I exhaled deeply. “Why a mere vampire like me could satisfy Persephone so completely, and you, a god, could not.”
Hades did not laugh. Hades did not let loose the bident upon me. He merely stroked his beard thoughtfully. “Sinister,” he said, “there is very little that happens in this world of ours that I do not control or comprehend. But that indeed is something I do not have the answer to. Tell me now, or I will kill you.”
“Weren’t you going to kill me anyway, or at least torture me for all eternity?”
Hades snorted loudly. “Uh, yes! It is what I do, vampire. Why should you be any different from the masses of the world?”
”Because I am the only creature in the world that has done to Persephone what you could not,” I said. “And it is driving you insane, isn’t it?”
Hades sighed. “What do you want?”
“Freedom, of course,” I said. “For me and for Garlic, and you must give me your word that the mark on my life is satisfied forever.”
“But forever is such a long time,” Hades said. “Surely you will be in my clutches eventually.”
“Maybe,” I said. “But lately I have turned over a new leaf. I am a new man. I have a whole bunch of ladies to live for now. And I plan to do so honorably.”
“You still have a few more whores in your future,” Hades exclaimed. “You cannot help yourself.”
I laughed, wondering if my burning feet were causing so much smoke, why didn’t I feel any pain? “Plowing the field with a few ladies of loose morals does not make me evil,” I said. “My heart is always in the right place. And that is a clue to the truth you seek!”
“Very well, Sinister,” Hades said, reaching for a goblet of wine from one very brave nymph. “You and your little dog are free. That is, if, and only if, I am satisfied with your answer. Deal?”
“Deal,” I said, knowing full well that making deals with the Lord of the Underworld usually only leads to eternal damnation. But I had an ace in the hole—the truth.
“All right,” Hades said, returning to sit on his throne, instantly surrounded by the willing nymphs. “You do realize you are keeping the Lord of the Underworld and purveyor of pain waiting, yes?”
“I always give the woman I am with my complete heart and soul,” I said. “As you know, that hasn’t always worked out so well for me. But, every single time, I love hard, love all the way.”
Hades scoffed. “That is your truth? Please!” He flicked a nymph on the nipple and rolled his eyes. “That cannot be it.”
“But it is,” I said. “I am always my true self with any woman I am with. They feel it from me. They know they are getting every bit of me. So, when we are making love, it is actually my love I am giving them.”
“What a colossal heap of cow manure,” Hades replied, a disappointed look on his face. “You give them real love? With your phallus? I ought to cut that thing off you and beat you to death with it! That is rich!” He arose from his throne, bident in hand, with evil, not love in his heart. And then I realized too late that was why he could never understand what I was saying.
“But, it is true, Highness,” one of the elf sisters said quietly.
Hades stopped dead in his tracks. “How many of you have been with Sinister?” His eyes went to the twenty hands that were raised. “Is it true?” he commanded. A chorus of muted yeses came from the nymphs who had raised their hands. “Okay, they probably just feel sorry for the handsome man that is going to be nailed to the front door for all eternity,” he said. “I have another question that will seal your fate, Sinister. How many of you ladies want to be with Sinister?”
One by one, all of the nymphs’ hands went up, and for the first time in eons, or perhaps ever, Hades’s mouth fell wide open. Jova could only shake his head in bewilderment, and Garlic yelped happily. There was a great clang as the Blade of Truth finished burning through my scabbard and clattered to the floor in front of Hades. “That explains what was burning,” I said, stepping forward to retrieve the sword. “I had thought it was me.”
Hades had risen off his throne and stood above me, and as I leaned down to pick up my sword, I saw Hades’s image reflected back at me, and gasped in astonishment. I did not see a hulking ten-foot monster with rippling muscles, heavy black beard, and a permanent sneer. I saw something else entirely. Something I absolutely could not believe! And Hades knew it.
“What did you see, Sinister?”
“Your true self,” I said. “And it explains why you have never found what you are searching for. Am I correct, you can take any form, be anything, or anyone?”
“Yes,” Hades said. “I am a god! Of course I can. What form did you see?”
“A woman,” I said, closing my eyes and waiting for the bident to pierce me, a host of demons to tear me asunder, and a great conflagration to incinerate me. But there was only stunned silence, so I opened my eyes again and continued. “I see a woman of uncommon intelligence, beauty, and one capable of love, but a woman nonetheless. That, Hades, is apparently your true self.”
Before my eyes, Hades changed into the vision I had seen, shrinking down to a human-sized woman in a red leather corset, with long dark hair, gorgeous features, and a lean muscular body that was undeniably female in every way. Hades sighed happily, looking down at herself. “I feel different,” she said. “I feel—free. Who knew? The devil is a woman.”
“I had my suspicions,” I blurted out, instantly biting my tongue. “But, you are now your true self, and that is the most important thing you can be.”
Hades reached her hand out and stroked a nymph lightly on the cheek. “But, I still adore women,” she said. “And that I guess explains why I like to torture humanity so much, I suppose.”
“You are the Lady of the Underworld,” I said. “You can adore whomever you want. I adore freedom, and we had a deal. Set me and Garlic free, Hades. The mark on my life is satisfied for I have given you a new one. A deal is a deal.”
Hades reluctantly removed her hand and gaze from the nymph, who seemed to be quite all right with the attention and downright excited with her master’s new appearance. “A deal is a deal,” Hades said. “You are free to leave. I am a little upset that you managed to escape even a little bit of torture.”
