Not Quite Free

by Kaye Draper

  I huffed a laugh, but nerves were crawling through my belly. Surely there was something else I needed to be doing right now? A job? Some dangerous fiends in need of killing? Maybe training? A run sounded good.

  “Sam.” Angel’s voice wasn’t teasing or sly anymore. He reached toward me with his good hand. “I’m sorry you had to tie yourself to me this way. I know you don’t want it. But could you just...maybe hold my hand for a while?”

  I stared at him. Had he lost his ever-loving mind? Gripping his hand, I squeezed so hard it probably hurt. “You fucking idiot,” I hissed. “Don’t want it? Are you a goddamned moron?”

  He let his head drop back against his pillow and closed his eyes. “I ask myself that same question quite frequently, Sam.” He twisted his hand in mine, moving it around so he could curl his fingers around my own and squeeze back. “You’ve denied what’s between us for years. Why would now be any different?”

  I sighed, all the fight going out of me. “I denied it because I was scared, Angel. Not because I didn’t want it. You. Whatever.”

  He swallowed, his Adam’s apple working in the long, graceful column of his throat. “I thought so, once. But...then I thought maybe I was wrong all along, and you really couldn’t tolerate me as a mate. Maybe you truly hated what I was. What I’ve done to survive.”

  I looked to Emerson, feeling absolutely lost and helpless with everything. How did I make Angel understand?

  Em gave me a soft, sad smile. “Just tell him,” he said quietly. “He loves you, Sam. He’ll understand.”

  I wanted to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all—and at the fact that I needed an emotional coach to help me tell my fucking bonded mate that I had loved him for as long as I could remember.

  I glanced at Angel to find him watching me with an almost shy look on his perfect face. I don’t think I’d ever seen him look anything but certain about everything. “You know some of it, Angel. You saw, I know you did. When I was growing up, I had to fight to survive the pack. Usually, it was just meanness—bullying, trying to cull the weak cur from their midst. But...at the river. When you killed those guys who were trying to drown me. You said the water showed you what they were.”

  He clenched his teeth and nodded, short and sharp. “They were monsters,” he finally whispered. “Monsters wearing human skin.” He flicked a glance at Emerson, then at me, as if asking permission.

  I nodded. “They were probably thinking about...how they could use my body.” I sighed. “It’s not an unusual thing, is it? For the worst bullies to be acting that way because they secretly have some sort of suppressed issue. For them, it was the fact that not all of them just wanted to get rid of me. Some of them wanted to fuck me. To own me. Even the alpha admitted....” I swallowed past the lump in my throat and the remembered fear. Then I recalled the feeling of my claws sliding across that asshole’s throat, spilling his blood. “I knew if anyone in the pack ever actually had the inclination of forming a mate bond with me, it would be the end of my free will.”

  I looked at Emerson, needing his warmth and understanding. His calmness. “Dominant shifters in the forest clan don’t take care of their mates the way the weird phoenix seems to be doing. They...subjugate. They degrade. A less dominant mate becomes a possession, meant to serve their master and make sure their mate is happy. I couldn’t...I knew I’d never survive that.”

  Angel lifted our clasped hands and pressed his lips to the back of my wrist. “I know,” he whispered. “I do. I tried so hard not to push you. I...sometimes I couldn’t help it. My magic...my needs are hard to resist, even with the human blood in my veins.” His gold eyes were pleading. “I know my magic feels like a threat to you, Sam. And I’m sorry. But you have to know I would never hurt you. I would never try to make you into something you’re not. You could never be subservient to anyone. And I wouldn’t want you to be.”

  I let out a slow breath.

  “I fucked up when I used my magic on you over that unicorn contract,” he said, his voice bitter and full of self-loathing. “I thought I was saving you from the whole mess. I knew you’d get away and you’d be fine, but they’d have no reason to carry out their threats against Athena. I didn’t...I was so messed up and desperate and I thought you already hated me. I thought...you were attracted to me, but only physically. I never dreamed you actually cared the way I did. I...when I realized...when I saw it in your eyes and felt it in your touch, it almost broke me. But they were threatening to kill her, Sam. And worse.”

