“She did? What did she do?” asked Zuzu.
“She tore apart my mother.”
“That’s terrible. Why did she do that?”
“I can’t say. It was just a thing. She was like a wolf. She didn’t know what she was doing. But I watched it. Maybe it was a full moon that night. I watched her run off like a wolf, too, with my mother’s arm in her mouth.”
“Is she dead?”
“Who?”
“The woman you ate.”
“No. I didn’t eat her all the way. Just a little bit. To punish her, you know? Death is no punishment.” Mano was starting to enjoy the worried faces Zuzu was making.
“How about your mother then?” Zuzu asked.
“What about her?”
“What’s her name?”
“Sisi.”
“That’s a beautiful name,” said Zuzu. “Is she dead?”
“Yeah.”
“What’s that like?”
“What’s what like?”
“To have a dead mother?”
“Don’t you know any dead people?” asked Mano.
“No.”
This news surprised Mano, but he answered her question regardless. “It’s a lot like having an alive mother. Sometimes its easier to talk though when they’re alive.” Mano pushed the Nun’s Hat along the lip of the bathtub until it was close to Zuzu’s hand. “Here, have another beer. I see you already found the refrigerator.”
“Thanks.” Zuzu tapped the top of the can with her fingernail.
Mano showed her how she could adjust the temperature of the water. Zuzu let the water, which was warm now, lift her heels, and touch the bottoms of her thighs. She took a sip of beer and sucked air through her teeth just like Mano did. The warm water felt good inside of her corduroys.
“My clothes are getting wet,” she said as she swallowed her mouthful of beer.
“Your clothes are so dirty. We can hang them up on the line in the sun.”
“Then what will I wear?”
“You can wear my clothes. I can’t fit into them anymore anyway.” He slapped his body, and it made a clanging sound. They both smiled. “I don’t need them at all. You know what? You can have them.”
Zuzu noticed for the first time that the monster wasn’t wearing any clothes. But he wasn’t really naked either. His body was much more like an animal’s than a person’s.
She took another sip of beer and thought of the question she really wanted to ask him. “You said my nickname.”
“I said your nickname?” Mano was confused. “I don’t even know your name name.”
Zuzu was small enough to turn her body all the way to the side inside the tub so that she faced Mano. He thought about how his mother always faced forward when she was in the bathtub. They had never really faced each other quite like this. “Yeah, you said my nickname after you were done eating the woman who tore apart your mother.”
For a magical moment, Mano thought that maybe the girl in his bathtub was Pepe somehow, returned from the dead to play a joke on him, or to check on him. The girl looked a little like Pepe, and her clothes were the kind of clothes that Pepe always wore, and she had his haircut. Mano leaned over very close to Zuzu’s face and squinted. The world had been blurry for so long.
“Pepe?” he whispered, as if he was trying to speak past the girl to Pepe’s ghost, which may have been trapped inside her body. “Pepe, are you in there?”
“I don’t know Pepe. You called me Bebé, or at least that’s what I thought. It’s a name my mom sometimes calls me. But my name name is Zuzu.” Zuzu said both syllables of her name separately.
Hearing Zuzu’s name pulled something up through Mano’s throat, something that had been pushed down for a very long time. He swallowed something heavy and studied her. Zuzu had eyes like Inez’s. He could see it now so clearly, how they blinked, and how they looked at him.
Zuzu returned Mano’s examination with her own. It was her first good look at him. He was so mammoth to her, even in that mammoth room, sitting on the toilet. She could barely see past him to anything else in the room. His hair was long, growing over his shapeless body like a waterfall over stones. His eyes were kind and familiar.
“I’m sorry, Zuzu. I hope I didn’t frighten you. I was calling for someone named Pepe. I thought you were Pepe. Maybe you heard me wrong.”
“You thought I was a boy?”
“Yeah, I did. Is that ok?”
“Yeah. It’s ok.” Zuzu smiled. She had a sudden urge to stand up and look into his bathroom mirror. She wanted to see if she still looked like a boy, even this morning. But there was no mirror there.