“I understand completely,” I said. “And I thankfully didn’t get to meet Death.”
“I may be fluid, but Death and its instruments are most assuredly not, and to be honest, I do not need any party poopers in the Underworld while I explore my new self,” Hades said. “But in any incarnation of the awesomeness that is me, that creature that comes for you when your time is at an end would not fit in here. Some things are sacred, you know?” Hades looked to the flood of fantastic females that were literally waiting on her hand, foot, breast, and naughty parts. “Yum,” Hades said, tweaking a nearby nipple. “Grown-ass women . . .”
I nodded like I knew what in the hell Hades was talking about, but realized the Grim Reaper, with bones not boobs, would be out of place in a ménage à god. But what if, in the shock of shocks, the Grim Reaper was a girl? Would that really be a surprise to any denizen of the world that had testicles? Maybe when Hades changed appearances so did the Grim Reaper. Hades was now definitely all woman. I tried to look objectively at Hades from a man’s perspective, but could not channel any feeling but wanting to get out of Hell. I did wonder, however, what Persephone’s reaction would be to her ex-husband, er, now ex-wife. It might explain a lot of things to that lovely lady. I nodded in agreement, and promptly looked to collect Jova and, hopefully, get the hell out of Hell.
I turned to Jova. “Are you coming or staying?”
Jova shrugged and addressed Hades. “I was done with my work here, but since there have been some new developments, I wonder, Lady of the Underworld, if I might stay for just a little while longer and try out some new ideas.”
“Suit yourself, Bogeyman,” Hades re
plied. “Of any creature, mortal or immortal, I do find you and your work the most entertaining. Anyone can kill, maim, or murder, but it takes a real talent to scare a person to death.”
I pulled Jova into a big bear hug. “Until we meet again,” I said.
“Stay safe,” Jova said. “And try not to keep the ladies of the world so entertained.”
I laughed and became very aware of all the nymphly eyes on me. “No promises,” I said. “It is after all part of my truth, apparently.” I looked over to the Lady of the Underworld, busying herself with undressing a few more nymphs. “There is one more thing,” I said. “Garlic was wearing a certain collar when she came here—a certain collar with some useful qualities.”
“You mean this collar,” Hades replied, patting a different nymph on the rear end as the nymph came forward with the collar on a silver platter.
“Yes, thank you,” I replied, taking the collar and bending to place it back around Garlic’s neck. Reflected in the sparkling crystals were the flames of the candles behind me, a reminder of the inferno all around me. “It’s going to be good to get somewhere a little cooler than here, no offense.”
“Oh, none taken,” said Hades ever so sweetly. “You are one of but a few to walk out of Hell unscathed, Sirius Sinister—and you managed to accomplish that twice. What do mortals say—it is better to be lucky than good?”
I laughed. “That is said by mortals and immortals that aren’t any good.”
Hades laughed long and hard, and the nymphs joined in with her. “And on that note, Sirius Sinister, it is time to bid you adieu.” Garlic barked loudly, and her collar shimmered with a familiar red glow of the crystals, or was that just reflected fire? But this time, I knew what to expect, and readied myself to swoop Garlic into my arms and jump into the great swirling wormhole forming in front of Hades’s throne.
“Home, Garlic,” I said. “Take us home to Sa Dragonera.” Garlic barked again, and was in my arms, burrowing deep into my chest. She was as ready as I was to get out of Hell.
As I jumped into the wormhole, I heard Hades say out loud, or perhaps it was in my head like old times, Enjoy the cold . . . I am sure it is to die for . . .
But wait. Sa Dragonera isn’t cold!
Acknowledgments
I would like to thank my iridescent wife Susie for her unparalleled patience, understanding, and love as I created the Immortal Divorce Court universe. Writing a book is an incredibly personal experience as you are literally sharing yourself with the world. So, I want to thank Susie for allowing me to share some of the most intimate and inspirational parts of our relationship, because when you write about relationships you are not only sharing yourself, but the person you are in a relationship with. Susie is my island in the stream, my soft place to land, and she is always by my side wielding her own assassin’s sword, fighting my fight. Yes, our relationship is really that damn good.
I am extremely grateful to my Maltese, Daisy for serving as the model for one of the most legendary characters ever created—Garlic, the Vampire Maltese. Sure, I may grumble as I take her outside to do her business in the snow, rain, or in the dead of night, but there is no other dog I would want barking incessantly at me because I am too slow to get her a treat. Simply put, Daisy is one of my favorite people on the planet.
Finally, I would like to express my gratitude not only to my friends and family, but also to my detractors, enemies, and haters. You all know which of these categories you fall into.
About the Author
For the last twenty-plus years, Kirk Zurosky has practiced plaintiffs’ personal injury and workers’ compensation law with his firm, Tippens & Zurosky.
He started writing about the adventures of Sirius Sinister as a means of personal therapy to cope with a contentious divorce that felt endless, having no idea at first that it would turn into the seven-book Immortal Divorce Court series. Incorporating his own legal experiences into the books, Kirk puts a playful and racy spin on the worst-case scenarios that can possibly crop up in divorce court.
Kirk lives in Charlotte, North Carolina, with his wife, Susie, and their wannabe-vampire Maltese, Daisy.
My Ex-Wife Said Go to Hell Page 40
