Justice rose to his feet and kicked a gold coin out of his path. He exhaled slowly and was instantly composed. I wish I could have said the same about myself, but my anger was seething to a nearly uncontrollable breaking point. Contempt be damned, I thought.
“Your Honor,” Justice said, “fraud is the word of the day.” He shuffled through my gold to stand in front of Martin and Bloodsucker Number One. “They were having relations before my client signed the adoption certificate. It was a scam, a fraud, a devious plan to take money from my client.”
Feminera rose slowly. “Your Honor,” she said, “you can adopt anyone you want. There are no constraints on age, gender, race, or carnal relations. Sinestra could have actually read the adoption certificate he signed and contested it. He did not. Or he could have hired legal counsel way back when to contest it. He did not. And clearly Martin is in need of support.”
The Head Magistrate nodded. “You know that she is correct, Justice. This adoption is valid.”
“What?” I screamed. “How is that bloody possible?”
The Head Magistrate turned his steely gaze at me and raised his gavel. “I have had enough of you, Mr. Sinestra.”
“Wait, Your Honor,” Justice cried. “My client does not have to support Martin for he is dead!”
Bloodsucker Number One collapsed in a well-practiced fit of hysterics. “My son, my son,” she wailed, throwing herself on Martin’s lifeless corpse. “Oh, my poor son, you were taken too soon!”
“Oh, please!” I yelled. “Will someone shut that woman up?”
In the commotion, the clerk had scuttled over to Martin and nodded to the Head Magistrate, confirming that Martin the Navigator had indeed dearly departed the courtroom. “I am going to shut you up, Mr. Sinestra,” the Head Magistrate screamed. “I find you in arrears!”
“I am a rear?” I exclaimed. “Well, you, Your Honor, are a gigantic ass!”
I only understood what transpired next after I saw Harvis again, and he filled me in on the details. After I left Harvis’s farm via crystal, Garlic had howled once in her frustration, but then apparently scented me. She did not leave the farm but scoured the premises with her nose to the ground, looking for what, Harvis did not know. A few days later Harvis was doing some work in the barn, and Garlic snuffled in, her nose leading her to the crystal that I had dropped. She gulped it down and disappeared. “Curses,” Harvis had exclaimed. “That cannot be good.”
There was an audible pop in the courtroom as the Head Magistrate’s gavel struck the bench, and I found myself gagged. Garlic leaped up on Justice’s table and gnawed the gag off me. The deputies descended to try and catch her and received some lacerations for their troubles. The Head Magistrate struck his gavel again, and tiny chains came up from the floor, threatening to entrap the Maltese, but a few well-aimed barks disintegrated the chains, and she was in no danger. She bounded to and fro and could not figure out how to free me without injuring me. The court guard entered the courtroom, and Garlic’s bark was of no use against their riot shields, which merely absorbed the bark’s energy with no consequences. Garlic found herself backed into the corner and leaped to the Head Magistrate’s bench.
“Garlic, stand down,” I called.
Head Magistrate Gulth Scorn whirled to look at the vampire Maltese that had dared take up residence on his desk, then his dark, soulless eyes found me. “Mr. Sinestra, I find both you and your dog in contempt. I sentence you both to fifty years.”
Garlic snarled at him and squatted on his desk. “No!” I screamed. “Garlic, no.”
Garlic proceeded to let the Head Magistrate know what she thought of his order. He grimaced at the steaming Maltese excrement on his desk. We had just enraged the Great Decider, and the Breaker of the Bold was now going to break us! “Make it one hundred years,” Scorn said. “Case dismissed. Now get these ingrates out of my sight!”
Chapter 5
The doors of my jail cell clanged shut, and the blindfold that covered my eyes and the chains that bound me instantly disappeared. I could see the faint shadows of the faerie jailers walking away as my eyes adjusted to my dark and dank surroundings. The faeries were still talking and laughing about what Garlic had done on the Head Magistrate’s bench. I was apparently a minor celebrity of sorts in this wretched place.
