by R. G. Angel
I shook my head but to be honest I wasn’t sure of what Caleb was capable of. I already knew my father didn’t think twice about striking me and my cheek muscles twitched at the memory of the sting. I saw how my stepmother flinched every once in a while, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he reprimanded her that way too. Could Caleb be like that? Would he hit me if displeased him?
“I’m not for the moment but I need Ben to help me.”
She looked down at the note she’d folded again. “It’s weird,” she confessed, not giving me any indication of her inclination.
“I know it is but I promise Ben can tell you more.”
She nodded. “You’re Esme, of course I’ll help you”.
“Did - did he talk about me?” I asked, my own eagerness making me blush.
She smiled a little. “Understatement.” She sighed. “Okay, I’ll do it as soon as you leave.”
I couldn’t help myself and pulled her into a hug. She didn’t know what she was doing for me, how priceless the sliver of hope was that she was throwing my way.
I had just walked out when Caleb walked back in, his hands in his pockets.
“No coffee?” I asked with a small smile.
He shrugged. “I changed my mind. Now, the most important question… panties or no panties?” he asked with a teasing smirk.
I blushed, but I had to admit I was quite fond of teasing Caleb. Was he that charming with everybody else? With other girls? I wondered as a wave of jealousy submerged me.
I was so confused by my feelings; everything had always been so clear to me and now I couldn’t help but feel jealous of potential other women when I was organising my own escape far from him. Damn I was stupid.
“Panties.”
He cocked his head to the side with a small sigh. “Pity.”
I rolled my eyes extending my hand to him. “Come on, let’s go. I want that hot chocolate now.”
He didn't hesitate this time and intertwined our fingers as if he actually enjoyed it.
I turned to Alice. “Thanks again for your help.”
She looked from me to Caleb and our intertwined hands, her brow slightly furrowed.
I couldn't blame her, she didn't know Caleb and I were playing a part for the day, she didn't know there were no feelings there, no tenderness – well at least on his part because me? I scarily had to admit that right now I wasn't sure I was really pretending.
“Sure, you take care,” she added before walking into the backroom again.
Caleb kept his eyes locked on the way she disappeared; his eyes narrowing to slits.
I didn’t want him to overthink it. “Let’s go.”
He finally shrugged as if he was letting go of his internal debate and we strolled hand in hand to the coffee van by the Ferris wheel.
“Come on,” Caleb said, pointing at the wheel. “Let’s make it the full dating experience.”
“Okay…” I was starting to suspect he might be enjoying this as much as me.
I looked out as the Ferris wheel started its ascent, the view over the sea was absolutely beautiful as the cold, unforgiving sun reflected on the gentle waves. I was grateful for the glass windows protecting us from the wind.
“It’s beautiful,” I whispered, still looking out as the wheel continued its slow climb. When we reached the top, the wheel stopped.
I let out a choked laugh because I was not really comfortable with the height, but the view was absolutely mesmerizing.
“I’ve never seen the sea before,” I whispered, my nose glued to the window.
“Never?”
I shook my head. “No, my dad… uncle,” I sighed, calling Luke ‘uncle’ felt so unnatural. “We never had much money, so we never went anywhere during the holidays.” I chuckled. “My summers were spent on the football pitch as the water girl as my- Luke trained summer camps.” I sighed. “It’s lucky the wheel stopped here.”
“Luck…” he laughed. “That’s what you call $200.”
I turned toward him, startled by the admission. “You did this?”
He arched his eyebrows. “Don't look so surprised, I’m nothing but calculating and you know that.”
I chuckled. “Yes, but this is – nice, romantic.” I frowned. “I just didn’t think you had it in you.”
He shrugged, rubbing the back of his neck. “We’ve got the wheel all to ourselves for the next 15 minutes, so enjoy the view,” he added, gesturing toward the horizon.
