“That’s straight vodka.” Drew sputtered and wheezed.
“That’s what I drink.” Ash grinned for the first time. “I thought you could use it to help you relax.”
A weary smile broke over Drew’s face. “The only thing I need is you.”
And you have me. Forever if you want.
Although it was morning, the room remained dark; he’d yet to draw open the curtains to let in the early pale daylight.
“I’m here for you.”
Drew’s face fell. “How will Jordan ever forgive me?” He wandered away from the entrance hall to enter the large living room and sat down on the sofa before the fireplace. Ash followed but remained at a distance feeling helpless. Desperate, he searched for something comforting to say to Drew who remained locked in his own private hell.
“He’ll hate me and never want to see me again and I don’t blame him.”
“I’m sure he won’t. It wasn’t your fault.”
Drew met his eyes unflinchingly, tears running down his face. “Of course it was. If I hadn’t run off, Keith would have stayed back at my apartment and he’d still be alive. Of all the stupid, impulsive things I’ve ever done this is the worst.”
There was no way in hell he’d allow Drew to tear himself apart over Keith’s death. And while his running off to confront those two kids was foolish, Ash would never say it to Drew’s face, especially in tonight’s highly charged atmosphere of grief.
“Keith was a veteran cop. Every day was a risk for him. He understood that and eventually Jordan will.”
“But I led him into it. It’s just like what happened with my parents. If it wasn’t for me—”
“Knock it off, Drew.” Ash cut him off. “Stop making this about you.”
Drew’s eyes widened. “I never said it was.”
Guilt was a horrible monster and could destroy you from within if you let it, Ash refused to allow it to consume Drew until he wound up broken and alone.
“You’re equating one horrible occurrence in your life with another. Both were enormous tragedies that should never have happened. But you were only a peripheral part of it. No one knows better than I do the pain of guilt, but what I’m learning now in therapy is that you have a choice: to either control the guilt or allow it to consume you.”
“Like you did.”
Sitting next to Drew, Ash took the drink from him and placed it on the coffee table. “I shouldn’t give you alcohol either. It’s another crutch.”
“When did you become so wise?” Drew leaned his head back on the sofa pillows to stare up at the ceiling.
For years Ash would come to this apartment with Mr. Frank to work and learn from him. But at the end of the evening, he’d leave to go drown his pain in a blur of meaningless sex and vodka, while Jacob Frank sat by himself in his opulent surroundings. Ash wasn’t sure who was lonelier. Perhaps now he understood why Mr. Frank chose him. They both fought demons that might have killed a lesser man, each choosing to do so in vastly different ways.
I wish you love and peace in your heart.
He’d finally found both.
“Since I fell in love with you.”
Drew sat up, his face pale, eyes wide and bloodshot from all the crying.
“You love me?”
“How can you doubt it? You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. The only good thing.” Ash pulled him close, reinforcing what he’d already suspected; only when he had Drew in his arms could he take a deep breath. This man had become as necessary to him as air and water. Life.
Drew buried his face in Ash’s neck. “I thought tonight would be the perfect time to tell you I love you. I had it all planned. Keith told me not to wait. He said to tell you as soon as possible. It’s as if he had this premonition. He talked about leaving Jordan and never knowing if he’d come home or not.”
Drew’s tears soaked through Ash’s shirt and he held him tighter. Nothing he could do or say could take away Drew’s pain and it tore Ash up inside, but Drew had to know what was in his heart.
“I don’t know why you love me but I’m so damn grateful. You gave me a sense of worth. A will to live. A life. And something to live for.”
“It was always there inside you, Ash. Waiting for you to recognize it and embrace it. And as for loving you? You gave me your passion, your secrets and your heart. You gave me everything and took my breath away. How could I not fall in love with you forever?”
