by Emma Louise
“Happy for you, sis. Mom would love him for you.”
“You think?” I ask, not realizing until now how much it means to me that she thinks Mom would have liked him. Putting an arm around my shoulder, Ava pulls me in for a quick squeeze.
“Trust me, she would think he’s perfect.”
I can’t help the grin that lights my face. “Good.”
The rare, tender moment between us is broken when the back door opens, and the guys all pour into the room. TJ walks straight to me and hooks an arm around my neck and kisses my temple.
“Everything okay?” he asks, and I melt into him. He’s the one under the spotlight tonight, but he’s asking me if I'm okay.
When he hears his father’s voice, Abel lets out a loud shout, letting us know he’s ready to be picked up.
“Alright, bud. No need to shout.” He squats to unbuckle and lift him up. Once he has him settled on his hip, I turn to look at Ava. She turns to me at the same time, and we both burst out laughing.
“Alright. You can say, “I told you so” now.” She giggles.
“What did I miss?” TJ asks, looking between my sister and I as we carry on like a pair of school girls.
“Learn early on that it’s better not to ask most of the time,” Carl says, making everyone chuckle. He claps TJ on his shoulder and walks over to Ava, kissing her. I love that they’re still so affectionate after so many years together. Turning to say something to TJ, I catch him and Asa having a whispered conversation behind my back. They both jump when they realize I’ve caught them.
“What’s going on?” I ask. “Why are you two whispering?” Neither of them answers right away. Asa steps closer to us and surprises me by taking Abel out of TJ’s arms.
“I’ll let you take over from here,” he says to TJ cryptically.
“What’s going on?” I demand once more, but I still don’t get an answer. Instead, he walks over to the diaper bag that he set in the corner earlier. Rifling through it for a minute, he comes back with a manila envelope in his hands. Looking around the room, I notice that nobody seems in the least surprised by what’s going on. In fact, they’re all wearing similar goofy smiles.
“I got you something,” he says, reaching up to run a hand through his hair. It’s his nervous tick. “Well, I got it, but everyone kinda helped out.”
My pulse rockets. What the hell has he done that my whole family could have been involved in? Looking at TJ, I can’t get a hint of what this could be. His expression is carefully blank.
Reaching for the envelope when he holds it out, I quickly tear it open. My heart hits the floor at what I find inside.
“Flight tickets?” I croak, tears clogging my throat. Why would he do this to me?
“Baby.” TJ is in my face immediately, his hands sliding into my hair, and he uses his thumbs to swipe at the tears that are falling. I look up and find concerned eyes looking down at me.
“Why would you do this?” I ask. “Don’t you want me here?” His gaze turns pained, and he drops his head down to meet mine.
“We’ll give you guys a minute,” my sister says as they all leave the room. TJ doesn’t drop his eyes from mine, not until the door closes and we’re alone. I want to ask questions. I want to know what the hell is going on, but part of me doesn’t want to hear his reasons for doing this.
“Breeze, baby ... I stood outside your apartment a few weeks ago and listened to you tell your brother that you were willing to give up your dreams for me. I can’t let you do that.” I can feel the pain drip from each of his words.
“If you heard me say that, you also heard me say that dreams change. I don’t need anything else; I have you. You and Abel are all I need. Why would I need to see Europe when I have you two, right here?” I cry, fisting the sides of his t-shirt, desperate to feel him closer to me.
“But your dreams don’t have to change. Don’t you see? You can have both. What kind of man would I be if I kept you from doing the one thing you’ve always wanted to do?”
“I thought you’d be happy I changed my mind.”
“You don’t get it. I’m fucking thrilled that you’d even consider staying, but I can’t let you.” Putting a tiny amount of pressure under my chin, TJ tips my head back so he can look at me. “I love you,” he says with such a firm clarity. I suck in a shocked breath.
“You love me?”
“I do. More than I ever realized was possible”—he pulls in a big breath— “and that’s why I have to let you do this.”
