by Rob Reger
When you fulfill the ancient fable
Hie as fast as you are able
Where Shady Uncles meet around the table.
Then receive your liquid sable!
Terrible as poetry but pretty clear as directions.
Which is why I came here first.
But…NAGFLAX! No black rock to be found.
May 23
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
—Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
Only two more nights left in Seasidetown!! And my soul is feeling pretty constricted by the pressure to locate my black rock. Having a slight attack of Mush Mind, as well—not surprising after the full-brain rip-and-replace I put myself through. Am calling in the Posse to assist me. Am off to scour the town!
Later
Still no black rock.
I wonder what I’m overlooking? I’ve checked all the likely and unlikely spots I can think of…
OK. Need to break down my thoughts into a nice, orderly flowchart.
Have dispatched the cats to continue the search around Seasidetown for black rock. I am on my way to see Jakey!
Later
Oh vaxdram it all. Jakey tells me that Attikol’s CURRENT deepest wish is to read some of his vile love poems to a hushed, enraptured audience of around fourteen thousand people.
At the Budokan arena…in Tokyo, Japan.
Blearrrrgh.
While I’m mulling over how I could possibly grant this, I’m going to go see Schneider to look at the Shady Uncle family tree.
Later
Have had a VERY revealing conversation with Schneider as we hunkered over said family tree.
Here’s how it went:
* * *
Me
Have you been able to ID all the Shady Uncles? I want to be sure Attikol is really number 13.
Schneider
I think so. At least, for each Dark Girl, I’ve found an unmarried man in Attikol’s family who lived at the same time. And that does make Attikol number 13.
Me
Hmm. Unmarried, that’s it? Anything else the Uncles have in common? I notice they’re all actually uncles.
S.
Except Attikol.
Me
Even though he calls himself Uncle Attikol?
S.
He never had any siblings. And his parents are deceased, so he’s never going to become an uncle, either.
Me
[Looking at the family tree and the OTHER unmarried man in Attikol’s generation.] [Breaking out in a light sweat.]
What…about…Ümlaut?
S.
Two nephews.
Me
[Breaking out in a heavy sweat.]
I gotta go!
* * *
Later
HUGE shocks!
I was running toward the Caravan to have a talk with Ümlaut when I ran into Raven and Ümlaut—together—on their way to see ME!
It was a very surprising conversation.
* * *
Me
What are YOU two doing together?
Ümlaut
Miss Emily, we need to have a talk about Raven.
Me
Is this about her programming?
Ü.
Sort of. Raven?
Raven
[Deep breath.]
Uh………I’m……uh, leaving.
Me
You’re LEAVING?
R.
Uhhhh…………yeah.
Me
That’s it, something is obviously wrong with your programming. Here, let me get a look in there, must be some wires crossed…
R.
No.
Me
NO?
R.
No programming anymore…it’s just me.
Me
Wha—wha—WHAT?
Ü.
I know this must be difficult for you. But the fact is that your golem has transcended her programming.
Me
Um. Wow.
Lovebirds!!?!!
R.
Uhhh…yeah. I’m, uh, declaring myself free.
Me
This is about me using you as a footstool, isn’t it? OK, well, I guess I can respect that.
Ü.
Really? You’re…you’re going to let her go? That’s…wonderful! That’s amazing!
Me
Oh crabsheets. You two aren’t in love, are you? RAVEN??
Ü. & R.
[Very happily.]
Yes!
Me
[Sending silent message to Raven—50% gratitude for her loyal service and 50% “What, him?”]
[Or maybe it was more of a 33/67 split.]
[Sighing.]
Ümlaut—you’re not just using Raven for her immense strength? A girlfriend like that could really keep you safe from Attikol. Not to mention, make him very, very jealous.
Ü.
Oh no. I fully expect Attikol to spend a long, long time behind bars. I’ll be running the Caravan of Wonders without him.
Me
Can you promise me that you’ll take good care of her and let her visit me for regular tune-ups? Cuz I don’t care if this is YOUR DEEPEST WISH, I wouldn’t say yes if you were gonna treat her wrong.
Ü.
It IS my deepest wish. And yes! I promise.
Me
Then I grant your wish! I GRANT IT! Raven, I give you your freedom. Do as you will with it!
* * *
And I felt it right away—a zinging rush of energy.
Gotta go check the Boardroom!
Later-outside Aunt Lily’s house
Fingers crossed that my dream has come true and I am moments away from finding black rock!!!!
Later
I have not found black rock.
The cats and I let ourselves into Aunt Lily’s basement and entered the tunnels (disappointingly dry and empty!) and visited the Boardroom (equally dry and empty)—where we are now. I guess this will teach me never to get my hopes up!!!!!!
Five minutes later
Have just lifted my head off the table after several moments of dejected sighing because something was bothering me about the Boardroom chairs. I was sitting there staring across the table at the Posse, and my eyes kept bouncing between the shape of their heads and the shape of the carvings in the backs of the chairs.
