by K. A. Berg
He rubs circles on my back, trying to comfort me even though I don’t deserve it. “You have every right to blame me, Ashley. It’s my fault this happened. You don’t need to try to make me feel as though it’s okay. I know it’s not, and I’ll have to live with the fact my choices led to the death of our son,” he says, shame marring his beautiful face.
I feel my heart breaking. I’ve truly convinced him it’s his fault Daniel died.
“STOP!” I demand, rising from his lap. “This isn’t your fault. I’m so angry you’ve let me convince you otherwise. It’s not anyone’s fault but the asshole who’s now sitting in jail where he belongs.”
“How can you say that? You wouldn’t have even been there that night if I hadn’t been an asshole. You would’ve been in Miami with me, and there would’ve been no accident,” he says, crying.
This is the first time I’ve seen Tanner break down over the baby. I suppose I’ve never given him the chance to show any emotion in front of me when it comes to Daniel. I’ve always told him he didn’t have the right to grieve.
“Maybe not that night, but you don’t know for sure everything would have turned out fine. There’s a reason Daniel was taken from us. We might never understand what the reason is, but now I’d like to believe part of it was to bring us back together,” I say sincerely.
“You can’t even stand to be in the same room as me, Ashley. You hate me, and I don’t blame you. I don’t deserve you, and I never did. You don’t know how many times I wished it had been me in that car.” He lifts his head, leveling me with a hard stare from his red, tear-filled eyes. “I’d gladly have traded places if it meant you both were okay.”
“Stop it.” I can’t take hearing him say these sorts of things knowing how he’s been going through all this pain on his own while he blamed himself, while I blamed him.
“I would’ve walked out of your lives forever, no matter how much it hurt, if it meant he had survived with you.” He sobs, hanging his head.
His sobs ignite mine, but I know it’s time for me to hold him together just as he’s tried to do for me over these last few months.
“I need you to know that isn’t something I would’ve ever wanted. I know I’ve been nothing but a bitch to you since you apologized and tried to make things right, but I would never have traded one of you for the other. I love you both. Some things are just out of our control.” I wrap my arms around Tanner’s body, being the one to hold him for a change. All those hours of therapy are finally sinking in, and I see what everyone has been telling me about Tanner’s sincerity since the accident was correct, and I hate he’s been keeping this bottled inside for Lord knows how long thinking it’s his penance, thinking he needed to be strong for me.
“You love me?” he asks, pushing away to look up at me.
“Yes,” I nod.
He lets out a sardonic laugh. “How can you love me after everything I’ve done? You hate me.”
“I don’t hate you, Tanner. I hate what’s happened to us but not you. Even when I wanted to hate you, I couldn’t bring myself to actually do it.” I sigh. I never would’ve imagined it was possible for me to hurt this man the way I have.
“And people tell me I have a funny way of showing my love,” he says, chuckling cynically.
We sit there, my arms still wrapped around his frame, neither of us caring how much time passes until the tears finally start drying up.
“I honestly don’t know if I can believe you,” Tanner says, breaking the silence at last.
I lift my head from its resting place on his shoulder to look at him, a bit confused but mostly scared.
“We’ve been through so much. You’ve been through so much. How can we ever come back from all of this, Ashley?”
“We can. I know we can. I believe with every fiber of my being we can get past this,” I say, grabbing his chin, forcing him to make eye contact.
“How? You don’t trust me, and I don’t trust you. We’ve had this discussion before,” he says as though I could’ve forgotten that conversation.
I won’t give up just because he has doubts and he’s scared. I’m scared too. Hell, I’m petrified, but I can be the strong one right now. I can wade us through this mess. It takes a minute for me to figure out how to prove to him I love him, but there’s only one way Tanner and I have ever fully expressed our feelings in the past. Every monumental moment in our relationship has come after sex.