“What’s your name?”
“Mano.”
Zuzu’s eyes opened in surprise, then they squinted for a closer look. Her mother told her to run away if she ever met anyone named Mano. Inez never explained why. Zuzu only knew that Mano hurt her mother in some way. Zuzu remembered Inez once said that Mano was the second of the three barbers she ever loved, but Zuzu got the feeling that her mother only really loved the first two.
Zuzu looked past the bathroom door and out the front door of the cabin, and she could see a clear path from the bathtub to XO City. One option was to dart. But her relentless curiosity far outweighed her disdain-by-proxy for Mano. Whatever had hurt her mother had not yet hurt her. At that moment she wanted to be nowhere else in the world other than in that large cabin with that big monster.
Mano saw Zuzu looking for her escape. “The door is open if you want to make a run for it.”
Zuzu just settled back down into the water slowly, keeping her eyes on Mano and lowering her shoulders. She thought about all the questions she could ask, about her mother, and about what might have happened, or didn’t happen, between the two of them.
“You don’t look like I thought you would.”
“What did you think I’d look like?”
“More like a barber, maybe. My father was a barber, too, you know. So maybe more like pictures of my father.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“Or maybe I thought you’d look more like The Barber now.”
“There is still a barber down there?” Mano asked. He hadn’t really felt any spark of curiosity for what became of Pie Time until now.
“Yeah, he’s my mom’s new husband. He cuts hair for XO Haircuts. It’s all pretty boring.” Zuzu ashed her cigarette in the water like Mano’s mother used to do, and then took another drag. “He gives everyone the same short haircut.”
“A table-top?”
Zuzu laughed. “Yeah, something like that.”
“You have to have short hair if you’re going to be a barber.”
Zuzu nodded. “Yeah, you’re right.” She followed up her nod with a sip of beer.
“I had real short hair, too. Parted to the side. Just like you have it.”
“I can’t even imagine it,” Zuzu laughed. “Look at you now!”
“It’s true. But before I was ever The Barber, when I was real young, everyone thought I was a girl. I had long girl hair, and I liked to wear dresses.”
“Gross.” Zuzu’s laugh sounded like a horse. Her laugh made Mano laugh. “Well, one thing I can say about The Barber is he cuts my hair how I want it. Short, parted to the side. And I wear trousers and boy shirts,” she said. “Most people think I’m a boy.”
“I like that about you.”
“Did anyone know you were a boy, Mano? I mean, when you were a kid?”
“Just Pepe. Well, and my mom, of course. And this one girl named Enid. It’s really not...”
Zuzu interrupted. “Who’s Pepe?”
“He’s just someone I miss.”
“Is he dead, too?”
“Yeah.”
“Did you love him?”
“Yes. I love him.”
Mano wondered if that was the first time he ever said that out loud. He felt the thing in his throat come all the way out. He repeated himself. “Yes, I love Pepe very very much. And I miss him.” Con
fessing his love twice made it feel more real. Mano needed it to be real. “I love my mother, too. I miss her, too.”
Zuzu smiled. She took the pack of Nun’s Hats out of her breast pocket, which was still dry and above the surface of the water.
Mano wanted to say that he loved Enid out loud, too, but he let the thought pass.
Zuzu set them down on the lip of the tub. “Go ahead.” She leaned back into the bathtub, which was full of warm water now, until her empty breast pocket was submerged. Her corduroys and shirt floated her to the surface. They both lit up a cigarette.
Mano turned off the faucet. They both had forgotten what silence sounded like.
“Pepe left me an accordion.”
Zuzu looked impressed. “Will you play it for me?”
“I wish I could. It’s back there somewhere. I haven’t played it for so many years.” Mano pointed his hand over the top of his head at his back. “I can’t reach it. And it’s just a part of my body now.”
“No, it’s not. I bet I can find it.” Zuzu stood up and stepped out of the bathtub. Her clothes were soaked, and she made a puddle of water at their feet in front of the toilet.