I’m sure I remember the chairs having CAT shapes carved into the backs. Whereas the carvings on these chairs look quite a bit more canine than feline.
Am pretty puzzled by this. Did someone recarve the carvings? It doesn’t really look like it. Of course, it HAS been more than two hundred years…I suppose these might be new chairs. But why DOGS? Granted, I don’t know all there is to know about Dark Girls—but Aunt Lily had a cat, Aunt Emma had statues of cats, and the only relative I know of who had a dog was Uncle Boris.
Who was by no stretch of the imagination a Dark Girl.
And here’s another thing. Two hundred years ago, there were initials carved into the backs of these chairs. The initials of all the Dark Girls who had been here before. One of the things I really wanted to accomplish on this trip was to add my initials to a chair. But I don’t see any trace of initials anywhere! I GUESS they could have worn away over the centuries…I GUESS…
So I just don’t know. Two hundred years is a long time and, sure, a lot can happen…
In secret tunnels that only my relatives knew about?
It’s funny, but I feel SO sure there’s black rock in my Boardroom…even though I am sitting right here IN the Boardroom. So sure, in fact, that I’d sooner believe this wasn’t my Boardroom than believe my Boardroom wasn’t filled with black rock.
Wow, writing that felt really good. Time for a little thought experiment!
IF…
this isn’t my Boardroom,
THEN…
The dog carvings in the chairs would make more sense.
; The Dark Aunts’ initials being missing would make more sense.
Finding Attikol in here would make more sense.
The tunnels being different from my map would make more sense.
The basement of Aunt Lily’s house looking different would make more sense.
The foundation of Aunt Lily’s house looking so damaged would make more sense.
The fact that I couldn’t FIND Aunt Lily’s house would make more sense.
My persistent conviction that black rock would appear in my Boardroom would make more sense.
And NOT finding black rock here in THIS Boardroom would make more sense.
Because this is not my Boardroom.
Those are not my tunnels.
Aunt Lily’s house has been MOVED.
THOSE ARE NOT MY TUNNELS THIS IS NOT MY BOARDROOM OH YEAH OH YEAH OH YEEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!
Yes. It all goes to show that, most of the time, the simplest explanation is the true one. And once I stopped trying to come up with farfetched explanations for the differences and just accepted the truth of what I believed in my heart to be right, then the answer popped into my mind nice and clear.
Later
Have been thinking hard about where my tunnels might actually be. It’s not easy trying to figure out where something used to be, 200+ years ago! Finally I made a late-late-late-night call to Schneider to see if he could shed some light.
* * *
Schneider
[Real grumpy.]
This couldn’t have waited until the sun was up?
Me
Sorry, dude. I have to know if you ever heard anything about buildings getting moved around Seasidetown.
S.
It happened all the time! Especially the historic ones. They might as well have put wheels on some of the oldest buildings, they rearranged things so often.
Me
And are there records of where buildings used to be?
S.
It’s possible, but you never know with that library what you’ll find. I’ll take a look tomorrow…and call you when you’re most likely to be sound asleep.
Me
Very funny.
S.
One other thing I should mention. I think Attikol is bound to notice you’re staying in that old souvenir kiosk.
Me
What are you talking about? I know how to maintain a stealthy environment. We’re practically undetectable!
S.
You almost were. But then the plants started to grow.
Me
What? You mean the plants in the lot? No. Everything’s dead. Crispy and black.
S.
They’re black, all right…and looking really healthy. Have you been watering?
Me
Nope. And I’m sure you’ll excuse me if I need to hang up right now and go look at them.
* * *
Later
The plants are indeed growing!!!
When I got here, the sun was just starting to light up the block, and my first impression when I turned the corner and saw the lot was “Oh, someone’s been watering.”
So I got up close to check into the situation. That’s when I discovered new, tender growth on all the plants.
New, tender, inky-black growth.
And when I really took the time to look at them up close, I realized I didn’t know what to call them. And I must say, I did very well in Plant Identification 101.
BUT…I’m not saying I don’t recognize these plants. On the contrary. I recognize them very well. They’re just like the ones I saw in Great-Aunt Lily’s garden more than two hundred years ago.
The ones she used to water with liquid black rock.
So………
What happened to make them start growing?
Am feeling foggy in the brain. Must get some sleep.
May 24
Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night.
—Edgar Allan Poe, "Eleonora”
Just woke up from a SUPER vivid dream. Not really sure if it qualifies as a nightmare or not. It was all about this cataclysmic eruption of liquid black rock, starting in my Boardroom. It filled the room and started flowing throughout all the tunnels. The cats and I were frolicking in it like we did under Aunt Emma’s house—riding the waves of hot molten rock and LOVING it. Gabflax, it was so real…
I have to find my tunnels, and soon! This is already my eleventh night in Seasidetown. Despite Schneider’s threats to call and wake me in the middle of the day, I haven’t heard from the guy. I guess I need to figure out where my tunnels are on my own!
