“I have no doubt that you do,” I tell her, trying my damnedest not to grin at her. I can’t help it. It makes me feel good knowing B has such amazing friends in her corner. Friends who have no problem issuing a death threat should I do something to deserve it.
“And don’t you forget it.” She pushes backward and turns, swimming to the corner of the pool where Mary and Blakely are still huddled together on the lounge chairs. “Are you bitches getting in or what?” I hear her say, watching both women turn wide eyes on their friend. I have to suppress a laugh at the look on B’s face. Meanwhile, Mary looks more than a little amused.
Mary turns and says something to Blakely but I can’t hear what she’s saying from where I’m floating on the other side of the pool.
Blakely nods and pushes to a stand, finishing off her drink in one long pull before setting the empty cup next to her chair. She grabs the hem of her solid black cover up, and I watch, sucking in a hard breath as she starts to tug it upward. And I damn near fall right off this turtle when the cover up disappears and I’m left staring at Blakely in a tiny pale yellow bikini.
My eyes trace the length of her petite frame. Even though I spent years memorizing every inch of her body, it somehow still feels like I’m looking at it for the very first time. She’s even more beautiful than I remember.
My entire body goes tight and I have to look away in hopes of composing myself before someone notices my reaction. Not that I really give a shit. I just don’t want to give Blakely any reason to run from me, which is what she spent the first couple weeks after I got back doing- running from me. It was like pulling teeth just to get her to look at me.
The last thing I want to do is put too much on her too fast. Well, truthfully, I want to lay it all on her. I want to shake her until she opens her eyes and sees it’s me – the same boy she fell in love with all those years ago. The one who still loves her like a single day hasn’t passed since I first uttered those words to her. But I know that will only push her further away. I hurt her in a way I don’t think even I fully understood until recently. And in doing so it’s going to take me time to win back her trust. But I’m determined to do that. Hopefully before it’s too late...
When I finally chance a look back in the direction of the girls, all three are in the water. Blakely dips under and quickly reemerges, her gaze locking with mine. A slow smile spreads across her face and then she’s moving toward me, closing the distance between us.
“Comfortable?” She stops a couple of feet from me, treading the water to keep herself afloat. Considering we’re in the deep end, I’d say the water is easily two feet over her head.
“Very. Me and Turdy here are bonding.”
“Turdy?” She cocks a brow, biting back a laugh.
“Turdy,” I confirm. “Turdy the Turtle.”
“Of course you named the damn thing.” She splashes playfully at me.
“Is there something wrong with that?” I grin.
“You used to always name everything when we were younger. Rocks, trees, cars, just about anything you could slap a name on.”
“Guess some things never change.” I shrug.
“Guess not.” Her smile slips slightly.
“Why don’t you hop up here and give her a try?” I offer, extending my hand.
“So it’s a girl turtle,” she quips. “Good to know.” She hesitates before reaching out and taking my hand, allowing me to pull her toward the raft.
“Grab the handle here,” I direct her, waiting until she does what I say before continuing. “Now hoist your leg over her backend.” I chuckle when she attempts it and fails miserably, slipping right back off the turtle without getting a grip on it.
“How about instead of laughing you actually help me?” she suggests, giving me a playfully evil glare.
“Fine.” I smile, pressing up onto my elbows to get more leverage. “Try again and this time I’ll try to pull you up.”
“Okay.” She tightens her grip on my hand, her other wrapped around the handle as she once again attempts to slide up onto the raft.
I give her a strong tug, practically pulling her onto the turtle, but in doing so, I shift the balance to one side and before I know what’s happened we both end up under water.
I pop up seconds later to find Turdy floating upside down next to me. Blakely takes longer to come up, but once she does, she emerges right in front of me.
“I’d say that was a fail.” She giggles, so close that I can smell the sweet drink on her breath. It takes every ounce of will power I can muster not to lean forward and press my lips to hers.
My gaze drops to her mouth and for a brief moment I think there’s no way I’m going to be able to stop myself.
“Yeah,” I agree, forcing my eyes back up to hers. “I think you may have injured Turdy.”
“Me?” She slaps at my shoulder. “You’re the one who threw me on top of her like I was a sack of potatoes.”
“I think you should say you’re sorry,” I tell her, grabbing the hind leg of the turtle before it can float away.
“Oh my god.” She laughs at me, swimming to my left to help me flip the float back over. Once we have her back on her stomach, she swims to the other side and grabs the turtles face in her hands. “I’m sorry, Turdy. I’m sorry you put your trust in a man that would flip you over like you meant nothing.” She pins her eyes on me, the playfulness of the moment faltering for a brief moment before she turns back to the turtle and lays a loud kiss right on its face. “There. All better.” She laughs, sticking her tongue out at me.
“You know, I flipped over too,” I tell her, closing the distance between us. “Do I get a kiss to make it better?” I keep swimming toward her while she pedals backward. As luck would have it, we’re close enough to the edge that she doesn’t make it far before she finds herself pinned between me and the edge of the pool, the turtle pretty much blocking us from everyone’s view.
