by Rob Reger
THIS is the cage you use? I can’t reach her in there!
[Long silence from the engineers.]
GubGub
[Reluctantly.]
I’ll get a broom. Maybe we can trap her in the corner.
D.
[Heavy sarcasm.]
Oh, well, take your time.
Me
Hey, Dottie, while we’re waiting, how about we go ahead and have Film Night? I brought my ThoughtCorder.
D.
[Staring at me, eyebrows raised.]
Uh………..
[Shrugging.]
Sure, why not?
* * *
So, using the back wall of the lab as a screen, I started projecting my mini-documentary on the aesthetic decline of Seasidetown through the ages. Opening with my memories of picturesque 1790 Seasidetown, transitioning through the gradual commodification of its Revolutionary history, and culminating in a montage of the most garish, plasticized, hideously commercial, and inauthentic aspects of current-day Seasidetown, it tugged at the heartstrings and made even the emotionally challenged Donkey shed a tear.
Then!
Now!
(Boooo!)
Unfortunately it didn’t have the desired effect on Dottie.
* * *
Dottie
[Clapping politely.]
That was very nice. If you like Seasidetown.
Me
[Crestfallen.]
You don’t like
Seasidetown?
D.
I’m leaving the second I get into film school. OK…guys, how about that broom? Attikol will be here soon, and I’d like to get this going.
GubGub
[Stepping forward with the broom. Pushing the handle through the cage bars at me.]
OK…Stand still, now…seriously, don’t—OWWWWW!
Me
Try that again and I’ll sprain your other wrist.
D.
Great, guys! Why don’t you just GIVE HER A WEAPON? Hey—OWWW!
Me
[Back to narrating.]
OK, I have the broom pinned between my arm and chest. I’m using it to push Dottie away from the cage. I’m working on the lock again. BrownTown’s got the camera on me. I’ve opened the fourth minilock.
D.
Guys, Attikol is gonna show up any minute. Could we PLEASE make some progress on restraining her?
BrownTown
Actually, Dottie, I don’t see why we should help you destroy one of the finest lock-picking minds I’ve ever encountered.
D.
Because no one gets in the way of me doing my job. One touch from me, and all your scientific knowledge will be gone.
Me
I’ve opened the fifth minilock. Oh ratscabs—Dumpling and Donkey just got a cable around my waist. They’re pulling me to the back of the cage. I’m trying to cut the cable, but it’s not working! OH MY FRABWAX—is this—
Speedy
It’s tempered unniliquadium alloy!
Me
GLABTACK IT! I don’t have anything that’ll cut this! How dare you! Using my own alloy to trap me—the nerve!
Pigpen
Uh…boss? Are we really gonna stand by and let this happen?
D.
You’d better not get in my way, little man, if you want to know your name two minutes from now.
B.T.
[With deep regret.]
I do hate to see a mind like that go to waste…especially right before she’s finished cracking that lock. But I don’t think we have a choice.
D.
[Stepping close to the bars.]
Thank you, gentlemen.
Me
[Straining as far away from Dottie as possible.]
Dottie, no! NOOOOOO!!!! I have another film to show you!
D.
[Reaching her hand through the bars toward me.]
Nah…that’s cool. Once I rip your thoughts, I can look at ALL your little films anytime I want.
Me
[Talking faster than I ever have in my life.]
Not this one…I’m making it up on the spot! It’s a documentary about Attikol’s unethical labor practices—about how he kept a young psychic working without pay, against his will; denied him contact with his family, forcibly shaved his head, subjected him to verbal abuse and thought-ripping; made him perform his unique talent in front of crowds of strangers, night after night, town after town—
D.
[Frowning.]
Jakey’s working without pay?
Me
Attikol has never given him a penny!
D.
[Removing her hand from the cage. Placing it on her hip in indignation.]
A special talent like his needs to be respected.
Me
And nurtured.
D.
And fairly compensated.
Me
[Seeing a small ray of light (ray of Bright?) in the darkness. Clutching at it with all my strength.]
Well said, Bright Girl!
D.
What Attikol’s doing is just not right. In fact…that is SLAVERY, is what that is.
Me
[My hopes growing.]
But a young documentary filmmaker could infiltrate Attikol’s Caravan of Wonders, expose his slave-driving ways, rescue the young psychic from slavitude, and bring honor to her town and family.
Speedy
[One finger raised.]
Um…"slavitude" is not a word—
D.
[Eyes shining.]
AND lay the groundwork for a HUGE film-school scholarship and a celebrated career.
Me
[Hardly daring to believe it.]
Dottie? Have you just…did you…are you gonna…?
D.
[Shedding a single tear.]
[Raising one fist in the air and pumping it exultantly.]
Bright Girls, I WILL make you proud! I—I have to go. I’m gonna need a camera—so much to do—
* * *
And she ran out of the lab.
