I nod. That’s it exactly. He’s made me see it much better. “I only go twice a week.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t deserve to be forgiven more often than that. I should learn to be a better person. I can’t spend my life having a stranger forgive me for something I do to someone else.” I have no idea if I’m explaining this well.
Master Quinten leans his elbows on his knees. “Sweetie, everyone alive makes tiny little social blunders throughout the day. It’s part of life. You can’t punish yourself for them. No one even remembers that you bonked into them on the way down the street. It just happens.”
I purse my lips. I’m trying to understand, but it sounds messed up. Or maybe my way sounds messed up.
“First of all, let me make one thing clear. There’s nothing wrong with using impact play to cleanse your mind so to speak. It’s perfectly fine. Many people do it. There’s also no reason why you should torment yourself by enduring your turmoil for three or four days in a row, waiting until the next time you’re scheduled to go to the club. If it makes you feel better to get spanked every day, do it.”
I suck in a breath and stare at him. “Really?”
“Of course. I promise that’s not a problem. What concerns me is working through your misplaced self-recrimination. I’d like you to make an appointment with my office so we can work through those issues together. Once a week. It’s going to take some time for you to let go of all that noise in your head, but we can do it. I promise.”
I nod.
“In the meantime, let’s talk about age play.”
“I’m only doing it for one day. Just so I don’t have to think about what happened. Tomorrow I’ll face it. I promise.”
“Sweetie, I’m not admonishing you for trying age play. I actually think it’s a good idea. There are several factors all converging to put you in this state of mind at this particular point in your life. I think you might benefit from extending the trial. Let yourself relax. Be five. Play with toys. Watch cartoons. Get a doll. When you come to my office next week, we can reevaluate and see how you’re feeling.”
I stare at him, trembling. “Be little for a week?”
“If that’s okay with you.” Master Quinten glances at Craig. “Is it okay with you?”
Craig hugs me against him again. “Of course. I’ll do whatever you think is best for Leah. As long as letting herself regress to that age isn’t doing more harm than good.”
“I think it can only help right now. It might cause her to put off facing a few things, but that’s okay. She’s overwhelmed. There are too many things slamming into each other in her mind. She might benefit from not facing everything at once. Don’t be surprised if she doesn’t want to be alone. That’s common after an abduction. It’s also common for littles. When you put those two together…”
I glance at Craig. “You don’t mind if I stay here for a week?”
“Of course not, sweetheart. You know I’d like you to stay forever.” He tips my head back and kisses me on the nose. “I’d do anything for you.”
I blow out a long breath of relief. I didn’t even know I was holding it.
“Does the idea calm you a bit, sweetie?” Master Quinten asks.
“Yes, because I don’t want to go back to my apartment. I’m scared.”
“That makes sense, and there’s nothing wrong with that either. Anyone in your shoes would be afraid to go home or be alone. But what about letting yourself be little? How does that make you feel?”
I find myself smiling. “Happy.” And then another thought makes my face fall. “It’s only for a while, right? I won’t be like this forever, right?”
Master Quinten narrows his gaze. “I can’t answer those questions yet, sweetie. We’ll have to explore your options together. Sometimes when people miss out on part or all of their childhood, they benefit from going back to that age and having a do-over so to speak. They flush it out of their systems and go back to living in an adult persona. But sometimes, they find they like living at a younger age and they decide not to go back to the way they were living before.”
I nod, but it scares me.
“Some people come up with a happy medium, spending part of the time in their little space and the rest in an adult persona. Everyone is different. My suggestion is to take a week to let yourself be five. Five is the age you were when your childhood essentially stopped. It’s natural to want to go back to that age. Then we’ll see where we are, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Oh, and let’s address impact play. Instead of setting up a time for Craig to spank you twice a week, why don’t you let him decide when you need a spanking.”
“Okay.”
He shifts his attention to Craig. “Do you think you can sense when she’s stressed out and needs the release?”
“Yes. How often do you think is healthy?”
“There’s nothing wrong with spanking her every day if it helps calm her. Just don’t do it as hard as you would if the scenes were spread out further.”
Craig nods. “I wouldn’t spank her with the same intensity during age play anyway.”
“Good. Then feel it out. Watch for signs of stress, and spank her when she needs the release. It won’t hurt her. Some days she may need it twice. There’s no reason she should let herself get worked up into a frenzy, denying herself the release she craves for days at a time. It’s not necessary. We all relieve stress in different ways. Some of us escape into a book or television. Some of us eat or drink or smoke.”
I’m listening closely. Maybe he has a point, but I’ve spent so long believing I should deny myself and limit permitting myself to get the release I need to twice a week that it’s going to take some time for me to see things differently. Do I deserve to let someone give me what I need more often?
Master Quinten shifts his attention directly to me. “Leah, there’s nothing wrong with asking for what you need or letting Craig give it to you. If spanking your little bottom a few times a day helps you relax, sweetie, then let it happen.”
“Yes, Sir,” I whisper.
I lean my head against Craig’s shoulder, exhausted and uncertain and scared and excited and relieved and nervous. So many things. But mostly I feel like we have a plan, and that in and of itself relaxes me.