“You wish.” She holds her hand up to keep me from pressing into her.
“Somehow that seems unfair.” I grin.
“Considering it was your fault we flipped, I think not,” she teases but it isn’t enough to hide the nervousness in her voice.
“What’s wrong, B? You seem nervous.” I brace my hands on the edge of the pool on either side of her head.
“Asher,” she warns when I dip my face closer.
“Relax,” I whisper, so close that our noses are almost touching. “I promised I wouldn’t kiss you until you asked me to,” I remind her, my gaze locked on hers.
“I’m not going to ask you,” she sputters out, her tone unconvincing.
“You sure?” I lean in, running my nose up her jawline and along her cheek, breathing in her sweet scent as I do.
Every thought I had earlier about not pushing her limits goes right out the window. I can’t help it. I crave her to the point that it’s physically painful.
“Asher,” she pleads, her hands sliding up my chest seconds before she attempts to push me away.
She puts barely enough force behind it to move me, but the look on her face has me letting go of the wall and gently floating backward.
Before I can say or do anything, she turns, grabbing the ladder to her left. Pulling herself up, she quickly climbs out without a word. Swimming in the direction she heads, I push up on the edge of the pool and hoist myself out, closing in on her before she reaches her chair.
She avoids my gaze as she grabs her cover up and slides it over her head.
“B.” I reach out and touch her forearm, causing her to jump.
“Just don’t.” She shakes her head, the emotion in her eyes undeniable.
Turning, she walks to the other end of the pool where Mary and Allison and two others are lounging against the wall.
I manage to slip my shoes and shirt on as I follow closely behind her.
“I’m gonna head home,” she tells them as soon as she reaches where they’re at, wringing the excess water from her hair.
; “Everything okay?” Mary straightens, her gaze going to me and then back to Blakely.
“Yeah. I’m just tired.” She smiles but I can tell it’s forced.
“You want me to walk you?” Allie speaks up, her words slurred.
“No.” B shakes her head. “You two stay, have fun. I’ll text when I’m home.”
“Okay,” Mary says hesitantly, clearly sensing something is up and not sure what she should do.
“I’ll walk her,” I speak up.
“No, you don’t have to.” Blakely glares at me and it’s pretty evident me walking her is the last thing she wants.
Clearly my little game in the pool struck a nerve and now she’s trying to shut me out. I pretend not to notice.
“B, it’s dark. You’re not walking home by yourself.”
“I’m pretty sure I can manage.”
“Be that as it may, I’m walking with you,” I state, leaving no room for argument.
“Love you,” she says to Allie and Mary who both return the sentiment seconds before Blakely spins on her heel and exits the pool area.
I throw up a wave to the two girls before jogging after her.
“Blakely, wait up,” I call from behind her, catching her easily.
“Seriously, Asher. Just go back to the pool.”
“I don’t want to go back to the pool,” I argue. “I want to talk. What did I do?”
“You know what you did.” She quickens her stride.
“Clearly I don’t or I wouldn’t be asking,” I say, even though I have a pretty good idea.
“Is this some sort of game to you?” She turns toward me, stopping so abruptly I end up passing her and have to spin back around.
“What?”
“This.” She gestures between the two of us. “Is this some kind of game to you? Mess with my emotions. See how riled up you can get me.”
“That’s not what I was doing.”
“No?” She cocks her head to the side, anger in her eyes. “Because that’s what it feels like.”
“This isn’t a game to me,” I reiterate.
“I’m so stupid.” She throws her hands up in frustration. “When you said you wanted to be friends I actually believed you.”
“I do want to be friends.”
“Really? Because your behavior in the pool says otherwise. It’s like you’re purposely testing me, trying to see how far you can push before I give.”
“That’s not what I’m doing. I can’t help that I want to be close to you. That I want to touch you. That I want to kiss you. Because I do, B. Fuck me, it’s all I want to do. But you’ve made it clear that I can’t, so I’m trying. I’m trying not to, but when you look at me, when you smile, when you swim up to me in a barely there bikini, I forget. I forget I can’t have those things. I forget that you’re not mine. Because in my mind, B, you are still mine. You always will be.”
“Do you have any idea how hard this is for me?” she bursts, tears building behind her eyes. “Do you have any idea how much I want those things too?”
It’s the first time she’s actually admitted this out loud to me and I don’t overlook the significance of the moment. It means that not all is lost.
“You can have them. All of them,” I tell her.
“No I can’t,” she screams. “You left, Asher. You left and I stayed behind. And then I met Tyler and he made me happy when I didn’t think I’d ever be able to be happy again. I can’t walk away from that because after six years you’ve had a change of heart and decided you want me now.”
“I’ve always wanted you.”
“Actions and words, Asher,” she cuts me off and I can tell I’m losing her. I feel it down to my core as I’m hit with a panic I don’t think I’ve ever felt before. “I can’t do this anymore.” Her words pound into me like a sledgehammer to the chest.
