Closing my eyes, I pinch the bridge of my nose as her hazel brown irises haunt the darkness of my mind. I’ve caused her nothing but pain in life. We all know that she’s better without me. She can heal with time on her own. So why the fuck can’t I get away from even the thought of her? Why do I have such an unwarranted need to be with her?
I can never make things right between us.
We were never destined to be anything but a pile of wreckage left in my wake.
Hadley will always be better off without me...
5
Hadley
It’s been a few days since I ran into Troy at work, and I can’t seem to shake his words that continue to haunt my mind. He came from left field with the outlandish suggestion he had. In fact, it wasn’t even a suggestion, it was more so a demand. If he thinks that seeing or talking to Ander is going to bring me any sense of closure, he’s got another thing coming to him.
There is no such thing as closure when it comes to Ander and me.
We may be over, but our story never will be.
The room goes silent as I nestle deeper into the covers and stare up at the stark white ceiling. I pull the cover away from my face and turn on my side to face the TV to find the rude-ass message from Netflix. Of course, I’m still here watching. As if I don’t already feel like a steaming pile of shit, Netflix has to constantly ask me if I’m still here, like there’s something else I should be doing instead.
This has become the extent of my life outside of work now. I lie around by myself, wallowing in my own misery and self-loathing. I know that this isn’t how I should keep going in life, but what the fuck else am I supposed to do? After Ander and his addiction coming to light, I cut anything addictive from my life. The only things I do anymore is smoke cigarettes and have an occasional drink.
I saw firsthand what addiction does to someone, and I lived through the damage that it causes to innocent bystanders. Eliminating any possible addictive elements from my life is necessary to my survival. At one point, it could have been said that I had a problem, or I partied too hard. It wouldn’t take much to push me over the same edge that Ander fell from.
Grabbing my remote from the nightstand, I quickly hit the play button and zone out on another true crime documentary as it comes on. I can’t solve a goddamn problem in my life, but I’ve gotten pretty damn good at solving the murders and mysteries that keep popping up on these shows. Maybe that’s the path that I need to take in life instead of the one I had been headed down.
A shrill ringing sounds in the room from my nightstand and breaks through my thoughts. Turning my head to the side, I glare at it as I grab the vile piece of plastic and hold it in front of my face. I thought that I had turned it off today and with good reason, but that must have just been in my imagination.
“Hello?” I say with a bored tone into the speaker as I answer the call.
“Happy Nineteenth Birthday, sweetheart!” my father sings into the phone and I can hear the smile on his face. “How’s the beautiful birthday girl today?”
Ah, yes. Today is my dreadful birthday... a holiday that my father is so hellbent on celebrating every year, but it’s one that I’ve avoided since my mom died. It just isn’t the same without her sugary cakes and our tradition of having a pool day and catching a movie.
“I’m good,” I reply through a yawn. “I worked late last night and am still in bed.”
“Well, you better get up and celebrate the day before it’s over!” My dad pauses. “Is everything okay, sweetheart?”
A sigh slips from my lips and my nostrils flare as my eyes close and I pinch the bridge of my nose. “Everything is fine, Dad,” I lie through clenched teeth. My father knew the bare minimum about what happened with Ander and put him at the top of his shit list. Even without knowing the extent of what happened, he was still ready to go to bat for me and kick his ass if he needed to.
My father is silent for a moment before his voice drops to a quieter tone. “I know things are different and will never be the same, but you know that you can talk to me about anything, right?”
I know that he misses Mom as much, if not more than I do. My heart breaks at the sound of his voice, hearing the sorrow and pain laced within his words. A few years have passed, but that doesn’t mean that his wounds aren’t as fresh as they were the day she passed away. Her death will always haunt him and drown out the happiness in his life. That’s just the way it has been and always will be. He’s a broken man without the other half of his soul, and I can’t help but feel like we’ve both experienced similar things.