“No, please. It’s in there good. Besides, I don’t even know if...”
Zuzu hushed Mano. She leaned him all the way forward, and climbed up on his shins and knees until she was able to straddle the back of his head. From there, she scoured through the hairy mess of his back. She found the corners and tops, bits and pieces, of many things back there.
“Here it is! I found it.”
“It’s ok. Just leave it be. It’s probably broken by now...”
“No, no, it’s beautiful. Look!” She tugged on the top edge of what looked like an accordion on his back. It felt to Mano like the undoing of a crooked vertebrae. He felt his back straighten. The accordion made a sighing sound, and then a sound as if it was clearing its throat. Mano barely recognized it when she set it in his hands. “Ok, now play it,” she said.
“Play it? I don’t know if I...”
“Just play it. Play it for Pepe.”
“I only know dirges.”
“What are dirges?”
“They’re songs for the dead.”
“Perfect!” exclaimed Zuzu.
The sound of Mano’s accordion was the most beautiful thing both of their ears had heard in a long time. The music of funerals had been unknown in XO City for many years. The sound of that deep sadness and despair made their hearts beat twice as fast. It made them want to march. So they did. They marched from the bathroom through the kitchen, and out through the large barn doors in the front of the cabin, straight into the forest. Zuzu was in her wet clothes, and Mano was of course underneath all of these things, his hair, and behind his accordion, which after all of the years on his body, seemed to know exactly what to do in that moment.
Mano and Zuzu marched around the cabin in circles, and then they decided they were a part of a funeral procession. They were marching in a line toward the pretend graveyard. Pretend Funeral was the game that Zuzu wanted to play most.
“In order to have a funeral, someone will have to be dead,” said Zuzu.
“Who should our funeral be for?” asked Mano.
“How about your mother? She was torn apart, right? So, she didn’t get to have a funeral, did she?”
Mano still wasn’t so sure that Pepe wasn’t haunting him lovingly from the inside of Zuzu’s body. He smiled at her, thankfully. “That’s a very good idea,” he said. And so they did. Together they dug a hole with Mano’s shovel. They threw some rocks into the hole, and Mano said all of the nice things he could think of to say about his mother.
“Sisi Let, lover of polka and chain smoking. Lover of warm water and cold beer. She loved the radio and her window, from where she looked at the sky. But most of all, she loved me. She loved me so much. And I loved her so much.” Mano let the feeling in his throat take over and he started to cry. “I love you, ma’am, mother.” Mano wanted to keep adding on to his eulogy. “Oh, and thank you for the birds. Thank you for playing dress up with me. Thank you for all of the stories about when I was a kid, and about when you were a kid, too.”
“Is that all?” Zuzu was starting to cry, too. She wanted to hear a little more.
Mano thought about what else he could add. “Mom, I’m sorry the world got so big for you.” At that, the two of them shoveled the dirt back in, over the stones, and Mano played a dirge on the accordion. It was the exact kind of funeral that he had originally wanted for his mother.
Zuzu shushed Mano before his last dirge had ended. “I think I hear something.”
“What is it?”
“I hear her talking. She’s trying to say something.”
“Who?”
“Your mother! Hold on.” Zuzu pushed her index finger against her lips, and then walked over to a dead tree to break off a stick. Mano was scared. Whoever the voice belonged to, he wasn’t so sure he wanted to hear what it had to say. Zuzu poked the stick deep down into the dirt and wiggled it around. She put her ear up to the hole.
“Shhhh. Sisi’s trying to speak.”
“It’s not smart to listen to what the dead have to say. There’s no way to trust them,” Mano said, panicked. “I think we should just go. This funeral is over.”
“Hold on, Mano! Don’t be so scared. You’re so scared. Why are you so scared?” With her ear down against the hole in the dirt on the grave, Zuzu slowly repeated what she heard the voice say. “I...want...”
“What does she want?” asked Mano, ready to run.