I know how I can show him…
Pushing from the couch, I stand in front of him. His eyes follow my every move as I take a few steps back and work myself out of my shirt. I wish I could make it more of a show, make it sexier, but the limited movement in one arm and the inability to fully support myself on one leg make for a boring strip tease. Even so, I’m really not too concerned with seduction. I have something else to focus on. I already know I can bring Tanner to his knees. I need him to see that I’m already on my knees, begging.
“What are you doing?” he asks, his voice wary.
“Shhh,” I say as I continue undressing. I unhook my bra and slide off before letting it fall to the floor.
Glancing at Tanner, I’m relieved to find him watching me, his eyes hooded with lust. It’s not only lust I see there though. A mixture of longing, disbelief, and a few other emotions swirl in his endless pools of emerald. Even though I’m not one hundred percent sure which emotions are there, the lust and longing are enough to fuel me, enough to fan this fire burning inside me.
I balance carefully as I guide my pants down my legs, thankful I’m only wearing leggings. Tanner must understand how hard the process of undressing is for me because despite his obvious apprehension, he rises from the couch and kneels in front of me to help me pull away the leggings pooled around my ankles.
Sliding my hands into his hair that’s much longer than he usually wears it, I tip his head up toward me and lean down to kiss his lips. “Thank you,” I whisper.
He gives me a simple nod as he rises back up to full height. I’ve always loved how he towers over my five feet three inches. It’s always made me feel safe, even when I didn’t want it to.
“What are you doing?” he asks again, his voice much huskier now.
“I do trust you, Tanner. I’m standing here completely stripped of everything. I’m standing here, scarred and bared, to prove to you you don’t have to be scared. I love you. I trust you. You were right—we do belong together. I have no doubt about it. I will never doubt you, or us, again,” I stare him in the eye, spine straight, with the utmost confidence.
It doesn’t escape me this is the first time Tanner is seeing just how much of a physical mark the accident has left on me—the scar just under my left breast from my chest tube, the long scar across my abdomen from my splenectomy, the scars on my arm and leg from my surgeries. I try to ignore the little voice in my head telling me I’m damaged now, and he couldn’t possibly look at me the same way he did before. Any thoughts of self-doubt fade when I see the tears well in Tanner’s eyes once more.
I step closer to him and reach out to wipe away the lone tear staining his cheek. I grab his hand and kiss his palm before saying, “Please don’t cry. It’s okay. I’m okay. I’m still here.” I bring his hand to the worse of the two scars, placing it there.
He runs his thumb along the jagged edge of it while tears stream down his handsome face.
“I never thought it was possible for you to become even more beautiful, but you are now. These scars are a reminder of what you’ve been through and just how much of a fighter—no, survivor—you are.” He slides both hands up to my neck, pulls my face toward him, and kisses me.
My lips mold to his with no hesitation whatsoever, trying to convey the torrent of feelings inside me through our kiss until I realize one kiss couldn’t possibly convey even a fraction of my emotions.
Reluctantly, I pull my lips from his and hold out my hand, not wanting this reunion to take place on his living room couch. He only hesitates for a second before slidin
g his hand into mine, still seeming slightly apprehensive. It’s funny how the tables have turned. I did this to him though. I made him so unsure of himself he can’t even accept the fact I love him. Granted, I’d never said those words to him until today…
Interlocking my fingers with his, I feel possessive and sure. Every single asinine thing I’ve said since he broke my heart all those months ago fades away. Nothing other than reconnecting in the way Tanner needs—we need—is important right now. Full of self-assurance, I guide him through the house to his bedroom.
I pull him toward the bed in the center of the room and then stand back, taking in the sight of him. The doubt on his face, the slump of his strong shoulders, and the defeat in his eyes—all are still present but have taken a backseat to the lust I’ve evoked in him. I reach up on my tiptoes as I did earlier on his front porch and press my lips against his, resuming what I started downstairs. He doesn’t take the lead like he used to. He just stands, his arms wrapping loosely around me, his pliant lips waiting for my next move.