Ander wasn’t my first love, but he was the most impactful. I’ve had no problems moving on in the past, even after that dickhead Christian in ninth grade that took my virginity and showed the entire school the video he took of it. They were all minuscule cracks in my armor that never truly affected me.
Ander left more than a crack—he completely ruined me.
“Thanks, Dad,” I tell him with a small smile. “I really appreciate that and the fact that you’re always there. No matter what, you’ve never left my side.”
“And I never will, Hadley,” he assures me quietly. “You’re my baby girl. I will do whatever I need to to keep you safe.”
My bedroom door flies open in a rush and bounces off the wall as the handle smacks it with force. I don’t sit up. Instead, I merely direct my gaze to the doorway, catching Sloane’s eyes as she stands there with her hands on her hips. She bounds into the room and plops down onto the bed, just barely missing my legs that are buried underneath the covers.
“Who’s that?” she questions me and waggles her eyebrows. My dad had been talking the entire time, but Sloane and her grand entrance completely fucked up my focus. There’s way too much going on and my mind refuses to cooperate.
“Hey, Dad,” I interject, stopping him mid-sentence. “I hate to cut you off, but Sloane just got in here and I gotta run.”
“Hey, Dad!” Sloane yells with a smile.
My father chuckles lightly. “You two better not get into anything that you shouldn’t be doing, got it?”
“Yes sir,” I mock in a reassuring tone. He doesn’t know half of the shit that we’ve gotten into this past year. Shit, he somehow is still blind to all of the shit that I did while I lived under his roof. We quickly exchange goodbyes and I rush him off the phone with an ‘I love you, call you soon’.
After I end the call, I quickly turn my phone on vibrate and lock the screen before tossing it onto the plush down comforter. I roll onto my back, dragging the comforter back up to my chin, and burrow deeper into the fluffy pillows. The bed shifts as Sloane gets up and dips back down under her weight as she flops down beside me with her head landing on the pillows.
“You wanna talk about what’s going on?” she questions me quietly.
“Nope,” I concur, still staring anywhere but at her. Sloane’s the farthest thing from a judgmental person, but I can’t help but feel like I’m under scrutiny when she traps me like this.
“Is this what you’re planning on doing all day?” she asks, not bothering to continue with her questioning when she clearly already knows what’s going on.
I turn my head to the side to face Sloane. “Yep.”
She stares at me for a second before nodding. “Cool,” she replies with a look of indifference as she directs her attention to the TV. “It’s your birthday. If you wanna be a Debby Downer all day, I’m here for it.”
“Thanks,” I admit, offering her a small smile.
“Thank me later.” Sloane shrugs. She glances at me with a mischievous look in her eyes. “I said I’m here for it during the day. Tonight’s a different story, so I don’t wanna hear shit from you when it’s time to go out.”
Sloane winks before turning back to the screen. I glare at her and pull the covers back over my head with a huff. Leave it to her to force me to move on with my life. I should be grateful and welcome the distractions, but it makes me feel even more like shit.
&nbs
p; I can’t help but feel like by moving on, I’m leaving Ander behind and I can feel him staring me down through the rearview mirror as I drive away without him.
Maybe that’s what I need to do to move forward... he lives in my past and that’s where he will always stay.
Perhaps it’s time to leave the past in the past.
6
Ander
“ANDER!”
My eyes rapidly bounce from side to side under my eyelids. It’s as if they’re glued shut and I’m stuck hearing everything from a distance. It’s very similar to drowning, being trapped underwater, unable to do anything. All I can do is float and hope I break through the surface at some point.
“WHERE THE FUCK IS HE?!”
The sounds are distorted as if the soundwaves aren’t entirely hitting my eardrums. I can’t distinguish the voice between a stranger or Hadley. It’s as if my mind knows that she’s a safe place and every sound I hear sounds like it’s in her voice. It softens the blow, it makes me more tolerant of everything. I burned her to the fucking ground, yet I use her as my own fucked-up safe haven.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
“ANDER!”
