by S. Massery
“Don’t cry, Charlie.”
I hadn’t realized he was paying attention.
He looks at me. “Do you remember what Colby said to you in the woods that day?”
I tilt my head. “The day you beat him up?”
He doesn’t laugh like I expect. Instead, he says, “Yes, do you remember?”
I shake my head.
“What do you remember?”
“Just—feeling trapped. I’ve tried to block out everything else.”
I look down at my coffee. It’s hard not to shudder, but I push away the memories.
“Well, he said something and you didn’t deny it. And I just wanted to say, I felt the same. Never stopped.”
Jared is staring at me so intensely, it’s hard to look away once he’s caught my gaze. I’ve always loved his eyes and the way he looks at me. We both flinch when his train is called, and he stands.
I try to recall the day he’s talking about, and those specific words, but… “I don’t remember,” I say as I stand, too.
“It’s okay, Charlie.” We hug, and then he shoulders his bag. He touches my chin. “We’ll see each other again.”
I nod.
“Stop crying,” he says again.
I nod again.
Once we’ve started repeating conversation, it’s time to leave.
“Bye, Jared,” I whisper.
“Goodbye, Charlie.”
55
Avery comes back.
He doesn’t say anything about Jared, and neither do I.
Things stay the same.
56
I hold the note in my hand, barely able to read it because I’m trembling. I love you, it says in an unfamiliar writing.
She couldn’t fucking say it—so I left. Avery’s words that I haven’t thought about in months ring in my ears. It’s a soundtrack I can’t break. They hold the entirety of his misery that’s endured since we met in Chicago.
I pace around the apartment, wondering if I should start moving my stuff out.
I already know that he smiles at me like he would smile at someone he almost loved wholeheartedly, except fell short; his smile becomes sunshine when he looks at her. She has ruined him for any other girl. Maybe he just used me to help him put the pieces back together, until Elaina was ready.
Her name hurts to think about. With her name comes her face, and the way she looked at me, the way she looked at Avery. With her name comes her voice, and her handwriting floats in front of my face. She had been gone for two months! I had asked Avery—with less and less frequency, I’ll admit—if he had seen or heard from her since the night she came over for dinner. Every time, he said no.
I wonder when he started seeing her again, and when she slipped him that note. I wonder how long he’s been lying to me.
I call Avery.
“Hey,” he answers.
“Where are you?” My fingers fold around the note. I love you, it mocks.
He pauses. “I’m at a friend’s place. I thought you had plans?”
Did I have plans? Yes, I was supposed to meet Rose at eight thirty. Fuck. I had completely forgotten the minute that I found the note. I switch my phone to speaker and text Rose, I’m so sorry—something came up.
“Charlotte?”
I ask, “Are you with her?”
“Am I with who? Charlotte? Are you alright?”
Before I know it, I’m choking on a sob. My legs give out, and I fall to my knees in my kitchen, shuddering and trying not to let him hear me cry. “Sorry,” I sniffle.
“I’m coming home, okay? I’ll be there soon.”
I nod. I am about to say something else—I love you, or Thank you—but Avery hangs up without another word.
I tuck the paper into my front pocket, and I keep sliding my index finger in to make sure it’s still there. That little paper is grounding me, while obliterating my world at the same time. By the time he gets home, I have moved past tears—temporarily, I think—and into a blank state of shock. Am I fighting for him? Am I letting him go? My mind moves to the ring in his underwear drawer. Was that even meant for me?
I can see our life laid like brickwork ahead of us. But I didn’t see this coming: the orange detour sign screaming at us to get off of the path. I’m going left, while he’s going right.
He zeros in on me as soon as he is through the door. He comes over to me and cups my face, and it’s the first time he’s touched me in four days. “Talk to me,” he whispers. A tear falls from my eye, making a mad dash for the floor. He swipes it with his thumb, and lowers himself until he is kneeling before me. “Tell me what’s wrong.”
Slowly, I pull the paper from my pocket. I let my fingers uncurl, palm up, and watch him lift the note from my hand. He reads it once, twice, mouths it. I don’t think he can look at me, and I wonder if he’s reading it for the first time. My head cocks to the side, and I take in the man that is breaking in front of me.
“She loves you now.”
He squeezes his eyes shut.
“That’s why she’s been here. She’s fighting for you.” That isn’t the reason she gave, but it’s the real reason.
I’m not angry. My heart is breaking along with his. Because I know, the minute a tear slips from his closed eyes, that I’ve lost him.
“Avery…”
I wait until he looks at me. There is a thunderstorm of emotion dancing across his face, and I know that I am part of the cause. I can hardly swallow, can hardly breathe, and the tears have started anew.
“You still love her, don’t you?”
He only hesitates for a split second, and then he nods. “I’ve loved her since I met her,” he says. He says it like a prayer. He says it like it gives him relief.
I say, “I found the ring.”
“You…”
I shake my head, holding up my hand. “Why did you bring it into our home if you weren’t planning on proposing to me?”