Holding one another tightly they sat in the living room and Ash counted his blessings. He played over in his mind what Mr. Frank had said to him before he died, how he needed to let go of his pain and learn to love. He hadn’t understood it then, but he did now. It didn’t make Ash a bad person to love Drew, even though he’d yet to see Luke and he didn’t know where Brandon was. By taking on the abuse they might have suffered, he’d gained strength, a knowledge that no one would ever use him again. Loving Drew and being loved in return was a precious gift, as they’d seen tonight. A gift that in a moment in time could be snatched away, leaving behind devastation and unimaginable heartbreak.
He kissed Drew, hard and hungry, pouring into him the love he’d kept locked inside all his life. Drew twisted in his arms and Ash captured his warm mouth, slipping his tongue inside, twisting, tangling, and thrusting with Drew’s until they broke apart, panting and shaking.
Drew pushed him down on the sofa and straddled him. “I love you so much it hurts. It’s like I woke up and the whole world changed around me while I slept. For the first time in years, I’m alive. You did that for me.” He stretched out over Ash and laced their fingers together.
While they lay there, chest to chest, belly to belly, Ash murmured in Drew’s ear, “Even if I’d died tonight, it was all worth it to have had you for this short time.”
“Shh.” Drew still lay on top of him, his weight negligible, their hands entwined, like a lovers’ knot, binding them forever. “Don’t say that.”
But he spoke the truth. He’d seen the ugliness of the world and lived through it but it changed him irrevocably, stealing his right to live carefree and with hope. Now Drew gave him a chance to start over again, with his work in the clinic, watching over Esther and loving Drew. And always in the back of his mind, paramount to everything, finding Luke and Brandon.
“You should lay down. You had a blow to the head and need rest yourself. Let’s go.”
He took Drew by the hand and they walked toward Ash’s bedroom.
“I’ll call my office and tell my associate to handle everything until I get back. It’s going to be a long haul and Jordan will need you.”
At the mention of Jordan, Drew’s face fell, and the shadows chased away the light in his eyes. He stopped at the bedroom doorway. “I’m afraid he won’t want to talk to me.”
Ash led Drew into the bedroom and quickly stripped him of his shirt and pants. He flung back the comforter and pointed. “Lie down. There’s no use in speculating so you might as well rest for the moment.”
“Join me? For a little while. I know you have things to do, but I don’t want to be alone right now.”
And because he could never refuse Drew anything, Ash lay down next to him and took Drew into his arms, listening to him unburden his heart.
“I keep seeing Jordan, standing by himself. I’ve never seen him so lost.” Drew laid his head on his shoulder.
It would be impossible not to feel sorry for Jordan but Ash hoped after the initial shock and sorrow, he wouldn’t turn on Drew.
“It’s going to be very difficult for him. Not only was he and Keith such a strong couple, Jordan’s not one to let his emotions show. I’ve seen men like him before. They tend to hide how they really feel.”
“He’s always been open with us.”
Ash tightened his hold on Drew, wishing he could shield him from the inevitable fallout his impulsive actions had caused. In truth, he wasn’t sure Jordan and Drew would come out of this with their friendship intact.
“Try not to thi
nk about it. We’ll all be there for him and right now that’s what he needs.”
When Drew failed to answer, Ash glanced down to see he’d fallen asleep. Satisfied, he carefully extricated himself and folded back the comforter to cover Drew. With any luck he’d sleep for several hours. Ash went into the bathroom, showered and shaved, then moving about his bedroom on silent, bare feet, got dressed in a button-down shirt and pants. Weariness flooded through him, despite the invigorating shower.
With one last look at Drew sleeping soundly, Ash left the bedroom and closed the door quietly behind him. First, before he even called his office, he called Esther’s house to speak with Mrs. Delaney.
To his surprise, he heard Esther’s voice on the other end of the telephone.
“Esther. Why aren’t you asleep? You barely had any rest last night. I’d have thought Mrs. Delaney would insist you stay in bed.”
“Asher, are you scolding me? I may be old but no one can make me do anything I don’t want to do.”
That was the plain truth. “Drew is sleeping and I wanted to check on you to see how you feel.”
