by PJ Fernor
In Sandemor, it was like its own world.
A postcard come to life.
Each town had its own set of issues. That was the only problem there was.
That was a whole other thing to think about.
As I pulled into the parking lot, I saw Lo talking to another girl.
She looked to be the same age.
A beautiful girl with blonde hair and blue eyes.
They were talking and laughing.
It was so nice to see Lo laughing. Smiling. Being authentic.
I parked far enough away so I didn’t disturb them, but I was quickly spotted by Lo.
She and the other girl hugged, and the girl walked away, looking at me while giving a wave.
I climbed out of my car and Lo walked toward me.
“New friend?” I asked.
“That’s Steph,” I said. “I told you about her.”
“Oh. Right. Steph. That Steph.”
“You have no idea what I’m talking about, do you?”
“No. Sorry.”
“She goes here too,” Lo said. “She lost her family. She gets what it feels like, you know?”
I looked back at Steph and my heart sank.
Alex and I had lived through losing our parents.
Lo was living through losing hers.
Without Alex, I wasn’t sure I would have been able to figure out my life.
“I’m glad you have her then,” I said. “You should invite her over. Does she need a ride or anything?”
“No,” Lo said. “She lives a mile away. With her aunt. Her aunt has some money so Steph goes to the private school.”
“Okay,” I said. “How was your appointment?”
“Are you going to go talk to him?” Lo asked.
“Yeah,” I said. “Everything good?”
“It’s fine,” Lo said.
The smile she had for Steph was gone.
I wasn’t sure what she thought when she looked at me.
Did she hate that I was no longer the cool aunt? Did she see her mother in my face? Was I messing everything up that she knew in her life?
Lo got into the car and I went toward the building.
I always had fifty questions for Dr. Jerry but didn’t get into too much.
I wanted to respect Lo’s privacy and feelings.
When I entered the office, Dr. Jerry was waiting for me.
The place was dimly lit, cozy, and smelled of clean leather.
Dr. Jerry stood behind the welcome desk, right behind his full name - Dr. Jerry Winston - wearing a black shirt with the sleeves rolled up, looking right at me with piercing brown eyes, and a smile that always found a way to make me forget half the questions I had about Lo’s life.
Simply put, Dr. Jerry was an extremely handsome man.
His height, build, demeanor, that smile…
I caught myself half smiling, trying to remind myself that this man was helping Lo.
“The great detective,” he said with a laugh. “How are things going for you?”
“Anyone talk to you about trashing front porches?” I asked.
“That’s confidential information, Allie,” Dr. Jerry said as he walked around the desk.
Even the way he wore his dress pants… and he wore casual shoes with them… it shouldn’t have matched, but it did.
It worked.
To steal a word from Lo’s dictionary, I felt like I was fangirling over him.
“But, I do have a solution to that problem,” he said in a buttery voice.
“Which is?”
“A drink or two could make me talk,” he said.
He smiled and folded his arms.
“That’s not something you should advertise then,” I said. “Someone might take advantage of you.”
He laughed. “So true. Anyway, let’s talk about Lo. Anything you have for me?”
“No,” I said. “She seems happy. I’m glad she’s talking.”
“That girl has a little bit of an old soul,” Dr. Jerry said. “She carries a lot with her. All these little moments that don’t seem to mean much, but when you add them up…”
“Right,” I said. “Is there anything I can do for her?”
“You already are,” Dr. Jerry said. “I know to you the current situation isn’t the best, but off the record, it means a lot to Lo. She told me about the house. The apartment. Your neighbor.”
“Miss Kesslier,” I said.
“I think it’s smart of you to do what you’ve done,” he said. “The house has a lot of good and a lot of trauma. To see it go would leave the trauma unvisited. It would be very hard for Lo to come to terms with that. Keeping it is a sense of comfort to her. She knows that. She just doesn’t know how to express it. But we will get her there.”
“I have no attachment to the house, Dr. Jerry,” I said.
He put his right hand out. “Please. Just call me Jerry.”
“You can still call me Detective,” I said with a smile.
Oh, jeez, Allie, are you actually trying to flirt in the middle of something so important?
Not that I had any flirting game.
Dr. Jerry laughed. “Lo told me about the night of her mother’s passing. Their last conversation. What occurred.”
“She blames herself.”
“I’ll guide her along that path,” Dr. Jerry said. “I don’t believe in just telling someone not to think the way they do. I like to let them go in that direction. See what the outcome is.”
“Which means?”
“Explore it,” he said. He stepped toward me. “Lo has to figure out why she feels that way. Her mind has to run through all the scenarios that could have been. At the end of it, she’ll be exhausted, but she’ll realize that sometimes… things just happen.”
I nodded. “Okay. Well, as always, thank you.”
I wrote Dr. Jerry a check and he went behind the desk and smiled at me.
“Detective,” he said. “Don’t forget what I said about those drinks.”
I caught myself almost blushing.
“I’ll keep it in mind,” I said.
I swallowed hard.