Breaking away for the warmth of his mouth, I slide my hands up his abdominals and back down, rediscovering his wonderful body. I grasp the bottom of his navy blue t-shirt and pull it up his torso as far as I can before I need a little help. Tanner obliges by leaning down, making it easier for me to pull the garment off over his head.
Even though it should have been impossible, it’s as though I’d forgotten how beautiful the man in front of me is. From the square of his jaw to his thick thighs, everything is absolutely beautiful, a masterpiece to be cherished. I slowly drop to my knees, which with a not-fully-healed formerly-dislocated knee takes some time. I hear the anguish in Tanner’s voice as he says my name and tries to prevent my descent to the floor. I shake my head to let him know I’m okay.
Once settled on my knees, I lean forward kissing the muscled work of art in front of me. Raining kisses over every hard plane within reach, I slide my hand under the waistband of his black track pants and push them down with excruciating slowness. Once he’s completely naked, I fully take him in with my eyes before taking him in my mouth.
My eyes roll into the back of my head as if I were on the receiving end. My moan matches Tanner’s as we both relish the union of his cock and my mouth as though they’re long lost friends. I don’t hesitate to look up at him, and I’m not surprised to find him staring back at me. The storm of passion in his eyes does surprise me a little, but it’s the best kind of surprise I could ask for. Every past sexual encounter between us has been about the desire, passion, and the adventure we could find in it, but right now, it’s about nothing but love, and showing him the love I have for him.
I pull him to the back of my throat and then back out, using the hand guiding his thick shaft to cover what I can’t fit in my mouth. As much as I want to swallow him whole, that’s not what this is about. This is about giving all I have because I love this man, not because I have to prove anything to him. It’s unrestricted, no holds barred, everything left on the table, an encounter meant to leave Tanner with nothing to doubt.
Running my fingers along his thighs, I reach up to find his hands, gaining the support I need to pull myself up. Once settled on my feet, I walk him back the few steps to the bed and nudge him down. He sits on the end of the bed and pushes himself backward until he’s lying in the center, staring back at me in all my scared, naked glory.
Climbing onto the bed I straddle him, then lean forward to kiss his lips, his jaw, and his neck before getting to his ear, where I whisper, “I love you.”
He groans, and his cock twitches at my admission. His hands, which had been gripping my hips, are suddenly gliding their way up my sides until he hits my scar. He runs a finger back and forth over it in reverence as his eyes tell me exactly what he’s thinking and feeling.
I rock back and forth against his hardness, coating him with the wetness his emotional reactions have drawn from me. I don’t know what it says about me that I’m getting turned on by watching this man get emotional over my scars, but it stirs something in me. I rise up onto my knees, putting most of my body weight on my good leg as I align myself with Tanner’s rigid erection and sink down, taking him fully inside my body.
I moan, having forgotten how amazing it feels to be stretched to my limits by him. I give myself a minute to acclimate to his size again. I already have a difficult time walking, and I don’t need to add to my struggles.
“Christ,” Tanner hisses out after nearly a full minute held in that position. “Are you okay? I need you to move before I explode.”
Nodding, I roll my hips, letting out little moans every time his cock hits that sweet spot deep inside me. I can’t help but throw my head back and let the sensations take over. I continue to ride Tanner for a few minutes before dropping my head back to his chest and burying my face in his neck to kiss every spot I can get my lips on.
“You feel amazing,” I say. “Stretching me to the point of burning, filling me completely so there is no spot left untouched.” I know Tanner’s number one weakness is dirty talk, not that I would consider those words dirty talk, but I’m sure they will have the same effect on him and accomplish what I need them to.
My suspicions are confirmed when Tanner digs his fingers into my hips and thrusts up a little harder, a little deeper.
“Mmm… Yes, right there!” I cry out when Tanner finds the spot he’s been searching for. “Feels so good. I’m close.” I’m thankful I’m almost there because my knee can’t handle this position much longer.