After Master Quinten tells me he’s looking forward to seeing me in his office next week, Craig stands and sets me in the corner of the sectional so he can see Master Quinten out the front door.
I curl into a ball against the arm of the couch, shaking a little. That was exhausting and left me drained. I don’t want to have to think about anything. I just want to be.
Craig is back at my side a minute later, his hand on my back, rubbing me soothingly. “I’m proud of you. That was hard to talk about and you unloaded a lot of stuff this afternoon.”
I smile at him. His words of encouragement make me feel better.
“How about we do some online shopping? What do you say?”
I sit up when he reaches for my hand. “What are we going to buy?”
“Everything five-year-old Leah didn’t have when she was five.”
I slide to the floor and skip alongside Craig as we head for his office. I feel lighter and excited.
As soon as he sits in his office chair, I worm myself between his legs and cup his face. “Are you sure you don’t mind being my Daddy for a week?”
He pats my bottom. “You know I don’t, sweetheart.”
“I don’t want you to think I can do it forever. One week at a time.”
He kisses my forehead. “Don’t you worry. The most important thing is for you to be the best, most well-adjusted Leah you can be. Whatever that looks like, I’ll stand by you. Okay?”
I nod and throw my arms around his neck. “Thank you.”
Chapter 14
Leah
I’m excited when I wake up the next morning. I’m not even confused. I know where I am. I’m in Craig’s bedroom. He’s not.
/> I slide to the floor, use the bathroom, and race out of the room in search of him. When I find him in the kitchen standing at the stove, I close the distance and throw myself around his body, hugging him tightly.
He startles and then wraps an arm around my shoulders. “Good morning, sweet girl. You’re in a good mood.”
“Toys are coming today,” I exclaim.
“Yep. A lot of stuff is coming. It’s going to be a busy day. I’ll have to assemble most of that furniture. Do you think you can be good while I’m working?”
“Yes, Sir.” I bounce next to him. I’m still trying to come to grips with this new strange Leah who has totally shed her adult self and become a five-year-old girl.
Craig cups my chin, his eyes dancing. I’m making him happy too. He meets my gaze and holds me steady. “I need a moment with adult Leah. Can you do that?”
I stop wiggling and nod at him. “Yes.” I don’t want to, but I can.
“I know the last thing you want to deal with is work, but do you know if you have anything pressing that needs to be done with regard to your books?”
I chew on my bottom lip for a moment. He has a point. “I don’t think so. I’m in between books, and I’ve been struggling with writer’s block for a while.”
“Maybe we should open your computer after breakfast just to check your email and make sure, okay?”
“Yes.”
He pats my bottom. “Good girl. Can you grab the plates and silverware and set the table for Daddy? Breakfast is almost ready.”
I nod again, eager to help. I feel kind of awkward when I sit around doing nothing while Craig does everything for me. I’m five. Not two. I race to the cabinets and rise onto my toes to open the one where I saw him get out the plates. “I’ll get you a grownup one,” I tell him.
“Okay, just be careful so you don’t drop it. You don’t have shoes on. I don’t want you to end up stepping on shards of broken plates.” I realize he worded that in such a way that tells me he doesn’t care about the plates. He cares about me getting hurt.
It makes me grin as I get everything we need for breakfast and set the table. I even add napkins.
I giggle when he lifts me onto my chair and pushes me up to the table.
He smiles and leans down to kiss me on the forehead. “I love the sound of your laughter.” He holds my gaze for a moment, his thumb rubbing my cheek.
When he releases me to go fill our plates, I feel a shift in the air. Something is happening between us, and it makes me both nervous and excited. I’m happy this morning. Lighter and freer than I’ve been in a very long time. When have I ever been light or free?
Master Quinten was spot on when he analyzed me. I became an adult at five and never looked back. Maybe he’s right. Maybe I’ll benefit from stepping into that headspace I missed out on for a while. For how long though? I can’t be sure, but it feels right and good today.
Craig sets a plate piled with scrambled eggs, bacon, and toast in front of me and hands me another chubby fork. He fingers the frilly shoulder of my sleeveless nightgown. “I like this one. I should have Eve order you a new wardrobe.”
I glance down at the silly nightgown he pulled over my head last night. It’s pink with princesses on the front. I might have had a similar one when I was an actual toddler.
I squirm. “Are you ever going to let me wear panties at night?”
“Nope. I like your bottom bare when you’re in my bed.” He takes a bite of his eggs and points at mine. “Eat, sweet girl.”
I purse my lips, still staring at him.
He narrows his gaze. “Leah…” he warns.
“I’m not in your bed right now,” I point out, needling him.
He chuckles, slowly setting his fork down. “Here’s what I think, and I want you to listen to me closely before you respond.”
I nod, my face heating.
“I think you don’t have the first clue how to misbehave. You’ve been a good girl all of your life, never getting into trouble at home or at school. I bet you’re very sensitive about even making the smallest mistakes. I think a brief conversation that five-year-old Leah had with a stern doctor twenty-five years ago has left a lifelong impression on you.”