“Please, B,” I plead. “I can’t lose you again.”
“You didn’t lose me, Asher. You left me. There’s a big difference.”
“I need you in my life.”
“I tried. I just don’t think I can. It’s too hard.” She shakes her head, swiping at a stray tear that breaks free and streaks down her cheek.
“Please.” I reach for her but she steps out of my grasp. “Give me another chance. Let me show you that I am capable of being your friend.”
“Asher.” She lets out a defeated breath, pushing her wet hair over her shoulder.
“Just please still come to the lake with me Sunday. I’ll pack some food. We can spend the day on the beach. I just want to talk to you. I want to know everything I’ve missed. I want to be near you. I told you before I’ll take you any way I can get you. Even if that is only as friends.” I’m saying what I know she wants to hear but not what I know myself to be capable of.
I know it’s not fair to mislead her. There’s no way I can ever be just her friend, but I also can’t roll over and give up. Not when it comes to something as important as B.
“I don’t know, Asher. I don’t think it’s a good idea.” She shuffles her weight from one foot to the other.
“Just give me this one day. If after Sunday you never want to see me again then I will walk away and I will never bother you again.”
I can tell by her reaction that she doesn’t want that any more than I do even though she would never admit it out loud.
“One day,” she concedes. “But I swear to god, Asher,” she starts, but I quickly cut in.
“I’ll be on my best behavior.” I trace an X over my heart with my finger.
Her expression softens and the smallest trace of a smile graces her lips.
“Fine.” She turns, taking off up the hill.
I quickly move to follow her, making sure to keep a good amount of distance between us when I reach her.
It only takes us five minutes to reach the condo that Blakely shares with Tyler. As much as the thought sickens me, I don’t voice a single word of it out loud. Instead, I offer her a warm smile and tell her I’ll pick her up at nine on Sunday morning before watching her disappear inside the building.
I don’t go back to the motel after that. Instead, I spend the next two hours roaming the streets of Tomlin, remembering Blakely. What we had, the memories we made on nearly every corner of this small country town. I think about the girl I left and about the woman I came home to. I think about the future. One with her in it and one without.
Under the dim lights of Main Street I swear to myself and silently to her, that if she chooses him I won’t stand in the way of their happiness. As much as it will hurt, as much as it will gut me from the inside out, I can take the pain as long as I know it’s what she truly wants.
Even if it kills me, this time I’ll put her first. Something I should have done a very long time ago.
Chapter Nineteen
Blakely
My stomach is a ball of nervous energy as I slide into the Roadrunner next to Asher. I’ve talked myself out of going to the beach today at least a hundred times, yet when he pulled up outside of my parents’ house I couldn’t deny the excitement that swirled through my body at the sight of him.
“Morning.” He gives me an easy smile. One that reminds me of happier times- when spending time with Asher didn’t come with a cloud of guilt hanging over my head.
“Good morning.” I set my beach bag at my feet before sliding the seatbelt across my lap and latching it into place.
“You ready?”
“Yep.” I let out a slow breath, still not sure that I’m up for this.
Ever since Asher came back to town it’s like everyone has been waiting to see what I’ll do. But my future is with Tyler. I know that.
But even I can’t deny the way my hand aches to reach out and hold his. Or how impossible it feels to keep my eyes trained on the road as he pulls out of the driveway when all I really want to do is look at him.
I want to believe him when he says we can be friends, because I can’t stomach the thought of losing him again. But deep down I k
now I’m playing with fire. Every step I take in his direction, every time I choose to spend time with him, is only taking me further down the rabbit hole. A hole I will eventually have to dig my way out of if I want any hope of making things work with Tyler.
“You’re awfully quiet today,” Asher observes after several minutes.
“Just thinking,” I admit.
“What are you thinking about?” I feel his eyes slide to me but I keep my gaze forward.
“Just things.” I shrug.
“You’re going to have to do better than that, B. What kind of things?”
“Tyler is supposed to be home tonight.” I knot my fingers together in my lap, trying to keep myself from fidgeting.
“Okay,” Asher draws out, waiting for me to make a point.
“I’m going to tell him that I’ve been spending time with you.” I chance a look in his direction but his expression is unreadable.
“I didn’t realize he didn’t know. I’m guessing you think he’s not going to be happy about it?”
“If I was your fiancé, would you be happy about me spending time with my ex?”
“If you were my fiancé, it wouldn’t be a factor.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I cross my arms in front of my chest and shift inward so that I have him in my direct line of sight.
“Never mind.” He shakes his head, clearly rethinking where he was going with the statement.
“You’ve already said it. Don’t puss out on me now. Tell me what you meant.”
“It’s just, I think if we were together you’d only want to be with me, therefore you wouldn’t have the time or the interest in spending your days with another man.”
“Is that some kind of dig at my relationship?” I try not to get offended, but it’s hard not to.
“Not at all.”
Love Me Like You Won't Let Go Page 13
