Dedication
In memory of my father, Irving A. Greene
Epigraph
Anyone can become angry, that is easy . . . but to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way . . . this is not easy.
—ARISTOTLE
Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.
—MAYA ANGELOU
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Dedication
Epigraph
Preface
1. The Waffle Episode
2. Your New Lenses Have Arrived
3. Lagging Skills
4. Unsolved Problems
5. The Truth About Consequences
6. Three Options
7. Plan B
8. The Nuances
9. The Questions
10. Your Family
11. Unsolved Problems at School
12. Better
Acknowledgments
Index
About the Author
Also by Ross W. Greene, Ph.D.
Copyright
About the Publisher
Preface
Welcome to the 2021 edition of The Explosive Child, which comes twenty-three years after the first edition was published in 1998. A lot has happened during those years. The book is now published in dozens of languages. The model described in these pages has undergone one decidedly uncollaborative name change. (It was originally named Collaborative Problem Solving, but is now called Collaborative & Proactive Solutions.) The CPS model has been implemented by hundreds of thousands of families and thousands of schools, inpatient psychiatry units, and residential and juvenile detention facilities throughout the world. Numerous published studies have documented its effectiveness, and it has been validated as an evidence-based intervention. Because of various refinements over the years, the model is easier to understand and implement. This edition reflects the most current iteration. In an effort to be sensitive to different preferences, the book is written using male, female, and gender nonspecific pronouns in alternating chapters.
I’ll start off by acknowledging that I’ve never been a huge fan of the title of the book. Explosive is just a descriptive term for kids who become frustrated far more easily and more often than “ordinary” kids, and communicate their frustration in ways that are far more extreme (screaming, swearing, spitting, hitting, kicking, biting, cutting, destroying property). But explosive is a clumsy adjective for several reasons. First, it implies that the outbursts of these kids are sudden and unpredictable and—this may be a little hard to believe at first—that’s actually not true most of the time. Second, while many kids explode when they’re frustrated, many others implode instead (crying, sulking, whining, pouting, avoiding, withdrawing, or being worried or anxious). The title of the book notwithstanding, the strategies described herein are applicable to kids who are exploding, imploding, or some combination of the two.
But the behaviors aren’t even the most important part. Rather, what those behaviors are telling us is the most important part. And what they’re telling us is that your child is having difficulty meeting certain expectations. Some kids withdraw when there are expectations they’re having difficulty meeting (otherwise they don’t withdraw). Other kids hit when there are expectations they’re having difficulty meeting (otherwise they don’t hit). While it’s tempting to focus on your child’s behaviors, in this book we’ll be focusing instead on the expectations they are having difficulty meeting that are causing those behaviors. That crucial distinction is going to make a world of difference.
One of the things you’ll learn in the early chapters of the book is that the terms that have commonly been used to characterize kids with concerning behaviors—terms such as willful, manipulative, attention-seeking, limit-testing, contrary, intransigent, unmotivated—are inaccurate and counterproductive. You’ll also read that a lot of the things we’ve been saying about the parents of these kids—that they’re passive, permissive, inconsistent, noncontingent, inept disciplinarians—aren’t accurate or productive either. And you’ll learn that the psychiatric diagnoses that may have been applied to your child don’t provide the information you need to accurately understand their difficulties and effectively help them.
This may sound a little strange, but there’s never been a better time to be living or working with a child with concerning behaviors. That’s because an enormous amount of research on kids with concerning behaviors has accumulated over the past fifty years, so we know a lot more about why and when they’re struggling and how to help them than at any other point in human evolution. The research provides us with new lenses through which to view their difficulties, and those new lenses can help you respond to and help these kids in ways that are more compassionate, productive, and effective. That’s the good news. The bad news is that the new lenses can take some getting used to (after all, there’s a decent chance you’ve been wearing different lenses for a very long time). So, you’ll need an open mind. Also, the strategies contained in this book can be quite a departure from the norm and may differ from the way you were raised, so they’ll likely require some practice (and patience), as you and your child become accustomed to new ways of interacting and solving problems.
If you are the parent of a child with social, emotional, and behavioral challenges, this book should help you feel more optimistic about and confident in handling their difficulties, get you out of the business of “walking on eggshells” or being in “perpetual survival mode,” and restore some sanity to your family. If you are the child’s grandparent, teacher, neighbor, coach, or therapist, this book should, at the least, help you understand and, better yet, help you participate in the process of making things better.
There is no panacea. You have some hard work ahead of you. But you’re working hard already. Let’s make sure you have something to show for all that hard work.
ROSS W. GREENE, PH.D.
FREEPORT, MAINE
1
The Waffle Episode
Saturday morning. Jennifer, age eleven, wakes up, makes her bed, looks around her room to make sure everything is in its place, and heads into the kitchen to make herself breakfast. She peers into the freezer, removes the container of frozen waffles, and counts six waffles. Thinking to herself, “I’ll have three waffles this morning and three tomorrow morning,” Jennifer toasts her three waffles and sits down to eat.