“Ahh, me too.” He moans, picking up the pace even more as his hips ram upward over and over with enough force to bring me to the edge.
“Come, baby,” I order, turning the tables on him.
He’s always been the one to demand my orgasm, but hearing my words, his eyes light up with something I can’t decipher. I feel him grow impossibly hard before he pulls me down roughly as he comes. I feel the pulse of his cock as his orgasm rolls over him wave after wave. Watching him let go pushes me over the edge, and my body is racked with pure pleasure, a pleasure I haven’t had since the night I hate-fucked Tanner in the bathroom at the New Year’s party.
My body is completely spent, and my knee is screaming at me to move, but I just can’t find the motivation to remove myself from Tanner’s embrace. I don’t want to experience the feeling of loss that will come when he pulls himself out of my body. I have no idea if I was able to convey any of my feelings to him, and I have no idea if he’s going to kick me out of here as soon as we get up. I feel him stir under me, and panic starts to take over. My hands cling to him of their own volition, desperate to hold on to anything they can.
“It’s okay, baby.” He chuckles, kissing my head. “I know you can’t be comfortable like this. I just want to move you to give you room to stretch your leg.” He shifts under me, his cock falling from my body, which elicits a whine of protest from me. Tanner rolls us onto our side and pulls me flush against his chest.
I instinctually bury my face in the crook of his neck and inhale deeply. He smells like home. There has never been a scent more comforting. Ever. His hands run up and down my back in a loving way, giving me hope.
“I do love you,” I tell him. I need him to understand I truly do.
“I’m starting to see that.” He sighs into my hair.
“I don’t think I ever stopped. I needed to turn that love into hate because I was angry—angry at you at first and then just angry at the world. A hundred hours of therapy kicked in this morning, making me see everything I’ve been trying to avoid —you included. I can’t begin to apologize for all the terrible things I’ve done and said to you over the last six months. Nothing will ever make it okay.” I feel the tears coming back again, and I promise myself this will be the last time I cry over the time we’ve lost together.
“Shhh,” he whispers. “It’s not as though I didn’t play my part in this, Ashley. I’m just as culpable as you are.”
“I really want to kill that stupid
bitch friend of yours,” I say, my voice full of anger. “Most of this is her fault. Things probably would’ve never gotten this bad if she hadn’t planted those awful thoughts in my head.”
“I know. Trust me, I know. Why do you think I kicked her ass to the curb? I would’ve never asked you to do something like that. Although, as I’ve already told you, it hurts to know you could actually think so low of me. I know I was an ass, but I’d like to think you’d see through that crock of shit.” I hear the hurt in his voice, and I know my misjudgment is just another thing I have to try to make right.
“I know. I don’t know how I didn’t see it before… but no one likes a Monday morning quarterback, Tanner,” I say hoping to lighten the mood. It’s not as though we can fix everything all in one day. It’s going to take time.
My comment gets a laugh out of him before he says, “I think you misunderstood me earlier.”
My stomach drops. I push back from my warm spot against his chest to look at him, frightened that even after all we’ve just shared, he’s actually done with me.
“No, no, no,” he says, shaking his head. “I mean, when I said, ‘You did this.’”
I give him a perplexed look, having no idea what he’s talking about.
“I was referring to the press conference you gave earlier today. Davis called me and told me to turn on the TV because there was something on I might want to see.”
“Oh,” I say. “I’m sorry if that was going too far, but there was no way I was going to let that fucking twat ruin the foundation for you. I can’t believe they would actually think it was true. For a bunch of educated people, they’re really a bunch of idiots.”
“I can’t believe you did that for me. You were honestly the last person I’d ever have expected to speak up for me.”
No matter how true his statement is, it still hurts. This man who has done everything within his power to help me piece my life back together couldn’t allow himself to believe he could count on me.
