“Goodbye, Jack.”
Harper’s eyes fluttered open and he was no longer there. Lana was sitting in a chair by the bed, looking tired but relieved as she leaned forward.
“How are you feeling?”
Harper shifted on the bed, and her body ached all over. Her head was pounding, her ribs hurt and she was having difficulty making sense of everything. She didn’t hurt like this when she had talked to Jack, and that told her that he had been a dream after all. She expected the pain in her heart to grow at the thought that she hadn't actually seen him but it didn’t.
“I feel like I hit a tree.” She made a self-deprecating joke and a ghost of a smile crossed Lana’s face.
“I suppose it was a silly question.”
The room was empty save for Lana. It made her want to tell her about Jack and the dream. “I had the strangest dream just before I woke up. I dreamed about Jack.”
“Was it about the shooting?” Harper recalled telling Lana in the past that she was sometimes plagued by nightmares of Jack being killed when she was under stress.
‘No. He was here in the room with me. At first, I thought it meant that I was dead. He told me it was time for me to let him go, that I needed to move on if I was going to be happy.”
A thoughtful look came over Lana’s face. “And what do you think? Do you think there is some truth to that?”
Harper laid there for a long time while she turned Lana’s question over in her head. She knew that her heart had been trying to tell her something when Jack had appeared in her dream. “I’ve been a fool, haven’t I? It’s almost become a knee jerk reaction to hold men at arm’s length since Jack died. At first, it was because I wasn't ready to move on. When he died, I wanted to die too. But…”
She searched her mind for how to explain. Lana leaned forward and put her hand on her arm.
“But now there’s Josh.” There was a wealth of understanding in Lana’s eyes, but Harper had a feeling that her friend was not going to go easy on her.
“Yes, now there’s Josh. And I’m in love with him. That’s what scared me the most. I haven't felt anything like that with anyone since Jack. If anything happened to him, I don’t know if I could ever come back from it.”
“But what if nothing happens to him? What if he lives to a ripe old age? Have you thought of that?”
To be perfectly honest, she hadn't thought of that. She’d been in her relationship with Josh assuming the worst. It was like she spent most of her time with him waiting for the other shoe to drop, and at the first sign of trouble she’d bailed on him. And it was telling that it was Lana in the room with her and not Josh.
“I messed everything up, didn’t I?” Profound sadness swept over Harper and she wanted to close her eyes and pretend that nothing was wrong. But she’d done enough running away and turning away from the truth. She was done doing that.
“You certainly gave it your best shot.” Lana smiled at her as she patted her on the arm. “But it’s nothing that can’t be fixed.”
“How can you say that? I hurt him so much. How can I make that up to him?”
“By talking to him and telling him how you feel.” Lana made it sound so easy but it couldn't be that simple.
“It can’t be that easy. you don’t know what I said to him. He thinks I don’t want him because of what he is.”
“So you tell him that you were scared, that you let your fear overwhelm you. You ask him to forgive you and I am sure he will.”
“How can you be so sure?” Harper looked at Lana. Was that really all she needed to do? Talk to him and tell her what was in her heart and all would be forgiven. Surely there was going to be more to it than that.
“I’m sure because I know what happened after you hit that tree. Josh was one of the first responders on the scene. Ben was there too and he told me what happened there. When he learned it was you in that car, he was shaking so badly that he couldn't do his job. He rode in the ambulance with you and he was in the waiting room the entire time you were being worked on.”
“Where is he now? Can I see him?” An overwhelming tiredness swept through her and she knew that she wasn't going to remain awake for much longer.
“Ben has taken him home. It was quite a fight to get him to go. But we decided that once we knew you were going to be okay, it would be better if he got some rest. The hospital will only allow one of us in here, and I’m taking the first shift sitting with you. He will be here tomorrow and you can see him then.”
Harper was worried that she might lose her nerve by tomorrow. It seemed like a daunting task to convince him that she was wrong about pushing him away. But right now she was so tired that she couldn't think straight, and she knew that if she was going to convince Josh that she loved him, then she needed a clear head.
“Are you sure he’s going to want to listen to what I have to say?” She’d messed up so badly that she wouldn't blame Josh for not wanting to give her a second chance. It was one thing to be upset when someone you had been intimate with was hurt, it was something else entirely to open yourself up to being hurt again. Maybe Josh wouldn't trust her not to bail on him when things got tough.
“I don’t think you have anything to worry about. The man I saw tonight loves you, and if you tell him what is in your heart, I’m sure he’ll listen. Now get some rest.”
Harper closed her eyes and hoped that it would be as easy as Lana seemed to think. If nothing else the accident had shown her just how fragile life was, how there were no guarantees. The only thing she could do was live her life one day at a time. And she was certain of one thing. She didn’t want to go on without Josh. The next time she saw him she was going to tell him how she felt and beg his forgiveness. And if he gave her a second chance she wasn’t going to do anything to jeopardize it again.
