by Lilah Rivers
“I’m not sure,” her mother said, taking her leave to tend to something else.
Annie opened it and recognized the handwriting immediately. Her stomach turned, and she began to feel dizzy.
My Dearest Annie,
I cannot express what it felt like to see you again the other day. All I can think about is that moment, the wonder of seeing you standing on the other side of that door.
I know that it was not the same, pleasant experience for you. I understand that you have a great deal of anger toward me in your heart, and I know that you have every reason to feel that way. What I did was vile. I was a terrible betrothed, and you deserve so much better.
Alas, here we are. I find that I am at a complete loss for words other than to say that I love you, no matter what. I love you as I have never loved another soul in all my days. I love you so much that I can hardly bear the idea of you moving on from me or wanting anything to do with another man.
Annie, my darling, please forgive me. Don’t forget the wonderful times that we had together. Do not reject me for my error, but know that I have learned from it and would never do such a thing again, no matter the temptation that may come my way.
Your cousin was a vixen, tricking me into a sinful, immoral behavior. You know that she is of a low moral character, not like you. It would not have happened were she not the viper that she proved herself to be.
Please, let go of the past. I am not going to stop trying to prove myself. I really am worthy of you. You just need to trust me.
At this point, Annie took a moment to breathe. There was still a little of the letter unread, but she couldn’t believe the audacity of what she had read so far.
Not only was he begging her to forgive him and expressing his undying love, but he was blaming her cousin for his own moral failing.
Abigail had also made a terrible mistake that day, and possibly other times, with Bartholomew. Annie still had to forgive her for all of the hurt that lay upon her from that familial betrayal. But Abigail had never before shown immoral character. She and Annie had been close up until that day, and Abigail had been the portrait of purity.
She couldn’t help suspecting that Bartholomew had maneuvered his way into Abigail’s life for the sake of getting such a response from her. He was certainly manipulative enough.
Just as a man like him would not typically win Annie, Abigail had not been the sort of woman to live loosely. She had made a mistake, certainly, but Bartholomew could not blame his own actions wholly on Abigail.
Once she had gathered herself, Annie read the last bit of the letter.
It grieves me to have to tell you this, Annie, but there is another reason for my writing. Even if you do not wish to be with me, I am frightened for you to end up with Jethro Mills.
Annie, I have overheard him in town, speaking about you. And it has not necessarily been with kindness.
He has often shared that he deems you to be flighty. That by calling off our wedding, you proved yourself unworthy of such a commitment. Although I know that you made your decision because of the mistake that Abigail incited, I think it is wrong of him to speak of his betrothed that way in town.
He has also shared that you are not so pious as you initially appear. With this, he has stated that your moral character has been questionable for some time. I am not sure what gave him that impression, but I thought that you deserved to know that this was the sort of thing being said about you. Publicly.
Anyway, I hope that this does not upset you too much, but I thought you should go into your marriage with the awareness of how your husband feels about you.
Your Friend and Hopefully More,
Bartholomew Jones
Annie sat in shock for a moment, wondering if any of this might have been happening.
Bartholomew had been foolish, but he was at least trying to warn her against the things that were being said about her, and she needed to heed that warning.
Just when she had started to think there could be a future with Jethro, just when it seemed like he might actually resolve to like her, she had to face this reality.
Jethro would never trust her. He would never think anything better of her. More than likely, if she told him about Bartholomew’s actions, he wouldn’t believe her. He would just assume she was making it up to avoid the blame.
There was far too much pressure in this, far too many options for things to go wrong for her. No matter what, Annie felt that she would always be doomed to a loveless life because the men around her just couldn’t seem to figure out what they believed or what they wanted.
She had had enough by now.
Annie ripped up the letter, not wanting to let it exist any longer than it already had.
She could let go of Bartholomew’s past actions against her, but she would not allow him to do anything of the sort again. Not only that, but she would not let him ruin the frail hope that had begun to blossom in her heart just earlier that day.
Chapter 15
Jethro was feeling confident and encouraged after having led a part of the service at church that morning. It had been a bit of a rush as he had stood before the congregation with the honor of bringing the Word of the Lord.