Still holding my face in his hands, he drops his mouth to mine. It’s not just a kiss, it’s a plea for me to understand.
“I need you to do this. For me. So when you come back, I’ll know you’re coming back having done the one thing you’ve always wanted. If you don’t go, I’ll always be waiting for the resentment to grow between us.”
I feel like I’m being ripped in two. I want to stay, but I can’t deny that the only reason I’d be staying is him.
“I don’t want to be without you,” I whisper against his lips. His hand slides down my chest, letting it rest over where my heartbeat is going crazy.
“Am I in here?” he asks, and all I can do is nod; I’m scared I’ll break down if I try to speak. “Then you’re not ever going to be without me.”
“It’s a few months, baby. We’ll speak every day and when you’re ready, we’ll be here waiting for you.” This means something to him, I can feel the desperation in his words.
Sucking in a deep breath, I feel like I’m breaking my own heart when I nod.
“Okay. I’ll go”
I’m a fucking idiot.
Watching Breeze as she throws her head back and belt out a loud laugh at something one of the kids gathered around her says, I’m once again wondering what the fuck I was thinking encouraging her to leave me. She sits in my backyard, my son on her lap and our families surrounding her, and she looks so fucking perfect it hurts. I watch as Bree and Abel both laugh when Frank, my brother’s giant ass dog comes bounding up to them and drops a ball. Picking it up, Bree throws it as far as she can, but Frank is happy to drop down onto the ground next to their picnic blanket. Fuck sake. Even the dog loves her.
She’s leaving in less than a week, so she insisted we have everyone over so she can say goodbye to them all at once. There are people everywhere, and I haven’t been able to get near her for the last few hours. It’s my idea of hell.
But she’s had a smile on her face all day, something that’s been rare since I surprised her with the plane tickets. Sure, she’s gone through the motions and has finally planned where she wants to go and what she wants to see, but her heart hasn’t been in it.
Part of me hopes she just refuses to go, but I know deep down that this the best thing for her to do.
“How you holding up?” Hayden says, passing me a beer and dropping into the seat next to me.
“This fucking sucks,” I tell him, tipping the beer back and downing half the bottle in a few gulps.
The fucker has the cheek to chuckle at me.
“One day, it will be you getting fucked up over a woman, so laugh it up while you can, dickhead,” I tell him, but it just causes him to laugh louder.
“No thanks. I’m happy as I am.”
“We’ll see,” I mutter.
I’m about to go inside for another beer when I hear my name being called. Turning around, I see Breeze is up on her knees on the blanket, Abel on her hip, and she’s waving me over.
“You have to see this! Quickly!”
I make my way to the edge of the blanket and just before I get there, she tells me to stop.
“Stay there. You’re going to love this.” She grins at me, happiness bubbling out of her.
“Let me see then,” I say, and my mock impatience causes her to roll her eyes at me.
Shifting Abel so he’s on the blanket on all fours, she holds onto his little waist to keep him steady.
“Okay now, gorgeous, let's show daddy what you’ve learned,�
�� she says before kissing my son on his head.
She lets go of him, and he wobbles for a second. Once he’s righted himself, he throws himself forward and does an awkward stumble crawl thing toward the dog.
“Holy shit! He’s doing it!” I drop to my knees, and Abel changes course and heads toward me instead. It takes everything in me not to scoop him up before he gets to me. When he finally makes it, I throw him up into the air.
“When did you get so grown up?” I ask him as he giggles in my face.
Breeze moves to sit next to us, and I wrap an arm around her, closing the last few inches between us.
“He’s been so close to doing it for the last few days, guess all he needed was the right encouragement.” She laughs softly. “Today he’s crawling, next thing you know he’ll be walking, talking, and a whole bunch of other things.”
When silence hangs over us, I guess we’re both thinking the same thing.
How many of those will she miss while she’s away?