“I was,” he whispers. I tilt my head back and stare at the ceiling. The road that we had planned to walk together still stretched in front of me. I could see it: moving to the suburbs, buying a house, being adequately happy. I had got myself on board for that future, I had talked myself into it over the last few months. He clears his throat. His voice sounds stronger as he says, “I was going to propose, Charlotte. I brought the ring back after I was home for the holidays. It was my grandmother’s, and she gave it to me when she passed. After I saw Elaina, and nothing had changed, I knew I had to move on. So, I brought the ring back with the intention of proposing to you in the next few months.”
And then, Elaina came for him.
The decision that I have to make is clear to me, but still I ask, “Why did you hide the note from me?”
For a moment, he says nothing. “I hadn’t read it. She left it for me when she was here for dinner, and I was putting it off.” He attempts a sardonic laugh, but it falls flat. “I thought it was a goodbye letter, honestly.” He sobers quickly, the small smile slipping off his face.
And then, he says what I’ve been waiting for: “I’m sorry.” He leans forward and kisses my temple. “I am so sorry, Charlotte.”
I stand, and he rocks back on his heels to give me room. I step around him. My eyes have dried again, and I am back to the state of numbness. I like this feeling of not feeling anything at all. I float in it. Mechanically, I grab the suitcase I had packed after I called him and hidden in the closet. “I’ll come back for the rest,” I tell him. “I am going to crash at Rose’s… figure out what to do in the morning.”
His mouth drops open. “You packed? You’re leaving?”
I shake my head, as if to say, I’m not a moron. “Yes, of course I did. You told me you only left because she didn’t tell you she loved you, and here she is. She fucking said it.” I pause. “I don’t know if a note counts, though. You may want to get the actual words out of her mouth.” I shake my head again. “Either way, you made a decision, and so have I.”
“Oh, god,” he m
utters. He looks like he’s about to throw up. “I’m so sorry, Charlotte—”
“Please, stop.” I tilt my head back and exhale. I may throw up, too, but I sure as hell won’t do it while I’m standing in front of him. “I love you, Avery. But I think I know you. You’re going to go back to her. You’ll be happy.” I am speaking in a damn monotone, and I can’t stop. “Please be happy.”
He finally nods, and my heart shatters. I practically run out the door with my suitcase and purse, just as the numbness breaks like a dam and rushes away.
Part IV
For the first time,
My future is wide open.
57
Three Months Later | September
Seattle.
The city reflects my mood, which is something akin to desolation.
On the bright side: Georgia’s condo is spotless.
Henry comes into the kitchen when I am halfway under the sink. Their cleaning products surround me, and I have been wearing bright yellow rubber gloves so long that the skin on my hands may never not be tinted yellow.
“Charlie?”
I blush because I’m sure he has an unflattering view of my backside. I keep scrubbing the metal P trap, determined to get rid of the grime build up.
“Charlie…”
“Okay,” I mumble. “Okay.” Withdrawing, I rock back onto my heels. Henry is bundled in his cap and rain trench coat, his special, waterproofed leather briefcase already in his hand. What kind of dork owns a trench coat?
And then, Avery would never wear a trench coat.
Traitorous brain. I try to keep breathing.
“Georgia wanted me to make sure you’re leaving the house today.”
I take a second to look at him. I can’t concentrate on his eyes—golden brown, a bit like Avery’s—without imagining Avery looking at me, and that’s just too damn depressing. Instead, I focus on the space between his nose and lips. He’s been trying to grow out his facial hair, but it just hasn’t been working. His hair is too patchy, and he’s already starting to get some grey on top of his head. Still, he hasn’t given up yet. A sad-looking mustache is all he can do well. I want to tell him, I sympathize with the sad-looking part.
When he raises his eyebrows, I realize that I didn’t answer him. There was a period of time where I had lost my voice—with Colby—and part of me is terrified that I’m losing it again. It’s just so easy to not talk, to let people fill in the silence for me. Dr. Sayer would tell me that I’m self-destructing. So, I answer, “Yeah.” Yes, my mother whispers in the recesses of my mind. “Yes, yes, I’m leaving the house today.” I glance out the window and then wave my gloved hand around. “Although, it’s raining.”
“Welcome to Seattle,” he says sarcastically. He has said that every single time I use the rain as an excuse to stay inside, which only works half of the time. “Georgia has a raincoat you can borrow.” He glances at his watch. “Look, I need to get going.” He stops and stares at me for a minute. “You’re going to be okay.”
I offer him a small smile, but I can’t hold it with any amount of power. I waver, and he nods. Maybe he’s been through this sort of thing; maybe Georgia told him to take pity on me. One day, I’ll want to find out. One day, I’ll want to know how he has such power to read me and sympathize. But today, I don’t want to talk.
“You’re going to be okay,” he says again. “Leave the house. Go apply for some jobs.”
“Find my own place?” I joke.
He grunts, and it actually looks like my words bother him. “Charlie, you’re family, even if you don’t share the same blood as Georgia. That means you’re welcome here as long as it takes you to get back on your feet.”
