I laughed, because the joke was on me. “That’s probably because I’ve been bowing down to you like a fucking pussy this whole time.”
“All I did was not tell you about going to lunch with Logan. Jesus Christ, Julian! You’re acting as if you caught me in bed with another man or something,” she flung at me.
“This is about more than just who you’re having lunch with, Isabella,” I roared back. “This is about trying to keep you safe until we can find out who is sending you flowers. This is about how you demanded I share everything with you, no matter how painful, but the first time shit’s not going your way with me, you hold back like a fucking hypocrite! This is about how you may love me, but you obviously don’t trust me.”
“I just didn’t want to fight with you about meeting him. I knew you wouldn’t approve,” she tried to explain again.
“See. That’s what I’m talking about. I would have followed you anywhere, Isabella. Right or wrong, I would have suffered all and any consequences to supporting your choices, whether I agreed with them or not. But you’ve made it perfectly clear that you believe I’d only be there for you if I agree with your choices and decisions. And that’s fucked up.” I needed some breathing room, so I walked farther into the living room where her perfume could no longer addle my brain.
Although it didn’t help because she followed me. “What do you want me to say?”
I suddenly felt so exhausted. “Nothing, Isabella. You don’t need to say anything,” I answered. And it was true. At this point, I wasn’t sure there was anything for either of us to say.
“So, you’re just not going to forgive me?” she accused.
“You haven’t asked for forgiveness,” I pointed out.
She crossed her arms over her chest and lifted her chin as she said, “I shouldn’t have to. You said you’d do anything for me.”
And just like that, my soul was shattered.
Isabella~
I regretted the words as soon as they left my mouth.
Of course I should have to ask for forgiveness when I’m in the wrong, but I couldn’t get his words out of my mind.
‘I would have followed you anywhere’. As in past tense.
Julian’s hands fisted at his sides and his entire body was locked in a fighting stance. I could see his chest heaving in, either pain or fury, I wasn’t sure which. I only knew that I had crossed the line when I threw that promise back in his face.
“So, I don’t deserve apologies or compassion when I’m upset simply because I promised I’d do anything for you?” he asked. I stayed silent because I was so consumed with shame, and so he kept on, “So, if you tell me to score you some heroin, I’m supposed to contact a dealer for you? If you tell me you want to go to a sex club so random men can fuck you, I’m supposed to make reservations immediately? If you tell me you want to offer yourself up to the guy sending you flowers, I’m supposed to find him and give you his address?”
I started shaking my head. “No. Julian, of course you’re no-”
“Apparently I am,” he cut me off. “I mean, I did say I’d do anything for you, after all.”
“I’m sorry,” I finally said to him.
His face was still cold and furious as he taunted me. “For what, exactly, Isabella?”
At this point, it felt like I was sorry for too many things, but there was one thing I was sorry about above everything else. “I’m sorry I hurt you,” I apologized. “I’m sorry you feel like I betrayed you by not telling you about Logan…”
“You did betray me, Isabella. It’s not open for interpretation,” he insisted. Everything felt like it was spiraling out of control and I didn’t know how to rein it all in. “Let me ask you this. How would you feel if my mother called out of the blue and asked to meet me because she wanted to come back into my life and I chose to not discuss it with you because I knew it would upset you? How would you feel if you found out I’d been taking her calls and having lunch with her?”
“It’s not the same thing,” I pointed out. “Logan’s never hurt me.”
His laugh was cold. “Maybe not, but his father, who is trying to get to you through him, has. So, it is the same thing, Isabella.” I was scrambling to find a way to make this right when his next words almost dropped me to my knees. “I don’t think I’m what you want in your life, Isabella. The type of man I am will never make the woman you are happy.” He said it in such a way, that I knew he believed every word of what he just said.
My heart plummeted in the most sickening way.
“Julian, that’s not true. I…we…” I was at a loss for words. It felt like the entire world was crumbling around me.
His face lost its fury and was replaced with such sadness; my eyes instantly started pouring out regretful tears. “It’s true, Dove,” he whispered.
I slapped a hand against the wall to keep me upright.
Dove. He was being sincere.
“I’m not the type of man who will settle for anything less than everything. And you’re not the type of woman who is comfortable giving a man everything,” he went on to explain.
“Julian, no,” I didn’t care if I sounded desperate. “You can’t break up with me,” I demanded.
He smirked and it was the most heartbreaking thing I’d ever seen. “I’m not breaking up with you, Isabella. I just need some time to…uh, find a way to change my ways, I suppose.”
“No. No, Julian. You don’t need to change anyth-”
He put his hand up to stop me. “Yes, I do.” He walked towards me and put his hands on my shoulders. He rubbed them up and down in a soothing motion and it was my undoing.
I hurt him and here he was trying to make me feel better.
He was looked into my eyes as he continued to cut me to the bone. “I meant what I said that first night we met, Isabella. There will never be anyone else for me. But if I don’t find a way to be able to accept just the bits and pieces you’re comfortable giving me, I’m going to end up dead or in prison.”
“That’s bullshit!” I screamed in his face. “This is such bullshit!”