  I took in a deep breath and let it out again, letting all my old anger wash away. “I know,” I said simply. “You messed up. You should have just told me what was going on. I could have helped. But I forgave you for that a long time ago. It just made convenient ammo when you pissed me off by getting too close.” Just like his history at the Mushroom. I was always finding the things that would hurt most and using them as a weapon just to keep him away.

  He squeezed my hand again, stroking his thumb over the back in soothing circles. “We’ve both been shitheads,” he said on an exhale. “I don’t know what else to say, except I’m sorry I’ve handled everything so badly for so long.”

  And...that pretty much summed it up, didn’t it? “Yeah,” I said wryly, “me too.”

  Silence stretched out between us, and it was Emerson who finally broke it. “So, you guys are going to at least get along now? Neither of you is going to try to run away or do something stupid?” He sounded tired of our shit—mostly my shit, if I was being honest—and I felt guilty. But fuck was I glad I had Em in my life, coaxing and prodding me into feelings and honesty.

  “We’ll deal,” I said, squeezing Angel’s hand again. The siren had closed his eyes again, and he looked like he was thinking about going back to sleep. “You need me to stay with you?” I asked awkwardly, knowing that energy he was talking about earlier probably meant drawing energy from my physical presence—maybe more cuddling while he slept. Ugh. So mushy.

  Angel blinked open his golden eyes. “It would help, if you don’t mind.” Then he looked down at his sheet-clad body. Someone had found him a button-front shirt to toss on to cover up his chest, but I was willing to bet he still wasn’t wearing pants. And although someone had apparently sponged off the worst of it while we were sleeping earlier, he still smelled faintly of blood. “I’d prefer to be clean, though,” he said, pushing himself up and managing a haughty lift of his chin.

  I huffed a laugh. “Great. Now it’s Give a Siren a Bath Day. Fuck my life.”

  He managed to wrangle himself around to sit over the edge of the bed with the sheet over his lap, his long legs dangling while Emerson and I made sure he didn’t fall over. I watched him closely, but he didn’t seem like he was dizzy or about to faint or anything.

  “I’m fine,” he said, giving me an irritated look. “I’m not going to keel over. I just feel a little weak and shaky is all.”

  I let out a breath I hadn’t even known I was holding. “Come on then,” I said, crouching to get an arm around his waist, just in case. “Let’s get you to the shower, princess.”

  He stood, and I was happy when he only had to lean on me a little, letting the sheet fall away, the long shirt barely covering his dangly bits. I snorted a laugh. Seeing Angel in a state that was anything other than perfect and alluring was a riot. I wished I could take a picture. He arched a silver brow at me, completely unimpressed with my weak efforts not to laugh at him. “Did you suffer brain damage during the fight?” he snarked.

  I barked a laugh, not even trying to stop it anymore. “Probably.”

  Emerson shook his head at us and went to open the bathroom door and set out the extra towels that Jules had no doubt left in the room in anticipation of just this moment. The butler was almost psychic sometimes.

  “Viceroy?” Apparently, thinking of evil invited its presence.

  I rolled my eyes at the sound of Jules calling for me as we shuffled toward the shower. “Kind of busy here, Jeeves,” I called back.

&
nbsp; He appeared in the bathroom doorway, lifting a blond brow at me shuffling Angel toward the shower. “Just so, sir. However, Theo has requested your presence before the media appears. He needs your input on something, and I’m afraid it really can’t wait.”

  I heaved a massive sigh. Media? Fuck everything, what now?

  Emerson shuffled closer, pressing his lips together, then looking between me and Angel. “I can take over,” he offered shyly. “If you don’t mind?” He glanced to Angel. “I’ll make sure you don’t fall.”

  The siren arched a silver brow at him and a slight smirk twitched at one corner of his mouth, even if the expression looked a little tired. “What if I want to...fall?”

