“Just listen,” said Debbie.
The speaker was also saying that instead of putting their energy into rewarding and punishing behavior, adults should instead focus on solving the problems giving rise to those behaviors.
Kevin was confused. “Problems?”
“Yes, problems!” said Debbie. “The stuff we fight with her about all the time! Going to bed at night . . . taking a shower . . . getting up in the morning . . . homework . . . problems! And solving them . . . but not the way we’re doing it now! And he says she acts the way she does because she’s lacking skills!”
Kevin didn’t completely understand, and he was skeptical. His wife spent a lot of time surfing the web, reading blogs and books and magazines, and watching TV shows—anything that might help her with Jennifer. “Just what we need, another doctor making a lot of money on getting saps like us to buy stuff that doesn’t really work.”
“The stuff on this website is free.”
“Nothing is free. What’s he selling?”
“I haven’t noticed that he’s selling anything. He has ideas I haven’t heard before. And they make sense.”
“I’m glad they make sense. Can I go back and watch my game now?”
“This is about our daughter.”
“I spend half of my life thinking about our daughter. You spend your whole life thinking about our daughter. And I really want to watch my game! Where is she, by the way?”
“She’s watching a movie in her bedroom.”
“I knew it was quiet around here. When the movie’s over and she’s going nuts about something, maybe you should track down the doctor in the video so he can help us deal with it. Did he give you his phone number?”
“That doctor says that by the time she’s going nuts it’s already too late.”
“Too late . . .” Kevin’s mind was already elsewhere. “Can I watch my game . . . before I’m too late for the second half?”
“Fine, go watch your game, scream at the television, relax. But I think this guy is on to something.” Debbie turned back to her computer screen.
4
Unsolved Problems
Let’s now turn our attention to when your child is exhibiting concerning behaviors. The key to reducing those behaviors is to solve the problems that are causing them, so identifying your child’s unsolved problems is essential.
Many caregivers believe that a kid’s concerning behaviors are unpredictable and occur “out of the blue.” That may explain why they wait until concerning behaviors “pop up” (yet again) before they try to deal with them (yet again). But most kids with concerning behaviors are reliably set off by the same five or six (or ten or twelve) problems every day or every week. In other words, unsolved problems are predictable—they don’t really “pop up”—so they can be solved proactively. A very important goal of this book is to get you out of the heat of the moment. You want to be in crisis prevention mode, not crisis management mode.
While most parents have no difficulty chronicling their child’s concerning behaviors, pinpointing the problems that are causing those behaviors can be more of a challenge. Remember, unsolved problems are expectations your child is having difficulty meeting. If you expect your child to take out the trash on Tuesday mornings, and they’re not reliably meeting that expectation, then that’s an unsolved problem. If you expect your child to be in bed by 8:30 pm, and they’re not reliably meeting that expectation, that’s an unsolved problem. If you expect your child to be home by a 12 am curfew, and they’re not reliably meeting that expectation, that’s an unsolved problem.
Identifying unsolved problems is a little harder than checking off lagging skills, especially because you’ll want to be very precise in your wording. That’s because the wording of the unsolved problem on the ALSUP is going to translate directly into the words you use when you introduce the unsolved problem to your child when it comes time to solve it. Poorly worded unsolved problems often cause the problem-solving process to come to an immediate halt before it even gets started. So, there are a few guidelines you’ll want to keep in mind. The guidelines aren’t there to make things harder (though it may seem that way at first); they’re there to make it more likely that your child will participate in the problem-solving process.
GUIDELINE #1: The wording of unsolved problems should contain no mention of your child’s concerning behavior. In other words, you wouldn’t write, “Gets upset and kicks brother when having difficulty sharing toys in the playroom.” Instead, start your unsolved problems with the word difficulty and get rid of the concerning behavior altogether: “Difficulty sharing toys with brother in the playroom.”
Why is it important to leave the concerning behavior out of the wording of the unsolved problem? Because many kids become defensive and won’t participate in the problem-solving process if you highlight their concerning behavior at the beginning of that process. And having your child participate in the problem-solving process is really important.
By the way, what almost always comes after the word difficulty is a verb. For example:
Difficulty waking up for school by 7 am
Difficulty completing the algebra worksheet for homework
Difficulty emptying the dishwasher
Difficulty getting started on the word problems worksheet for homework
Difficulty ending the Xbox game to come in for dinner
Difficulty putting away clean laundry
GUIDELINE #2: The wording of the unsolved problem should contain no adult theories. You wouldn’t write “Difficulty completing the paragraphs on the Language Arts homework because she just doesn’t feel like doing them” because “she just doesn’t feel like doing them” is your theory. Follow this rule of thumb: the minute you’re inclined to write the word because in the unsolved problem, stop writing. Everything that comes after because is a theory.