LATER OH FRABCHEEX
I KNOW WHERE THE BLACK ROCK IS!!!!!!!!
…That is, if I’m right that there IS any black rock to be found, I know where it will be!
I was just sitting around in the doorway of the kiosk, trying to enjoy the evening but feeling a lot of anxiety about it being my eleventh night in Seasidetown, and me still without my inheritance and all.
The moon was rising, and the Posse was frolicking among the black plants in the empty lot. Lovely scene, really, if I could only appreciate it…I took a huge breath, closed my eyes, shook my hair down over my face, and relaxed every one of my muscles…
And promptly fell over onto the ground.
I snorted out loud at myself, alerting the Posse. They stopped their game of hide-and-seek/catch-the-moth/pounce-on-Sabbath and looked over at me as I picked myself up off the ground. And that’s when I had my Moment. It was the coolest thing, and totally reminded me of what happened in the library when we were all studying the floor plan together and the Dark Girl symbol just popped out at me. The moon was at its highest, and I could see all four cats’ eyes glinting at me from the field of black plants, and then all of a sudden I SAW them: hundreds, thousands of Dark Girl symbols all around me.
Because every plant, every flower, every leaf formed it.
I KNOW WHERE THE DARK GIRL TUNNELS ARE!
Later
There is no keeping ME aboveground when I need to be underground!!! The cats and I rushed into the kiosk. I pried up the linoleum with an Uncle Boris Prestidigitation Pointer, and then we all commenced to digging with whatever lumber, souvenirs, future-garbage, nails, claws, or teeth presented themselves. 13 minutes later, Mystery gave a yowl and scrabbled backward out of the hole—she had broken through!
WE ARE IN THE DARK GIRL TUNNELS!!!!!!!!!!!
Later
Taking a break. No black rock yet. We’ve been remapping the tunnels—and YES, they are definitely Dark Girl tunnels! And I’ve found MY Boardroom, complete with cat-carved chairs and Dark Girls’ initials. But still no black rock! Anyway, it’s progress. Will write more later!
Later
BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK ROOOOOOOOOOOOCK!
OH GLORY GLORY GLORY I HAVE MY BLACK ROCK
Here’s what happened:
The cats and I were sitting in the Boardroom wondering what our next step should be. And I thought I should probably take the opportunity to carve my initials into one of the chairs like I’d planned to do.
So I made a little ceremony out of it, walking around the table, checking out the other initials one chair at a time, saying each aunt’s name out loud in turn.
“Amelie LaRue…Leah Ciudat…Aimée Vreemd…Mallika Absonderlich…. Melisende Forestiero…Eleda Märklig…Mildred Különös…Camilla Underlig…Amelia Merwürdig…Millie Estrany…Lily Étrange…Emma LeStrande…
“And ME…Emily Strange.”
And I carved my initials into the last chair.
And caught my breath as I realized that my twelve Dark Aunts were watching me from their seats around the Boardroom table.
I sat down heavily in my chair and looked around the room for a moment, stunned.
* * *
Me
[Whispering.]
Frabbling…jibwax…
Dead Dark Aunt Emma
Aren’t you going to say hello?
/> Me
Ha…heh…hello, Aunts.
Dead Dark Aunt Millie
[Kindly.]
Nnnno neeeeeeed to beee nerrrrrvoussss, Emmmmillly.
* * *
* * *
Me
Sure…at least you’re a familiar face, Aunt Millie. And Aunt Lily, too, though you’re all grown up.
D.D.A.E.
We are ALL quite familiar with YOU, dear, whether or not we’ve actually spoken.
Me
Hey, Aunt Emma…nice to make your acquaintance face-to-face, finally. [Looking all around the table.] And the rest of you as well. So, do you guys hang out a lot here in the Boardroom?
Dead Dark Aunt Camilla
[Laughing.]
Only once in a great while, Emily…when we welcome another Dark Girl to her full powers.
Me
[Solemnly.]
It’s truly an honor for me to be here.
Dead Dark Aunt Lily
[Winking at me.]
I know what you wish to ask. Well, Emily, go ahead!
Me
[Biting my lip.]
I don’t mean to sound impatient, but…am I ever going to summon my black rock? Didn’t I satisfy the instructions by granting Ümlaut’s deepest wish?
D.D.A.E.
[Smiling benevolently.]
Indeed you did, my dear, and thereby summoned black rock. Even now it rises from the depths!
Me
Flabjaxxx! Really?? So…where can I find it?
Dead Dark Aunts
[Pushing their chairs back. Looking under the table, where all four cats were scratching furiously in the dirt.]
Me
Oh no…I’m so sorry…Posse, I thought we were done with all this bad behavior!
Dead Dark Aunt LaRue
Emily, look closer…
* * *
And I leaned down to get a better look at what they were doing. No, they weren’t trying to cover up some disgusting feline indiscretion…they were UNCOVERING something very important.