“...another...yes, yes, another what? What is it, Sisi? ... another...beer...” Zuzu rolled over on her back on top of the grave and laughed uncontrollably.
Mano pretended to throw one of the stones right at her, but threw it far behind her. “Very funny,” he said. “Tell her the dead can’t drink any more.”
“Let’s go drink one for her,” said Zuzu.
“Good idea.”
Together, Zuzu and Mano spent the rest of the day chopping wood for the fire and picking mushrooms in the woods. Zuzu was on her second full day of vegetarianism and Mano had been a vegetarian since leaving Pie Time, so he made something like a steak out of these mushrooms. After dinner, they sat on the floor in the living room and drank more beers, and listened to polka on the radio.
“How do you know when you love someone?” asked Zuzu.
Mano thought about Zuzu’s question. “I don’t know. It feels like an endless dull pain. Like a deep ache, even when you’re with them. Like you miss them even when you’re with them. Have you ever felt that?”
“No, I don’t think so. I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone.”
“You’re young.”
“But I think I could.”
“I bet you could, too. Do you think you know who you could love, you know, in the future?”
“Yes, I do,” answered Zuzu. “But she’s a woman. And she’s much older than me.”
“What are you worried about?”
“My mother.”
“Oh no, is she your mother?”
Both of them laughed so hard. “No!” shouted Zuzu.
Once they caught their breath, Mano said, “It doesn’t matter who she is, or how old she is. But make sure that once you do love her, to let her know.”
“Ok.”
Mano and Zuzu each drank two more cold Nun’s Hats, which completely depleted Mano’s supply. When it came time to sleep, Zuzu kissed Mano on the cheek, and promised to bring him more Nun’s Hats when she returned. Then she took her place for the second night in the giant bathtub, while Mano slept in his giant bed in the next room.
The next morning, Mano awoke to the sounds of the water draining in the bathtub, the door quietly shutting, and more fresh daisies in the vase.
43.
Friday morning, Zuzu arrived a few minutes early to work at The Good House for Children and the Very Sick and Old. She braced herself for an unavoidable welcoming home, or an interrogation
. Maybe her mother and The Barber would be waiting for her on the porch, or maybe the entire neighborhood would be hovering over a map of XO City on Vera’s banquet table in the dining room.
But when Zuzu walked through the door, none of that was true. No one was waiting for her in any unusual way. Vera was standing in the kitchen when Zuzu rounded the corner. She was wearing June Good’s silk robe, like she did every morning, and her greying hair was in braids. “Coffee’s on. You want a cup?”
Zuzu nodded. She wondered if she had even been searched for at all, or if she was even missed. Vera poured her a cup.
“I like your new trousers,” said Luis. He hugged Zuzu’s leg and petted her pants. He played with the seam down the side of her leg like it was a string on a harp.
Zuzu moved her fingers through his hair like a comb.
“Yeah, they’re nice,” added Igor, who had traded his cowboy hat for a viking helmet, and who had just started a drawing of Zuzu. “You look good.”
“Thanks, you two. You’re so sweet. These trousers are...” Zuzu stopped herself. She decided against telling the children about Mano, and where her new trousers were from.
“Are what?” asked Luis.
“Are new.” Zuzu smiled at them, asking them to accept her half-answer. “I missed you guys.”
“Where did you go?” asked Igor.
Vera cleared her throat. The children looked back at her, and then they lost interest in an answer to their question. Vera handed Zuzu a mug with a pyramid of dead bodies logo on the side, opened the bottom half of her robe, and sat down at the table next to Igor. Vera pointed to a curvy brown line at the top of his page. She crossed her bare legs, and took a sip from her mug.
“That’s Zuzu’s head,” said Igor.
“Ahh, ok, yes, I see it now,” said Vera. “It’s a beautiful head.”
Igor giggled with embarrassment and peeked through his fingers at Zuzu.
Zuzu sat down next to Lois, who was writing a love letter to Ernesto, her father.
“Do you want to read it?” asked Lois.
Mammother Page 23
