Like I’d been for the past three years.
“Thank you, Cian.” Aiden stepped back looking like I’d just given him the best gift. “I won’t let you down.”
“I know,” I said with a hint of a threat and bumped my elbow with him.
“What’s next?” Aiden consulted his agenda.
“Commerce.”
Aiden nodded, no sign of disappointment or boredom. “How much time do we have before then?”
Lewis approached us from the other end of the hall and cleared his throat. “Ten minutes.”
“Good, we have enough time to talk,” Aiden said. He shot me a meaningful look as George and Lewis stopped walking giving us some space.
“What do you want to talk about?”
“Why you’ve been so out of it since you got back.” He folded his arms.
I peered over his shoulder, trying to appear uninterested. “I’m not sure what you’re talking about.”
“Your head has been somewhere else. You zoned out in the last meeting and last night when Isla asked you about the gala next week you didn’t even hear her.”
“It was a long tour.” I straightened my suit jacket. I wasn’t familiar with him calling me out on this. I was supposed to be the one in control. “I’m still adjusting back to normal life.”
His eyes narrowed. “Something happened while you were away.”
I stared back at him, revealing nothing. At least, attempting not to. “Nothing worth mentioning.”
“You’re lying.”
I chuckled. “No, I’m not.”
He nodded. “Your left eye twitches when you lie. It twitched, so what are you hiding?”
I’d kept Serena from Isla, I wasn’t going to break now. If I told Aiden it would be a matter of minutes before the entire palace knew. I didn’t need the pity looks following me around while I was trying to work.
“Nothing. Just let it go.” I turned and took a step but he blocked me.
“Cian, you can talk to me.” His voice was low. I could tell he was worried and part of me wanted to confide in him, but I didn’t want to distract from our next meeting. We had too much to do today to take time to gossip about my broken heart.
“Tonight. I’ll tell you tonight.”
He scanned my face before finally agreeing. “Fine.”
As much as I wanted the rest of the day to drag on, it went by in a blink. We went to the pearl gallery where we ate lunch when there were no guests to entertain. Isla and Charlie were waiting for us. Aiden rushed to Charlie sitting next to her and placing a kiss on her cheek while I sat at the head with Isla to my left.
“So, you’re finally going to tell us what’s been going on?” She sounded a bit impatient, and the temptation to stand up and leave crossed my mind. They wouldn’t leave this alone once I told them, and I wasn’t sure I was ready for that.
“Yes.” The first-course salad was served but no one moved to take a bite.
“Well then?” Isla gave me a pointed look.
There was no use in trying to delay. They would just ignore their food and it would go to waste. I didn’t want that on my conscience so I decided to let it all out at once and let them sort through the information.
“At the end of the tour, I stayed with a university mate, David. You guys remember him?” When Isla and Aiden nodded, I kept going. “The first night I was there I met his two sisters, Serena and Vanessa. I actually met the older one, Serena, at my last signing but that was pure coincidence.” Or divine intervention.
Isla rose a single eyebrow but remained silent.
“I’ll admit, I was attracted to Serena from the moment I saw her, but she didn’t appear to be interested in me. She went out of her way to avoid me and turned down an invitation to meet with their governor. But eventually, she opened up to me. She’s such a giving person. She volunteers at a children's hospital and animal shelter. She travels the world building orphanages and schools for less developed communities. She’s a true inspiration and when she finally let me in, I couldn’t help but develop feelings for her. I know she felt it too, but she was scared. I asked her to come back with me, just for a visit, but she said no. She couldn’t leave behind her family and obligations.”
There was a beat of silence before Charlie sighed and Isla reached for my hand. “Oh Cian. No wonder you’ve been so despondent. You left your heart in Los Angeles.”
I sighed. “I suppose I did.”
Charlie and Aiden shared a look before Aiden spoke. “You must go after her.”
Charlie leaned forward. “Don’t let her get away.”
“How? I can’t leave again. I have responsibilities here.” Aiden opened his mouth but I waved him off. “I’m passing off as much as I can, but I do have things I must take care of.”
He leaned back in his chair and nodded.
“She doesn’t believe she belongs in this world. She doesn’t think she’s worthy of me.”
Isla grabbed her chest. “Oh, poor darling. You must talk to her. Let her know your feelings haven’t changed.”
I closed my eyes. I couldn’t believe I was getting relationship advice from my siblings, but they weren’t wrong. I did need to reach out and let her know I missed her.
“Isla’s right. If she was feeling insecure before she must be lost in her head now. You have to let her know your feelings haven’t changed with you being home. You need to let her know you miss her.” Charlie folded her arms across her chest. “Invite her to come again. If a girl like me can feel at home here, then your philanthropist can too. I’ll be here to make sure of that.”
Her words soothed me. Charlie understood exactly where Serena was coming from. If I could just get Serena here to meet my family and see my real world, I might be able to change her mind. Serena only saw the life I lead in the public eye. She didn’t know I spend most days in the palace in meetings. The events I leave for were heavily photographed so it probably seemed like more of my life was exposed.