I open my mouth to say something but then snap it shut when he lifts his brows, reminding me that I’m supposed to be listening, not speaking. “Sorry, Sir,” I murmur, my face heating even further.
“Case in point. On a scale of one to ten, how badly do you feel right now about almost interrupting me?”
I squirm my naked bottom against my seat. “Seven,” I whisper.
He leans closer and takes one of my hands in his. “Do you rationally think you should feel that badly about opening your mouth, sweet girl?”
I shake my head.
“But you can’t stop it.”
I nod.
“There’s a lot to unpack here, but let’s start with discipline. I haven’t spanked you since Friday night. It’s been a week. You’re practically in withdrawal.”
I lower my gaze, my shoulders slumping. He’s right.
“You went through an enormous life-altering trauma, sweet girl. There was no way I could spank you after that. It’s only been two days since I found you. I’m leery about setting a hand on you, but I get that your needs aren’t being met. Am I right?”
I’m embarrassed. I nod subtly.
“You don’t really care that much about the fact that I haven’t given you panties, do you?”
I shake my head just as slowly.
“You were hoping that arguing with me might get your bottom spanked, yeah?”
I pull my hand out of his and fidget, lowering my hands to my lap and twisting my fingers together. “It’s easier to get spanked as an adult. I choose when I want to get spanked. I set a date and time and even pick a Dom. I need that, Craig. I don’t know how to do it differently.” I lift my gaze, hoping he can see my plea in my eyes.
His eyebrows are drawn together. “Okay, so we have multiple issues to tackle here. One is you getting the physical release you need from impact play. Here’s what I propose. I don’t want to use spanking as a form of punishment for you. It’s too stressful and counterproductive.”
I gasp.
He shakes his head. “Let me finish. How about instead I assure you I will spank you at least once every day. I choose when and where and how. You won’t be scheduling it, but you can relax knowing that at least once every twenty-four hours your bottom is going to get spanked. Not as harshly as I would if it were every four days, but enough to give you the release you crave. Does that work?”
I nod, sitting up straighter, relieved he has found a solution.
“You never know when I might swat your bottom or how hard or how long or whether or not I let you orgasm. Just because I spank you first thing in the morning doesn’t mean I won’t do it again at lunch or dinner or before bed. Got it?”
I smile. “Thank you, Sir.”
“Now, problem number two. I want you to lighten up on yourself. You don’t have to be perfect all the time. Neither adult Leah nor little Leah needs to be perfect. It’s okay to make mistakes. It’s okay to argue with me. It’s okay to disagree or drop things or spill things or cry or even stomp your feet.”
I draw back, my face scrunching. Is he crazy?
He chuckles. “You’ve never stomped your feet in your life, have you?”
“Definitely not.”
“You should try it sometime. It feels good.”
I shake my head. That’s outside of my comfort zone.
“Anyway, you need to do some naughty things, Leah. Start small. You have naughty thoughts, right?”
“Yes. That’s why I like to get spanked. That’s how I forgive myself for having mean thoughts.”
“I want you to act on them sometimes. Don’t hold back. Do it. Instead of spanking you though, I’m going to punish you in other ways that don’t give you physical release. Timeouts. Take away your television privileges. Things like
that. Totally different type of discipline.”
“Okay,” I murmur, uncertain about his plan.
“That removes the stress of feeling like you need to misbehave to get spanked. We’ll separate those two things entirely. Got it?”
“Yes, Sir.”
“Now, when you were young, you made your own rules about things like cooking and cleaning and making your bed.”
I nod.
“I’m going to have rules too. Very strict ones that will make it difficult for you to comply all the time. Just for this week. That way you won’t be able to avoid getting into trouble and ending up in timeout. Hopefully, you’ll realize it’s not a big deal to misbehave sometimes.”
“Okay.” I like this idea. I do better with structure.
He points at my plate. “Finish your breakfast and then we’ll talk some more.”
I pick up my fork and take a bite, chewing slowly as he resumes eating too. I push the eggs around on my plate while I swallow. I’m not interested in eating now.
“Leah, clean your plate and drink all of your milk. You need to eat more. If I serve you something you don’t like, we’ll negotiate how many bites you have to take, but I know you like bacon and eggs and toast. I haven’t given you more than you should be able to eat this morning.”
“Yes, Sir.” I take another bite. I don’t feel like it, but I do it. I’m the one who worries all the time about being underweight, and I’m the one who never eats enough or healthy enough. I take another bite before saying, “I don’t like Brussels sprouts.”
He laughed. “I won’t make you eat any then.” He finishes his breakfast and leans back. “I noticed in your apartment that your office was a mess.”
“Hey now, I know exactly where everything is. It makes sense to me.”
His smile is filled with plotting. “I’ll help you come up with a better system.”
I frown. “My system works fine. It’s not bothering anyone.”
“Are you arguing with me?”
I lift my gaze. “Maybe.”
He stands, his smile switching to a warning smirk. “Finish eating, put your plate in the dishwasher, and go use the bathroom and brush your teeth.”
Convincing Leah (Surrender Book 9) Page 13