I shook my head turning toward him on the seat. “No, let’s talk.” I wanted to ask him why he hated me, why he was so broken when he seemed to have the dream life from the magazines, why he shied away from any kind and loving gesture but I knew I couldn’t, they were questions for Caleb Astor – a boy who would never open up to me.
“Why do you like Angels so much?”
I was startled by his question and looked down at my half-drunk cup of hot cocoa. I hadn't known he noticed that.
“It’s stupid.”
He shrugged. “Maybe it is, but we established before we’re not above this. Come on, tell me.”
“Will you answer a personal question too, then?”
“Depends on the question.”
I like this honest side of him. “It will be about Theo.”
He looked away, his posture turning rigid, but after a few seconds he turned toward me, relaxed again. “Okay.”
I looked heavenward, this was one of my best-kept secrets, I was not even sure Luke knew why I was so obsessed.
“Well you see my – Luke told me my mother died at birth.”
“Okay…” he trailed off, his whole posture radiating disapproval. “That’s quite a weight to put on a kid but go on.”
“Yeah, anyway – I went to the library sometimes with an old lady living nearby when Luke had episodes. This was what we called it when he went on benders, again not really the point here.”
“No, but maybe it should be,” he replied darkly.
I scowled at him, I wanted to tell him that at last Luke didn’t mess me up on purpose, at least I knew he loved me unconditionally and made so many sacrifices for me. I wanted to tell him the truth, but he wouldn’t understand.
“Anyway, this old lady told me stories and one of them was the story of a little girl collecting feathers so she could pay an angel to go to heaven and speak with her mom.” I took a shaky breath and turned toward the sea. “So, I thought,” I closed my eyes, resting my forehead against the glass. “I’m not sure what I thought.”
He stayed silent for a few seconds and I was startled when I felt his hand take mine. “It was not stupid, Esme.”
I looked at his hand on mine. “Tell me about Theo.”
“You like my brother, don’t you?”
I couldn’t help but smile at the thought of Theo.
He sighed. “I found out about my brother when I was five years old,” he admitted, stroking my knuckles with his thumb absentmindedly. “My father is obsessed with perfection and Theo was a flaw in his perfect family picture, a defect that needed to be hidden away.”
I was surprised that it was his father who hid Theo, I somehow expected that from his mother but not his father. “I’m sorry.”
He shrugged. But I knew it touched him more than he admitted. “Theo’s our family’s dirty little secret, he’s treated well in the centre, he’s happy there so I don’t fight it. Part of me even thinks he is better there than in the cold, unfeeling house. I go see him every week, he is happy.”
“He is a gift,” I admitted.
Caleb detailed me for a second as the wheel started to go down slowly and we both sighed with our disappointment. Who would have thought we would enjoy some alone time?
When we reached the bottom, Caleb helped me out and kept my hand in his as we walked back to the parking lot.
I took a sip of my drink.
“So, orange hot chocolate huh?”
I nodded. “It’s amazing, do you want to try it?” I extended my cup toward him.
He stopped, turning toward me, glancing at the cup before looking at my lips.
“I would much rather taste it on you,” he whispered huskily, taking a tentative step toward me.
My heart dropped in my chest at the thought of his lips on mine. I wanted that more than I cared to admit. I looked at his lips and nodded.
He wrapped a possessive arm around me and pulled me against him.
He brushed his lips against mine softly, once before starting to kiss me gently, softly as if I was breakable, precious – it was a kiss I never thought Caleb could ever give me, ever give anyone – I didn't think he had this softness in him.
When he ran his tongue on the seam of my bottom lip I didn’t think and opened my lips, inviting him in. I let the cup fall and wrapped my arms around his neck, playing with the short hair there, making him growl softly against my lips and pulling me closer.
When we broke the kiss, both breathless and flustered, he rested his forehead against mine.
“I liked that chocolate,” he whispered. “Remind me to order one next time we come here.”