I was in a holding cell in the back of the IDC courthouse. One very small window let in the tiniest bit of sound and light, and my ears could pick up the faint bark of dogs, which signaled the kennel where Garlic had been taken. The walls of my cell were many feet thick, and the door was reinforced with steel and demon magic, escape proof even for the most powerful immortal being. A wooden bucket was my toilet, and it came complete with the petrified remnants of the previous occupant. Justice said he would try to get me moved somewhere tropical and pleasant to serve out my sentence. “Do you good to get out of this part of the world,” he had said. He had encouraged me to serve my time and then go see Hedley Edrick. “Get a serious education,” Justice said. I, however, was encouraged by the pleasant thought of educating my fists and fangs on Bloodsucker Number One, the Head Magistrate, and yes, even Justice.
There was a great commotion in the courtyard outside my cell. I couldn’t see what the ruckus was about no matter what angle I peered from. Then an explosion rocked the courthouse, causing a slight tremor to vibrate through the thick walls. A second explosion soon followed, but this one was closer. Then a third blast caused dust particles to drift down from the ceiling and the very floor to visibly shake and shimmy. I huddled in the corner opposite the wall that faced the courtyard. It sounded like all Hell was breaking loose, and since it was only a short distance away, that was a distinct possibility.
Right before my cell wall exploded into dust, I heard a familiar bark and then, bounding through the hail of dust and stones, came Garlic right into my arms. She licked my face and yelped happily. “Good girl,” I said, standing with Garlic still in my arms. “I missed you too!” And the truth is, I really had. We stepped out into the welcoming sunlight and right into the custody of an entire legion of well-armed deputies, spears at the ready.
“Sirio Sinestra,” the chief deputy said, pointing his spear at my throat, which elicited a growl from both me and Garlic, “you are hereby under arrest.”
“For what?” I said calmly.
“Escaping your jail cell,” he replied.
I looked at him in disbelief. “Escape? Now how is that bloody possible? From what cell? My cell has no walls. What did you want me to do, sit in the dust and wait for you?”
“Silence,” he commanded sternly.
I motioned to the jail cell. “This place is unsafe, what with those poor excuses for walls. How is a prisoner supposed to feel safe? Place ought to be condemned. I demand to see—” Before I could utter Justice’s name, I found myself bound and gagged once again. They had the sense to leave Garlic with me as we made our way to the Head Magistrate’s courtroom.
Justice was waiting for me with a mixture of amusement and trepidation on his face. He held a hand out to pet Garlic and took it back quickly when she snarled. “Okay, then,” he said. “A fine mess you’ve got yourself into.”
“Mmff,” I said through my gag, and shrugged my shoulders. I looked at the bench and saw the Head Magistrate was already seated. He stared first at me, then at Garlic, disapprovingly.
He waved his hand, and my gag and chains disappeared, and I took a seat next to Justice. Garlic sat happily at my feet, her eyes trained on the Head Magistrate. She showed just enough of her teeth that it looked like she was smiling. The Head Magistrate was not amused.
He cleared his throat. “Sirio Sinestra, you are charged with the unprecedented destruction of the courthouse jail and escape from same.”
“Your Honor.” Justice stood. “If I may.”
The Head Magistrate sighed. “Justice, you have just about used up all the good will that you
have with the court.”
Justice nodded. “I am aware of that, Your Honor. But Mr. Sinestra is innocent. He had no control over this dog destroying the jail. She is no ordinary dog, as you yourself have seen. She is a vampire and entirely sentient.”
“Hold it right there, Justice,” said the Head Magistrate. “You would have this Immortal Divorce Court believe that Mr. Sinestra did not train this dog to help him escape?”
“Correct, Your Honor.”
“And that she is a vampire Maltese?”
“Yes, Your Honor,” Justice replied. Garlic had grown bored with the proceedings and lay down at my feet for a nap. I nudged her with my foot, and her eyes flicked open. She turned her head away from the Head Magistrate, winked at me, then tucked her head under her body. Yep, I was going to take the fall for this, all right, I thought.
“All right, Mr. Justice,” the Head Magistrate said. “Assuming I buy your argument, how do we prove her sentience? Do we put her on trial? Or do we just execute her?” Garlic’s eyes flickered open at the word execute, and I saw her body slowly sliding into position to escape if need be.
