“It’s a long story,” I said in a flat tone, despite my racing heart. I knew I had to tell her what happened, but also to keep my emotions at bay to get through my confession.
For the following hour I went on to tell her about how Mom insisted I conceal my pregnancy, the arrangement between Aunt Lydia and Erin’s parents, and how they took me to private hospital for induction.
Marnie sat with tears rolling down her face, silently shaking her head as I told her in hushed tones the events leading up to the adoption, and how my life had been since. I also told her I’d been meeting with Erin and had been pressing our mom to tell them because Erin was excited to meet the rest of her family.
Looking stunned, she pressed her lips together before casting me a sideward glance. “There’s no way you can tell him, Tricia.”
My heart sank at her stern instruction. “All of that, and that’s all you’ve got to say?”
“No, it’s not. I have plenty to say, but you’ll have to give me time to digest this. All my life I’ve seen you as this corporate high-flyer type, too busy making money and having fun to have kids. Getting my head around that sweet sixteen-year-old you were, with a baby, is going to take some adjustment.”
“Huh,” I huffed, disappointed because her reply was more like something my mom would have said than the warm, heartfelt reaction I’d gotten from Billie when I’d told her about Erin.
“Don’t. Don’t you dare do that, like you think I don’t care,” she admonished. “Can you take a step back for a moment and think how you’d feel if this had been true in reverse, and I had told you this today? We buried our mom today, for fuck’s sake. And now I’ve had this emotional powder keg blow up in my face.”
“I’m sorry if the timing of this is inconvenient for you—”
“Tricia, what you’ve told me is horrific. To think our mom did that to you and you’ve carried that around on your shoulders for all this time, it was deplorable of her. How can anyone be that evil? I’m… so glad she’s dead, because if I’d found this out and she’d been alive, I’d have killed her myself. I can’t imagine for a minute what you went through—what you’re still going through—now that Erin’s been in touch.”
I felt light-headed with relief that Marnie hadn’t turned her back on me. “Since James and I have been together, I’ve been in therapy. He was the first person I’d ever told or spoken to about the baby since she was born.”
Marnie came over, hugged me tight, and quietly sobbed into my neck. “I’m so sorry you felt you couldn’t tell me. You must have been so frightened. Didn’t Mom take you to counseling afterward?”
“Nope, I hadn’t even recovered when Mom sent me back to school a week after,” I replied. Marnie leaned back and looked at me, and I saw the pain she carried inside for my plight reflected in her eyes.
“What about Donnie, did he know?”
“Not that I went on to have the baby. You have no idea what I went through.”
She straightened up again, her shoulders tense. “I guess that’s why you and Brad broke up?”
“Yeah, I broke up with him on the phone straight after. I was disgusted with myself. There was no excuse, I cheated—let him down badly—I let myself down.”
“You were a baby at sixteen, Tricia. I’m not excusing what happened, but you had no idea how alcohol could make you feel. You had no idea about sex for that matter, unless you—”
“No, we’d fooled around but never had sex,” I stated, feeling oddly bashful to admit that to my sister.
“It was your first time? Fuck. And our mom did all that to you? It’s a wonder you have the relationship you have with James now.”
“No, it’s because of James I have the relationship we have now. Before him, I could never see myself living with any man. I never thought I deserved to be happy… or have children since I’d been so ignorantly passive about giving my baby up.”
“You didn’t just give her up, you were young and confused, and dare I say, bullied into a decision you may still have made had it been handled more sensitively. Nevertheless, knowing our mom, you were never given the choice.” Marnie’s hands were balled into fists by her sides, her anger radiating off her.
“That’s true. I was told this is what’s going to happen, but when it came down to the actual event, it was nothing like she had described. Aunt Lydia and Mom ran the show, and by then I was so worn down, afraid, and exhausted I’d have done anything to be out of the whole situation.”
“Fuck. Why didn’t you call me? I’d have helped you,” she asked, spinning on her heel and sat down again to face me.
