by L M Adams
My body doesn’t ache so badly, but I have to drink a lot of Lucien’s blood to function after… our activities.
I’m sitting on the side of the bed, just finishing getting my boots on when he closes the distance between us. I bow my head whimpering, praying to whatever god will listen, don’t let him take my ring.
He nudges my chin up, I keep my eyes cast down.
“Best behavior?”
“Yes, Lucien,” I whisper low.
“No attitude, no snide remarks, no jealous outburst?”
“No, Lucien.”
He runs his thumb across my bottom lip, “You are so well behaved when you’re broken.”
“Yes, Lucien.”
“Perhaps I was wrong, perhaps this is helping our marriage.”
“Yes, Lucien.”
“I never wanted a such a broken thing for a husband – but I could grow accustomed to this.”
“Yes, Lucien.”
“No matter how well behaved you are, I’m still going to destroy you tonight.”
I close my eyes as I feel a tear run down the side of my face.
“Now smile and show me how happy you are, I’m giving you everything you wanted. Yes?”
I force my lips to turn up in a smile, my body shuddering with terror knowing that I can do everything right and he’ll still torture me until I pray for death… yet I’m not allowed to die. He’s left me nothing, no control over a single thing.
“Good boy.”
He lets my chin go and I inhale a shaky breath. Dark Goddess, what have I done?
By the time we leave our rooms, escorted by Henenu and Nassor, I’m calm and composed. I’m too afraid not to be. I’m too afraid to do anything wrong at all.
I know it won’t make a difference. Lucien has promised to destroy me no matter what I do… but I’m sure if I misbehave, even a little, he can find a new way to make it so much worse.
The city is beautiful, but I’m careful not to look at it too much. Keep my eyes down, be small and unobtrusive, don’t make Lucien notice you… don’t because he’ll hurt you… he’ll hurt you bad.
“What is wrong little brother?” Nassor asks as we walk down one of the streets.
“Nothing,” I whisper.
“Your face is bruised.”
“I’m fine,” I mutter wishing with all of my heart he’d go away.
“Come away from him, Nassor, he is adjusting to his new life.”
Nassor shakes his head a little but puts some distance between us.
Henenu leads our little party. Lucien and Nassor walk behind the older man… with me in the back, trying to just stay out of the way.
There aren’t many people on the north side of the city, the buildings are pretty much the same as the other places we’ve seen here. You can’t really tell where one building ends and another begins. All of them made from mudbrick and stone… but decorated beautifully with colorful paints… every one of them has a story told in picture. The floorplans flow between one another, an occasional break in the structures for a street or an alley, but truly it could be fifty houses or one, you can’t really tell.
Large arched open airways, balconies, columns wrapped with pretty flowers. Most of the buildings are three or four stories. The people that are in the street seem like they’re about their business.
The Ha’mara is probably a very busy trade time as well. But they still find time to bow and smile at Lucien – he is their Raja after all.
We reach a portion of the city near the water, near the Nile river and the smell of burning metal picks up. Here there are breaks in the buildings, and most are only one or two stories. probably as a precaution to fire.
Metal working is a dangerous business… for anyone.
Henenu guides us to a shop on the edge of the water, across the other side of the river are the large planting fields with palm date and olive trees. The river full of the boats of tradesmen and travelers all on their way to Atum.
“Come Hari, come and meet Sele from the lands west, in Nok – a master in smelting for the Yorùbá.”
The man is a bit rough looking, his hair cut short, covered in sweat. He’s wearing a pair of loose pants and a vest, both a muted red… his arms massive. He could probably crack my skull open like a walnut under his armpit.
Lucien greets him well, clasping his forearm, “Brother.”
“My Raja, you honor me with your visit.”
“It is you that honors the people with your strength.”
“Ogun give me strength, I always shall,” Sele smiles and looks to Nassor.
“Ah, and you have brought the trouble son.”
“I see Nassor has made a name for himself,” Lucien smiles and looks to the other man.
“Ah, only a bit when I need a good blade,” Nassor walks forward clasping Sele’s arm, “Greetings brother.”
“And to you.”
Lucien turns, “And this is my husband… Capaneus.”
I bow my head towards the man, “A pleasure.”
He gives me a good nod, “And to you.”
We’re welcomed into the shop of Sele to take refreshments, served by one of Sele’s sons, a boy of about fourteen, named Edem who traveled with his father from Nok to barter among the Atums.
The place is nice, it is large and seems to serve as a receiving room and shop, with Sele’s workspace in another room in the back.
Here there are tables and shelves, filled with metal works… not just weapons but also bowls, cups, other beautifully crafted trinkets.
The others go to sit at a table at the far wall, where I assume business is discussed. I wander away to look at the metal works… not wanting to be an intrusion and still being wary of Lucien’s mood.
“Come and sit,” Sele welcomes the others as I turn away to make myself a small target. “What brings you to this humble space, my Raja?”
Henenu shifts in his seat, leaning forward, “I brought Hari to listen to your concerns. I hear that this will be your last pilgrimage?”
