Holden sighed, and I watched his breath puff out in a chilly cloud.
“Where have you been, Valerie?” He squeezed my hand almost painfully, and I knew it was meant to mirror the pain inside him. “When I couldn’t find you after the battle, I thought…” He trailed off and shook his head. “But then Chase and Jay were gone, too, and I hoped you were all somehow together, that they were protecting you. Please tell me they’re not—”
“No,” I said, interjecting quickly. I didn’t want to put him through the pain of asking. “No, they’re not dead. You were right, they followed me in hopes of protecting me.”
“Followed you?” he asked as we picked our way around fallen and low-hanging limbs. “Where were you going?”
“Wherever Elise told me to go.”
“You mean your cousin Elise? The one who disappeared after high school?”
I stopped walking. We were out of eyesight of his house by then, at least.
“That’s the one,” I said. “She didn’t disappear, though. She joined some super-secret spy network, and she knows a hell of a lot more about what’s going on than any of us.” I shook my head slowly and narrowed my eyes. “Cade seemed to know that about her. Why did he know, but you didn’t?”
Holden thought for a second before shaking his head.
“I don’t know. His dad was the leader of the leaders. Maybe he had special security or intelligence set up that the rest of us didn’t know about?”
I scoffed. “It’s possible. Sounds like something a Landston would do.”
That was too broad of a generalization, and I regretted it as soon as I said it. I would probably never feel empathy for Cade’s parents, but he and his brother Xavier were another story. They were different somehow. I liked them and cared about them…for some reason.
Staring into my eyes, Holden smiled faintly.
“He hurt you, didn’t he? His decisions and actions, the way he changed…”
I rolled my baby blues and looked away. Of course it hurt—way more than it ever should have. In one lethal stroke he broke my heart, cut himself off from me, declared war against my family, and turned into a dark, vengeful stranger, a broken shadow of his old self. I couldn’t entirely blame him—my grandfather had killed his mother, after all, and in front of everyone, too. It was in the name of justice, of course, but obviously Cade didn’t see it that way.
I sighed. I didn’t want to be discussing it with Holden, not right then, not ever. Holden didn’t deserve to be second best, least of all to Cade Landston, and yet…he was. Cade was everything I’d wanted for the past six years.
I nodded. “Yes, it hurts—hurt. Is he…okay?”
I hoped he’d hear the unspoken ‘dead’ so I didn’t have to vocalize it. It was too gut-wrenching to even fathom.
“I don’t know,” Holden said, shaking his head. “I haven’t seen him since that day.”
I shook my head, too, quicker though. “I don’t want to talk about that right now. Tell me more about what’s going on here.”
He let out a pressurized breath, puffing his cheeks as he did so.
“Well, after everything was said and done, we’d lost about a quarter of those who fought. That only includes the people we found, and only those from our side.” He crossed his arms slowly, hesitantly. “I know you didn’t ask, but…we lost people we cared about that day, Val.”
His gaze was on me, but I stared straight ahead. Apparently he too had a knack for making me feel like an asshole. Maybe it was his father rubbing off on him, or maybe it was just my guilt rubbing it in. Regardless, I willed the water in me to keep my tears from falling.
“Who?” I asked. I didn’t want to know, but I needed to. My mind was already reciting names, stabbing my throat like a hot iron with each passing face.
Holden’s bottom lip quivered, as did his voice.
“Charlene.”
A weak, whispery, “No,” was all I could muster as my hand flew up to my mouth. I suddenly felt numb; shock coated my skin like a film—no, not like a film, like ice. Ice was literally coating my skin, but I was just too pained to care.
Charlene Lowery? The girl who defended me from Loren’s harassment? The girl who befriended me when I had no one else? The girl who was always there, steadfast and reliable? Dead?
It couldn’t be real.
