“Jackson?” I can’t help the smile that kind of lands on my face when I think of Jackson. “He was like Ian is now. You know. Scrawny. Shy. Bit of a loser, before me.” And she laughs at that. “He was a good kid. Thank God I fixed him.”
“Okay,” she says. “And you. What do you think of yourself during that time, Nate?”
“What?”
“What do you remember about yourself?”
“I don’t know what you mean.” I shift in the chair again. “I was just me.”
“You want to know how I remember you?” she asks, and I open up my arms like Go for it. “Shorter. A smart aleck.” I smirk but she doesn’t stop there. “But I also remember a boy who felt like there were a lot of things out of his control. Your dad walking out on you, your mom not handling it so well, and then Kirby Matheson—”
“And then Matheson comes along and tries to steal the last good thing I got left,” I say before she can keep going, and I am acutely aware of how right out of the pages of some thirteen-year-old girl’s diary I sound. But it’s true. There’s no better way to put it. Matheson tried to take Jackson from me when I needed him more. I chew on my thumbnail. “You know, he didn’t just find me and Jackson at the river. He followed us there, just looking for a space he could fit himself in. He wasn’t even trying to hide it. Who the fuck does that?”
“Someone who wants a friend,” Miri says.
“No . . .” I stop, laugh. “Okay.”
“Okay what?”
“That’s your lead-in, right? You’re trying to make me guilty.”
“Why would you think that?” she asks.
“Because that’s what everyone’s doing.” I start ticking it off on my fingers. “Katy thinks I should feel guilty. She thinks this should be eating me alive. My mom thinks I should be blaming myself; my little brother thinks Kirby should’ve killed me. And now you, you’re sitting here trying to make me feel bad because you think Matheson wanted to be my friend? And what, he went on a shooting spree because I told him to fuck off?”
“No, Nate, that’s not it at all,” she says, but I’m not buying it, because otherwise people wouldn’t keep saying this shit to me. “After a violent tragedy like this, it’s not uncommon for people to be determined to make sense of it. You’ve got a loaded history with Kirby Matheson and you seem fixated on it—”
“Not more than anyone else.”
“It’s not quite the same.” She pauses. “You’re focused on the past, but not in a productive way.” She stares at me, and I make myself stare right back. “You see, I don’t think you knew Kirby was capable of what he did, and Kirby’s not around to tell us why he killed his classmates. It’s nobody’s fault, but it’s important that when we have these opportunities to look inward, we do. To realize it’s not really about Kirby now, it’s about what’s left.” She leans back in her chair, surveys me. “And if you don’t deal with it, it’s going to deal with you.”
* * *
“So how was it?” Katy asks me from the front step.
“Pointless,” I say. “My mom asked me when I think I’ll be ready to go back to school this morning. Yours bugging you yet?”
“No,” she says. “What do you think it’s going to be like?”
I dribble the basketball against the driveway. Even this little movement bugs the sore parts of my body, but I grit my teeth against it. Pretend it doesn’t hurt until it goes away.
“I don’t know. I haven’t really thought about it.”
I’ve thought about it a lot. About what it’s going to be like to take those first steps inside, to find the place so changed. Katy said there’s been talk about building some kind of memorial, because it’s not like you can pretend it never happened, and no one’s going to tear the school down to forget it. We’ll just live with our dead until we join them.
“What if something happens?” she asks. “What if someone—”
“No one took a shot at you,” I tell her. “The only person who might have is dead. You’ve got nothing to be afraid of, Katy.”
I toss the basketball and watch it bounce off the basket. One of our spare balls. It rolls down the driveway, out onto the street. I turn to Katy. Our eyes meet. She gets to her feet and jogs after it, manages to reach it before it finds its way into the road. She tosses it to me.
“Let’s go upstairs,” I tell her.
“Okay.”