“Oh aye, the journey is too long. The gates that once connected our lands have no more majic. I cannot spend months out of the year on horseback coming from my lands to the lands of the Atums. It is not fair to my family; they need me home.”
“Sele is one of the few master metal workers we have, but his concerns are echoed throughout the city, Hari. Once commerce leaves the city Atum… we shall be lost.”
“What has happened to the gates?” Lucien asks. “Can they be repaired?”
“Perhaps,” Henenu whispers, seeming delighted that once again Lucien is ready to stay here and help them fix their world.
They seduce him with home, call on him to save them and things that only he can fix… they appeal to the very core of what Lucien wants to be. Why can he not see that?
I turn away and move to the other side of the room, less my disrespectful opinion is sensed by Lucien and he punishes me for it. My heart quivers at the thought.
The room is well lit by using highly shined metal disks to reflect the sunlight, an ingenious design – beams of sunlight cutting through the gentle shadow within the room. I peruse the tables filled with wonderfully crafted weapons, the lighting on them arranged with an artistic eye. Spear tips, axes, a few shields… all of the metals made of something more than iron, the blades are dark, almost black and gleam a wonderful hue of silver and blue.
I take my time studying each piece, truly enjoying looking at things so beautifully made. I let the words of the men fall into the background of my thoughts and try to separate my consciousness from them. Compartmentalizing so that I can survive… it seems I’m still Blood Lord enough for that trick… yet still, I cannot seem to use it to escape Lucien’s torture.
He makes me stay here and in the moment, when he hurts me… there is no escape from his rage, in life or death.
One of the showing cabinets has shelves full of beautifully crafted blades. The pommels done in the designs of animals; mostly lions… but a few of
hawks and even one done with two snakes intertwined with one another, blood red rubies as eyes… the dark blade seems even darker.
“Gorgeous,” I whisper.
“Oh, aye?”
I jump and turn at the sound of Lucien’s voice. I look quickly… we’re alone… when did that happen?
“Yes,” I bow my head.
He nudges my chin up, “You did not come and sit with us.”
“I didn’t know I was supposed to… please don’t hurt me.”
“Of course I’m going to hurt you,” he promises darkly. His golden eyes shine with red. “But not right now.”
I exhale a breath, my heart still pounding with fear. I rub my ring with my thumb, praying he won’t order me to take it off.
“Sele had eyes for you, you were not working your wicked magic on him, were you?”
“No,” I hiss.
“Hmmm, he looked at you often, what did you do?”
“I swear I didn’t do anything, please, Lucien… you have to believe me.”
“You are my property, Capaneus, do not forget that.”
“I won’t…. I promise I won’t.”
“Sele has offered a gift, you may choose one of his crafts.”
“I don’t want it!” I hiss.
“Do not lie to me, you called his work beautiful.”
He pushes his thumb between my lips as I cry, “Something deadly and beautiful for something deadly and beautiful.”
I look at him, my eyes pleading for mercy. Please don’t punish me here… please at least give me privacy in my misery. Please, Lucien, please my Raja… please I pray to him.
He nods and takes his thumb from my mouth, “You are learning.”
Yes, I’m learning how to be a perfect slave – just like I wanted.
109
Jack – The Breaking Point
We visit a few shops, speak with more people… every time one of them wants to give me a gift. I understand why… this is the way the people show their love, they offer gifts to the Raja’s husband. But Lucien sees it as them trying to woo me away from him and he shames me gently every time.
I’m an emotional wreck by the time we return to our rooms, but I think I’ve hidden it well. All day I’ve worked hard on seeming calm and polite, but always staying near Lucien to try and prove to him that I’m doing nothing to entice any attention from anyone else.
He seems okay when we return to our apartments. I head right for the alcohol on the sideboard and begin drinking, trying to steady my nerves.
After he sits at one of the desks and begins writing, seeming calm, I relax a little and head to the bedroom just so I’m not in the same room as him and to do my drinking in private.
I find myself analyzing my behavior today, trying to find ways I can improve myself to lower my chances of punishment… but my heart knows it won’t matter as he steps in the room.
“Take off your ring,” he says it so causally.
“Why…”
“You need to be raped.”
“Lucien, I didn’t do anything wrong!” I cry out with a whine, standing up.
“This isn’t punishment Capaneus! I know you didn’t do anything wrong!” He begins undressing.
I feel confused, “So why…”
“I want you to be happy!” He roars.
“I…” I fall to my knees, “please don’t,” I begin rocking back forth, “please Lucien please.”
But there is nothing I can say that will stop him. I take off my ring and hand it to him when he walks over to me to put his cock in my mouth.
Always the dutiful slave I suck him off as my heart and soul begs, but there is nothing I can do to stop him… why would I try? I asked him for this, I’m supposed to be happy.
He has me undress and bend over one of the tables, telling me not to move, that I will be in this position until he tires of destroying me.
And so I stay there, bent over, dead inside. My body cries out in pain, but my soul is already dead. The shifting of my body as it moves when he pushes inside of me, feels unreal.