45
Harper
Harper winced as the doctor carefully palpitated her ribs. Her body was one aching mass now that she was fully awake, and although she understood that this exam was necessary, it didn’t make it any less painful.
“You’ll be glad to know that they aren’t broken, just deeply bruised. Unfortunately that is not going to make them any less painful, I’m afraid.” He moved back and picked up the medical chart that he’d set on the table beside the bed.
“When can I get out of here?” She didn’t think she was going to be moving very quickly once she got out of this bed, but she needed to see Josh. She’d been awake all morning and there had been no sign of him. If he wasn’t going to come here, then she was going to have to seek him out.
“You’re very lucky to be alive. Your seatbelt and airbag saved your life. My biggest concern is your concussion, so we are going to keep you in for another day at least so we can keep an eye on it.” The doctor had a stern look on his face and Harper couldn’t bring herself to argue with him. It looked like she was going to be stuck here for another day at least.
It appeared the doctor had finished with his examination and after saying he’d be back to check on her, he turned and left.
Harper pressed the button that would adjust the elevation on the bed in an attempt to get more comfortable. For a second she wished she had asked for something for the pain. However, it was probably a good thing that she hadn’t. She needed a clear head so she could formulate what she was going to say to Josh when she did see him.
She blew out a breath of frustration. She didn’t know if she wanted to spend another day in this bed. She felt so helpless just laying here. And she wanted to see Josh. She needed to see him.
The cold light of day hadn’t made her any less determined to tell him how she felt about him. It was something she knew in her heart that she needed to do. She’d didn’t want to go through the rest of her life without him. She’d spent so much time giving in to her fear that she didn’t think she would be able to forgive herself if she ruined things with him.
The door to her room opened and he was standing there, framed in the doorway. He looked so strong, s
o steady that her heart ached to see him.
His eyes roved over hers and he came striding into the room, rushing over to her side. He reached up with a trembling hand to gently touch her cheek. She longed to rest her head against the palm of his hand, but knew that her ribs would not forgive her for making any moves in his direction. She hoped that the outcome of the conversation that they needed to have was positive because she longed to be held in his arms. And if he could forgive her for what she’d put him through, she made a promise to herself that she would experience being held by him as soon as her ribs allowed it.
“Thank God you’re okay.” There was a crack in his voice and he swallowed hard. There was the shadow of a beard on the lower part of his face and he looked tired, as if he hadn’t slept in days. “When I saw you in that car I thought I had lost you.”
She gave him a soft smile. “Thankfully the seatbelt and airbag saved me. The doctor says I have bruised ribs and a concussion, but it’s nothing that I can’t recover from.”
Relief flicked over his face. He turned and took the chair that Lana had been sitting in the night before and pulled it closer to the bed.
“There is so much I need to say to you.” He reached out and took her hand. He held it in his and hope bloomed inside Harper that he would listen to what she had to say and that he would find a way to forgive her for what she’d said to him the last time they’d spoken.
“There is a lot I have to say to you.” She took a deep breath. “I want you to listen. Don't say anything, otherwise I won’t be able to get this out.”
He tensed but nodded his head. She searched her mind for where she should start. It seemed logical to start at the beginning.
“Breaking up with you was a mistake. The only excuse I can give you for it is because I was afraid. I haven’t felt for anyone what I feel for you since Jack. When I lost him I thought my life was over and I made a promise to myself that I wasn't going to go through anything like that again. I managed to keep myself free from entanglements since then. Any time it seemed like someone was getting too close, I ended things. I built my life around work and told myself that I was happy. Then I came here to help my best friend with her shop and I met you. That night at the opening you bowled me over. When I went with you on the walk, I couldn’t stop myself. I had to know you better.”
His mouth tightened. “And then I was shot. I’m so sorry that you had to go through what you did that night. If there was a way I could go back to that night, I would never have taken you outside with me. You know that I would never have gone to the park with you if I thought there would be any danger.”
“Neither of us could have known what was going to happen that night. I don’t blame you for what happened to you. Unfortunately it brought everything that happened with Jack back to me and it scared me. When Lana asked me to come back to town to help her, I have to be honest when I say that I was hoping I wouldn't run into you. I am not saying this to hurt you, but I think even then I knew that it would be too easy for me to get in deep with you.”
Josh gave her a crooked smile. “Unfortunately I didn't get the memo and wouldn’t let you push me away.”
“And I’m glad you didn’t. I wasn't so sure at the time, but now I am. I would never have come to you on my own if you hadn't pushed. And it was what I needed. to be pushed into getting to know you. If you hadn't I wouldn't have fallen in love with you.”
Surprise crossed his features and she could see joy flare in his eyes. He gently brought her hand to his lips and kissed the back. “Do you mean it? You love me?”