And just like that he went from soothing me to giving into his anger. “Then what the fuck do you want from me, Isabella?!” he roared. He dropped his hands from my arms. “Jesus Fucking Christ! I can’t fucking win with you. I get pissed and you tell me I don’t have the right to be mad. I do my best to calm down and tell you I’ll find a way to make this work and you tell me it’s bullshit. What the fuck do you want with me?”
I felt like my back was up against the wall, so I slashed back. “I want you to be let me breathe! I want you to stop acting like I can’t think for myself! Your intensity can be so goddamn stifling, Julian!”
He stepped towards me until he was towering over me and invading my air. His voice was like razor blades on my heart. “Except, for when I’m fucking you though, right? You’re perfectly okay with how damaged I am, as long as I’m fucking you like a dirty slut, but my scars and broken mind don’t suit you when we’re clothed, is that it? You want to slum it up as long as you’re cumming, but you’re not quite so willing to invite me to the dinner table, yeah?”
His words were like a bucket of ice water thrown in my face. “You’re a real sonofabitch, you know that?” I was beyond raging and hurt.
“I bet if I threw you on the floor right now and forced you to take my cock, it would slide right in with how wet your pussy would be,” he goaded.
I couldn’t stop myself. I started hitting his chest with my fists. “Fuck you, Julian!”
“What? We’re no longer putting the truth on the table?” He didn’t stop me from hitting him as he kept on breaking my heart. “It’s okay for me to be dangerous and unstable as long as it plays into your sexual fantasies, but I can’t just be me because that’s who I am, right, Isabella?”
“No! You’re twisting my words and being cruel just to win this argument,” I screamed up at him.
Julian finally grabbed my wrists to stop attack on him. But he u
sed his hold on me to pull me flush with his body. He brought his face down to mine and we were so close I could feel the breath from his accusation. “Name one thing, Isabella. Name one fucking thing that you’ve accepted from me, without any resistance, besides my dick? I dare you to name one thing.”
My mind searched and searched for something, and the second it came up empty, my entire body bloomed with shame. Horrible, crippling shame. “I…I can’t,” I admitted, dejectedly.
Julian straightened to his full height and let go of my wrists. After a minute of silence on both our ends, I dropped to the floor and shielded myself as he let out a roar and started smashing anything he could get his hands on across the room and against the walls.
I cowered into a useless, sobbing mess as Julian destroyed our living room. I could hear glass shattering and wood splintering all around me. But this is what I asked for, right? I told him over and over how I wanted to see all his broken pieces. I told him I wanted to love all of him, right?
I knew Julian would never hurt me, so while his outburst wasn’t healthy, I wasn’t scared. I was devastated that we’ve gotten to this point and all because I didn’t know how to trust without fear. Because Julian was too good to be true and I didn’t trust it.
“Jesus, fuck, Isabella,” he finally spoke. “You have to tell me what to do. I don’t know what to do.” I looked up to see him pacing what was left of the living room. He was running his hands through his hair in agitation. “I’m fairly certain I can’t live without you, but I don’t know how to love you anymore.” He stopped his pacing and looked down at me and the naked pain in his face was crippling. I’d never seen a human being look so torn apart. “You have to tell me what to do, Isabella,” he said pleaded.
“Believe me when I say that I love you just as you are,” I answered through sobs.
“Bullshit!” he yelled. “You love me like as I am as long as it’s catering to your every whim!”
“Tha…that’s not true, Julian,” I begged. It wasn’t. Maybe I had gotten used to him spoiling me and putting me and my feelings first, but that didn’t mean I was disregarding his feelings. He just always seemed so strong and in control, it didn’t occur to me that he struggled. And then it dawned on me. God, how much more stupid could I be?
Of course, he had struggles. Growing up the way he did, he had to have them with him constantly. And now he didn’t believe that I loved him just the way he was. He trusted me to quiet his demons and it looks like all I did was make them louder.
I had to make this right.
“Julian, listen to me, please…”
His rage was back in full force. I could see the transformation in his stance and his face. “Listen to you what?” he barked. “Listen to all the ways you need me to be a goddamn pussy so that you don’t feel an ounce of resistance or unhappiness again for the rest of your fucking life? Listen to you tell me to kindly step the fuck aside so you can become one big happy family with those selfish fucks? Listen to you tell me to stand down as another man sends you flowers in hopes of taking you from me? Is that the bullshit you want me to listen to?”
“Stop putting words in my mouth!”
“As soon as you stop being a liar and a coward, I’ll get right on that,” he snapped back.
His cruelty had me rising to my feet. I may have been in the wrong when this started by keeping my lunch with Logan from him, but that didn’t mean he had the right to talk to me as if I had no feelings. I faced him and in a voice that was steadier than I felt, I said, “I think, that perhaps now would be a good time to step away from this before we say something we can’t take back.”
His smirk was nasty and evil. “Because up until now, everything we’ve spewed has been acceptable?”
“No, but I don’t think we’ve said anything that we can’t come back from,” I assured him.
And in a voice that could freeze hell, he said, “Says you.”