“Simple, Your Honor,” Justice said. “We do not have to even get to that point. As the only known vampire Maltese in existence, Garlic qualifies as an endangered species and cannot by law be harmed in any fashion.”
“Very clever,” said the Head Magistrate.
“Thank you, sir,” Justice said. “I thought as much.” Garlic was now visibly relaxed and rolled over onto her back and scratched it against the floor. Milking it, that one was, I thought.
“So, I can’t kill the mutt, and your client is innocent of all charges. Is that what you want me to rule?” said the Head Magistrate.
“Yes, sir.”
“Frankly I would like to execute the whole lot of you, that blasted vampire Maltese especially,” the Head Magistrate said. “Clearly, Justice, you win on the endangered species argument. But I saw the look in her eyes before she did her business on my bench. She meant to do it. Of course, I can’t prove that. So, I am going to do the next best thing—for me. Sinestra, as the closest thing to an owner that canine calamity has, is responsible for the destruction of this courthouse. So, the two of them will be serving the remainder of his sentence in the tenth level of Hell. Together.”
I gulped, remembering Justice’s words about that particular place. If it was bad for a demon, how could a vampire survive? He turned to me and smiled. “Well, I did say I would get you somewhere tropical.”
Garlic and I stayed in yet another holding cell for a few days while the Head Magistrate worked out my transfer to Hell. To his credit, Justice seemed to be working overly hard to delay the transfer for some reason. What was the big deal? Like it mattered if I went there now or next week. I ended up staying the weekend in the holding cell with Garlic. The faeries brought us both some fairly tasty wine, a local Greek vintage with delicious minerality, and they seemed to be treating us with a good deal more respect. Or was it pity?
Justice came by to bid us adieu. “I bought you as much time as I could,” he said. “You are just going to have to figure this one out on your own.”
I did not know whether I should thank him for the extra few days of life before I faced certain incineration. I tried to ask him how to survive the tenth level of Hell, but he brushed me off. “Don’t worry about it,” he said, and winked at me. “You will be fine. I’ll see you in about a hundred years. Stay out of trouble.”
Trouble? It was going to be very hard to get into trouble as a pile of ash. The faerie guard came in full riot gear, complete with masks over their faces. I reached down and scooped up Garlic for what would be a very short walk. The guards chained my feet and hands together to eliminate any possibility of escape. I hoped there would be an opportunity for Garlic to save herself, but she just lay in my arms passive and limp as could be.
The guards marched us out of the courthouse and onto the streets, which were completely deserted. It seemed court was not in session while they attended to the matter of repairs. If the Head Magistrate had not given all my gold to Bloodsucker Number One, what remained surely would have been forfeit for the repair bill. We went out the back gate of the village, and there before me lay the Gates of Hell. The pungent odor of sulfur assaulted my nostrils, and Garlic burrowed even deeper into my arms. I saw the guards adjusting their masks and realized their garb was for this literally accursed place and not for me. I could sense they were uneasy, and clearly those who accompanied me had drawn the short straws of guard detail. The gates had been built with rows and rows of disembodied skulls all stacked one upon another, and they screamed a welcoming chorus of doom and despair as the gates slowly creaked open.
Clouds of sulfur and brimstone billowed at us, and without our vampire constitutions, Garlic and I would have been bent over in a choking heap. As it was, it was all I could do to keep walking. Garlic let out an audible whine and was clearly second-guessing her loyalty to me. The gates clanged shut behind us, and thankfully the clouds of sulfur passed, and the wailing of the lost souls stopped. Before me lay a desolate landscape, pockmarked with pools of fire and adorned with piles of rotting carrion. A path wide enough to walk single file along a spit of granite led us deeper into Hell. The leader of the guards motioned for me to lead the way. I took my place in front of the line and began my descent.
Suddenly, a strange humanoid creature whose very innards adorned his skin like living, breathing tattoos, jumped out from behind a boulder, barring our way. He screamed unintelligibly and shook his arms but made no move to attack. Garlic did not move in my arms, and the guards stood stoically behind me, leaving me to deal with this loathsome creature. He seemed quite perturbed that he got no reaction from us.