I couldn’t help the warmth his comment caused me. “Yes, but I do like the way you tried it,” I admitted truthfully.
He pulled back a little and detailed my face, I wasn’t sure what he was looking for but what he saw made him smile. And it was not the type of bitter smile I was used to with him, it was a sweet smile, almost tender.
“It was the best way to try it for sure” he confirmed pecking my lips gently, before grabbing my hand again to take me to the car.
The drive back was made in quite a comfortable silence, both of us enjoying all the feeling this day brought us.
It was already pitch dark outside when he parked in front of the manor and I stayed seated, safety belt on, looking at the door.
“Esmeralda?”
I grimaced at the pain this name inflicted. “I’m just not ready to say goodbye to Esme and Cal.” I admitted, not caring at how obvious the vulnerability was in my voice.
Today I saw a boy I wasn’t sure was all fake, a boy I could have loved so deeply. A boy I could have saved.
Today had been a mistake because for a minute, a treacherous minute, I wondered if it could work between him and I, if I could save us, and that single insignificant question had the potential to poison my heart for the rest of my life.
“Esmeralda, look at me.” He was back to ordering me even if his voice had lost some of his harshness.
I turned to him, not even bothering to put the perfect robot mask on.
He detailed my face. “I had a good day too,” he admitted reluctantly. He was confused too, this much was clear, could he -
Stop hoping Esme, you're on your way out.
“Esmeralda, I just -”
“Yes?” I encouraged, resting my hand on top of his.
He moved his hand from under mine and no matter how I thought I was safe from him, this gentle rejection hurt me.
“I need the ring back,” he said, getting the small box out of his pocket and I was sure it was not what he was about to say.
“Oh, of course,” I looked down at the small ring with longing before taking it off my finger.
I removed it and looked at it for another second before dropping it in his expectant hand.
He gave me back my horrible engagement ring and as I slide it back on my finger, I realized I hated it more now than I did before, but it was also the bucket of cold water I needed.
“Thank you for today,” I offered sincerely before getting out of the car.
“Esmeralda, wait!” he called back after I closed the car door.
He had slid down the window and was leaning on the seat gesturing me closer.
“Yeah?”
He pointed at the seat and the little pink box. “For you.”
“Why?” I asked taking the box carefully and standing beside the car.
“To remember there’ll always be today,” he replied, almost to himself before starting the car.
I looked at him go before looking down at the box and opening it slowly as if a poisonous snake was going to strike, and knowing our usual relationship it wasn’t so farfetched.
My heart squeezed in my chest as I saw what was in the box, the Angels’ wings necklace shaped as a heart.
“There’ll always be today,” I confirmed as my eyes started to sting for the boy I met and lost today.
“What are you doing outside?” Archie asked coldly from behind me.
I put the box in my jacket as discreetly as possible and turned around.
He looked askance at me, his face reflecting a disapproval I didn’t understand.
I wiped at the tear I didn't notice had ran down my cheek. “I'm going to bed,” I told him finally, exhausted by the turmoil of emotions I’d been through today.
“A leopard never changes its spots,” he shouted after me but I ignored him. I didn’t have it in me to fight any battles tonight – least of all with Archie.
As soon as I walked into my room, the door flew open and Archie walked in as if he had every right to.
“What were you doing with him, Esme?” He demanded, crossing his arms on his chest and closing the door with a kick.
“What does it matter to you, Archibald? It’s not like you care about me, right? You never cared.”
“That’s not the point. What were you doing alone with him, huh? What do you think he is looking for?” He snorted. “If you think I’m cruel, I suggest you look long and hard into your fiancé’s eyes because he is much colder than I have ever been.”
This is where the confusion came from, I’d looked long and hard into Caleb’s eyes today and behind the veneer of cruelty and hate there was a hurting boy, a boy I suspect had never experienced love.
“This-” I pointed at the general direction of the outside “has nothing to do with you. We’re engaged, remember? I’ll have to share his bed, sooner rather than later.”