  I rolled my eyes at the moron and Emerson wisely ignored him. Instead, the big softie looked to me for permission. “I’ll take good care of him, Sam. I promise. Whatever Theo wants must be important, if he’s asking for you right now.” He shuffled his feet, looking painfully embarrassed. “But I know Angel’s your mate and all. I’ll understand if you don’t want anyone else helping him.”

  What the hell? Did he really think I was going to go all shifter possessive if he helped Angel strip and get in the shower? Then a new realization dawned on me. Oh, for fuck’s sake. Emerson was crushing on Angel. I opened my mouth, but Jules cut me off.

  “I believe the media people were on their way, Viceroy.”

  I rolled my eyes and pushed Angel into Emerson’s arms. “Here. Take this. Don’t drop it.”

  Then I left the two idiots to sort it out for themselves. For once, I was almost thankful to have Jules ordering me around. Because Angel and Emerson together would be deadly to any last shred of self-preservation instinct that I possessed.

  Chapter 10

  I expected Jules to lead me to the conference room, where Theo usually met with public officials and did interviews, but instead, I was led to Theo’s private office. I found the sovereign sitting in front of a small mirror that was perched on his desk, fussing over the blue silk tie that emphasized the color of his big, blue, human eyes. After the events of the last few days, it was strange to see Theo back to playing human. There were no feathers or sharp angles, everything about his appearance was cultivated to instill a sense of warm, capable, trustworthy politician. He looked rich and influential, but without that intimidating air that most business people tried for. Theo wanted people to feel at ease around him, as if he was a harmless friend.

  Such bullshit.

  “What’s going on?” I asked as I strode into the room. “Jules mentioned media people?”

  Theo straightened and gave his tie one last smoothing stroke. As if it wasn’t already perfect. The weirdo. “I’m sorry, Sam,” he said, finally looking at me. “I wanted to talk with you about this first, but things moved faster than I expected. I was in the middle of planning when I felt Angel get injured and—”

  I held up a hand to stop him. “Wait. You felt Angel get hurt? I thought you guys weren’t bonded!” That certainly explained why Jules and the doctor were waiting for us when we got back to the mansion.

  He sighed and stood, scooping up a cream-colored folder off his desk as he came to stand closer to me, his blue eyes direct and unflinching in the way most full fiends I met seemed to possess. “There is no mate bond established between us,” he said evenly. “He has always insisted he’s not good enough for me. A theme I think you’ll understand all too well.”

  I closed my eyes and let out a defeated breath. Yeah. I got that. He pulled that crap with me occasionally, and the Gods knew, I pulled it myself with everyone who ever tried to get close to me.

  “But we have been intimate. He has leaned on my energy. Often. When he was attacked....” He sighed. “It seems my primal side doesn’t care much about the other party’s thoughts on the matter once it has settled on a mate.” He shook his head, dismissing how that probably included me as well. “I felt his pain and distress, and I’m afraid everything else just ceased to matter.”

  He held out the folder and I took it, opening it to find a photo of a middle-aged human couple and another of a small human girl. I was bad with guessing ages of human kids—she could be anywhere between five and eight, maybe. I looked up at Theo in confusion. “Is this the kid Ahura supposedly tried to kidnap and eat?”

  That was what the police report said—that a fiend of unknown origin had grabbed the kid and attempted to run off with her. She set the kid down so she could shift and turned to attack the officers who were following her, then they gunned her down with a heavy barrage of bullets meant specifically for killing fiends.

  It was all bullshit. For one, Ahura wouldn’t just snatch up a fucking kid. And secondly, she’d never reveal what she was without a damned good reason. She was too careful for that, too aware of human hatred and prejudice.

  Theo put a hand on my elbow and steered me out the door and down the hall toward the meeting room. “Yes. Only, they have a slightly different story about what happened. It’s just that the previous sheriff turned them away, then paid them off and threatened them when my people started investigating. They were too scared to tell the truth.”

  I stopped, clutching the folder so hard the thick cardstock crinkled. “And what is the truth?”

  Theo’s blue eyes met mine, sad and tired, and I finally had to admit to myself that this political game he was playing...wasn’t a game to him. He felt every bit of disparity and injustice. And he genuinely wanted things to change.