He was feeling so humbled by the fact that he had been given such an opportunity. Any time he read a passage or prayed at the church, Jethro found himself amazed by the fact that he had been allowed to carry the weight of Scripture.
But now that the service was over, he found himself wandering over to Annie, curious as to what she thought of the service. And, for some odd reason, a little bit curious as to whether she had appreciated his part in it.
“Hey, Annie,” he said.
“Hi, Jethro. Thank you for your reading this morning. It was a lovely part of the service,” she commented.
“Oh, thanks. I really am amazed whenever I get to have a part in it,” Jethro said.
“Yes, I’m sure that it must be a privilege to help bring the message from the pulpit to the people,” she said. “I was always amazed when reading about the priests of Israel and their duties.”
Jethro was impressed that Annie had bothered to read those portions of Scripture, much less that she could observe the men’s duties. He wondered why he had never realized that she truly was a pious woman at heart. She had a deep love for the Word of God.
“They had a lot of work on their hands, and they did it well,” he said.
She nodded, still a bit shy and hesitant. Jethro could see that she was not ready to let go of her reservations around him. Annie was far from bold, but he hoped that he would eventually get her to relax a little bit.
“You really do care a whole lot about your faith, don’t you?” Jethro asked.
“Of course I do. It is an important thing to care about. What would my life be like if it were not for all that the Lord has done for me? I don’t think I could bear to go on without his grace and mercy. I wouldn’t want to live that life,” she said.
“That is very noble. And you’re right. There isn’t any reason to live life like that when we know what it is to be in his grace,” Jethro said.
“Anyway, I really appreciated what you read from Colossians and the other verses that you shared when you were talking about it. I was thinking about how the verse isn’t just telling us to have the peace of Christ. And it wasn’t just telling us to be thankful. But in a lot of ways, it made me wonder if we find our peace through that very gratitude,” Annie said.
Jethro was taken aback and didn’t know what to say right away. This had been his own observation of the verse, his understanding of it. How was it that Annie Blake happened to have been nearly of the same mind that he had been?
“What is it?” she asked, blushing and looking rather insecure.
Jethro realized that he had been staring at her and was immediately ashamed, feeling his cheeks grow warm.
“Sorry, uh … it’s just that I was thinking the exact same thing as I studied and prepared to read this verse. I think
it’s great that we had the same thought about it,” he said.
She looked surprised as well, but only gave a flash of a youthful smile before looking off toward her mother and father.
“They were very impressed by you as well,” she said.
“Really? They were?” he asked.
“Certainly. I think they would be thrilled to listen to you all day long,” Annie said.
“I would be honored to preach to your family,” he teased.
“Well, if your observations of Scripture are anything to go by, I think my family would be more than happy with that. I know that my mother and father see you as the future minister of our little town, and they wouldn’t hesitate to learn from you,” Annie said.
“That’s a whole lot of pressure, you know,” Jethro said with a laugh.
“Maybe so, but isn’t that the pressure felt by every man of the Word? Don’t you all have to live according to the Scriptures and pray that you will not misinterpret them?” she challenged.
Once more, Jethro had to try and figure out how he wanted to reply. Her statements were shockingly firm, targeting every question that he was too frightened to ask. Annie knew precisely what she believed, and there was something rather intimidating about that.
“I’m sorry; I have upset you,” Annie said.
“No, not at all. Not upset. I mean, if anything, I’m impressed,” he told her.
She laughed, and her brows drew together in confusion at that.
“Impressed? By me? What have I said to impress you?” she asked.
“You have just made a very strong point that frightens any man who preaches. And it shows me that you aren’t someone who is going to follow along, blindly, listening to whatever any man says just because he happens to be standing up there,” Jethro said.
“That intimidates you?” she asked.
“A bit. It should. Any man should be intimidated by the fact that he has that sort of responsibility, but the fact that you notice it? That’s something we don’t often have to deal with,” he said.
“Well, I’m glad that I can challenge you in some way. You know, aside from the fact that I make you anxious about marriage,” she said.