Archie froze on the spot. “Esme – Esme tell me you, tell me you didn’t. Tell me you didn’t, Esmeralda.”
The command in his voice angered me even more. He didn’t want to be my brother, and I’d made peace with that… well I was trying to make peace with that but he sure as hell had no place acting like a commanding father – I already had one too many of those, I just wanted him to leave to let me process all the emotions I’d experienced today.
“No, no I didn't.” I admitted. “Not that it has anything to do with you. You have no right to ask about my life. You lost this right when you decided to discard me.”
“You…” he ran his hand through his dark hair with frustration. “You know why he would do it, right? Why he would take it? Because as a member of the elite he has the right to disown you if you give him your virginity, engaged or not.”
I crossed my arms on my chest and looked down, hiding my surprise. It was not even something I had considered.
“He’ll have the right to get his freedom back. As for you, you’ll be worth less than nothing.”
“Come on, Archie, why would you even care, huh?” I finally looked up and met his troubled eyes. “You wish father would kick me to the curb. So, don't pretend you have my interests at heart.”
“Maybe it’s true, maybe I don't care and wish you were gone. But not like that, never like that. You read the book, right? ‘The Guide of a Good Socialite Woman’?”
“Are you serious?” What was it with these men and their backward ways? “You really thought I was going to spend even one minute of my time reading that piece of crap, really?”
He shook his head. “Well I suggest you do because there are some things in there that can cost you dearly.”
He walked to my bookshelf and my heart stopped as this crappy book was just beside my mothers’ journal.
He opened the book and skimmed it before throwing it open on the bed.
It was open on chapter 10 titled ‘A Woman’s Virtue’, I couldn't help but wince at such a backward title.
&n
bsp; “A woman’s virtue?” I spat the words.
“Yes, and if I were you, I’d read it carefully because I think I’ve figured out what Caleb’s endgame is,” he added, scowling at the book. “He wants to take the only thing of value from you, to get back at me, get back at dad, get back at our family.”
“Why would he do that to you? You're like the wonder twins,” I snorted. “You’re best friends or something close, no?”
Archie looked upward. “Best friend,” he laughed, but it lacked humor, it sounded bitter and a little sad. “Friendship…. Friendship in our world is very different from the world you come from Esme… Esmeralda.”
It was not his first slip-up and it seemed I was becoming more and more ‘Esme’ to him, I just wasn’t sure if it was a good thing or not.
“Friendship in our world is the epitome of ‘keep your friends close and your enemies closer’. Caleb Astor and I are friends in a sense that we need each other, we’re dependent on each other but that’s basically it, Esmeralda. Caleb enjoys destruction, mine included, so no, we’re not friends, not in the loyal sense you seem to think.”
I was not sure why he admitted all that to me now, maybe he was actually starting to see me as his own blood now. Maybe Taylor was right…
No, No Esme don’t! I chastised myself. Don’t start seeing a sibling bond that clearly isn’t there. His reasons to warn me were beyond me but I couldn’t risk hope.
I’d put the wheels in motion now. With a bit of luck Luke would call me tomorrow and I would leave, I didn’t need to have more regrets – I didn’t need any regrets actually, I needed to stay level-headed and move on.
Archie looked at me with an indescribable look on his face as if he was trying to figure something out, as if he was trying to read me.
“Is that all?” I asked, much colder than I’d ever been before. This life was already changing me even if I didn't want it to.
Archie looked weary. “Yes, Esmeralda, I’ve said all I needed to say.”
I gestured toward the door. “Consider me warned. Leave now.”
He took a step forward, opening his mouth but shook his head, swirled around and marched out.
OK then…
Chapter 16
I was shaking with anticipation, pacing around my bedroom looking at the alarm clock every few minutes. It was true what Einstein had said about time being relative. It felt like I’d been in my room for hours and it was only 6:52pm.