Why is it important to jettison your theories? First, because adult theories about the cause of an unsolved problem are often incorrect. In other words, there’s a decent chance that what you thought was making it difficult for your child to meet a particular expectation is not what is actually making it difficult for your child to meet that expectation. Second, including a theory in the wording of an unsolved problem could make it harder for your kid to think about and tell you what’s making it hard to meet a particular expectation. It’s not your job to know what’s hard; it’s your job to know how to find out. Your child is your best source on what’s making it difficult for them to meet a given expectation. Even if your child is a reluctant talker. Even if your child is nonspeaking.
GUIDELINE #3: Make sure the unsolved problems are “split” rather than “clumped.” Here’s an example of a clumped unsolved problem: Difficulty completing homework. If your child is having difficulty completing many different homework assignments, then clumping the wording of that unsolved problem will make it more difficult for your child to provide information about what’s hard about any of them. So, if your child is having difficulty writing the paragraphs on the Language Arts homework and also having difficulty completing the worksheet on Ponce de Leon, then those are two separate unsolved problems (even though they’re both homework assignments). And if they’re also having difficulty memorizing their multiplication tables, then that’s a separate unsolved problem, too.
Is this guideline going to make your list of unsolved problems very long? Yes, probably. But at least now you know what those unsolved problems are so you can get on with the business of solving them. Isn’t a long list of unsolved problems a bit overwhelming? Yes, coming to an awareness of the sheer number of expectations your child is having difficulty meeting can be a bit jarring. But if that helps you reconsider whether your child can actually meet all those expectations, that would be a good thing. And you’re not going to be solving all of them at once.
* * *
A few nights later, after Jennifer and Riley were in bed, Debbie and Kevin sat down together at the kitchen table. Debbie had printed
out two copies of the ALSUP that she had found on the website. Their goal: to identify Jennifer’s lagging skills and unsolved problems.
“Now, we’re supposed to identify her lagging skills first,” explained Debbie. “So, we just check it off if it applies to Jennifer.”
Kevin began scanning his copy of the ALSUP. “Why are we doing this?”
“Because after all these years, we still don’t know why Jennifer gets so upset so often and so easily,” said Debbie.
Kevin sighed. “And we can figure this out on our own?”
“It’s not like any of the doctors we’ve seen have nailed it,” said Debbie.
“And this sheet of paper is going to tell us?”
“Yes,” said Debbie. “And by the way, I already looked at the list of lagging skills, and she basically lights up the board.”
“You started without me?” said Kevin, feigning insult.
“I start everything without you.” Debbie smiled.
Kevin looked at his copy of the ALSUP. “Where do we put stuff like hitting, and screaming, and swearing?”
“We don’t,” said Debbie. “Those are the things she’s doing because of her lagging skills and unsolved problems.”
“Hitting seems like a pretty big problem to me,” said Kevin.
“Yeah, but that’s not what we’re going to be working on with Jennifer,” said Debbie. “That’s the whole point. All these years we’ve been focused on her behavior, when we should have been focused on solving the problems that cause her behavior.”
“I’m not going to let her hit people,” said Kevin.
“I understand we’re not going to let her hit people,” said Debbie, trying to stay patient. “But we’re going to get rid of the hitting by solving the problems that are causing her to get upset.”
“Jennifer’s always getting upset,” said Kevin.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought at first,” said Debbie. “But she’s not always getting upset. We have to be more specific about when she’s getting upset. Otherwise, we won’t know what problems we’re trying to solve with her. Can we just start? What about this first lagging skill? ‘Difficulty making transitions.’ What do you think?”
“I think that one’s true,” said Kevin.
“I agree,” said Debbie. “So, I’m going to check it off. Let’s decide which of these other lagging skills apply to her.”
They checked off fifteen of the eighteen lagging skills.
“Geez, she’s lacking a lot of skills,” said Kevin, looking a bit unsettled.
“Kinda eye-opening, yes?” said Debbie. “Shall we identify the unsolved problems now?” Kevin tackled this task with greater fervor.
Here’s a partial list of the unsolved problems they identified:
Difficulty eating dinner at the dinner table with family
Difficulty eating what mom makes for dinner
Difficulty eating foods besides waffles for breakfast
Difficulty turning off video when it’s time to go to church
Difficulty agreeing with Riley on what TV show to watch when watching TV together
Difficulty discussing what restaurant to eat at when the family is going out for dinner
Difficulty participating in family movie night
Difficulty completing the Shakespeare worksheet for homework
Difficulty being in bed with the lights out by 9 pm
Difficulty going to church on Sunday morning
Difficulty going to Grandma’s house
Difficulty finding a friend to hang out with on weekends
Notice—you may not need this reminder by now, but just in case—that hitting and screaming and swearing are not included in the wording of the unsolved problems. Again, that’s because those are concerning behaviors and the word difficulty has taken their place.
* * *
“This isn’t so hard,” said Kevin.
“Nope, not hard at all. We should have done this ten years ago.”
