by K. A. Berg
“That’s it?” Ma asks, sounding appalled.
I can’t say I disagree with her.
“There was a chance he could’ve gotten less time with a trial. This was also to prevent Ashley from ever having to set foot in a courtroom to relive that night,” he explains.
“Well thank goodness for that, but it still doesn’t seem like enough. That man killed my grandson,” Ma points out as if we all hadn’t already known.
“Margaret,” my father chides.
“Sorry, sweetie,” she says as she rubs my arm.
“It’s okay, Ma,” I say before returning my attention to the detective. “Was Ashley okay with the plea bargain?”
“She was once I explain it saved her from court,” he says.
“Okay, then. Thank you,” I say, offering my hand to him again.
“My pleasure,” he says, taking my hand. “If it were up to me, people like him would never see the light of day again.”
I nod, watching him walk off down the hallway. My sentiments exactly.
“Tanner,” Ma says. “You’re allowed to feel, too. Ashley isn’t the only one who lost him. You can’t keep everything all bottled up. Make sure you take time to grieve.”
“I know,” I say, even though I don’t agree.
“Okay, well, we’d better get going. You call us if you need anything,” Dad says, wrapping his arm around my shoulders and giving me a squeeze.
“Yes, I will. Thanks guys.” I smile grimly at their backs as they walk away.
“Oh, and honey,” Ma says, turning back to face me once more. “Melissa’s been trying to get in touch with you. She’s worried. You should give her a call.”
“Ma, don’t take any more of her calls. She’s not what she seems,” I say, my tone serious.
Ma furrows her brow. “What does that mean?”
“She went to Ashley’s and told her I wanted her to have an abortion,” I explain, my suppressed anger rising to the surface. I still haven’t decided how I want to deal with Melissa, but I will. Oh, I will…
“You’ve got to be kidding me!” Ma gasps.
I sigh, a feeling of sorrow washing over me. “I wish. Ashley spent the last two months thinking I wanted her to get rid of him.” I can’t help thinking if Ashley had just confronted me sooner about it, things could have turned out differently.
“No wonder Melissa kept asking about the baby.” Ma sighs. “I’m sorry, honey. I didn’t know.”
“It’s okay, Ma,” I say hugging her. “Just don’t take any more of her calls,”
“I won’t.” She nods and takes my father’s hand before they head off down the hall again.
I find my way back to the chair that practically has my ass-print permanently ingrained in it and wait. I’m not sure what I’m waiting for. In the silence, my mind goes blank, which I’m grateful for. It’s nice to hear nothing from time to time in the midst of all the chaos. II should probably get back to handling all the mundane details of my life, like dealing with Davis, but I’m not ready yet. Right now, I just want to sit in silence.
I’m not sure how long I’ve been enjoying my solitude when Quinn appears. Every time she comes out to talk to me, I hope it’s to tell me Ash has changed her mind and is asking for me, but that’s never the case.
“As long as everything stays the same through the night, they’re going to let her leave tomorrow,” she informs me.
I nod. Sensing there’s more coming. I ask, “And?”
“We need to start planning a service for Daniel,” she says sadly.
“Okay, whatever Ashley wants. I’ll take of everything,” I say.
“Okay, I’ll keep you posted,” she says before heading back into Ashley’s room.
Chapter Eighteen
Ashley
I try to avoid Tanner and his family the best I can, but with them making up about eighty percent of the people at Daniel’s funeral, it’s pretty hard. His parents are both here, along with two small families who I assume are his sisters’. There’s woman with her husband and daughter, and there’s another couple next to them with two older children. Alex is also a part of the group. Hell, the whole football team probably would have shown up if it wouldn’t have brought the paparazzi down on us like a swarm of locusts.
I just wish I could have a break from him and his guilt-fueled concern for me. I hate him and everything he reminds me of, and every time I have to look at him, all the pain comes flooding back.
The only people here for me are Quinn and some co-workers from the bar and the paper. I never bothered to tell my parents when I found out about the baby, so why tell them about losing him either? Quinn knew not to mention anything in front of them, and I’m sure she said as much to Alex and Tanner.
I suppose I’m lucky I’ve been in a painkiller coma since being discharged from the hospital earlier this week. Everything relating to this funeral has been a blur. When Quinn had told me Tanner said he’d cover anything I wanted for the service, I couldn’t be bothered to fight him on it. I vaguely remember being asked questions about burial plots and caskets and brunches and churches until I snapped and said I had enough, that whatever Quinn thought best was fine.
I still don’t want to deal with anything related to burying my precious baby boy in the cold, hard ground forever. Alone. Without me. If the world was a fair place, he’d be here with me… or I would at least be with him. I just don’t understand why we had to be separated when life seems meaningless without him.
The priest makes his way toward the front of the group, next to the hole that’s been dug for my son’s casket. I’m sadly relieved to see him take his place. It means I can get away from all these people without having to be rude—not that I really give a shit about being rude. This is my son’s funeral for Christ’s sake. I have no desire to speak to anyone, and I don’t want any condolences for a pain and loss most people will never understand.