I watch her head in. As soon as the door is closed behind her, I roll the basketball down the driveway and watch it reach a new puddle across the street. When I go inside, Katy is talking to Ian at the kitchen table. He’s working out some math problems and she’s helping him because, like I said, my girl’s smart. Katy scruffs up his hair and then she laces her fingers through mine.
“Stay down here for an hour or so,” I tell him. He doesn’t answer. I smack him on the back with my free hand and get a grunt of acknowledgment. “Dick.”
“Fuck off,” he grumbles.
In the bedroom, Katy takes off her pants while I take off mine.
“How do you think Mrs. Parker is doing?” she asks me.
“Not too good,” I say. “Not too good at all.”
I toss my pants on the floor and watch her take off her shirt, because I always like to watch that part. She catches me, turns pink, and even smiles a little while I admire her, and for a minute it’s like everything’s how it was. This is me and her, like it always is, and Jackson’s downstairs, sitting on the couch, maybe playing video games with Ian and silently lamenting the fact he’s never the one who’s getting laid. And Matheson—Matheson’s just this brief moment in time that never amounted to anything.
Jackson’s just downstairs. . . .
I’m so lost in it that I grab the edge of my overshirt and pull it a little upward before I realize what I’m doing, and then it all hits me at once. I let it go before Katy can see what’s underneath. My arms hang uselessly at my sides. The moment is over, except that’s not true—it never really existed.
“What?” she asks.
“Can I ask you a question?”
“You can ask me anything,” she says.
The quiet stretches between us, and in that quiet I think of Jackson and the bullet, his body in my arms. I think of Kirby Matheson and the gun he always had even when we couldn’t see it. I think of my fist against his face when my hands were no bigger than Ian’s. I think of Jackson’s blood. How I was covered in it. It seeped through my clothes, stained my skin red. I took a shower that same night, peeled out of my shirt, and I’ll never forget the tacky feeling of it separating from me. After I washed myself off, I remembered Kennedy and the pink dress and how it’s been kept safe, and I couldn’t throw my shirt away or wash it out. I feel it now, settled against me, the blood long since dried, the deep red turned rusty brown. That’s never coming out, what’s left.
What if it’s my fault he’s dead?
“Nate?” Katy tilts her head. “What is it?”
“Nothing. Never mind.” I clear my throat. “I’m, uh—I’m going to leave the shirt on.”
She takes my hand and hers is warm.
“Come on,” she says.
* * *
Katy gets off of me and I let my gaze drift out the window beside the bed. The basketball sits in the puddle where I left it. After a moment the boy is there too.
My reflection, faint in the glass.
ABOUT THE AUTHORS
“Miss Susie” by Steve Brezenoff
Steve Brezenoff is the author of the young adult novels Guy in Real Life; The Absolute Value of -1; and Brooklyn, Burning, as well as dozens of chapter books for younger readers. He grew up on Long Island, spent his twenties in Brooklyn, and now lives in Minneapolis with his wife, Beth, who is also a writer for children, and their children, Sam and Etta.
“Violent Beginnings” by Beth Revis
Beth Revis is the New York Times bestselling author of the Across the Universe trilogy and the companion novel, The Body Electric, as well as
numerous short stories. She’s currently working on several new YA novels in her rural North Carolina home with her family and dogs.
“Survival Instinct” by Tom Leveen
Tom Leveen is the author of several YA novels, including Party, Sick, Random, and Shackled. His novel Zero was a YALSA Best Book of 2013. Tom has twenty-two years of theater experience as an actor and director, and frequently teaches and speaks at high schools, universities, and conferences. One of his goals in life is to help people know and believe that their words, written or spoken, can make the world a pretty awesome place. So? What d’you say? He’s on Facebook, Twitter, and at tomleveen.com.