I tried to control the fear that enveloped my body as I asked, “Meaning?”
Julian lifted his chin. “Forgive me if you’re able to mosey on through life after this without a care the world, but it’s going to be a little harder for me when I’m going to have to constantly wonder what’s going to be asked of me, since I did say I’d do anything for you.”
I crossed my arms over my chest and gave back as good as he gave. “Well, then, may I suggest that next time you don’t say something you don’t mean.” He nodded once and I could feel the shift between us.
This was bad.
“Duly noted, but perhaps you should take your own advice and don’t tell a man you love everything about him when you don’t.” He headed towards the front door and my resolve diminished as soon as he put his hand on the doorknob. Panic set in and I was immobile with fear. He turned to face me before he turned the knob. “I fell in love with you the first night I met you, Isabella. Not once did I ever demand you say the words back to me. You did that all on your own. I suppose what you didn’t know was that you had my love whether or not I had yours. You didn’t have to lie to kick it. I just wanted you to let me love you.”
“Julian…”
“If all you wanted was a good, hard fuck, then you just should have said so, Isabella.” Julian opened the door and slammed it shut behind him.
Jesus Christ, what just happened?
Chapter 19
Pride: Because you can’t take back the things you said!
Isabella~
I sat at my desk absorbing nothing. Julian never came back home last night and I was too hurt and upset to call him to find out where he was.
We were both in the wrong last night and I wasn’t going to beg him to come home when he should have wanted to come home regardless of the fight. I even stopped myself from calling the girls because I didn’t want to know if he was crashing with Nick or Chase.
I spend the entire evening cleaning up the living room and that had taken me well into the night. I finally showered at 11:00 and laid down around midnight, but sleep didn’t come until around 2:00.
It’s not like I wasn’t taking responsibility for my issues. I mean, Julian was right when he said I didn’t fully trust him, but it wasn’t personal. I didn’t fear loving or trusting him. I feared the chance of hurt and disappointment. And, yeah, maybe I unfairly projected that onto Julian, but I never imagined he’d turn on me. But I did know one thing for sure.
I was not my mother.
I was not going to beg any man to come home to me or be with me or love me.
If Julian decided this was it, no matter how devastated I’d be, I’ll put on my big girl panties and learn to live it with.
I would not beg.
And, well, maybe if our relationship can’t withstand a serious fight then we weren’t meant to be together. I mean, if love conquered all, we’d all still be with the first person we ever thought we were in love with, right? I mean, people lose the love of their lives all the time and they move on. They’re able to remarry and be happy.
My unsuccessful pep talk was interrupted when a knock sounded on my office door and I looked over to see Janie walking in. “Hey,” I greeted her.
“Hey, Isabella, I just wanted to tell you that Stella called and said she refused a bouquet delivery for you,” she said, looking a bit worried.
With everything going on with Julian, I couldn’t find much emotion in me to care about another bouquet of flowers. “Did Stella say if the delivery person was upset or anything?”
“I asked her how it went and she said the girl seemed surprised, but if the flowers weren’t welcomed, then she completely understood and left,” Janie replied as she took a seat in Mr. Uncomfortable. “I’m just a little concerned, what with this being the first delivery refusal. What if he loses his mind and comes for you or something?”
I kind of hoped he did. It would take my mind off Julian that’s for sure. Not to mention, this entire semi-stalker crap would be over with. “Well, he can’t get to me without a vetted appointment now th
at security and reception are aware of the situation, so there’s that. Plus, I’m walked to and from the building. Even if he did come after me, he’d have to shoot at me if his intentions are to cause me harm.”
Janie blanched. “How can you be so cavalier about this?”
I sighed. “I’m not, Janie. I’m taking this very seriously. But I also happen to realize that his actions are beyond my control until I find out who he is or he makes a move.”
She grinned. “I guess it doesn’t hurt that you have a boyfriend that the devil himself wouldn’t even cross.”
It took the last remains of my strength to smile at the mention of Julian. “Yeah, I suppose it does.”
I kept the smile on my face as Janie stood up to leave. “Well, okay. I just wanted to let you know about the delivery so you’d be more vigilant from here on out. There’s no predicting how he’ll take this,” she shared, unnecessarily.
“Thank you, Janie. I promise to take care and I’ll let my driver know about the delivery,” I assured her.
She walked out of my office and I sat back in my chair. I closed my eyes wishing the world away. I stayed like that wondering if I should text Julian about the flowers. Would he consider it another secret if I didn’t tell him? Did he even want to know anymore?
When I had walked out of the house this morning knowing Julian hadn’t come home, I half expected for Garrett to be no show. I let myself believe it must mean we were going to be okay, when in all actuality, it could just mean that Julian wasn’t a heartless dick and he didn’t want any harm coming to me.
My office phone rang forcing me to take my head out of my ass, and because it wasn’t completely removed from my anus, I answered without looking at the caller I.D. “Isabella DeLucci,” I opened.
“Jesus Christ, Isabella. I have been calling and leaving you messages for days,” my mother’s voice screeched across the line. “Is it really that much of a hardship to respond?”
Claiming Isabella Page 22