He promises me an hour of rape, he gives me two for good measure, he takes plenty of breaks, having me hold open my flesh, waiting for his return, I am to thank him when he gives me his cock… gives me what I need.
“Thank you, Lucien,” I whisper as he slides into me.
“Good boy,” he groans and begins fucking me again. “You’re bleeding again, I’ve ruined you,” he moans, “I promised I’d ruin you to perfection… didn’t I?”
“Yes, Lucien.”
“Ra, you were right, so perfect today. Kind and careful with your words, always by my side and well behaved.” He moans, “A perfect slave, Capaneus… perfect.”
He lays on my back, grabbing my hip as he begins grinding into me, as far as he can go, “Give it to me.”
“I can’t… I want to…”
“Liar, always the fucking liar.”
He pulls from me and I quiver with renewed fear as he picks up a thick leather strap used to sharpen blades from the table.
I know it’s coming, but nothing can prepare me for the pain as he strikes my ass with the strap. I hold on to the edge of the table and cry out again and again as he strikes me across my ass.
“Confess!”
“I’m a liar!” I cry out, my legs ready to go out from under me.
“I know,” he whispers and sets the strap back to the table.
I let go of the edge and reach back, pulling my battered flesh apart, offering his rose to him… his property.
It burns so badly as he pushes into the swollen tightness, “Thank you, Lucien.” I whisper as he begins fucking me slowly.
“Give it to me,” he demands pushing against the bend deep inside of me, wanting to go deeper.
“I can’t.”
“Then you will suffer until you can.”
“Yes, Lucien.”
He alternates between fucking me, beating me… raging at me and calling me a liar. I am destroyed, I’ve ruined it all and for what? For this? My goddess please no… please no.
He comes, he makes me come, he cleans me, he feeds me… he hates me. It was only a glimmer, but I saw it spark in his eyes. He hates himself and he hates me for making him do this.
How did it go wrong? How did it all go so fucking wrong?
The world feels off… I feel off, or unreal – perhaps truly unmade. Would this be better if I had the blood ocean? Would I be happy if at least I’d destroyed my love for the peace of my people? Would the sacrifice be made worthy?
I don’t know, it doesn’t matter… none of it matters anymore.
All of what I thought this would be, was nothing but the delusions of a sick man. I thought this would free my soul, instead I have been given new chains in my prison of shame… and I fucking forged those chains myself.
I’ve destroyed it all for nothing but ash.
“There’s a party in the den tonight for Solstice Eve…I’m going, would you like to join me?” He asks it so causally as he gets dressed. Nothing to indicate the hours of brutal rape and torture I’ve just endured, that he’s perpetrated. Nothing to indicate I’m not still the man he loves and is married to.
I’m sitting on the side of the bed, staring into the nothingness – still looking for something I cannot name, nor understand.
He expects me to smile and say yes, he expects us to be able to have a good time – he expects me to be filled with joy. Because… because I told him that this is what I wanted, that this is what I needed. And he fought it… Goddess knows he fought it. He refused, he tried to persuade me, he tried to walk away, he tried to love me through it… my Goddess he tried! But I couldn’t let it go! So what did I do? I taunted him, I manipulated him and his curse just fucking right. And Goddess knows I know how to manipulate someone.
I won.
I’m supposed to be happy.
Goddess, why am I not happy?
“I’m not happy,” I whisper it, not feeling truly in control of m
yself, as if some other part of me dares to break through finally. Admitting the truth to him, to me… to the entire fucking world.
I inhale sharply and dare to look into his eyes, “I fucked up and I am not happy.”
He looks at me, sadness covering his face, “Neither am I, but this all that you have left me. You wished to be a slave to a monster? You are one.”
I look away as he walks out of the door, closing it softly behind him. My heart falls and keeps fucking falling.
110
Jack - forgiveness
He won’t forgive me. There is no turning back.
I drink everything I can get my hands on. Like a wounded animal I sit in front of the massive fireplace and try to nurse the gaping hole in my heart wishing for death to just put me out of my misery.
Night comes and the music from the den is blaring; giving the very palace, made of stone walls, a thunderous heartbeat. Everyone is happy and joyous; their happiness does nothing but grate against my spirit because I’m so fucking miserable.
Jaevia was right.
Lucien was right.
I couldn’t be the same man I was to Jaevia, to Ariella, to Valentine, to Némion… to every woman I’ve ever served. That would never be good enough for Lucien – he doesn’t want a punching bag for a husband. Proving to him that I could take the abuse didn’t do shit to help our relationship.
The firelight taunts me, makes me think of him, wishing I’d found a way to love him, found a way to love myself enough to love him. Found a way to free myself from all of what happened before.
Blood King please, I think and pray and drink down another glass of wine, hoping the alcohol will numb the pain in my heart.
Perhaps the Blood King has no answers, I’ve never known a vampire to have love outside of blood, and death, and pain. I’d tried to have something outside of the order of things with Ariella and yes, Matthias. I remember when I was young and still believed it could be different.