“It’s what scared me so much. I loved Jack and he was taken from me. I barely survived it. I knew I was falling in love with you, but I couldn’t seem to stop it. And I’m sorry to say that I used what you are and the situation your pack is in as an excuse to push you out of my life. I was trying to spare myself the pain, but once you left I realized that I was too late. I loved you and pushing you away hurt so much that I had to run from it. That was the reason I was on the road last night.” Harper’s lip trembled for a moment when she thought about how close she’d come to destroying everything. “I’m so sorry I did that. Can you forgive me?”
“I understand now what you went through when you were with Jack and why it scared you so much when you thought something would happen to me. I went through some of that last night when I saw you in that wreck. I thought you would be taken from me forever, and the pain was almost unbearable. And to know that I am partially to blame for your accident, that I brought danger to you, it makes me think that I should be the one to ask for your forgiveness.”
“What do you mean? It was my stupidity that put me on the road.”
“That may be, but would have you crashed into the tree if Tyler hadn’t been in the middle of the road?” Surprise went through Harper and Josh must have seen it on her face. “He came to the hospital after you were brought in and told us what he’d done. If Ben hadn’t intervened I would have killed him. And I brought you into his orbit. He blames me for his sister’s death and that blame put you at risk. It’s going to be a long time before I forgive myself for bringing danger to you.”
Harper was quiet for a moment. She wouldn't let him blame himself for what had happened. “It’s not your fault you didn’t know that he was going to do what he did. In a way, I feel sorry for him. It’s hard to lose someone you love and is all too easy to cast blame and lash out as a result.”
“If you say so.” It didn’t appear that Josh was going to be forgiving his friend any time soon and Harper found that she didn’t want to talk about Tyler. She’d confessed her love for him but she couldn't help but notice that he had said the words in return.
“I know I screwed up and I hope that we can move past it. Do you think you might be able to grow to love me?”
His brow pulled together and he looked confused for a minute. “Grow to love you? What are you talking about? Harper, do you not know how I feel about you?”
When he put it like that, she had a pretty good idea, but still it would be nice to hear him say the words. “Well, you haven’t exactly come out and said it.”
He moved word and brushed a lock of hair that had fallen across her cheek away from her face. With a slow gentleness that made her feel like the most cherished woman in the world, he leaned forward and brushed his mouth against her.
“I am deeply in love with you. I want you, I need you and I don’t want to go through my life without you.”
Tears pricked at the edges of Harpers’ eyes. “I want that too. I can’t promise that I won’t get scared, but I want to try. I want us to have a life together.”
“I do too. And if you get scared, just hold on to me and know that I love you.”
Epilogue
Three weeks after Harper’s accident, Josh drove his car into Boston. Harper was in the passenger seat and although she tried to hide it, he could tell she’d been tense throughout most of the drive from Lenox to Boston. He was certain that it was going to take some time for her to get over the accident, and to relax while she was in the car.
He reached over and put a soothing hand on her leg. She smiled at him as she clasped it. He turned his attention back to the road as he followed Harper’s directions on how to get to her condo. Once he got there, he took the parking pass she handed him and pressed onto the slot on the tower at the entrance of the parking garage that was beneath her building. The gate raised and he drove smoothly inside.
He parked the car, she undid her belt and moved stiffly out of the car. She stood there with her hand braced on the roof for a minute.
“Are you okay?” He came over to her and put his arms around her shoulders. He pressed his lips to the top of her head.
“I’ll be fine in a minute. I just need to get my sea legs. The ride was a little more nerve-wracking than I expected, but we’re here, safe and sound.” She gave him a soft smile as she raised on her toes and pressed her lips against his cheek. “Can you get our stuff and I’ll show yo
u my place?”
He left her side and got their bags out of the back of his car. Harper had only the bag that she’d brought with her to Lenox, and he hadn’t packed a lot either. This was supposed to be a trial run of life together in Boston, and if it was successful he would arrange to get the rest of his things.
They went up the elevator until they got to the floor Harper’s condo was on. As they went inside, Josh tried to imagine himself living here. It was definitely a lot smaller than Shadowbrook, but it was a place he and Harper could have all to themselves.
She gave him a quick tour of the condo, and they left their bags in the bedroom to be unpacked later. they came back to the kitchen and Harper looked at him with a smile.
“If you’re hungry, I’m afraid that I don’t have anything to eat in the house. I cleaned it all out when I left for Lenox. We can go get something if you want.”
Now that they were here, he didn't feel like going back out again. He knew that the drive here had taken its toll on Harper and he didn’t want to subject her to another car ride again.
“Why don't we just order something in.”
“Okay.” Harper pulled a selection of take out menus and they ordered some food from a Chinese restaurant that Harper said was very good. They went into the living room to wait for their food and Josh pulled Harper down beside him as he sat on the couch. Even though they’d been beside each other in the car, even the short distance between their two seats seemed to be too much. He found that since she'd gotten out of the hospital he hadn't liked having her too far from him.
“Are you sure about this?” She leaned her head against his shoulder and he didn’t pretend that he didn't know what he was talking about. Now that they were here in Boston, now that it was real and not something they were saying might happen, he knew that she didn’t want him to regret making the decision to come back here with her.
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