I frown, because I’m sure that while Georgia loves me, it can’t be easy having a soggy friend—soggy from the tears, which have mostly dried up—moping around. Henry isn’t even my friend yet, so he doesn’t really have to afford the same leniency. Uncomfortable with the way this conversation is going, I look down at the cleaning products around me and say, “You just like that your apartment is spotless.”
He laughs. It’s a rich, warm laugh that makes me fall in love with him for Georgia. She got a good one, if how he’s treating her stray friend is any indication. “That, too.”
After he leaves, I finish cleaning under the sink, run a vacuum across the area rug in the living room, and decide, finally, that I should shower and try not to beat my head against the tiles. My movements feel sluggish. By the time I am ready, it’s late in the afternoon.
I walk down the stairs. I put my hands on the door, ready to push myself out onto the street, and then I stop. I’m not sure what’s recently come over me. Some sort of agoraphobia? Maybe, like the wicked witch, I will melt away. I take three quick steps backwards, until my back meets the rows of mailboxes. They dig into my skin, but I can’t move.
When I fled the apartment after Avery and I ended our relationship, trying to hold myself together, I didn’t stop. I pulled my suitcase behind me and took a cab to Rose’s apartment. She knew I might be coming, but I think she was holding out hope that Avery and I would fix ourselves.
She hugged me. She tucked a blanket around me on her couch and put a steaming mug of tea on the table beside me. At that point, the tears were slow. I was in denial. When the lights turned off, it was like the curtains were swept open. I buried my face in her pillow and sobbed so hard, I got dizzy. I think, too, that she knew I wanted to be alone. My attempts to mask my crying were failing, but she didn’t come out of her room.
I stayed in her apartment for two days. Georgia threatened to fly across the country for me to kick his scrawny butt. On Monday, Rose dragged me off the couch and into the shower. “Clean. Dress. Come to work.” I nodded. It felt like my mother was leaning over me, whispering, This is not how you are supposed to behave, Charlotte Harper Galston. Do not disappoint us. I couldn’t even fathom, at that point, what her response would be. She loved Avery. He was so much more perfect than I was.
I had pulled myself together. I didn’t put on makeup, because I was sure that I would burst into tears and ruin it, anyway. Rose and I walked together. We went into the office, where I swore people were staring at me. Pointing. Whispering, Has she been crying? I sat at my desk and counted the seconds. When Tom’s final meeting of the day ended, I slipped into his office.
“Charlie,” he greeted. “What’s up?”
I thought I’d ask for a few days off. To recollect. Instead, what came out was, “I’m giving my notice. I can give you a month.”
Everything at work promptly exploded.
Come here, Georgia texted me when I had one week of work left.
I went.
I have been here almost two months.
Go, I tell myself now. Avery didn’t follow you because he doesn’t care.
The rain is cold and refreshing. I tip my head back, letting the drops run down my face. I just need to do more simple things. It isn’t like I haven’t left their apartment since I’ve been here. I’ve managed a walk around the block, trips to the grocery store and coffee shop, but no further. There are still moments when I get stuck. On autopilot, I make the trek to get coffee.
My phone vibrates with a call as I am leaving the coffee shop, from a Boston number I don’t recognize.
“Hello?”
“Hey, it’s Rose!”
I breathe a sigh of relief, because I was afraid it might be Tom. “Rose, hi. I didn’t recognize your number.”
“Oh, yeah. I left my cell at home, so I’m calling from a work extension.”
“How’s Tom?”
Tom and I had been developing a great working relationship, but that went out the window when I gave my notice. He turned back to the snapping, piranha boss that I knew from when I first started. It was almost unbearable; I was tempted to tell him to fuck off and to leave sooner. In the end, I couldn’t do that to him.
“He’s gone through four temps already. I thought one had potential when she lasted more t
han a week, but then he threw something ‘in her general vicinity’ and she quit on the spot.”
I rub at my face. “Oh, man.” And, quieter, “I miss you guys.” Rose was my life support. I lived with her, cried on her, and let her guide me around the streets of Boston as if I couldn’t walk alone. To be fair, I couldn’t. She and Eve banded together and tried to distract me from everything.
“Maybe give him a call?”
I let out a harsh laugh. “He wouldn’t want to hear from me.”
I can hear her rolling her eyes. “There was a reason I called,” she says. “Has Avery called you?”
My heart stops. Avery may as well have taken a knife and shoved it in my gut. All sorts of emotions won’t stop sliding around inside of me, and I hate that he had the power to do that. He and Elaina, who actually seemed nice until she played dirty to get her boyfriend back.
“I haven’t heard from him,” I say.
“Well…” Rose sighs. “He stopped by the office. He looked appropriately screwed up. I guess he said he was trying to call you about the apartment…”
“I blocked his number.” I shake my head at my own foolishness, because I had completely forgotten about the stupid apartment in my name. “I kind of assumed he and Elaina would just stay there forever. Maybe the building will burn down around them.”