* * *
Me
Frakkling jibwax. That was a close one.
S.
Um…you still have a tempered unniliquadium cable around your waist—
BrownTown
Hey, guys, get that off her, would you? I need to see how she finishes my Mastodon Lock! This video’s going up on my blog as soon as she’s done!
Me
[Nodding my thanks to
Dumpling and Speedy as they release the cable.]
[Stepping up to the lock once again.]
So. YOU’RE the lockmaster? Wow. I’d like to shake your hand. Once I get out, that is.
B.T.
I’ve been meaning to ask…didn’t I see you at LockSportCon last year?
Me
[Recognition dawning.]
At the panel on machining picks at home? Right! Loved your presentation.
The dreaded Mastodon lock!
B.T.
Loved yours.
Me
Well…shall we?
B.T.
[Commencing with his video.]
Pick away!
Me
…And that’s the sixth minilock. I have now broken my last pick to useless splinters. Gonna have to improvise. Pulling out a few strands of my hair…twisting them on themselves…folding…twisting again…now to apply a little doxysilicate and OW OW some slight burning of the fingertips, nothing serious, the proteins in the hairs are now hardened beyond the tensile strength of steel…Dumpling is taking notes on my technique…I’m using the hair pick now to move the tumblers in minilock seven…It’s a masterful design; truly I’m in awe of the lockmaster’s prowess…BUT…I am afraid that the Mastodon Lock has fallen. And with that…
[Stepping out of the cage.]
Oh.
[Suddenly very tired.]
Hello, Attikol.
Attikol
What is she doing out of the cage
? Where is Dottie? What is going on here?
Me
[Thinking fast.]
Dottie’s not here yet. But I don’t think you’ll be needing her. Seeing as you have already won the final battle!
A.
I have?
Me
[Giving fierce warning glares to the confused engineers.]
Why, yes! Wasn’t it you who summoned the black rock?
A.
Um…yes…?
Me
[Helpfully.]
I mean that fountain of black rock right behind you.
A.
[Whipping around.]
[Goggling at the fountain of black liquid I was ThoughtProjecting in the rear corner of the lab.]
Black rock!
Me
Yes, black rock, indeed! And congratulations to you. Though you’ll probably want to do some testing to see if this is REALLY your ancestral treasure.
A.
Errr…yes. Testing.
Me
For example, maybe you should imagine the black rock taking the shape of…I don’t know…Mayor Ebenezer?
A.
Good ideAIIIEEAA! It worked!
B.T.
[Getting into the spirit of things.]
[Dropping to his knees.]
Mother of Pearl! Your powers!
A.
My…powers!
Me
That proves it! You have summoned the black rock! You HAVE won the final battle!
A.
[Apparently in shock.]
…Yes!
Me
[Encouraging him.]
You now possess this wondrous fluid! And all the power that comes with it!
A.
I…do!
Me
[Encouraging…Encouraging…]
The ThoughtCorder…The DuplicatoDevice…The Time-Out Machine…all these and more at your fingertips!
A.
Uh-huh!
Me.
[Getting tired of this.]
No one can stop you now!
A.
[Finally…warming up to Gloat Mode.]
Tell me something I don’t know.
Me
Actually…why don’t YOU tell ME? How DID you do it?
A.
[Still looking slightly stunned…but starting to focus on his triumph.]
For 13 centuries, my family has held one secret close to their hearts—this ancient poem: "Celisse dubrayer felidoo / Veribratzer chumb / Saximumber wergivoo / Plimma, farba, trumm.”
Me
[Barely managing a blank stare. Fighting back laughter at Attikol reciting this gibberish in the middle of his Evil Overlord moment.]
A.
Loosely translated, the poem says that the 13th Shady Uncle—that’s on MY side of the family—must battle the 13th Dark Girl—that’s YOUR side—for control of the black rock. Whichever one of us grants the other one his or her deepest wish wins!
Me
I see…
A.
AND, here’s the really SAD part. Sad for you, that is! I haven’t just won for myself, but for the next 13 Shady Uncles! BWUHAHHAHAH!
Me
Horrors! But tell me, O Wise Uncle Attikol…Where did I go wrong? What did you give me that was my deepest wish?
A.
Black rock, you fool!
Me
…And when did you give me black rock, exactly?
A.
[Hearty laughter.]
Have you forgotten the inheritance letter? Supposedly sent from your aunts? Brilliant, wasn’t it?
Me
[Light going on in my brain.]
Oh. That does make a lot more sense now.
A.
[Lost in booming laughter as he reflects on his triumph.]
Me
Well, I appreciate this little talk. I’m sure I speak for all the Dark Girls when I say that truly you are a worthy adversary, and, well, I guess we’ll see you in another 1,300 years!
* * *
And before he knew what was happening, I was out a window and gone.