“Can I put him down tonight?” Breeze asks when Abel is bathed and ready for bed. “I only have a couple more days and…” She trails off, and I know she’s getting emotional. She formed this amazing bond with my boy, and although it started out with me paying her to watch him, I know she loves him.
Just like I know she loves me. It’s there, in every look she gives me, it’s on the tip of her tongue every day, but she’s holding back. I don’t blame her. I know I threw her for a loop when I told her to go, but she’ll see. She’ll see it’s for the best. She’ll see that a few months out of the lifetime we’re going to have together is nothing. At least that’s what I keep trying to convince myself.
“You take him, I’ll get cleaned up downstairs.” I transfer the baby into her arms, kiss his head, then move to kiss her lips.
“Love you,” I tell her, like I’ve told her every day since that first time. I love the flare of her eyes when she hears it, the tiny flush that steals over her cheeks. The infinitesimal draw of breath. It’s addictive. She smiles her shy smile, pushes up on her toes and kisses me back. Just like she always does. Yeah, I don’t need to hear the words, she shows me every damn day how she feels.
“What’s all this?”
Thirty minutes later and I’ve just finished getting everything ready.
I’ve recreated our first date. The coffee table is once again pushed to the side, the pillows and snacks on the floor. The only difference is the movie that’s playing. Grabbing ahold of her hand, I pull Breeze down onto the makeshift bed.
“I thought we could have a date night,” I say, settling her into my side. “But I already picked a movie this time.” Lifting the remote, I hit play and the screen comes to life. When she sees the movie I picked, she burst into sweet giggles.
“Dirty Dancing? Really?”
“Well, someone once told me it’s one of the best love stories ever told.”
“Ahhh. Must have been a very wise person.”
“Wiseass more like,” I mutter, earning myself a dig in the side. Pulling her close to me, I kiss the top of her head.
“Wanna know a secret?”
“Of course I do.” She tilts her head back to see me better.
“I’ve watched it once before, but I didn’t get to see much of it because I had the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen sitting next to me, distracting me.”
TJ—” she breathes, but I kiss her before she can say anymore. I need to feel her. By the time I drag my lips off hers, her hands are under my shirt, clinging to my back, and she’s down to her bra and sleep shorts.
Her kiss-drunk expression, swollen lips, and heaving chest make her the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen. I need her naked and under me right now. Without wasting another second, I do exactly that.
“I better hear from you every single day, or I swear I will fly over to whatever country you’re in and kick your ass.” Fleur cries as she hugs me tightly.
“Calls, texts, emails, you’ll get them all,” I promise.
“And you have to promise that you’ll at least try to enjoy it, as much as you can, Bree.”
I don’t want to lie to her, so I just nod.
“Sweetheart, we need to get on the road,” TJ says from behind us. Fleur takes a step back and opens her car door.
“Call me when you land. Stay safe!” And then she’s gone. I watch her car back out of the driveway and I realize this is it. She’s the last of our friends and family to leave. I decided that I only wanted TJ and Abel at the airport with me. Saying goodbye to those two is going to hurt, and the last thing I need is an audience.
“You ready?”
Painting on the fake smile that’s become the norm for me, I nod. “Yep, let’s do this.”
He studies my face for a few seconds, and I know he sees it. As much as I try to hide it, he knows me too well.
All too quickly, we’re exiting the freeway and parking at the airport. TJ’s had his hand on me in some way all morning. I know this was his idea, and I understand his reasoning, but there’s still part of me that’s hurting over this whole thing. I can’t let myself dwell on it, though. I’ve said I’ll go, so there’s no point. Instead, I lift Abel out of his stroller so I can give him one last hug. Kissing his cheeks, I feel the tears start to fall.
“You remember how he likes to be tucked in, right? And which of his bears he likes best? And you’ll tell your mom when she watches him?” I start to fret. I’ve been the one looking after Abel for the last four months. It’s been me who’s fed and cared for him. It’s me who knows what he needs.