Serena had to see it for herself to believe it.
“Do you think you could talk to her before then? If I can’t convince her?” It was uncomfortable for me to ask Charlie, or anyone, for help. I was the problem solver. I was the rock for everyone else.
Her smiled softened. “Yes, of course.”
Aiden and Isla seemed pleased so I nodded and gazed down at my plate. My nerves were far too wound up and my appetite had fled.
Isla waited only a few seconds before breaking the silence. “You could call her now.” She checked her watch. “Oh no. It’s only four am there.”
Charlie laughed. “Yeah, give her a few hours.”
“Right.” I just had to survive the next three or four meetings. I could call her tonight before dinner.
Aiden smirked. “We’ll keep you distracted until then.”
That was the last thing I needed. They were being mature at the moment but I knew that could change with a single word. I couldn't handle their heckling, and it was sure to begin soon.
“I appreciate that,” I said, “but I’m going to prepare for the meeting with the Treasury. I’ll meet you in the green room.”
He nodded his response as I stood and left. I didn’t have anything to prepare, and I had almost an hour to spare so I headed outside. The air held a chill, but it was still warm enough for a walk without a coat.
I cut through the garden and made it to the lakeshore in just a few minutes. Across the still, blue water I could make out my favorite place, the one I’d told Serena about. The green mountains surrounding the water camouflaged my small inlet, but the bent tree jutting out horizontally over the lake was my indicator. I wanted to show this to her in person. I wanted to share my world with her. Was I really not enough for her? It felt that way when she told me she couldn’t leave America.
She could.
She was able to leave behind the hospital and shelter. She was free to submit grant proposals from anywhere with internet access. Her family had the means and desire to visit her.
If she wanted to try, she could.
I was locked into a location. There was no legal way I could move to L.A. otherwise, I would already be making arrangements. My leaving permanently would mean my abdication. If it were simply a matter of giving up the right to the throne, I’d almost consider it. Abdicating would be turning my back on my family, the country, and its people. It would be giving up everything I’d worked my whole life for.
Serena said she couldn’t leave L.A., yet she moved to various countries for months at a time. Why couldn’t the country be Lochland this time?
I ran my hands over my face and reminded myself that I didn’t have the full picture. There had to be more she wasn’t telling me.
If there wasn’t, she couldn’t hide behind those excuses for long. Unless…unless she didn’t feel the same way about me.
That was enough to make my stomach clench and my throat close. It couldn’t be that. She wouldn’t have led me on the way she did. She wouldn’t have told me she had feelings for me.
I had to hold onto what I felt. It was all I had left. No, there was more I could be doing. I had promised myself when I got back, I’d work on the children’s hospitals. My secretary had already set up some meetings for my team to meet with the administration to get things started. I just needed to give my approval on the cost and designs.
Maybe if she saw that I’m serious about this work she would understand how serious I was about her.
13
Serena
“Vanessa, I got it. Enough.” I yelled at my phone and tossed it in my purse. My sister hadn’t stopped sending me pictures and articles about Cian and what he was up to for three days. He announced that all children’s hospitals in the country would be getting updated. The décor would be more cheerful and each wing would have a fully-equipped playroom and therapy room.
He was doing what I’d done here. He listened to me. He saw what was important to me and made it important to him.
It was almost enough to get me to answer his calls. Almost.
Sure, what he was doing was amazing, impressive, something I was so proud of, but that didn’t mean we worked well together as a couple. If anything, it was a glaring reminder of how different we were. I was able to work at and update one hospital. He was working on ninety-seven. Granted, he had the budget of Lochland on his side.
It also didn’t help that he looked good. I couldn’t help but remember how close we’d been at the observatory. It was so comfortable. I was able to be myself, laugh with him, and be honest.
I missed that.
I missed him.
I didn’t want to admit it, especially not to David and Vanessa, but I was hurt. My heart had broken the night he left. According to Michelle, I wasn’t doing a stellar job of hiding it, but I was trying. I needed to let go and forget about the prince.
When I reminded myself that he wasn’t just Cian it was easier to let it go.
Even if things worked out between us, it would never be just the two of us. We’d have his family, the crown, the entire country watching us. I’d be in a relationship that the entire world watched. That wasn’t what I wanted. No matter how badly I wanted to be back with him.
The best thing I could do to take my mind off things was to leave. I could find an existing project to help out on. I could even go to teach somewhere. I had enough connections that I could find something within a few days. I’d be out of the country and without a phone by the end of the week.
If I wanted to, but is that really what I should do? It felt like running from my problems which wasn’t something I wanted. I’d always done these projects and trips because it brought me joy to be of service to those in need. Going now would be selfish. It would be a distraction from what I really needed to be doing, figuring out my heart and mind.
My phone buzzed in my bag but I ignored it.
When it went off again, I checked the screen to make sure it wasn’t an emergency. It was Vanessa.
I debated ignoring it but figured she’d just keep calling.