Moments later, her mother, Debbie, and seven-year-old brother, Riley, enter the kitchen, and Debbie asks Riley what he’d like to eat for breakfast. Riley responds, “Waffles,” and Debbie reaches into the freezer for the waffles. Jennifer, who has been listening and watching intently, explodes.
“He can’t have the waffles!” Jennifer screams, her face suddenly reddening.
“Why not?” asks Debbie, her voice rising.
“I was going to have those waffles tomorrow morning!” Jennifer screams, jumping out of her chair.
“I’m not telling your brother he can’t have waffles!” Debbie yells back.
“He can’t have them!” screams Jennifer, now face to face with her mother.
Debbie, wary of the physical and verbal aggression of which her daughter is capable during these moments, desperately asks Riley if there might be something else he would consider eating.
“I want waffles,” whimpers Riley, cowering behind his mother.
Jennifer, her frustration and agitation at a peak, pushes Debbie out of the way, seizes the container of frozen waffles, then slams the freezer door shut, grabs her plate of toasted waffles, and stalks to her room. Debbie and Riley begin to cry.
Jennifer’s fa
mily members have endured hundreds of such episodes. In many instances, the episodes are more prolonged and intense and involve more physical or verbal aggression than the one just described (when Jennifer was eight, she kicked out a window of the family car). Doctors have bestowed myriad diagnoses on Jennifer, including oppositional-defiant disorder, bipolar disorder, intermittent explosive disorder, and disruptive mood dysregulation disorder. For Jennifer’s parents, however, a simple label doesn’t begin to capture the upheaval, turmoil, and trauma that her outbursts cause, and doesn’t help them understand why Jennifer acts the way she does or when the outbursts are likely to occur.
Debbie and Riley are scared of her. Jennifer’s extreme volatility and inflexibility require constant vigilance and enormous energy from her mother and father, consuming attention the parents wish they could devote to Riley. Debbie and her husband, Kevin, frequently argue over the best way to handle her behavior but are in agreement about the strain Jennifer places on their marriage. Jennifer has no close friends; children who initially befriend her eventually find her rigid, bossy personality difficult to tolerate.
Over the years, Debbie and Kevin have sought help from countless mental health professionals, most of whom have urged them to set firmer limits and be more consistent in managing Jennifer’s behavior, and have instructed them on how to implement formal reward and punishment strategies, usually in the form of sticker charts and time-outs. When such strategies failed to work, Jennifer was medicated with multiple combinations of drugs, without dramatic effect. After eight years of setting firmer limits, dutifully doling out happy faces, and administering a cornucopia of medicines, Jennifer has changed little since infancy, when there were clear signs that there was something “different” about her. In fact, her outbursts are more intense and more frequent than ever.
* * *
“It is very humiliating to be scared of your own daughter,” says Debbie. “People who don’t have a child like Jennifer don’t have a clue about what it’s like to live like this. Believe me, this is not what I envisioned when I dreamed of having children. This is a nightmare.
“You can’t imagine the embarrassment of having Jennifer ‘lose it’ around people who don’t know her. I feel like telling them, ‘I have another kid at home who doesn’t act like this—I really am a good parent!’
“I know people are thinking, ‘What wimpy parents she must have . . . what that kid really needs is a good thrashing.’ Believe me, we’ve tried everything with her. But nobody’s been able to tell us how to help her. No one’s really been able to tell us what’s the matter with her!
“I used to think of myself as a kind, patient, sympathetic person. But Jennifer has caused me to act in ways in which I never thought myself capable. I’m emotionally spent. I can’t keep living like this. We are in a constant state of crisis.
“Each time I start to get my hopes up, each time I have a pleasant interaction with Jennifer, I let myself become a little optimistic and start to like her again . . . and then it all comes crashing down with her next outburst.
“I know a lot of other parents whose kids give them a little trouble sometimes. But Jennifer is in a completely different league! It makes me feel very alone.”
Debbie and Kevin are definitely not alone; there are a lot of Jennifers out there. Their parents often discover that strategies that are commonly used with less difficult kids—such as explaining, reasoning, redirecting, insisting, reassuring, nurturing, ignoring, rewarding, and punishing—don’t accomplish much with their Jennifers (and, for reasons that will soon make a great deal of sense, can actually make things worse). If you started reading this book because you have a Jennifer of your own, you’re probably familiar with how frustrated, confused, angry, bitter, guilty, overwhelmed, spent, scared, and hopeless Jennifer’s parents feel.
But there is hope, as long as the children’s caregivers are willing to take a close look at their beliefs about the factors contributing to concerning behaviors and then apply strategies that are a far cry from discipline-as-usual. In other words, dealing more effectively with these kids requires, first and foremost, an understanding of why they’re responding so poorly to problems and frustrations. In some instances, the understanding part can, by itself, lead to improvements in your interactions with your child, even before any formal strategies are tried.
Your new understanding of your child begins in the next chapter. The new strategies come after that.