The potential of losing friends and loved ones had loomed heavy over my head for months, but upon returning to Center Allegheny and finding it so peaceful and whole, I had been tricked into thinking everything was still fine, as if the battle that had stolen Charlene’s life was simply chalk on a blackboard, one swipe away from never happening at all, just dust on an eraser—but that was a lie. Such a cruel, cruel trick.
Tears began pooling at the edges of my eyelids and I remembered that I was being too careless with my water element, not necessarily because it was revealing my emotions, but because it slowly fanned out around me. It had almost gotten far enough to glue Holden’s feet to the frosty ground.
At my will, the water came skittering back, but disappointment still swirled through me. I’d lost control. I should have reined it in as soon as I felt it slipping out, but I’d let the sadness take hold and immobilize me—a stupid mistake. I hadn’t endured months of grueling training just to fall prey to old habits of weakness. I needed to get it together.
Holden jammed his thumb and forefinger into his eyes to dam up his own unwanted tears. A strangled sound crawled from his throat and I instinctively rushed over to him, wrapping him tightly in my arms.
“Are you okay?”
He shook his head. “There’s more.”
“More people?” I asked.
This time he nodded, lips curling into a painful pout. “My mother.”
Oh god, not this…
I knew all too well what it felt like to lose a mother; the loss was all-encompassing and indescribable.
I wanted to help him. It wouldn’t work, I knew, but I had to try. We could mourn her loss together, and I would be strong for him. It would be okay somehow.
He sucked in a drowning breath as he smothered his face in my shoulder.
“Uncle Marco and Aunt Philippa, too.” The sob that racked his body vibrated into mine.
My chest heaved, my throat clenched tight. The tears were getting hard to hold back again.
“Oh Holden, I’m so sorry. I know it doesn’t really help, but for what it’s worth, I understand your pain. Truly, I do.”
Poor Sienna, too… She and Holden were cousins, which meant they shared the same heavy weight of familial loss, bore matching wounds of grief. Marco and Philippa were Sienna’s parents. Ann was Holden’s mother. Now they were all dead.
“How is Sienna?”
He sniffed and pulled away from me. The pink in his glassy eyes and the blotchiness that circled them made him look more vulnerable than I’d ever seen.
“Not good,” he said. “But she’s Sienna, so she’s doing a good job of not letting it show.”
“Ever the hardass,” I muttered with a faint smile. There was sarcasm there, but it fell flat. I couldn’t bring myself to feel anything but numb.
He licked his lips and rubbed his eyes one last time.
“Apparently I’m the only non-hardass around here these days. And I used to do so well…” He laughed, but then shuddered a gasp as the tears fought to well up again.
I smiled and ran my hands up and down his forearms.
“Hey, you’re doing the best you can with what you’ve got, Holden. You can’t always have it all together, especially not now.”
“You seem to.” He pulled away from me and started pacing.
It pained me to reply, so I practically whispered, “Because I didn’t recently suffer the kind of loss you’re feeling…” I didn’t think he even heard me.
“It’s just been…so crazy. I mean, the battle came out of nowhere…”
His words began streaming freely then, and I could tell it had been practically killing hi
m to hold them in. He needed to vent, and I didn’t think he’d had any sort of outlet before my return. I could do that for him; I could be his bull’s-eye if he needed to throw some darts.
“No one really knew which side to be on,” he continued. “It felt like it lasted a solid year, and yet, when I blinked it was over. I blinked, and so many people were dead. I’ve never seen anything like it…all the blood and bodies, the wailing and agony, the brutality and destruction…I wasn’t ready for it. I was used to threats and insults, not actual killing.”
His eyes widened then he dazedly shook his head, running his hands haphazardly through his perfectly styled hair.
“And then with the exposure of Elementals came the politics. Oh, the damn politics! I didn’t have a single spare minute to process anything that had happened because I was immediately thrust headfirst into my father’s campaign, trying to convince the humans—whom we’ve peacefully lived amongst for centuries—that we were still friendly and safe!”
He continued pacing, staring into himself as his eyes focused on nothing around us.