  “The little girl wanted a balloon from a street vendor. But the parents couldn’t afford something so frivolous—you know the cost of rubber, even for something so small.” I waved at him to get to the point. “Ahura overheard and tossed the vendor some coins. The little girl got her balloon, and the parents thanked the kind stranger and went on their way. A short time later, the girl’s balloon got away from her and she ran into oncoming traffic to fetch it.”

  My heart clenched in my chest. “Ahura saw, didn’t she?” I managed to force the words out, somehow.

  Theo nodded. “She was a block away. No human could have made it fast enough. She had to partially shift. A big, black-shelled, red-eyed monster with a scorpion tail rushed in, snatched the girl out of the path of an oncoming delivery truck, and got her to the sidewalk. The mother screamed—out of fear that her child was about to get hit by the truck, not because of the monster who saved her—and the authorities and passersby came rushing to the scene and assumed the worst.”

  I closed my eyes. “They didn’t even fucking ask what happened. They saw a monster and started shooting.” Of course they did. That’s how things worked.

  Theo put a warm hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze. I could feel his inhuman heat even through my shirt, and I opened my eyes to really get a good look at him. He hadn’t lost control of his power and went all fiend firebird when Angel was dying, probably because the magic inside him hadn’t built up to that level yet. But I thought his eyes were brighter, and if his temp was rising, that might mean his phoenix cycle was nearing its climax. “Are you okay?”

  He just brushed the question aside. “The old sheriff is gone, replaced by someone with sense. The police department has been thoroughly and ruthlessly cleansed and is under tight scrutiny by the chief, who answers directly to me. There still might be some danger to the family involved, but even with all that, but they are willing to publicly talk about what happened now.”

  I nodded. “Okay, but why do you need me here?” I tried not to think about Angel all naked and vulnerable upstairs, in danger of falling and smashing his head open. Emerson was with him. He’d be okay.

  Oh, Gods. I left poor, sweet Emerson alone with Angel.

  Theo started walking again, and I followed. “I wanted you to know what’s happening before the media got here,” he said, oblivious to my minor, unimportant panic attack. When we reached the meeting room doors, he stopped and turned to face me again. “If you aren’t comfortable with this, I will call it all off, Sam. But you have to let me k
now now.”

  I just blinked at him. “Why would I be uncomfortable with you finding the truth behind Ahura’s murder?”

  He let out a long, tired sigh. “Because I’m going to make good use of the situation, Sam. It’s not my primary motivation, by any means. But this is a golden opportunity to get Westhold ready for change. I don’t want you to be angry or resentful, to feel that I’ve used you or your friend to further my political goals.” He gave a dry, humorless laugh. “I don’t want to be the cold, heartless politician you always accuse me of being.”

  I rolled my eyes. “What are you going to do?”

  He nodded toward the folder in my hand. “They’re good, wholesome looking people. The little girl is adorable. I’m going to let them do all the talking and discourage the media from using any kind of anti-fiend slant. I’m going to let the truth speak for itself. I’m also going to announce the construction plans for a monument to be built in the town square this spring—a statue of Ahura, with a plaque honoring every person—fiend, cur, and human alike—who has been a casualty of blind hatred.” He pressed his lips together and his eyes flared with something fierce. “I’m going to make her a symbol of change.”

  I remembered Ahura’s harsh words about stupid, prejudiced humans. Then I recalled the time in the bar, when she’d told me that she really just wished everyone could get along, revealing that there was more to her than bitterness. I’d thought it odd then, how her words reminded me of Theo and his stupid ideals. Something clicked inside my head and my jaw dropped.

  Theo saw me standing there in shock and reached for me again, then pulled back his hand, second-guessing the instinct that was probably telling him I’d just been stabbed in the gut.

  “Fin,” I whispered. “Oh, Gods, Fin.” He had used his luck magic to ensure that Ahura was successful when we went to smuggle food to displaced curs and fiends. He had used his luck magic a few times to make sure the jobs Theo sent me on were successful.