“And by the way… you’re carrying the same as Lo. I can see it. I can feel it when you’re here. I can feel it when Lo is here. The world spins on its own. You taking your hand from under it for a minute won’t cause anything bad to happen. Alex was your sister. Your only sister. You gave up your dream job in your dream location to come back to the town you left. Don’t be afraid to lean into that once in a while.”
Dr. Jerry gave me one last smile and I exited his office.
I stood in the hallway for a second, ready to burst into tears.
Dr. Jerry was right.
He had a way with words.
But right now, this wasn’t about me.
This was about Lo.
I needed her to escape the shadow of all the tragedy and sadness.
I could take care of myself sometime later in life.
It was just part of my job.
Chapter Eight
Being in a car with Lo was usually her in silence, me asking random questions, and both of us casually looking at the clock, wondering how many minutes until we were home.
That was no longer the case.
Now Lo was being chatty.
It was hard to explain, but being able to talk to someone helped her tremendously.
The look in her eyes, the way she spoke, even the way she moved her hands, it made me wonder if I should have been doing the same.
I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to talk to Dr. Jerry though.
Even if he sort of knew everything about me thanks to Lo.
“And then I told Steph she was being crazy about it. I mean, if he doesn’t text her back, why can’t she text him, right? I don’t get these dumb rules. I think girls watch too many movies. Life isn’t a movie, you know?”
I nodded and smiled. “Yeah. I know.”
Lo shook her head. “Steph is so pretty and she thinks
she’s not because of one guy.”
“Well, when you like someone…”
Lo glanced at me.
I pursed my lips tight for a second. “You know what it’s like.”
“And Trevor thinks I’m pretty. But we can’t see each other.”
“Lo…”
“Sorry,” she said. “I won’t say another thing.”
“So what happened with Steph and this guy?”
“Oh, that. Right. So, like, a couple weeks ago some text got passed around where apparently this guy - Brendan - said that Steph was okay looking. But that the bridge of her nose was too fat.”
“What?” I asked. “That’s a thing?”
“I guess.”
I came to a stop at the stop sign and looked at my nose in the rearview mirror.
I had flashbacks to me in front of the mirror at our old house, trying to make sure I looked perfect for Tommy. With Alex standing in the doorway telling me that Tommy was a loser if he didn’t see how beautiful I was.
Those whole boys and girls, beauty and not feeling pretty thing was brutal to live through.
“So this boy won’t text Steph back because of her nose?” I asked.
“The bridge of her nose,” Lo corrected. “It’s crazy. I wish I could go up to that private school and punch him in the nose. Fatten his nose up.”
“Does Steph have a fat nose?” I asked. “I can’t believe I just asked that.”
“I told her that her nose looks like a little bunny’s nose,” Lo said. “She’s just… she just gets down on herself, you know? Hard to go through stuff in life and then little things hit you hard. I realized that after talking to Dr. Jerry.”
“That’s good,” I said. “It’s good to be able to see things. I’m glad, Lo.”
“Me too. I know he’ll help Steph the same too. Everyone is different.”
“What I said before… about her coming over… I meant it. You two can order pizza. I can go next door to Miss Kesslier’s. Have a girls night. Forget about noses and boys.”
Lo laughed. “Yeah, right. Do you know someone said I have chipmunk cheeks?”
“What the heck are chipmunk cheeks?” I asked.
I feared the worst. Nicknames for body parts…
“My cheeks,” Lo said. She touched her face. “I guess my cheeks are fat.”
“They are not fat!” I yelled.
“I’ve always had fat cheeks,” Lo said. “Even Mom used to say it to me. She’d pinch them and tell me they were meant to be pinched.”
I swallowed hard.
She brought up Alex…
“Your mother would do that?” I asked.
“Lovingly,” Lo said. “I don’t really care. They aren’t as fat as they used to be. I’m growing into my face.”
“Well… I’m proud of you.”
“For what?” Lo asked, laughing. “For growing into my cheeks?”
“No,” I said. “For not letting that stuff get to you.”
“Oh, it did. But Dr. Jerry helped. He has a way to talking about things that just makes it calm and make sense.”
“Good,” I said. “I like talking to him too. I mean, I talk in a different way. But… you know… hey, you mentioned your mother.”
“I know,” Lo said. “I have to work on that. I have to talk about her more. I can’t let one bad thing erase her memory. Right?”
Lo and I looked at each other for a quick second.
I had to keep my focus on the road.
But… wow…
Lo reached across the seat and touched my hand. “Hey, Allie, can I say something?”
“Of course you can.”
“You’re doing amazing,” she said. “With me. With us. With everything.”
“Oh, Lo…”
“Just listen,” she said. “When you took me to your apartment in the city, I was… I never wanted to give it a fair chance. I could have. I should have. But you didn’t push back at me once. You quit your dream job to come back here. I know you don’t like it here.”
“Don’t say that.”
“Allie…”
I nodded. “Okay. It’s not my favorite place. But can I tell you something?”
“Sure.”