“And you were gone. I just kept telling myself you were fine, wherever you were, that you weren’t dead, that fate couldn’t possibly be that cruel, but after the first couple months I just…lost hope. I couldn’t hold on to it anymore. It was too heavy. There was too much shit piling up inside and burying me, suffocating me. It was easier to just be…empty.”
His pacing finally faltered and his face fell. The sadness in his eyes had my chest aching all over again. I didn’t know how to be what he needed me to be. I didn’t know how to fix what was lost. I buckled under the pressure of wanting to be the perfect girlfriend for him, stifled by an immense panic that made me itch to run. I wanted to love him back, but it just wasn’t there.
Cade’s face immediately came to mind, and fire bloomed in my cheeks.
If there was ever anyone I loved…, I thought longingly, but I pushed his image away.
It wasn’t the time, not when Holden was still arresting me with that pleading stare. I opened my mouth, unsure of what to say, but no words came out.
Then his cellphone rang.
He fished it from his khakis and stared at the screen, sighing before shooting me a regretful glance.
“I have to take this.”
“It’s okay,” I whispered, then cleared my throat. “My time’s up, anyway.”
“What do you mean?” he asked me just before he answered the phone. “Holden Michaels, please hold a moment.” He covered the microphone. “Val, what do you mean your time’s up? Where are you going? When can I see you again?”
“I don’t know when,” I said, and I honestly didn’t.
There was shouting from the other end of the phone and Holden winced.
“Call me,” he mouthed before directing his attention back to his cell. “Yes, I’m here. I’m sorry about that. No, no sir, I understand.”
As Holden wandered off back toward his house, probably immersed in political facts and figures, I was struck with the strangest sensation of déjà vu. Apparently it was standard procedure for the guys I liked to leave me abandoned in the woods. What a glorious insight into my unusual love life.
I probably deserved that, too, though.
The crunching of footsteps in the snow interrupted my thoughts, and I immediately ducked down and peered through the trees. Thankfully, it was only Jay. I exhaled rather loudly and stood back up.
“You scared the shit out of me.”
He looked like a brooding angel, framed in a single ray of light that had broken free from the clouds. I smiled a bit, though he was still too far away to really see it.
Then my heart started hammering.
He wasn’t alone.
Chapter Four
“Sienna!”
I ran headlong into her, almost knocking us both into the snow as I wrapped her tightly in a smothering hug.
“Oh my god, Sienna!” I shouted. “I’ve missed you! I’m so sorry about what happened… Are you okay? How are you dealing?”
I wanted to ask her more questions, but I cut myself off to allow her time to process the initial onslaught.
“I’m okay.” She squeezed me a bit tighter then pulled away. “It’s so good to see you.”
She was still as beautiful as ever with her black hair, straight and silky, and gray eyes, soft and alluring. She looked like a feminine version of Holden, but with much more attitude and a tan complexion.
There was a dullness in her tone that unfortunately spoke more truth about her emotional state than her words did.
“No worries,” she added. “I’m dealing just fine.”
To further illustrate her point, she forced a halfhearted smile.
I forced a smile of my own, not wanting to push her too far, and then I glanced at Jay. “Are you okay? I heard about Charlene…”
He nodded, face blank.
Nothing I could say would make any difference, but it still felt important to say something. I took a deep breath and held it for a moment, stupidly waiting on inspirational words that simply refused to come.
“I just want you to know…I’m here for you—both of you.”
“Thanks,” Jay said, his voice gravelly but level.
Sienna just shook her head. “No sympathy needed, Val. Honestly, I’m fine.”
Hardass.
I sighed, reluctantly dropping the subject, and put my hands on my hips.
“So now what?” I said to Jay. “We’re late meeting up with Elise and Chase, aren’t we?”
“We are,” he agreed.
Sienna groaned. “Chase? You mean, my ex-boyfriend Chase?”
“That’s the one,” Jay said, nodding in the direction we needed to travel before taking the lead.