Later
Am back at the kiosk. Recuperating from the drama of the past hour by sitting under a pile of cats and pondering all that has gone down.
My top thoughts right now:
Am feeling really lucky that my deepest wish wasn’t something easy for Attikol to grant, like a shiny new penny.
And that it wasn’t enough for Attikol to just write a letter “giving” me my deepest wish.
And that he would’ve needed to possess the black rock before he could give it to me—but he’d need to give it to me before he could possess it. Nice!
Though he doesn’t seem at all fazed by this paradox.
Demonstrating once again the irony of paradoxes: Only reasonably intelligent people are flummoxed by them.
Anyhoodle…I have a small window of opportunity here while Attikol thinks he has the black rock.
Cuz black rock CAN’T be his deepest wish anymore, if he thinks he has it…right?
I just gotta find out what was #2 on his list—his CURRENT deepest wish, in other words—and somehow give him THAT.
Preferably before he realizes that he doesn’t actually have the black rock and starts to wish for it again.
But what if his current deepest wish is something tough, like money, fame, or power?
Cuz I really don’t see how I would give him any of those things.
Well, no use what-iffing myself into a tizzy. Clearly the first step is to find out what his current deepest wish might be. It could just as easily be along the lines of a shiny new penny!
Looks like I need to hop in the van and go see Jakey in Salem!
Later
No need to hop in the van. Have read the feeds. Ivac is bringing Jakey back to Seasidetown in time for the next show. Will meet up with him there!
Later
Bad news! I now know what Attikol’s current deepest wish is…but it’s something I can’t give him.
* * *
Me
How was your little road trip to Salem?
Jakey
S’okay. Whazzup?
Me
Could you do a little fishing in Attikol’s mind for me? I urgently need to know what his current deepest wish is. Second to the black rock, I mean.
J.
Ewwwwww!
Me
I wouldn’t put you through this if I didn’t REALLY need to know.
J.
[Sighing.] [Frowning.]
[Concentrating.]
[Looking stunned.]
Uh…you’re not going to like this.
Me
[Being semi-destroyed by suspense.]
Well? What is it?
J.
Um…it’s…YOU.
Me
[Unleashing the “ew” heard round the world.]
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWWWWW
J.
Wait—I should have said YOUR MIND.
Me
Please. Explain.
J.
All that stuff he got from my mind about you…it made him pretty jealous of you. Not just the things you can do, but the things you can IMAGINE doing. Cuz, you know, when he thought he had control over the black rock…well, he couldn’t really think of anything to DO with it.
Me
That’s pretty much what Dottie said. So, he wants my mind? That’s terrible! I need him to want something I can give him.
J.
Well, I’ll keep you posted if anything else comes up. Maybe something shiny will catch his eye and you can give it to him before he buys it himself.
* * *
Aw flivvergrax. How disappointing! I felt like I was doing so well at thwarting Attikol for a while there. And now I’ve hit a wall. Am I EVER going to get my black rock? Am starting to feel sort of desperate. Mind turning to mush. Am going to bed.
May
22
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
—Mitch Hedberg
Am sitting in the audience for Ümlaut’s show. Would really like to forget my worries for a bit…but am painfully aware that my time in Seasidetown is fast running out. Thus, am multitasking. Have been monitoring the feeds on Dottie very closely while I wait for the show to begin. Here is one interesting snippet:
* * *
Dottie
Mom! Mom! You’re not gonna believe this—
Mayor Ebenezer
[Sharp gasp.]
Oh! My precious little girl! You’ve come into your civic pride! I can see it in your eyes!
D.
Are you sure? Because I still want to go to film school, I still think it’s only fair that I get paid for using my talent, and I still hate the idea of holding public office.
M.E.
I have no doubt! Tell me all about it!
D.
I want to be a documentary filmmaker and direct award-winning muckraking pictures, starting with an exposé of enforced unpaid child labor in Attikol’s Caravan of Wonders!
M.E.
Enforced…unpaid…labor? Oh, you ARE an Ebenezer! Your ancestors fought slavery and injustice, too, you know.
D.
So…you’re suddenly OK with me making movies?
M.E.
A Bright Girl must go where her pride leads her. And when you have enough evidence for a warrant, my police force will be right behind you!
* * *
Ümlaut spills his guts for Dottie!
Later
Have talked to Dottie. I ran into her interviewing Ümlaut after his show. She was accompanied by NannyGuard, who was loaded down with a very fancy camera and a lot of sound equipment. It looks like Attikol’s dollars are already at work furthering Dottie’s career!
Here’s what I caught before they wrapped up:
* * *
Dottie
Do you remember when Jakey joined the medicine show?
Ümlaut
Sure, he was just a toddler—barely walking and talking but already able to work a crowd.
D.
And were you aware that Attikol wasn’t paying him?
Ü.
No, I always assumed he was. But I looked in his records like you asked. Here’s what I found.