“Time works. It helps. I left here so… hurt… I wanted to make something of myself. Was I happy living in the city? I don’t even know. I had the job and nothing else. Here, I have the job, I have you, I have Miss Kesslier…”
“And Ben,” Lo said as she wiggled her eyebrows.
I laughed. “Sure. Ben too. I’m happy here, Lo. And I’m happy to see you happy.”
“You sacrificed without saying a word,” Lo said. “You’re a good mother, Allie.”
My heart twisted.
I swallowed hard.
“I know this is all weird,” Lo said. “I haven’t called you Aunt Allie since I was twelve. I can’t call you Mom.”
“Allie is fine,” I said. “I don’t need a title.”
“But I need you to know how much this all means to me. Everything you do. And it scares me when you do your job. I know what happens. You’ve been shot at. You’ve been shot. You’ve been attacked. Tied to a chair…”
“But I’m still here,” I said.
“I know. And I love you, Allie. Okay?”
“I love you too, Lo,” I said.
My throat squeezed so tight it was hard to breathe.
The tears filled my eyes.
I fought back the urge to cry again and after a few seconds of silence, Lo went back to talking about fat nose bridges and chipmunk cheeks.
But my heart kept swelling.
I wasn’t sure how to handle everything that just happened.
Sometimes it was easier to deal with the bad guys than my own emotions.
Chapter Nine
The Other Place
She sits in the cage, with the door open.
She tastes freedom, but she’s not really free.
To Hailey and Tess she’s free. But to the rest of the world, she’s far from it.
Her knees are bent and she rests her face on her legs.
That was too close. That was way too close.
It had been too close.
What in the world was she thinking doing that?
Leaving the house when Mr. G was away was one thing. Walking around the yard, the backyard, taking in the sights and the smells of autumn… fine. That was bad but not very bad.
What happened though… leaving. Walking the streets. Possibly being seen.
That was whatever came after really bad.
She doesn’t know what comes after really bad.
Because it is… really, really bad.
She hears Hailey weeping.
It’s a quiet cry though.
She’s supposed to tell Hailey to stop crying. There are rules here. If you don’t follow the rules, you’re out. And you don’t want to be out. Out is… dead.
She lifts her head and her vision is blurry.
Great, now I’m crying too. Stupid Hailey.
After taking a breath, the tears stop.
She thinks about that night.
The cool, crisp autumn air. The way it almost burned her throat when she ran, but not so much. The crunch of the fallen leaves. That muddy smell that was just so addicting. In another part of her brain, she can smell cinnamon and clove. She can taste the sweet sugar of Halloween candy. She can almost see herself dressed up as a ninja, being made fun of because she was girl, but who cares, right? Her best friend was wearing the same thing…
The memory quickly dances away.
If it is a memory at all.
Around here, all you can do to keep your mind in check is think. Make things up. Pretend you’re happy and safe.
She scoots forward and sticks her feet out of the cage.
She climbs out and stands up.
When she looks at Hailey, the poor girl is still crying.
“You know you can’t do that much longer,” she says.
; “I know,” Hailey says. “I just feel… sad. Today.”
“I do too,” she says.
She looks at Tess.
Tess is asleep. Curled up like a little kitten.
That makes her smile.
Some parts aren’t all that bad.
Right? Please… someone tell me this isn’t all that bad. Someone just-
The door opens with force and there he is.
Mr. G is back.
He exhales a long breath and laughs. “There you all are.”
“Where else would they be?” she asks.
“Lea, come,” Mr. G says. “I have something to show you.”
She turns and points to the empty cage. “Everything is ready again. We can forget about what happened, right?”
“It’s already out of my mind,” Mr. G says. “I’ve decided…” He stops talking. He looks at Hailey. “Are you crying in there?”
“No,” Hailey says in a weak voice.
Mr. G steps toward her cage.
This is not good.
“Do I hear weeping in my house?” Mr. G asks.
“Hailey is fine,” she says to him. “We were just talking. I gave them all an extra can of soda the other day and she was thankful for it.”
“Hmmm,” Mr. G says. “Interesting. You feel that strongly about soda, Hailey?”
“Yes,” Hailey says. “I miss drinking it.”
“Well, that’s good to know,” Mr. G says. He turns. “Come, Lea.”
They leave the room and Mr. G shuts the door and engages the lock.
She walks next to him through the dusty hallway.
There are cobwebs and spider webs on the walls and in the corners.
“I don’t like giving out resources like that,” he says. “They cannot get spoiled. They cannot gain weight either. Can you imagine that? The product being inferior?”
The product…
She shivers.
“I’m so sorry,” she says. “They were… no. I won’t make excuses. I’ve gotten too close to them. I consider them friends. As a friend, I brought them something to drink. I was wrong in making that decision. Please. Please punish me. Lock me in that cage. I’ll clean it again when my punishment ends. I’ll prepare it perfectly for the next guest.”
Mr. G faces her and smiles.
“This is why I can never lose you,” he whispers. He touches her check. “You know everything. And you’re right. About the friendship. It’s in our nature to want it. It’s in our blood to crave it. We are not an individualized species. I see that now. And I’m going to fix it for you.”