Her voice floats into my ears again as she screams my name. My eyelids are still stuck shut and all I can see is darkness everywhere I turn. A lazy smile creeps onto my lips as the sound of Hadley’s voice wraps its warm arms around me. Hadley and heroin—they’re both like coming home.
A loud bang sounds in the distance, rattling throughout my head as I float through the murky waters. I’m so fucking lost, but that’s okay. All of this is okay. My eyes continue to search the darkness when they land on Hadley. My vision is blurry and distorted, but I can make out the outline of her and her soft hazel eyes. She smiles at me as she floats in the distance with her long brown hair trailing after her, spreading out in the water.
Hadley motions for me to follow her as she turns her back to me. I watch for a moment as her arms move through the water in front of her, carrying her away from me. An unwarranted panic begins to build inside me as I watch the distance between us grow. I wave my arms in a frenzy, struggling to tread water and swim after her.
Hadley’s warmth vanishes with her and I’m left alone in the water, completely submerged. It sucks me into its depths and I’m fucking drowning without her.
Crack.
I’m abruptly pulled from the murky waters with such force. My face is on fire and the entire left side stings. In a rush, my eyes fly open and I struggle to focus on my surroundings. My vision is blurry and someone stands over me with their entire frame looming above. The bile quickly rises up my throat and my stomach heaves from God knows what. Rolling onto my front, the acid burns my nostrils as I violently empty the contents of my stomach onto the floor.
“That’s fucking gross,” Anya sneers from above me. “You better not get any puke on my shoes.”
My stomach heaves once more, but there’s nothing else left to come out. A sigh slips from my cracked lips as I catch my breath and my tongue is dry. It sticks to the roof of my mouth as I attempt to roll it around inside. With what little energy I have, I spit the small amount of saliva in my cheeks and it lands on the floor, just missing Anya’s feet.
I roll onto my side as everything comes back into focus and I look up at her pissed off expression as she cuts her eyes at me. “Did you need something?” I croak.
“A new fucking roommate,” she growls and crosses her arms over the mosquito bites on her chest. “You gotta go if you’re not gonna carry your weight, dude.”
Ignoring her, I close my eyes and drag a sweaty palm over my face. My cheek still stings from where she had slapped me. I take another deep breath and slowly pull myself into a sitting position and then climb to my feet. My legs threaten to give out and I lean against the wall as my thighs shake.
“Ander,” Anya barks and shoves my arm. I lose my balance momentarily and slide against the wall as my one knee buckles. Using what little strength I have, I catch myself and stand back upright. “Did you hear a fucking word I said?”
I struggle to open my eyes even wider and stare back at her. “I don’t fucking know,” I snap at her with a shrug.
“You’re a piece of shit,” she scoffs.
Thanks for the PSA, Captain Obvious.
“And your point is?” I ask with nothing but pure arrogance and indifference.
“My point is, if you don’t get your shit together and start carrying your weight around here, you’re fucking out, man.” Anya shakes her head as her lip curls upward in disgust. “I get it, we all love our fair share of drugs here, but this isn’t a free fucking ride. Not anymore.”
I cut my eyes at her and then nod. A smile tugs at the corners of my lips and a harsh string of laughter slips from my lips. “Tell you what, I’ll make it really fucking easy for you.” I pause, feeling the rage brewing inside. “I’m out of here.”
Anya throws her head back as she laughs loudly like a goddamn hyena. “You’re gonna regret this.” She moves away from me and points to the doorway. “You know where the fucking door is.”
Brushing past her, I walk over to the bed and grab my duffel bag out from underneath it and throw it onto the bare mattress. I rip open the drawers in a fit of rage, pulling them completely out of the dresser. Anya leans up against the wall, watching me with a smirk as they fall in a rush onto the floor. A whooshing sound fills my ears as a wave of dizziness washes over me when I bend over.