* * *
Post-meltdown, Debbie sat glumly at the kitchen table, a lukewarm cup of coffee in front of her. Riley was at a friend’s house. Jennifer was in her bedroom watching a movie, quiet for now. While Debbie wasn’t ecstatic about the amount of time Jennifer spent in front of a screen, she felt it was a small price to pay for peace.
Her dilemma: whether to tell Kevin about the waffle episode. Kevin, a high school teacher, had been at the hardware store during the episode. Under normal circumstances, he was a calm, patient man. But he became a completely different person—screaming, threatening—when Jennifer turned life upside down in the family. He’d never totally lost control, but Debbie was concerned about what he’d do if that ever happened. (Kevin had left marks on Jennifer’s arms back in the days when they’d tried restraining her and holding her in time-out. Debbie had since convinced him that physically restraining Jennifer was a bad idea.)
“I’m not letting that kid rule our lives,” Kevin often fumed. Famous last words, Debbie thought to herself. If she told Kevin of the waffle episode, she risked having him storm down to Jennifer’s room and impose a punishment—taking away her laptop seemed to be his default these days—which would simply ignite another blowout. But if she didn’t tell him, Riley probably would, and then Kevin would accuse her of undermining him as an authority figure.
It was during these quiet times that Debbie tended to reflect on Jennifer, who was difficult the instant she came into the world. The nurses at the hospital forewarned that she and Kevin were in for quite a ride, and Debbie could still picture their smiling faces when they said it. “Freaking hysterical,” she now muttered. There were the countless hours spent trying (often to no avail) to get Jennifer to stop crying as a baby. The three preschools that had decided Jennifer was beyond what they could handle. The early calls from the pre-K teachers about other kids not wanting to play with Jennifer because she was bossy and inflexible and tended to handle disagreements with physical aggression. There was the suggestion from the kindergarten teachers that Jennifer might benefit from testing or from therapy. There were the play therapists with their toys and dolls, the behavioral therapists with their time-outs and sticker charts, the psychiatrists with their medications, the play dates that went badly, the friendship groups Jennifer refused to attend, the diagnoses, the testing.
But most of all, there were still the outbursts.
Their minister urged Debbie to find time for herself. Kevin chuckled when he heard that suggestion: “All you do with your free time is think about Jennifer. You’re obsessed.” And he was right.
Debbie heard the front door open. “Hello,” Kevin called from the front hallway. The hardware store always put him in a good mood.
“In here,” called Debbie.
“Any coffee left?” asked Kevin as he came into the kitchen.
“A little,” Debbie said, trying to sound far more chipper than she felt.
Kevin caught the tone in Debbie’s voice. “What’s the matter?” he said.
“Nothing,” said Debbie.
“What’d she do?” Kevin demanded.
Here we go, thought Debbie. “Oh, we just had a little incident over waffles while you were gone.”
“Waffles?”
“She and Riley both wanted the same waffles . . . not a big deal.”
“Now she’s blowing up over waffles? Geez, what’s it gonna be next? Where is she?” Kevin’s blood was beginning to boil.
“Kevin, I handled it. It’s not a big deal. Really. You don’t need to do anyt
hing.”
“Did she hit you?”
“No, she did not hit me. Kevin, it’s done.”
“You swear she didn’t hit you?” Kevin had become aware of his wife’s tendency to downplay the severity of the outbursts that occurred when he wasn’t around.
“She didn’t hit me.”
Kevin sighed loudly as he sat down dejectedly at the kitchen table. Debbie poured him what was left of the coffee.
“Where’s Riley?”
“At Stevie’s house.”
“Did Jennifer hit him?”
“No. Kevin, there was no hitting. Just some screaming. It’s really over.”
“What’s she doing in her room?”
“Watching a video.”
“So, as usual, she blows up, and we reward her with a video.”
“I’ve never noticed that depriving her of videos keeps her from blowing up the next time. I just wanted some peace.”
“Peace,” scoffed Kevin.
Debbie felt tears welling up in her eyes but pinched them away. “Let’s just try to have a nice day.”
“In this family, there is no such thing.”
2
Your New Lenses Have Arrived
You know the things that are commonly said about kids who exhibit concerning behaviors: they’re manipulative, attention-seeking, unmotivated, stubborn, willful, intransigent, bratty, spoiled, controlling, resistant, out of control, and defiant. There’s more: they are skilled at testing limits, pushing buttons, coercing adults into giving in, and getting their way. You know (perhaps from personal experience) the things that are said about their parents: they’re passive, permissive, inconsistent, neglectful, inept disciplinarians. They botched the job.
Don’t believe any of it. First, most parents of kids with concerning behaviors have other children who are well-behaved, so unless they made the conscious decision to parent competently with one child and incompetently with another, blaming parents for a child’s concerning behavior is a nonstarter. Second, kids who exhibit concerning behaviors don’t exhibit those behaviors all the time, just sometimes. That’s a very big deal, because it permits us to take a closer look at the specific conditions in which they’re exhibiting concerning behaviors.
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