She placed her hand over mine. I glanced down at it, thankful for the show of solidarity in her touch.
“What would you have done, Marnie? You were a young single girl yourself; a soldier overseas, how could you have helped?”
She shrugged helplessly, because she knew I was right, there was little she could have done.
“I feel sick that you went through all of that without the loving support of us, your family. That’s what we’re supposed to be here for.”
She fell quiet for a few minutes and we sat together, united in the tragedy of my situation before she looked up at me again with fresh tears welling in her eyes.
“Tricia, I want Dad to know … but I don’t. You saw him today. He’s broken, an old man riddled with grief after losing his partner of over fifty years. Our mom may have been many things, but she was his wife, the woman he loved for most of his long life,” Marnie admitted, concerned.
“I know. Don’t you think I haven’t been tortured by that? When Erin got in touch, James spoke to her… before I even knew she was truly mine. I’ve been in therapy for well over a year now, and right after our cookout here I confronted Mom about what she had done,” I replied, frustrated.
“Don’t tell me, she told you she did you a favor?” Marnie ground out. I nodded. “Fuck, the self-righteous bitch. She always thought she knew best, always figuring out how best not to upset her own life. I know what this was about—her and her precious reputation.”
“Ah, well, looks like you had the measure of her as well. Since Erin’s been in touch, I’d been calling Mom weekly asking her to tell Dad. From my perspective, I don’t want Dad to pass without knowing he was a grandfather. He’d want to know that,” I confessed.
“But the timing…” she pressed again.
“I know, I wouldn’t dare do it now,” I said, flatly.
“Maybe we should let the dust settle on this and let him have time to grieve, then we can talk about him knowing again,” my sister suggested, pleading with her eyes for me to understand.
“Of course, Marnie, I’m not that callous. Dad is the last person I want to hurt and if Erin hadn’t gotten in touch, I may have never wanted him to know. But she’s here, back in my life, and I won’t deny her a second time.”
“Franco’s going to have to be told too,” Marnie, mused. “Would you mind if I did that? You know … because of his history? I’d rather he heard this from me than anyone else, since he’s looking for his own birth parents right now.”
“Sure, I had envisioned Mom and I sitting all of you down and me discussing it in a calm and rational way, but inside I don’t feel calm when I think back on what happened, and I don’t feel rational about how I behaved or what happened after.”
“The first thing I want you to think about is this. It happened. It was a fucking appalling consequence of a stupid mistake. Mom bullied you into taking a decision, without counsel of any kind, and no therapy to deal with your loss afterward. I guess a lot of moms in the same position would have come up with an adoption as a solution, and there’s nothing wrong in that if the mom takes that decision. Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me, whatever happens next you can count on my support.”
Both my sister and I stood and hugged one another again, her protective grip felt tight. “I love you, Tricia. I just need a little time to get my head around all of this … that and being a
n aunt.”
Leaning back to look at me, she cracked me a warm affectionate smile, and for the first time since I’d told Billie on the boat about my daughter, I felt that everything was going to be all right.
Chapter Eight
James slid into my bed and snuggled up close behind me even though my childhood bed was far too small for him. I hated that she’d kept that bed and shipped it to their house in New Jersey. However, the warmth I felt when James settled me next to his chest, felt exactly what I had needed. Pressing a small kiss on my shoulder, he dragged his lips along my skin and placed his mouth next to my ear.
“Penny for them? I know you’re not asleep.” I turned around in his arms to face him, our legs sliding over one another until we were tangled in a comfortable position.
“I told Marnie about Erin.” James stiffened.
“You did? Tricia, she buried her mom today. You buried your mom,” he replied, sounding disappointed.
“I know, but it just … came up.”
“Came up?”
“Yeah, in natural conversation. She said something like what are we going to do for drama now Mom has gone and then there was a comment about being pregnant or something… I don’t remember exactly, but the moment was absolutely wrong and right at the same time.” I shrugged, as he stared at me, and the moonlight made his large expressive eyes shine. They looked full of compassion.