“How come we didn’t figure this stuff out before?”
“Because we didn’t know what we didn’t know,” said Debbie.
“She has a lot of unsolved problems,” Kevin observed soberly.
“And all this time, we could have been busy solving them! But that’s not what we’ve been doing! We’ve been getting her diagnosed, and giving her stickers, and punishing her, and yelling at her. We’ve been spinning our wheels!”
“It’s kind of sad that we didn’t know this stuff about our own daughter.”
“Sad for us and sad for her,” said Debbie.
“And don’t forget about Riley,” said Kevin. “So, all those diagnoses she has . . . they don’t mean anything?”
“They certainly didn’t help me understand Jennifer as well as the lagging skills and unsolved problems do,” said Debbie.
“But how are we going to solve all the problems once we know what they are?”
“Let’s stay focused here,” said Debbie. “That comes next.”
* * *
Frankie was playing a video game in his bedroom. Sandra paced in the living room, smoldering. After missing several days of school because of the flu, Frankie had been suspended that day—his first day back—for swearing at a teacher.
They told me they knew how to handle kids like Frankie, Sandra fumed. He promised to try as hard as he could to stay out of trouble. Now he’s blowing it, again. And after only a month!
Anger had been a familiar companion since Sandra was a kid. Back then, it wasn’t just her circumstances that fueled her anger, it was also the sense that she could do very little to change those circumstances. The anger had always energized her to fight harder. But the anger and determination always seemed to backfire in her interactions with Frankie; it just caused him to fight back.
His new school program had given her hope that maybe a corner had been turned. Now this. As she was in the midst of getting her bearings on whether to cry or scream, her phone rang.
It was Debbie, who immediately deciphered Sandra’s agitation. “What happened?” asked Debbie with foreboding.
“Frankie got suspended from school today.”
“I’m sorry. I guess he’s over the flu.”
“Oh, he seems to be back in full force.”
“Did you have to miss work?”
“I had to leave work to pick him up. My boss said I can’t keep doing this.” Sandra tried to keep her voice from trembling. “How the heck am I supposed to make this work?”
“I’m sorry,” said Debbie.
“It’s a freaking special education program! They’re supposed to be able to handle him! What are they sending him home for?”
“Makes no sense,” said Debbie, trying to empathize.
“And I don’t even know what happened! All I know is he swore at someone. What am I supposed to do about it?! I wasn’t there! This always happens. He does well for a while, then he screws it up.”
“What are you going to do?”
“They want me to come to a meeting tomorrow. I have to miss work for that, too. I swear he’s going to get me fired. Then we won’t have a place to live either.”
“I’m sorry,” Debbie said again.
Sandra took a deep breath, exhaling slowly. “So, help me decide who to scream at,” she said, only half joking.
“Who are the candidates?” asked Debbie.
“My son, for starters. But if I scream at him, he’ll scream back, and it’ll get ugly and that never accomplishes anything.”
“OK, so cross him off your list. Who else?”
“Do we have to cross him off the list so fast?” asked Sandra, half joking again. “I cannot tell you how tired I am of dealing with this crap.”
“I know,” said Debbie. “Who else could you scream at?”
“The director of his program at school. But that’s pointless, too. He’ll just think I’m a crazy mom who’s overprotective of her kid and doesn’t understand why he had to suspend him. Been there, done that.”
“Probably worth crossing him off your list, too. Any others?”
“That’s pretty much it. Guess I’m not screaming at anybody.”
“You can scream at me a little if it would help.”
Sandra laughed. “I think I did that already. Sorry.”
“You’ve been dealing with things going badly at school for a long time.” Debbie reflected on the process she and Kevin had just gone through with the ALSUP. “Too bad they’re not focused on his lagging skills and unsolved problems.”
“His what?”
“I found this website . . .” Debbie paused. “You know what, this might not be the best time.”
“Lay it on me, honey. I need a diversion.”
“Are you sure you want to hear about it right now?”
“No time like the present. Is it going to keep my kid in school?”
“Um, I don’t know. But I thought it was pretty informative. It helped us learn things about Jennifer that we didn’t know.”
“Oh, I think I know Frankie pretty well. He hits, he screams, he swears, he gets thrown out of school . . .”
“Well, that’s just it,” said Debbie. “According to this website, those behaviors aren’t the most important thing about Frankie.”
“They seem pretty important to the people who are throwing him out of school,” said Sandra, unconvinced.
“I know. But the important part is why he’s doing those things.”
“He’s doing those things because he’s bipolar. You know that,” said Sandra.
“Bipolar disorder is just his diagnosis,” said Debbie. “But it’s not why he does that stuff.”
“And this website is going to tell me why?”
“Yeah, and what to do about it,” said Debbie.
“Oh, I don’t think there’s anything anybody can do about it,” said Sandra, even more dubious. “He’s been on every medicine known to mankind. He’s pretty severe.”
The Explosive Child Page 4