I squeeze Quinn’s arm, hoping she’ll get the hint that I want to move closer. Since I can’t move well on my own, I need her help. She wraps her arm around me, and we maneuver me very slowly toward the grave. Thankfully, my broken arm and busted leg are on opposite sides, and I can use one crutch at least. I feel everyone’s eyes on me as I make my way forward, but I refuse to look up, concentrating on limping forward one leg at a time.
The only specific order I’d given Quinn was I didn’t want a huge production. I wanted everything done at one place. My body can’t handle all the traveling right now, and quite frankly, neither can my emotions. I’m grateful she was able to find it for me. There’s a chapel on the cemetery grounds, and it was big enough for Daniel’s mass. Mass and burial—that’s all I wanted, no get together after. It’s not as though people could sit around telling stories about him, what would the point be? There is no life to celebrate. Daniel never got a chance at life.
My eyes refuse to move from the small baby blue casket. I stare at it, not paying the slightest bit of attention to anything happening around me. The cold wind whistles, but the winter chill doesn’t register in my already numb body. The rain splatters on my shoes, but I don’t feel any wetness. The priest is speaking, but I can’t focus on the words. Sniffling and crying fill my ears, but I don’t look to see who’s shedding tears. Whispered prayers sound miles away, as though I’m in a bubble—a bubble of sorrow. My son is so close yet so far away. Never to come back. I feel a lone tear slide down my face.
I watch the line of people walk by Daniel’s casket, dropping flowers on top of it before exiting the cemetery. I make no move to follow them. I want to be the last one with my child after everyone has left. He’ll know, wherever he is, his mommy didn’t want to leave him.
How the hell am I supposed to leave? How am I supposed to turn my back on my son, my flesh and blood, and leave him all alone?
“Sweets?” Quinn asks, giving my arm a little squeeze.
“Hmm?” My eyes are still glued to Daniel’s final resting place.
“Ready to walk up
?”
I answer with a nod and adjust my crutch, readying myself to move forward. Good leg. Bad leg. Good leg. I repeat in my head until I reach Daniel. Quinn doesn’t rush me as I stand there, staring into the ground. I imagine him in that casket, his sweet little face, all alone. He shouldn’t be alone. He should still be nestled in his warm little home in my belly, not freezing out here.
Why? Why him?
I bring my hand to my lips and kiss my fingers before leaning over as far as I can to place my kiss on the casket. “I love you.” Straightening back up, I say, “I’m sorry.” Sorry I have to turn and walk away, leaving him here. “It should have been me.”
As Quinn helps me walk away, I look back over my shoulder, not acknowledging the tears trailing down her face. They do nothing to me. My emotions have been shut off, and that’s fine with me. I don’t want to feel anyway. I’d be happy to never feel anything again. There’s no joy left in my world, nothing good left in my life, what’s the point of feeling at all?
Chapter Nineteen
Tanner
During the service, I can’t take my eyes off of Ashley. It’s like looking at a robot. Not a single emotion plays across her face, and she doesn’t once notice me watching her like a hawk. I watch her every move. Having not seen her in five days, catching sight of her is like finding a single sip of water in the desert. It isn’t enough.
I want to be the one she leans on, her support system. There’s no reason why we shouldn’t be going through this together. He was our son. My son too. There’s nothing that can be done to change that. Yes, I have Alex and my parents, but they don’t understand how I feel. They don’t understand my pain. I need her too, dammit. Can’t she see that?
When it’s all over, my body instinctively moves in her direction, but Ma stops me.
“Come on, sweetie,” she says, her eyes rimmed with red and small smears of black from her makeup. “You’re not going to be able to get through to her today. She didn’t make eye contact with anyone. She needs time.”
“I need her.” I sigh, refusing to take my eyes off of Ashley as she stands with Quinn next to the grave, her lips moving soundlessly.
After a moment, Quinn helps her turn away from the hole in the ground, but before she’s taken a full step, Ashley looks back over her shoulder. I hear her say, “It should have been me.”
My heart cracks in two at those words. It shouldn’t have been either one of them. They both should have been in the warm Miami sunshine with me.
Watching Ashley shut down little by little is harder than I could have imagined. I understood when she shut me out after seeing Daniel’s “Certificate of Life.” I even understood when Quinn came to me to ask me to help plan the services because Ashley had wanted nothing to do with it. But seeing the emptiness in her eyes has me more than worried about her emotional stability. Despite the fact it’s been raining steadily all day, she hasn’t seemed to notice. Instead, she’s soaked through. Quinn has tried a few times to get her under an umbrella, like everyone else at the service, but she’s made no effort to get out of the rain or even wipe the moisture from her face. I’m not sure worried begins to cover how I feel about her well-being at this moment.
I follow my parents over to where our driver stands beside his Town Car, and we say goodbye to my sisters and their families. I tell Alex I’ll see him later and slide into the back seat beside my mom and dad, more than ready to head home. I can’t wait for this day to end. I can’t imagine anything is harder than burying your own child, but I don’t want to find out if that’s true. Nothing could really make this easier, but I honestly believe if Ashley and I had been a unit through it all, this nightmare could be slightly more bearable
I must really zone out because I don’t remember dropping off my parents or the subsequent drive to my house. I don’t even realize I’ve arrived home until the driver has come around the side of the car to open my door. Being out of it is fine by me, though.
