****
Hawk stared at the computer screen. Writing the report for his commander hadn’t purged his feelings of betrayal, but stirred them into a fever pitch. Had Flash’s shot really been an accident? Or had it been a warning to back off? What the hell had been going on in Iraq before they came home?
Something criminal? Something that would impact a SEAL’s career.
Drugs? No way. Treason? Not a chance.
How bad was Flash’s gambling problem, and how much did he owe? Hell, who did he owe?
Had Derrick been abusing his girlfriend all along? Had Brett known?
Girlfriend. Zoe’s expression of fear and shock as she’d stood in the emergency room waiting room had made him aware of how deep her feelings for him ran, and how vulnerable she was because of it. He’d never seen anyone so pale without them being down.
His idea of just keeping things superficial, just keeping them limited to the sex, had imploded the first time they’d made love. He just hadn’t realized how completely he had given of himself, and how vulnerable he was because of it, until he’d seen her there. He’d never meant their relationship to cause her pain. But he’d been helpless to shield her from it.
For the first time, the realization that he wanted something permanent with her, wasn’t just a thought that ricocheted through his mind to then be tucked away to look at later. The panicky tightness he’d experienced in his chest at Doc’s apartment returned with a vengeance.
He wasn’t just in love with her. He loved her. But if something happened to him, could she deal with it? From her reaction this afternoon, he didn’t think so. But short of giving up his career--what could he do about it?
He could end it, and save her from all the dread, worry, and grief. Just the thought hit him with a punch as painful as the simunitions round that had grazed his cheek that afternoon.
Could he really do it? Could he be as selfless as that? He was certain he had never felt like this about any other woman, knew it in his bones. But in order to keep her, he’d have to make a career change. Could he give up being a SEAL?
Everything in him rebelled against the thought.
The guys in his company had been his family for so long. The men standing next to him were the one constant, the one thing he could depend on.
Until now.
What if his career continued to stall because of this situation? What would he do then?
It wouldn’t. He’d see to it. Because without the team what would he have? And he’d been alone, except for them, since his mother had died. Five years now.
The guilt he kept carefully tucked away reared up, nearly choking him. He hadn’t been there for her, anymore than he could be for Zoe if they went wheels up.
A tap sounded on the bedroom door behind him. He grasped at his composure and said, ”Come in.”
Zoe stood at the door, her hand on the jamb, and balanced on her good leg as she rested the foot of her damaged one atop the other. Her color had returned but she looked tired. Were they going to fight about what had happened? The phone rang down the hall and she sighed. “I’ll get that, it’s probably, Mom.”
Hawk drew a deep breath. He had a few moments reprieve, a few slim moments to think things through.
When Zoe returned, he tried to behave as though he was immersed in what was on the computer screen.
“Are you too busy to talk?” she asked.
“No, I’m not too busy.” He pushed the chair away from the computer, a sense of resignation weighting that feeling further.
Zoe leaned back against the edge of the desk. She reached for his hand. “You’re sure you’re all right?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.” His fingers brushed the swollen area just beneath his eye. ”Just a little sore. The drops they gave me have almost cleared my eyes.”
She slid off the desk edge and perched on his thigh to rest against him. She rubbed her soft cheek against his and brushed her lips along his jaw.
With just that small caress he wanted her so much it tangled his insides into knots. “About today--”
She pressed her fingers against his lips and drew back to look him in the face. “Not yet, Adam. I just want to be close to you for a few minutes first. I wish things could be simple for us.“
Hawk kissed her, smothering the rest of what she had to say. He just didn’t want to hear it. Not yet. Instead of talking about all the reasons they shouldn’t be together, he wanted to feel all the reasons why they should. His mouth clung to hers until he teased her tongue into play.
In the touch of her hands, the heated taste of her mouth, there was an eagerness in her response that bordered on desperation.
“Zoe.” He urged her to her feet. He drew her close and ran his fingertips up and down her back in gentle brushing caresses. “I never wanted to cause you pain,” he said softly.