“He’s crawling now, will she be able to chase him?” Panic hits me. I can’t do this. I can’t leave my boy.
“Baby,”—TJ grabs my face—“we’ve got this. I promise, we’ll be fine.”
Of course they will. TJ is his dad. I know this, but the panic is taking over.
“I’m sorry. I’m being stupid.” I face plant into his chest, reveling in the feel of him, the smell of him.
“It’s not stupid, baby.”
“I’m going to miss you both.”
“We’ll miss you too,” he whispers against my lips before he kisses me deeply. Abel, never one to like being left out, is soon slapping a wet fist against our faces.
“I’m sorry, gorgeous boy,” I croon, hugging him as tightly as he’ll allow.
“Promise me you’ll look after Daddy while I’m gone? Be a good boy, and eat all your dinners, okay?” He looks at me as if he understands every word I’ve just said. I’ve no idea how I’m going to get through the days without seeing him.
Reaching into his jacket pocket, TJ pulls out a small white envelope. “Here, Abel wants you to take this,” he says, passing it to me as he lifts the baby out of my arms.
“Abel does, huh?”
“Yeah. He didn’t want you to miss him too much,” he says, and I smile genuinely for the first time in what feels like forever.
Ripping open the envelope, I pull out a small photograph. My heart squeezes in my chest, and tears fill my eyes yet again when I see my two favorite people staring back at me. I remember taking this picture. Just last week we’d packed a picnic and taken Abel for a day at the zoo. TJ strapped him into a carrier on his chest, and I’m pretty sure it’s the hottest he’s ever looked. I snapped the picture when they were looking at something in the distance. They’re standing in profile, and Abel looks so much like TJ it’s crazy.
“I know you have it on your phone, but I thought you’d like a real copy too.”
“I love it,” I tell him, throwing my arms around him and Abel.
We stand there for as long as we can, until I’m at risk of missing my flight. Putting Abel back into his stroller, TJ pulls me in for one last kiss.
“I’m going to miss you so fucking much,” he rasps.
Emotion clogs my throat and again, all I can do is nod.
“I’ll be here. When you come home, I’ll be here waiting.” He drags me closer, pressing me against his body tightly.
This time the kiss is desperate. He breathes me in. And I let him.
When he drags his mouth away, he drops his forehead to meet mine.
“I need you to know, this is for you. For us. I’m breaking my own heart here, baby.”
“I get it,” I tell him, lifting my hands to run through his hair. “I really do.”
“Have fun and stay safe. For us,” he rasps, his eyes searching mine.
“I’ll try.”
And then I’m walking away. With each step I take, I wait for him to call for me. I wait for him to stop me, for him to say it.
If he says it, I’ll stay. All I need to hear is those three little words.
“Baby, please stay.”
But he doesn’t say a single word.
I can’t look back, I can’t stop. Not when I feel his eyes burning into my back as I walk through security. Not when I hear Abel yelling for me.
I don’t stop until I’m at the departure gate. Once I know he can’t see me, I let the tears flow once again.
I should be celebrating.
Tonight, Jonah won his first big fight. Everything we worked for, every sacrifice made just paid off. But I just can’t bring myself to be happy. There’s a party happening around me, but instead I’m sitting alone in my office nursing a bottle of bourbon. All I can do is stare at my phone, willing it to ring.
It’s been two weeks since she left. Two weeks of hell.
Watching her walk away from me in the airport took every ounce of strength not to run after her. To tell her that I’m an idiot. That I wanted her to stay.
Instead, I made her go.
Two weeks of phone calls, Skype chats, and FaceTime just isn’t enough. Not when I see the sadness etched in her face still. Sure, there’s been moments when she’s looked happy, but seeing her forcing a smile for me whenever we speak is killing me.
I didn’t realize the small things I’d miss until I didn’t have them anymore. Being able to lean over and kiss her good morning. I want to hold her hand in front of our friends. I want to laugh with her, make fun of her when she messes up.