This suit needs to go. On my walk to the door, I consider throwing it in the fire place since I’ll never wear it again. It will forever remind me of saying goodbye to my son. I probably sound like a psycho teenage girl debating on burning an outfit because it reminds her of an awful ex-boyfriend or a night out, but I don’t care. My eyes will be drawn to it every time I walk into my closet, reminding me of everything I lost that terrible night—not just my son, but Ashley too.
Once inside, I walk straight to the den and strip out of my suit, throwing it piece by piece into the fireplace—jacket, pants, shirt, tie. I never want to see any of it again. I turn on the fireplace and sit on the oversized ottoman in the middle of the room in nothing but my boxers and dress shoes, watching my clothes burn. I wish all my pain and sadness could burn away with them, that the weight I’ve been carrying around on my back would dissipate too. I wish I could turn back the hands of time, but I can’t, and none of my troubles are going to burn away with the charred remains of my clothes, so I decide to hit the shower.
Standing under the warm spray of the six built-in shower heads, I try to shake away the haunting vision of Ashley at the burial. Hollowed out, broken, dull—words I would’ve never thought to use to describe Ashley, but they’re accurate nonetheless. For the first time since the accident, I’m seriously wondering if there’s any way for her to come back from all the trauma.
She was always the bright light in my darkness. There was always an aura about her that made me want to be near her, but right now that light is very dim. There’s been so much tragedy, and the last thing I want to see her light swallowed up by it forever. She may not have died in the accident, but a part of her is gone, and it breaks my heart to see her living as a shell of her former self. It almost makes me glad she didn’t get the chance to see and hold Daniel. It was almost impossible for me to give him up, and I can only imagine it would’ve been a million times harder for Ashley.
After I fail at attempting to wash all my sins away during my hour-long shower, I throw on some sweats and head downstairs, thinking maybe some time in my gym can help me work through my feelings. I convince myself it’s a better choice than drinking, until I find Alex sitting at my kitchen table with a beer in his hand and an open one waiting for me next to him.
“How long have you been here?” I ask, sliding into the chair across from him and grabbing my beer. So, drinking it is.
“About half an hour. I was getting ready to check to make sure you didn’t drown in the massive oasis you’ve got up there,” he answers with a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes.
“It’s been a long day,” I offer in explanation of my lengthy shower.
Alex’s phone chirps and lights up on the table. After checking the message, he looks up at me and says, “Quinn.”
“How’s she doing?” I ask. “It was kind of hard to talk to her today.”
“As well as can be expected. She’s got a lot on her plate with helping Ash. You know how bad things are between Ash and her family, it puts everything on Quinn. She’s the only family Ash has right now, since Ash doesn’t want her mom anywhere near this whole thing.” I’m not surprised Ashley doesn’t want her mom involved. She was almost intolerable at the hospital. “She actually just asked me if I would swing by,” Alex says.
“Okay, go then. She could probably use someone,” I say sincerely. Quinn will definitely need someone to help, and there’s no way Ashley will let that person be me.
“Want to come?” he says, taking another sip of beer before going back to his phone. “I don’t think you should be alone either. You don’t need to suffer in silence.” He glances up from his phone with a concerned look on his face. He knows me too well.
Being alone is exactly my plan.
“It’s not a good idea for Ash and me to be in the same room. She doesn’t need anything else to set her off right now,” I say as I stand to toss my empty beer bottle in the trash. Damn, I downed it fast.
“Already checked with Quinn. Ashley took a bunch of meds, and she’
s out for the night. No reason we all can’t spend tonight together. You both need me, and I want to be there for the two of you.”
“Okay,” I say only to make the situation easier on him. I don’t want him to have to choose between being here for me and being there for Quinn.
Besides, Quinn wouldn’t lie. If she says Ash is out for the night, then she’s out for the night.
The drive over to Quinn and Ashley’s goes by more quickly than usual. I guess it must always seem that way when you don’t really want to reach your destination. There are many memories waiting for me within the walls of their condo, and most of my recent ones are bad—telling Ashley I didn’t believe her and ruining everything, asking her for forgiveness and having the door slammed in my face… Add to that all the wonderful memories I have there, and nothing great can possibly be in store for me there.
“Hey, angel,” Alex says enveloping Quinn in a hug when she opens the door.
Quinn’s hair is in a messy pile on top of her head, she has on no makeup, and she’s wearing sweats. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Quinn in attire this casual. She’s usually so put together, even while sitting vigil at a hospital bedside. This day has clearly taken a toll on her.
She wraps her arms around Alex’s midsection and burrows into his chest as if the answers to all her problems are buried in there. He guides her backward a step inside and squeezes her harder, allowing me in and giving me room to close the door. When she lifts her face from the crook of Alex’s neck, her eyes land on me, and she smiles sadly.
“How are you holding up, Tanner? I’m sure today was really rough for you.”
“It was. I’m dealing,” I don’t really want to focus on me. “How’s Ashley?” I ask as we all make our way into the living room and sit down on the couch.