“And?”
“She wishes Mom wasn’t dead …”
“Naturally,” James replied sympathetically.
“No, because she said had she been alive she’d have killed her, herself.” It felt inappropriate since we’d buried her that day, but we both chuckled anyway. James smoothed my hair and brushed my lips with his.
“About your dad, baby—”
“I know. I’m not telling him right now. I wouldn’t do that to him.” I sighed. “This time it isn’t about me. If I went ahead and told him to get my secret off my chest, I’d be no better than my mother. This is his time to grieve, something I never got when my baby was taken away. I never want anyone’s grief to be ignored or minimalized the way mine was.”
“You’re a wonderful woman, you know this? It’s been a harrowing day for all of you.” He fell quiet for a moment and I heard him inhale me in. “I agree, you need to give your dad his time and you can decide when you think the timing is right. When it is, if you still feel the same about telling him, I’ll be here for you.” Turning my back to his front again, he nestled in behind me, slid one hand under my neck, and the other over my breast. “This is my favorite nonsexual position of all time,” he muttered, planting a small kiss on my shoulder again before settling still.
“Mine too, maybe we need to get one of these little full-size beds for the penthouse,” I replied. Our large custom bed in the penthouse had felt massive in comparison. James chuckled because spooning was about all we could manage since the bed frame had stopped him from straightening his legs.
“I meant our bodies’ positions, not the cramped bed,” he corrected. Taking a deep breath close to my back, I felt him breathe me in again and it wasn’t long before his breathing evened out and grew deeper, and I knew he’d fallen asleep.
If it hadn’t been for James, I’d have been a mess and I doubted I’d have had the courage to talk to Marnie in the way I had. I felt so much better once I had told her, and I knew she didn’t blame me for keeping Erin a secret. Although we’d never discussed Mom’s behavior, I was surprised when Marnie’s opinion about Mom had been similar to mine.
My parents had lived in New Jersey for more than twenty-five years since moving from Ohio, yet the night of my mother’s funeral was the first time I’d slept in their house. It said a lot about my relationship with my mom. However, I had still felt obliged to stay there to comfort Dad after she’d died.
James had no idea that lying in that same bed I’d had brought back horrible memories for me. Long after he’d gone to sleep I had felt a crushing pain in my chest that stopped my lungs expanding as I recalled how desperate I’d felt curled up in the dark at sixteen years old and pregnant. I glanced down at the brass ball on the frame at the bottom of the bed and it reminded me I used to hang my school athletic team hoodie on the end. It was weird the way my mind worked at times.
Exhausted as I was, that thought triggered another, which inevitably led me to the day that changed my life and left a void in my heart I had assumed would never be filled.
Chapter Nine
Tricia aged sixteen
“That’s it. We’re staging an intervention. You’ve been holed up in here for almost seven weeks now and the summer has passed you by.” Alice, my best friend since kindergarten, clambered through my upstairs window, her usual way of bypassing my mom’s interrogation of why she was calling and what she wanted me for. Jenna and Sandra, our two other friends, had quickly followed.
My girlfriends often snuck into my house without my mom knowing and ribbed me constantly about how she had always appeared to be up in my business.
I shrugged, feeling listless and bored. “Summer isn’t the same without Bradley here.”
“You’re sixteen,” Alice stated, Iike I’d had no clue about my age. Wandering around my room, she picked dirty clothing off my floor and stuffed it into my laundry basket.
“Your point being?” I asked, shifting on my bed from my back to my side, rising up on my elbow, and resting my head in my hand.
“How many times will you be sweet sixteen?” Jenna asked, her big brown eyes full of concern.
“Only the once, I hope, it’s a boring age. Too young to go visit my boyfriend in Illinois and too old to go outside and play on my roller skates in the street,” I muttered.