“I feel like I’ve lost one of my children. Poor darling Keith. And my poor Jordan. He loved that man with everything he had. I’ve known him all his life and I’ve never seen him so settled and happy as when he was with Keith.”
At the sound of her sniffling, Ash thought his heart would break. Maybe love wasn’t such a good thing after all; he’d never been in as much pain as when he thought Drew had been shot and now to hear Esther cry…then he thought about the man sleeping in his bed and how Drew brought him back to life and now understood all those cheesy love songs he heard on the radio that promised love can make everything better.
“Eventually he’ll learn to live with his pain. Unfortunately most of us don’t get to lead the charmed life he’s had up until now. No matter how he treated me, I do feel terrible.”
“I know you two have had your differences, but please. Put them aside and help him through this, Asher. If not for Jordan’s sake, then for Drew’s and mine.”
“Esther that’s not fair. You know I can’t say no to you.”
“I know.”
Ash bit back his first smile of the night at the smug tone in her voice.
“You’re a good man. And with all the pain in your life, I know you’ll be able to help Jordan thorough his ordeal.”
“I’ll do what I can, but my main concern is Drew. I won’t let Jordan bully him or make him feel guilty.”
“My grandson is very lucky to have someone like you in his life.”
That statement begged the question Ash had been putting off asking Esther for some time now.
“Esther can I ask you something?”
“You can ask me anything.”
First checking over his shoulder to make sure Drew remained in the bedroom, Ash walked into the living room and stood by the picture window overlooking Park Avenue. As always he marveled at how far he’d come and how much he still missed Jacob Frank. More than anything he wished his benefactor could have seen the man he’d become and met Drew. The man who’d made it all possible.
“Are you really happy with the turn Drew’s life has taken? I know you say that love is love and I don’t doubt you care for me. But Drew and I are going to move in together, hopefully soon, which means you’ll be seeing us together all the time—”
Esther cut him off.
“I see I still need to reassure you. You know, I grew up in a very small village. When I came to this country, I’d never met anyone who wasn’t the same as me. Living here and meeting people from all different walks of life has made me a better person. I’ve seen the worst that man can do to another man, Asher, and lost my entire family, my history because of it. Do you think for one minute I’d ever dare to deny the people I love, or anyone for that matter, the right to their own happiness?”
“I wish more people thought like you.”
“In time they will. Remember what I told you. Never stop hoping.” Her voice softened. “You and I, Asher, we’re very much alike. We’ve seen the worst of mankind but are lucky to have come out of the fire to the other side of the mountain.”
It was true. His life had been a walk through fire before he met Drew. It had burned him, leaving scars and nothing but scorched earth behind. Only by meeting and falling in love with Drew had he learned every day was a gift never to be taken for granted. And while he’d never forget his past, learning to live with it was proof a person could come through hell and back, sometimes stronger than before.
“I don’t want to disappoint him. Or you. I couldn’t bear it if I did.”
“The only way you could is to stop loving him. Since his parents’ death, he walked through life but didn’t live it. That’s all changed now. Give him the strength he needs to get through this ordeal with Jordan. It won’t be easy for either of them.”
“Drew feels very guilty.”
“I can only imagine. Those two are in for some tough times ahead. I’m afraid for their friendship.”
“I’ll do what I can to help Drew.”
“You’ll help them both because it’s what’s best for Drew and you love him.”
Sighing because he knew she was right, Ash hung up but not before giving her a warning. “If I find out that you haven’t rested at some point today I’m going to sic Rachel on you.”
“Fine,” she grumbled. “Good-bye.”
“Bye.”
He hung up and spun around to the sound of a throat clearing. A sleepy-eyed Drew leaned against the wall.
“Was that my grandmother?”
Ash walked over to him and led him to the sofa. “Sit down, you look exhausted. Why aren’t you sleeping?”
Drew shrugged. “I dunno. I guess I’m still too wound up. Was that her?”
Lacing their fingers together, Ash nodded. “I wanted to check on her to make sure she was resting but sure enough she wasn’t.”