Jethro looked down, feeling bad. He didn’t want her to always associate him with the fact that they had all of these issues regarding their future union. He wanted the two of them to find some kind of common ground. It would be far better if they actually managed to like each other without having to wonder if one of them might betray the other.
“Listen, Annie, I know that I haven’t been kind to you. I regret it. I’m nervous, yes, but there’s no excuse for the way that I’ve been acting,” he said.
“Of course, there is. You have every reason to be anxious, to think that I’m not pious or that I’m flighty,” she said as if he had told her those things.
“I never—” he began.
“But I think you should know that I am happy to prove that none of that is true. Moreover, I would like you to decide on the matter. Whatever it is, I will respect it,” she said.
“A decision? On which part, exactly?” Jethro asked.
“On all of it. Our being together or … not being together. If you don’t want to marry me, I completely understand. I will accept your refusal,” Annie said.
Jethro’s lips parted, but nothing came from them. He eyed her with sudden regret. Regret that he had been so mean. Regret that he had not made her feel more cared about.
Why had he behaved that way? He had made Annie Blake feel insecure, and she didn’t deserve that. She deserved to be cared for. He had been terrible and had made her feel the exact opposite.
“Annie …”
“And I’m not saying that because I want to get out of this,” she said, quickly. “For my part, I would be honored to marry the son of the minister. A man who will be a great preacher in his own time. But only if you are willing to see me beyond the rumors. I need to know that you can look at me as a person, regardless of what you have heard.”
Jethro inhaled deeply, hoping that the right words would come with the air.
“I will try. I don’t know if I can do a good job of ignoring things I’ve heard since we don’t know each other all that well, but I will try to get to know you. I think it will help in making the right decision,” he said.
Annie nodded, but he saw the sadness in her eyes. There was clearly a small part of her that had wanted Jethro to staunchly refute any idea that he might not want to be her husband. But the truth was, he couldn’t deny his hesitation, no matter how much he wanted to.
She frightened him. Not only because of her wisdom with Scripture, but also with her history. He didn’t want to fall for someone who might betray him, and when he looked at Annie, that was something that he was prone to seeing.
“Well, thank you. For being willing to get to know me, I mean,” she said.
“There’s nothing to thank. You’re a good woman, and I’m not going to pretend otherwise. Like I said, I have made a mess out of a lot of this. But that doesn’t change the fact that you deserve better,” Jethro said.
She looked a bit touched at that, but he could tell that his words had not wholly soothed her soul. For the most part, he had only extended her agony for not knowing whether or not he was going to care about her.
“Annie …” he started, but as before, he couldn’t seem to finish.
“What is it?” she prompted.
“I just want you to know that I’m sorry. I mean, I know I have apologized a few times, but I don’t think you really know how bad I feel about some of the ways that I’ve treated you,” Jethro said.
“I understand. And don’t worry about it. I know that things can be hard. You never know what people’s intentions are. When you have heard so much about someone, it’s difficult to understand anything different,” she said.
“Why are you so patient with me?” Jethro asked.
Annie glanced away from him, looking down and sad. But he could see the answer was there on the tip of her tongue.
“Maybe it’s because I do actually want this. Being impatient with you isn’t going to help anything. I want you to know me for who I am, and if I let myself get worked up about how you’ve been, it’s only going to get in the way,” she said.
Jethro was struck. Annie wanted this. She wanted to marry him. Not just that she was willing. She wanted to be his wife.
That was something he really hadn’t anticipated.
With that, Annie looked back to her mother and father.
“I should be going,” she said.
“Oh, of course,” he replied.
He watched her go, not turning back around to look at him. Annie was a wonder. How had he not recognized it sooner?
Although he was feeling incredibly foolish, Jethro couldn’t simply run after Annie and beg her to forgive him and let things go. He would have to be patient, to continue getting to know her and seeing how she responded to things. After all, he had not given her any good reason for trusting him.
It was ironic. It was ironic how he had not trusted her, and now, it was Jethro who could not be trusted. Why should she trust him to give her a chance? Why would she trust him to make any decent decisions or to treat her reasonably well?