“You coming?” I asked Sienna over my shoulder.
She shrugged, and we started walking.
“I guess I don’t really have much else to do,” she said. “Holden isn’t supposed to be off work until eight—nine, if I know Uncle Curwen.”
“You’re meeting up with Holden later?” I asked, curiosity suddenly overtaking me. Immediately, I felt like I’d asked too quickly. I sounded anxious or desperate; neither was true.
“Yeah, we’ve gotten pretty close since the incident—that’s what we’re calling it, ‘the incident’ that completely fucked over life as we know it.”
I might’ve laughed if it weren’t so painfully true.
“So you two have been hanging out a lot?”
“Yep.” She nodded. “It’s kinda nice to have some family still around…”
My heart sank. “Right. Of course.”
Sienna continued on as if she hadn’t just sliced open a recent wound.
“Anyway, we usually just go to Billy’s Bass Box.”
“What’s that?”
“A small nightclub in the basement of Billy’s Bar & Burgers.”
“What?” I said, nearly shouting. “I never knew Billy’s had a club underneath.”
“It didn’t used to. It opened up when people started noticing how cagey we Elementals were getting. I think they worried if we didn’t have some sort of an outlet, we’d snap and lose our shit.”
“Again,” I added with a grin.
“Yeah, they didn’t want another incident occurring,” Sienna said with a chuckle. “So you wanna come with us tonight?”
I hesitated. I wasn’t sure what Elise would say about it, because I wasn’t sure what she or Chase had found out about the new Center Allegheny. Of course, Sienna and Holden and countless others had been going about their daily lives here for months now. If something was seriously awry, I doubted they’d have stayed…unless they were being forced to stay, but I couldn’t really imagine them intentionally dragging me into a mess like that. Then again, Elementals had died because of me. My family had killed their family. Did they blame me for it? Was this all an elaborate plan to get to me…?
Was I clinically insane? Damn, my imagination needed to take a brea
ther.
The fact of the matter was this: one, my friends would never do that to me, and two, Elise was neither my mother nor my keeper. I was technically an adult now, living in the middle of political anarchy—I kinda didn’t have to listen to anyone.
So…did I want to go with them to The Bass Box?
“Yeah,” I said. “I think that’d be really cool. Thanks for the invite. Mind if Jay tags along?”
He whipped his head around and gave me a puzzled look.
“Yeah, you,” I said with a grin.
Sienna smiled too. “I think he’d better come, otherwise I’m gonna be a square third wheel.”
Jay sniffed out an almost-chuckle. “So what would that make us if I did tag along—two square wheels? That’s still not very helpful.”
“Maybe not, but at least we won’t be alone, right?”
“Right…” He shook his head good-humoredly.
I took that as confirmation that he was coming with us.
When we ended up where we were supposed to be, Elise and Chase were waiting, leaning on separate trees in the exact spot we’d all dispersed from a couple hours previously. They were probably pissed we were late, but right then, they seemed more concerned about our new company.
Elise’s face was stony and unreadable, not angry, but certainly not welcoming.
“Who’s this?” she asked, arms crossed, eyeing the new girl cautiously.
“That’s my ex-girlfriend,” Chase said. “Sienna Aeris.”
I couldn’t tell if he seemed irked to see her or if he was genuinely indifferent, but he certainly didn’t seem very happy.
Elise merely cocked a brow. “What’s she doing here?”
“Regardless of what I’m doing, I am here,” Sienna interjected with an eye roll and a hand on her hip. “You can speak to me rather than about me.”
“I could…” Elise mused, letting the rest of the sentence die on the breeze. She then changed the subject, as if discussing Sienna was no longer of any interest to her. “What did you guys discover while you were out?”
Jay took a deep breath and blew it out rather loudly, like he was gathering courage from the air. I didn’t know if something like that might literally be possible, but he wasn’t a Wind Elemental, so it was irrelevant. I hoped he found some courage, anyway.
The Essential Elements: Boxed Set Page 33