“The Greenest Grass” by Delilah S. Dawson
Delilah S. Dawson is the author of Hit, Servants of the Storm, and the Blud series, including Wicked as They Come, Wicked After Midnight, and Wicked as She Wants, winner of the RT Book Reviews Steampunk Book of the Year and May Seal of Excellence for 2013. She has short stories in the Carniepunk, Unbound, and Three Slices anthologies in addition to novellas and comics. Her next book is Wake of Vultures, written as Lila Bowen. Delilah lives in the north Georgia mountains with her husband, two kids, a floppy mutt named Merle, and a Tennessee Walking Horse named Polly. Delilah dealt with bullying and depression in high school and tried to take her own life. She’s glad she failed, because it really did get better. (www.whimsydark.com)
“Feet First” by Margie Gelbwasser
Margie Gelbwasser has written for many magazines including SELF, Ladies’ Home Journal, Parents, New Jersey Monthly, and Girls’ Life. She’s had two YA novels published by Flux. Inconvenient (2010) was named a 2011 Sydney Taylor Notable Book for Teens, and Kirkus called Pieces of Us (2012) “suspenseful, disturbing, and emotionally fraught.” She also writes middle-grade books under the name Margaret Gurevich. Chloe by Design: Making the Cut (Capstone, 2014) her first middle-grade novel, is billed as a “Project Runway for Teens,” and received praise from School Library Journal, VOYA, Booklist, and Kirkus. The sequel, Balancing Act, will be published by Capstone in September 2015. She lives in New Jersey with her math-wiz husband and superhero-loving son.
“The Perfect Shot” by Shaun David Hutchinson
Shaun David Hutchinson is the author of The Deathday Letter, fml, and The Five Stages of Andrew Brawley. His fourth novel, We Are the Ants, is set to rule the world in spring 2016. He lives with his partner and dog in South Florida and watches way too much Doctor Who.
“The Girl Who Said No” by Trish Doller
Trish Doller is the author of The Devil You Know; Where the Stars Still Shine, an Indie Next List Pick; and Something Like Normal, which was a finalist for NPR’s Best Teen Books of All Time, among many other accolades. She has been a newspaper reporter, radio personality, and bookseller, and lives in Fort Myers, Florida, with a relentlessly optimistic Border collie and a pirate.
“Pop” by Christine Johnson
Christine Johnson grew up in, moved away from, and finally came home to Indianapolis, Indiana. She lives there with her two kids. She likes all kinds of things, but making things up and writing them down is her favorite. Follow her on Twitter—@cjohnsonbooks.
“Presumed Destroyed” by Neal Shusterman and Brendan Shusterman
Neal Shusterman is the New York Times bestselling and award-winning author of Bruiser, which was a Cooperative Children’s Books Center (CBCC) choice, a YALSA Popular Paperbacks for Young Adults pick, and on twelve state lists; The Schwa Was Here; and the Unwind dystology, among many other books. He lives in California with his four children.
Brendan Shusterman, whose artwork inspired many elements of Challenger Deep, is a budding artist and author—not just following in his father’s footsteps, but blazing trails of his own.
“The Second” by Blythe Woolston
Blythe Woolston lives and writes in Montana. Her first novel, The Freak Observer, earned the William C. Morris award. She followed with Catch & Release and Black Helicopters, which was shortlisted for the Montana Book Award and won the High Plains Book Award for YA. Her fourth novel, MARTians, lands in October 2015.
“Astroturf” by E. M. Kokie
E. M. Kokie writes about teens, particularly those on the cusp of life-changing moments. Her debut novel, Personal Effects (Candlewick Press, 2012), was a YALSA Best Fiction for Young Adults and Amazing Audiobooks for Young Adults Top Ten title, a Lambda Literary Award Finalist, and a 2013 IRA Young Adult Honor Book. A lawyer by training, she loves a good story and a good debate, even better if she can have the last word. She can be found online at www.emkokie.com, tweets as @EMKokie, and blogs at www.thepiratetree.com, a collective of children’s and young adult writers interested in literature for adolescent readers and social justice issues.