“I am the Bogeyman,” he yelled. “I have come to take your souls.”
I shrugged. “You are most assuredly not the Bogeyman,” I said. “My dog powdered him into bits last week.”
The creature was now definitely confused. He stood on his toes, and spread his arms wide. “I am a vampire,” he said. “I will suck the blood from your body and crush your soul.”
I sighed. “I say, good chap,” I said, “I do not know what you are, but you are most assuredly not a vampire.”
“How do you know?” The creature looked as befuddled as was possible with a brain where his face should be.
“Because I am an actual vampire,” I replied. “My parents are vampires. And their parents are vampires. And you, sir, are no vampire.”
“Well, I could be one.”
I sighed again. “No, you could not, and you are not one,” I said, growing more irritated with the heat and the imbecile in front of me. “Get your story straight. Yes, we drink blood, and love an exceedingly rare steak, but we do not and cannot crush a soul. Good heavens, what did they do, put your ass where your brain should be?”
The creature peered through an eyeball located where his armpit should have been, and saw the Immortal Divorce Court guards for apparently the first time. “Oh, the IDC,” he said. “My mistake. Carry on.” He waved what looked to be an arm. “You may pass. Sorry about that. You never even saw me, all right?” He hurried behind the boulder and disappeared.
With every step, the air grew hotter and hotter, and with no breeze to speak of, sweat dripped off my brow and evaporated with a small hiss when it struck the parched earth. Garlic’s head was now firmly tucked into my armpit. Justice had told me this area where we now walked was called Limbo, and I could see yet another gate in front of me that marked the entrance to the first level of Hell. The gate was an amorphous blob of black tar, and every once in a while I could see a disembodied limb jut out in a failed attempt at escape. The guards stopped a good fifty paces before the gate and saluted me. They removed my chains and stood behind me as I turned to face the gate, which did not open so much as create a passageway through the black tar. I took a deep breath, knowing it wa
s my last that would not stink of sulfur, and walked onward to the gate and passed through. Welcome to Hell.
For an instant, in a landscape dotted with flaming pools of acid and rivers of black sludge, I saw nothing but the distorted faces of countless tortured souls and heard nothing but the painful wails that emanated from their parched lips as they tried to escape the pursuit of demons brandishing all manner of fiendish weapons. Then, everything just changed, and I mean changed! Gone were the demons and the tortured souls. Gone too were the flaming pools of acid and the rivers of black sludge. I stood now on a grassy hill high above the lushest, greenest valley I had ever seen. A rainbow painted the blue sky with a myriad of vibrant colors, and down in the valley I could see what looked to be unicorns cavorting in a meadow. In the distance at the very end of the valley, I could barely make out the spires of a great castle made of sparkly stones that reflected back to my shocked eyes all the colors of the rainbow above.
Had I just been incinerated, and was this actually Heaven, if such a fair place existed? Garlic popped her head up and yelped happily. She did not care where we were as long as the fire and stink of the dead was gone. I set her down, and I pinched my arm, reassured to feel my skin. Garlic reassured herself by peeing on a bush.
I made my way down a path and into the valley. As I drew nearer to the meadow, the unicorns scented my maleness and retreated to a far corner, eying me with suspicion. It was like I was toxic to them. Their leader pawed the ground with her front hoof, and the others fell in behind her. I was pretty far removed from virginal and pristine at this point in my life. Did unicorns stampede? I was betting those hooves could do some serious damage. Not needing to take a chance on that happening, I gave them an even wider berth.
We walked by fields bursting with vegetables and gardens of flowers that painted a rainbow on the warm earth. Then, out of a nearby farmhouse came a servant girl dressed in a simple work dress and sunbonnet. Tresses of greenish-black hair fell over her deliciously bare shoulders. Her dress reached just past her knees, and she walked barefoot into the flower garden. Ignoring me, she flitted like a butterfly among the flowers, caressing them gently. The flowers fairly strained at their roots to feel her touch, and as she sang softly to them, her voice clear and enchanting, I strangely felt the same way.
My Ex-Wife Said Go to Hell Page 8