“Nonsense. Do you honestly believe Bradley is staying home every night in Illinois? We’ve seen those home movie clips of his grandpa’s farm. All those sexy stud cowboys and cowgirls gathering for cookouts,” Sandra chipped in, clasping both hands and resting them dreamily under her chin.
“What? So Bradley’s screwing a cowgirl now?” For weeks the girls had been badgering me about locking myself away while my boyfriend, Bradley, had gone to help his aging grandpa with some bookwork at his farm.
The truth was, I hadn’t been home a lot of the time. In fact, had they shown up twenty minutes before, I wouldn’t have been at home. This was the third time they’d arrived unannounced, and from the conversation I knew I’d been lucky to have been home on all of their unplanned visits so far.
“Could be,” Alice replied. “Wake up, Tricia, think about it. He calls you for an hour every night at the same time. Every. Single. Night. Is he calling because he misses you, or is it so that you don’t call him at any other time? I mean what’s he doing for the other twenty-three hours of the day? Not counting his grandpa’s earnings, that’s for sure.”
“Stop trying to undermine my trust in him, and anyway, it’s not a crime to miss him, is it?” I asked, shifting to sit facing them and crossing my legs, my hands holding my ankles.
“We’re not saying that, but slouching around on your bed must feel depressing.” By then I had only been slouching around half hour each side of meal times to fool my mom into thinking I had been in my room all along. The rest of the time had been spent in Donnie Clark’s barn tutoring him in math. No, that’s a lie. I’d been teaching him math for most of the time… the rest of it we’d hung out talking.
“And that playlist you were listening to the other day when we came up here?” Sandra rolled her eyes. “Talk about music to slash your wrists by.”
“All I can say is, I can’t wait to see when some poor guy is stupid enough to fall in love with any of you.”
“Right, and how likely is that to happen if we’re having to come here for hours every few days to coax you out of this stinking pit of a room? Really, Tricia, your slobby behavior doesn’t bode well if you end up playing house with Bradley at some point,” Alice added, flicking open a plastic bag she found tucked under my desk and had begun du
mping empty chip bags and candy bar wrappers inside.
“Will you stop doing that?” I barked. My patience had been worn thin by Alice’s attempts to drag me out of the house, but at the same time l felt guilty I hadn’t spent more time with them.
“Are you showering?” Jenna asked tentatively.
“Are you serious?” I replied, staring wide-eyed at her in disbelief and scooted off my bed. Striding toward Alice, I attempted to pull the half-filled bag of trash out of her hand, but not before she’d tightened her grip and tried to tug it back. My eyes narrowed in a silent standoff with her, both of us holding it firmly.
“You used to be fun, Tricia,” Alice snipped. A pang of frustration shot through me, but I had been keeping a confidence and doing something good by helping Donnie. I was his only hope for college because his parents weren’t interested in education, they wouldn’t have paid for tuition, even if they could have afforded it, and unlike me whose father had put a regular amount away every month since the day I’d been born, he had no college fund.
“I’m still fun. Am I not allowed to miss my boyfriend?”
“Not if it’s at the expense of ignoring your friends,” Sandra replied. “How much time have you spent with us this summer?”
“Don’t give me that, we went to the mall the other day,” I replied, sounding indignant and trying again to snatch the bag from Alice. She pulled it close to her chest and my knuckles were grazing her boob. She glanced down at my hand and backed up. She glared at me and raised a brow.
“That wasn’t the other day, Tricia, that was three weeks ago.” Jenna said. Heat flushed my face when I realized how long it had been since I’d spent time with them. I hadn’t been conscious I’d spent so much of my time with Donnie at their expense. Was that really three weeks ago?
“Wow, time hasn’t felt like it’s gone that fast,” I replied sarcastically, because waiting for Bradley to come home had felt extremely draggy unless I’d spent time with Donnie. “I’ve seen you all since then.”
Resist Me (Unchained Attraction Book 4) Page 6