“Grooming Habits” by Elisa Nader
Hi. I’m Elisa. I like cheese and reading and binge-watching TV shows. Writing is scary, but not as scary as, say, Civil War amputations. My debut novel, Escape from Eden, was released in 2013 and received a Kirkus star by a (possibly drunk and very kind) reviewer. I’m an Aquarius. Uh . . . let’s see . . . I’m not very good at writing my own biography. Or autobiography. I guess this is reading more like a slightly incoherent personal ad.
“Hypothetical Time Travel” by Mindi Scott
Mindi Scott is the author of Live Through This and Freefall. She lives near Seattle, Washington, with her drummer husband.
“All’s Well” by Cynthia Leitich Smith
Cynthia Leitich Smith is the critically acclaimed, New York Times bestselling author of the Tantalize-Feral universe series YA novels. Her titles have been honored among Oklahoma Book Award finalists, NEA Choices, CCBC Choices, Bank Street Choices, YALSA Popular Paperbacks, Writers’ League of Texas Book Award winners, and more.
She was named the first Spirit of Texas young adult author by the Young Adult Round Table of the Texas Library Association and the first young adult author to be honored with the Illumine Award by the Austin Public Library Friends Foundation.
Cynthia is a popular writing teacher, serving on the faculty of the Vermont College of Fine Arts MFA program in Writing for Children and Young Adults. Find her at www.cynthialeitichsmith.com.
“Burning Effigies” by Kendare Blake
Kendare Blake is the author of six novels, including Anna Dressed in Blood, Antigoddess, and Ungodly. Her writing is generally dark, violent, and full of doomed love and cursing. When she’s not writing, she enjoys travel, eating, and eating while traveling, especially if the food is weird or French and drowning in sauce. She lives in Kent, Washington, with her two cat sons, her baby dog son, and her husband. Contact her at her website: kendareblake.com.
“Holes” by Hannah Moskowitz
Hannah Moskowitz is the author of Break; Invincible Summer; Gone, Gone, Gone; Teeth; A History of Glitter and Blood; and the middle-grade novels Zombie Tag and Marco Impossible. Her novels have received starred reviews, landed a spot on the ALA’s Rainbow Book List, and received a Stonewall Honor. She currently lives in New York City. Visit her at hannahmoskowitz.com.
“History Lessons” by Courtney Summers
Courtney Summers lives and writes in Canada. She is the author of several YA novels, including Cracked Up to Be, This Is Not a Test, and All the Rage. Visit her online at http://courtneysummers.ca.
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Woolston
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This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real places are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and events are products of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or places or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
SIMON PULSE
An imprint of Simon & Schuster Children’s Publishing Division
1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020
www.SimonandSchuster.com
First Simon Pulse hardcover edition September 2015
Compilation copyright © 2015 by Shaun David Hutchinson
“Miss Susie” copyright © 2015 by Steve Brezenoff • “Violent Beginnings” copyright © 2015 by Beth Revis • “Survival Instinct” copyright © 2015 by Tom Leveen • “The Greenest Grass” copyright © 2015 by Delilah S. Dawson • “Feet First” copyright © 2015 by Margie Gelbwasser • “The Perfect Shot” copyright © 2015 by Shaun David Hutchinson • “The Girl Who Said No” copyright © 2015 by Trish Doller • “Pop” copyright © 2015 by Christine Johnson • “Presumed Destroyed” copyright © 2015 by Neal and Brendan Shusterman • “The Second” copyright © 2015 by Blythe Woolston • “Astroturf” copyright © 2015 by E. M. Kokie • “Grooming Habits” copyright © 2015 by Elisa Nader • “Hypothetical Time Travel” copyright © 2015 by Mindi Scott • “All’s Well” copyright © 2015 by Cynthia Leitich Smith • “Burning Effigies” copyright © 2015 by Kendare Blake • “Holes” copyright © 2015 by Hannah Moskowitz • “History Lessons” copyright © 2015 by Courtney Summers
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