He could feel the tension in her body as she struggled not to cry. She hid her face against his shoulder. “I know.”
”It’s always a possibility. We have to train hard. We sweat now so we don’t bleed later. I’ve sworn to protect my country with my life, if I have to, Zoe.”
“I know. But it wasn’t the enemy who shot you today.”
“It wasn’t a real bullet. It was a simunition round packed with a soap compound.”
“Does it matter that it wasn’t a real bullet? You were shot. Who shot you?”
“I can’t tell you that. It was a training accident and the only person I’m allowed to discuss it with is my commander.”
She drew back as though he’d slapped her. “What did you do, sign a nondisclosure contract the moment you donned your uniform this morning?”
Guilt gave him a hard pinch at her look of betrayal. “Something like that. It’s just the way it is.”
“Why is it you put the Navy ahead of everything and everyone? It isn’t your family.”
Veronica had said much the same thing. She’d screamed at him that when he’d joined the Navy he’d married an institution, instead of a living, breathing woman. But it had never let him down, not until now. He closed off the thought.
If Zoe was this upset over a bit of secrecy, how would she feel when they went wheels up to places unknown? When he couldn’t even contact her because they were under deep cover?
His throat worked as he swallowed. “I think we need to pull back.” His chest hurt as he drew a deep breath. “I’m not ready to make a choice between you and the Navy.”
“Is that how you see it, Hawk? That I’m asking you to give up your career for me?”
“It’s all I’ve had for a long time, Zoe. It’s all I’ve worked for, for years.”
Her hand slashed through the air in sudden anger. “Is this job going to grieve for you when you come home in a body bag? Is it going to support you if you come back with an arm or leg missing? Is it going to give you children, or a real family? Is it going to hold you and offer you comfort when you feel betrayed by your friends?”
So she had seen that, too. But he’d seen some things, too. What about her physical condition? What if she got sick and died on him while he was gone? Like his mother had. The guilt had hounded him for years. He couldn’t go through that again.
“I can’t ask you to stick it out. When we go wheels up and I’m shipped out for six months, a year, longer, you’ll be back here in the states and you’ll get tired of being alone, waiting on someone who might or might not return. You’ll get tired of wondering if I’m hurt or dead. You’ll resent my being gone just like you’re resenting my not telling you everything right now. And if you got sick or were hurt, I couldn’t be here for you and you’d resent that too.”
She brushed at a fresh wave of tears that streaked down her face. “Not if you love me.”
For a moment, some unseen force squeezed his heart in a tight fist. “I won’t say that, Zoe.”
She turned away, sparing him from seeing her reaction. But when she faced him again, anger etched a bitter light in her eyes. “What was the whole
point then, Adam? Was it to show the poor little crippled girl that someone could fuck her despite the scars?”
He welcomed the anger. It helped him seal off the pain. He reached for her and gave her a shake before he could control the urge. “Stop it.”
“I would have never pegged you as an emotional coward. You’re ready and willing to lay your body, your life, on the line, but not your heart.”
The accusation stung more than he wanted to acknowledge. “You don’t know what you’re talking about, Zoe.”
She threw out a hand in a beseeching gesture. “Then explain it to me.”
“I can’t let anything distract me from what I have to do. You don’t need the added grief of another person you care about being in harm’s way. It’s as simple as that. I’m trying to spare you that.”
She jerked free of his grasp. “You’re a little late, Adam. I already love you.”
His heart beat as though he’d run a fast sprint across a beach. He bit back the words, “I love you too.” If he said them, he’d make her happy--temporarily. But every time he had to leave, every time his job came between them--she’d end up miserable. As miserable as he’d be if something happened to her while he was gone.
“I’m sorry, Zoe.”
She shook her head, her expression blank, stunned, and staggered back toward the door.
Hawk took a protective step forward, his hand extended to steady her. She flinched away from his touch and limped out into the hallway. A few minutes later he heard the front door open and close.
He had done what he had to do. He’d done what was right for them both. Hadn’t he?
It hurt like hell.
CHAPTER 23
Breaking Free Page 54