“Vanessa, now’s not a great time.” I gazed around the empty shelter. We hadn’t had anyone come in to see the animals this morning and I’d already cleaned the kennels. She didn’t need to know that, though.
“Then I’ll be quick. Have you seen the pictures I sent?”
“I saw a few.” I wasn’t going to admit I’d read every article she sent until I had it memorized and stared at the images until I saw them with my eyes closed.
“Then you know he’s working on the hospitals?”
“Yeah.”
“So, you know he’s doing that for you?”
“You can’t prove that.”
She sighed. “You didn’t read the latest one I sent. There’s a direct quote from him saying he met a woman that changed his life and inspired him to do this. The press is losing their mind trying to figure out who this woman is.”
I cringed. “He didn’t give my name, right?”
“No.” She sounded disappointed. “But a reliable source could leak it.”
“You wouldn’t dare.”
“If you don’t do something soon, I might. You at least need to return his calls.”
“No, I really don’t. In fact, it’s a moot point. I’m leaving soon for another service trip.”
“Serena, you do wonderful work. I admire the service you give. You know I look up to you for it, but right now you’re being a big fat scaredy-cat. You need to woman up and admit you have feelings for him and tell him that. You can’t run off to some remote area and hide. If you did, I promise you I’ll tell him where you went.”
“Then I won’t tell you.”
“You’ll tell David and mom and dad. I’d find out eventually.”
She was partially right. I could tell our parents I was leaving without giving too many details, but David would know everything. I couldn't leave the country without having at least one family member know where I was and how to get a hold of me.
“Go ahead, Serena. Run, but he’ll come after you.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I do.”
I rolled my eyes. “You couldn’t possibly.”
“You might not be answering his calls, but that doesn’t mean the rest of us are.”
My heart froze. “What are you talking about?”
“David and he are still best friends. They talk.”
“And you?”
There was a pause. “I’ve talked to him, too.”
Ugh. My own family was against me. They were the ones that were supposed to have my back and take my side. “Why would you do that, Vanessa? You know how I feel about him. I don’t want to drag things out.”
“Exactly!” She shouted in my ear. “I know how you feel about him. That’s why I’m talking to him and that’s why I’m mad at you. All you’re doing is hurting the both of you. The longer you drag this out the more heartbreak goes around.”
“Why can’t you leave this alone? This is my life, not yours.”
I knew I was being petty at this point. I was one wrong word from crossing the line and saying something I couldn't take back.
“I can’t leave this alone because you’re both miserable and you’re both putting me in the middle. Talk to him and I won’t have to.”
She hung up before I could reply.
She was a teeny tiny bit right. She wouldn’t have to go back and forth between us if I just answered his calls, but I wasn’t ready. I didn't want to talk to him until I knew I could without losing it. I knew the second I heard his voice again I’d crumble. I’d give in and run to him. I needed to be stronger than that.
The hurt I was experiencing now would be nothing compared to if things continued. I knew my feelings would grow stronger. I’d become more attached. I’d want him even more. I hated being the bad guy, but someone had to have the foresight to know how this would end. I was nipping it in the bud before either of us got our hearts broken.
With all the strength I could muster
to rebuild my resolve I pushed him out of my mind and went to the first kennel to start walks. Who needed a prince when I had a beagle wagging his tail and looking at me like I was the most important person in the world?
“Hi Turner. You want to go for a walk?” I slipped the collar around his neck and clicked it in place.
We left through the back exit and I nearly shrieked when I saw someone waiting for us. “David?”
I waited for my heart rate to return to normal while Turner jumped at my brother’s knees. He rubbed the dog’s ears then straightened and met my gaze.
“Hey.” He sounded cautious.
“What are you doing here?”
He nodded toward the walking path that circled the shelter. We fell into step next to each other with Turner excitedly leading us.
“Sorry to show up unannounced, but you’ve been so busy this week. I didn’t know when I’d see you at home.”
I nodded but didn’t offer an explanation. I needed to stay busy, and alone. Vanessa kept hunting me down and lecturing me on my mistakes whenever she was around me so I’d stayed away and found things to keep me busy.
“I’m worried about you.”
I paused, to the disappointment of Turner who tugged on the leash. “Why?”
David smiled sadly at me. “You’re hiding and that’s not who you are. I know you and Cian…got along.”
I blushed at his attempt to describe the feelings between me and his best friend.
“I know that he misses you and judging by your behavior this week I know you miss him too.”
I remained silent and kept walking.
“I admit it’s a little weird for me, but I can’t think of anyone better for my little sister.”
His words caught me off guard. “Really?”
He nodded. “Cian is one of the best people I know. He’s probably the one person more self-sacrificing than you, which is what makes the two of you so frustrating.”
I knew that about Cian, and it was one of the things that were keeping us apart. His life wasn’t completely his own. He belonged to Lochland. I didn’t know if I could have a life like that. I love to travel and see new places and help people where I went. I couldn’t be stuck in one place.
His Royal Regret: Royals of Lochland Book 2 Page 10