Having Drew here with him now in these early morning hours made Ash realize how lonely he’d been before. Rarely able to sleep through the night, he’d often wake up well before sunrise and stare out the window, wondering where Luke and Brandon were, and if he’d ever find them.
In loving Drew, he’d found the sleep of peace.
With gentle fingers, Drew traced the scars that wound around his wrists and forearms. Since he’d confessed to Drew, Ash no longer needed to hide his damaged skin.
“I can help you with these, you know. If you want to make them less noticeable.”
Did he? Ash had come to look at his scars as part of who he was; they identified him as a survivor.
“Do they bother you?”
“Only because I know the torment you went through and what made you do it.”
“I have other things to think about now.”
“You do?” Drew smiled and nuzzled into his neck, kissing him. “What? I have a feeling I might like it.”
“I have one more call to make and then I’m all yours, how about that?” To hell with work and the office and everything else except Drew. Esther was right when she spoke of Drew and Jordan’s friendship being at a crossroads.
Drew lay back on the sofa staring up at the ceiling. “I want to call Jordan later. He has no one with him; his parents are stuck in Europe and Keith’s parents never accepted him.”
Ash could only hope Jordan would accept Drew’s call. In the heat of the moment with emotions running high, Jordan needed Drew, giving Drew a sense of false hope that things hadn’t changed between them. Ash knew better. He knew how Jordan’s mind worked. With the passage of time, Ash feared Jordan would come to blame Drew for Keith’s death. And no matter what, Ash would stand with Drew.
“I still can’t believe this happened. I feel guilty that Keith died trying to protect me.” Drew’s eyes glinted with wetness. “I shouldn’t have gone over there myself. Keith would still be alive if I hadn’t run off to confront those fucking bastards.”
“Oh, baby, come he
re.” Ash pulled Drew to his chest. “Keith knew the risks; he took them every day when he went out there. Life is all about the choices we make and the risks we choose to take.” He kissed Drew soundly. “I’ll help you get through this, I promise. But first you need your rest. Now get back into bed and if you’re lucky I’ll join you.”
Drew slipped out of his arms and kissed him. “Yes, sir. Whatever you want.”
Ash followed Drew back into the bedroom. “You, baby. I only want you.”
Chapter Thirty
The following day dawned gray and gloomy as if it understood the devastation within Drew’s heart. It took him until late afternoon to work up the courage to go to Jordan’s home, and Drew cursed himself for being a coward. Neither Ash nor Rachel could offer him any comfort or sage words of advice. This was a road he’d have to travel alone.
With trepidation, he exited the cab and mounted the stairs to Jordan’s Chelsea brownstone, practicing what he planned to say to his life-long best friend. Shit, he’d never been this nervous before and despite Ash’s reassurance it would work out, Drew knew Jordan’s capacity for grudge-holding and wasn’t so sure.
He pressed the doorbell, and heard the chimes resonating within. Bouncing on his toes, he swallowed his nerves and plastered a smile on his face as he heard footsteps approach. The door rattled and opened. It wasn’t Jordan who greeted him but Mike.
“How’s Jordan?”
Mike’s normally cheerful face darkened. “It’s bad. Really bad. He won’t talk and won’t eat. Come on in.”
Drew trailed behind Mike, following him down the long hallway which he knew opened up into the large country kitchen at the back of the house. One might think it was a normal get-together, except when the entered the kitchen and Drew looked over Mike’s shoulder at the farmhouse table across the room, bouquets of flowers and sympathy baskets crowded the surface.
Mike stopped and stepped aside. “Jordan. It’s Drew.”
“Hey, Jordan.” Drew walked over to his friend who sat motionless in his chair. His usual impeccably styled blond hair lay in lank strands across his forehead and from the wrinkles in his shirt and pants, Drew would hazard a guess he’d slept in them. When Jordan met Drew’s eyes, it was all he could do not to gasp out loud. In all the years he’d known Jordan he’d never seen him in such pain. His normally sharp and bright blue eyes stared back vacantly, all life drained out of them.
A Walk Through Fire Page 27