In a haste, I grab as much of my shit as I can and shove it into the bag, ignoring the head rush that I get and power through. I don’t know where the hell I’m going, but at this point, it doesn’t even matter. I’m fucking livid at her attempt to threaten to kick me out. If she wants to play that fucking game, I have no problem walking out that front door and never looking back. Living on the streets is better than dealing with her shit anymore. I don’t need her anyway, I never did. All I needed her for was for the drugs that she had been giving me.
I’m a fucking junkie. I can find my own shit anywhere.
“Just know when you walk out that front door, your ass is out. There’s no coming back here, Ander.”
“Noted,” I snap as I rip open another drawer and grab a handful of baggies filled with smack. I pull out a few needles and throw them all into my bag too. “I’ll get you back for this shit too.”
Anya cackles, and my brain throbs against my skull from the sound echoing in my ears. “You’re such a fucking liar. Just take it, I don’t even fucking care if it means that you’re gone.”
Shaking my head, I shoot daggers at her with my eyes and shove past her on my way out of the bedroom. “You’re such a fucking cunt.”
“And you’re fucking dead weight and a dead man walking, so I’m sure you’re gonna waste it all anyway and overdose underneath some bridge,” she taunts as she follows me out into the hallway. “Maybe the rats won’t completely tear your corpse to shreds before the cops find it.”
It takes everything inside me not to turn around and pop her in the fucking face. I’ve never been violent toward women, especially after seeing what my mom went through with my father, but fuck this shit. Anya is barely even a chick in my eyes anymore. All she was was a means to an end. And here’s the fucking end and I’ll gladly see myself out.
Swallowing down the rage, I let her words bounce off me as I stumble down the two flights of stairs and head to the front door.
“Ander, wait!” Anya calls after me, her hooker boots clacking on the wood steps as she stumbles down them behind me. “Look, we can work something out.”
What the fuck is this shit?
First, she wants me out because I’m dead weight and not doing a damn thing to contribute here, and now she’s already backtracking. It would be one thing if she was at least sucking my dick on the side or if we had something, but there’s literally nothing between us. There never has been, except for our arrangement when it came to living together.
As I reach the front door,
my hand hits the doorknob just as Anya wraps hers around my arm. “Ander, just fucking stop!”
Spinning around, the entire room spins with the movement of my body and I instantly get another head rush. This dizziness bullshit needs to stop, but as soon as I can get out of this house and drive that black tar into my veins, it will be gone. I roughly shake my arm, tearing free from her grasp. “What the fuck do you want, Anya?”
“You don’t have to leave,” she pleads, completely changing her tune from a few minutes ago, but that’s what drugs will do to you. Your reality is entirely distorted, along with your emotions and moods. “Just please stay?”
“Fuck off, Anya,” I growl, ripping open the front door. “You wanted me gone, so here you fucking go.”
“I didn’t mean it!” she cries out. “We both need each other, Ander. If you just start helping out or something, I can do even more for you.” Her voice drops an octave into her version of a seductive tone. “I can do so much more for you to make you feel fucking amazing.”
What in the ever-loving fuck.
“Sorry, Anya.” I shrug as a smirk plays on my lips. “Your pussy isn’t the solution to this problem.”
Anya flinches slightly as a red tint creeps up her neck, spreading across her cheeks. She opens her mouth to say something, but she’s abruptly cut off when I slam the door in her face. Without a second glance, I trot down the steps from the front stoop and head down the street.
I don’t know where the fuck I’m going or where I’m gonna stay, but anywhere is better than here right now.
7
Hadley
Standing in front of the full-length mirror, I run my hands down the front of my dress, smoothing out the wrinkles. As much as I didn’t want to go out tonight, I was tired of the disappointed looks that I’ve been getting from Sloane for months now. She’s been understanding of the heartache I’ve been living with, but it wasn’t fair to her anymore. And it’s not fair to me either. I’m nineteen, for Christ’s sake. It’s time I start acting like it and enjoy my life for what it is, even if it means swallowing my pain and locking it deep inside in a little box.
Black Clouds of Cotton (In Vein Series Book 2) Page 3
