mother to drive them. He broached the subject to Nick one night when he was sleeping over. Nick was playing a video game when Carter brought up the subject.
“So, Nick, have you decided who you’re taking to Homecoming?
“Huh?” Nick said distractedly, “Oh, no, I’m probably not going.”
“What? No man, you got to go—I want you to double with me and Heather. You can drive.”
“I’m not goin’, Carter. You’ll have to get your mom to take you.”
“Man, do you have any idea how lame that is? No, Nick, ask somebody. A lot of the girls at school would be happy to go with you. I’ve seen how they look at you. C’mon man, it’ll be fun.”
“No, Carter.”
Carter wasn’t used to Nick telling him no about anything. Carter was usually the one who made the rules, made all the plans for them, and Nick always went along. “Well, why not?”
Nick sighed and stood up. He came over and sat down next to Carter on the bed and turned to him with a serious expression on his face. “Okay, look, I’m going to tell you something, and I don’t want you to like freak out or anything like you always do, okay?”
Carter nodded curiously.
“Cause I know how you get sometimes. You overreact to things, and make a lot of drama. No drama, you promise?”
“Damn, what is it, do you have cancer or something?” Carter’s voice went up an octave or two.
Nick chuckled. “No, but when I tell you this, you might wish I did.” He held Carter’s gaze with his own. “Carter, I’m gay.”
Carter’s first reaction was to laugh, and then he saw how seriously Nick was regarding him. “Don’t freak out, Carter.”
“Don’t freak out? Don’t freak out? But...how...why? I mean, how can you be sure? Have you—done something with somebody?” It was curious how the thought of Nick “doing something” with somebody else gave him a funny feeling in the pit of his stomach.
“No, I haven’t done anything yet, but yeah, I’m sure, and I don’t know why. Born that way, I guess. I simply don’t have any interest in girls that way, you know? I mean, I like them, and think they’re cute and all, but they do nothing for me. Guys, on the other hand...”
Carter jumped up and began to pace. He cast a jealous look over at Nick. “What guys? Look, just…just stop it. Right now. You have to get your mind off it, and go out with some girls. Go out with Christy Bingham who sits behind you in Art. She’s cute, and she likes you, I can tell. C’mon, let’s call her now. I’ll call Heather and get her number.”
Nick reached out to stop him, grabbing his hand. “It’s no good, Carter. You have to accept it. I’m gay. I’ll understand if you can’t...if you can’t be my friend anymore.”
Carter pulled his hand away, but then at the look of embarrassment and hurt on Nick’s face, he dropped down beside him on the bed and quickly put his arm around his shoulders, giving him a hug. “I’m glad you told me, Nick. And of course, I still want to be your friend. I’m your best friend, and nothing can change that.” He sat beside him on the bed for a few more minutes, keeping his arm tightly around his shoulders, pretending not to notice when Nick wiped away a tear sliding down the side of his face.
“There’s only one thing, though. I don’t think it’s such a good idea if you sleep in my bed tonight.”
Nick turned hurt eyes toward him in surprise, and Carter laughed. “Not because of what you told me, but because you stink. Man, do you ever use deodorant?” He dodged away, still laughing as Nick shied a pillow at him.
Things didn’t really change between them at all. That is, until Nick confessed to Carter he had a crush on a boy in his American History class. That was when they had their first real fight. The boy, Brandon, was small and blonde, and in the band. Nick played football, and told Carter they started hanging out together after practices, and on the long bus rides home from away games.
And all of a sudden, Nick didn’t have as much time to spend with Carter. When Carter called him after school, he couldn’t talk long because he was waiting for a call from Brandon. When Carter tried to make plans together on Saturdays, Nick was busy. Carter took it for three long weeks before he decided to put a stop to it.
He knew, of course, about Nick’s feelings for him. He wasn’t stupid. He actually enjoyed the power he had over Nick, able to make him do most anything for him. The idea this kid Brandon was stealing Nick away from him pissed him off and gave him strange feelings he didn’t want to examine too closely. He figured Nick and Brandon were having sex, and while he couldn’t compete with that exactly, at least he could try to remind Nick of the bond they had between them.
Knowing how much Nick loved camping, Carter suggested a camping trip on the following weekend. He finally got Nick to agree, a little s
urprised at how hard he had to beg him, because he and Brandon were “supposed to do something” on Saturday. By putting a lot of pressure on him and pouting about it for most of the week, Carter finally talked Nick into going with him. He realized Nick was more involved with this other boy than he’d thought. The situation was intolerable. Carter made up his mind to do whatever it took to put Nick’s focus back on him.
When they were younger, they’d gone to the Tennessee mountains, camping on several occasions with their parents. Only a four-hour drive away, the Smoky Mountains National Park was a perfect place to camp. Lush and green, the landscape was gorgeous and the weather that weekend was perfect. They arrived at the camp site late in the afternoon. Carter went to work right away, picking out a good site to put up the small tent. Close to a nearby stream, it was some thirty feet away from the other tents in the park’s camping area and if Nick wondered why he put it up so far away, he didn’t say anything, just quietly moved his gear inside the tent.
A couple of times during the evening around the campfire, Carter sensed Nick’s eyes on him, studying him carefully. When he returned his regard, he half expected Nick to drop his gaze, but he didn’t. Instead, he met his eyes and smiled shyly at him. Once, their hands met when they were both adding wood to the fire, and Carter could have sworn a spark leaped between them and physically jolted him.
That night, they sat for a long time by the fire, long after the other campers had gone to their tents. They weren’t saying much of anything, only sitting companionably, talking about nothing in particular, in the way of old friends. Nick looked at Carter with an odd expression in his eyes. One that made butterflies in Carter’s stomach. Uneasy, Carter got to his feet, stretching and said, “We’d better get to sleep. If you still want to go hiking in the morning.”
Nick nodded and started banking the fire while Carter pulled off his jeans and crawled into the tent, stowing his jeans in his bag. It was so warm Carter decided not to get into his sleeping bag right away, instead lying on his back on top of it. He saw Nick crawl in beside him and lie on his back next to him. Carter was hyper aware of Nick lying only inches away, breathing the same air, the air that seemed to be charged with something like electricity.
