by Sara Hubbard
I nod and heave in a deep breath. On the other side of the room, my brother is learning proper technique for choke holds. Easily, his trainer reverses them and holds Andrei instead. I figure this would embarrass my brother and he’d take it out on his trainer, but he’s receptive. I’m not usually wrong about people, but I guess I am today.
“Not distracted by your brother, huh?” Niko punches me in the shoulder. It’s light and barely registers as a tap.
“No. Not today.”
“Is it a woman, then?” he asks, eyeing me.
I meet his curious eyes and shake my head.
He points at me and grins. “Bullshit. You got yourself a woman.”
“You’re way off.”
“I’m never off.” He waves a hand through the air before walking to the corner of the ring and climbing through the ropes.
Yuri approaches. He’s in jeans and a collared shirt with a leather jacket. He nods to me and then makes a face as he points to my brother. “What the fuck is he doing?”
“My guess? Learning to fight.”
Yuri rolls his eyes. “You know what I mean. You’ve been training here since you were a kid, and he decides to start training now? At this gym?”
“It’s the best,” I say. And it is, if you’re looking to train hard and perhaps in ways that prepare you for competitive fighting as well as street fighting.
“I hope I was the only one watching you today,” Yuri says. “You might have more people challenging you.”
“Fuck you. You just got here,” I say.
“Nope. I’ve been here a half-hour. You might have noticed if you were on your game today.”
I walk over to the corner, pick up a towel, and then I chuck it at him. “Prick.” I grab my water bottle and squeeze a long drink of water into my mouth.
“Penny for your thoughts,” he says, wagging his eyebrows.
Sigh.
He jumps up onto the platform and leans on the ropes. “How’s the little woman?”
I glare at him. Am I doing something so obvious to let people know I’m thinking of Luna? Or does Niko and Yuri just know me too well? Yuri, I can understand since he knows about Luna, but Niko? He knows nothing. He thought it was my brother at first, but then he was very decided it was a woman instead.
“I told you,” I say. “I dealt with her.”
He lowers his voice. “No, you said ‘as far as you know, I’ve dealt with her.’ That’s not reassuring.”
I lower my voice as I saunter closer to him. “You have nothing to worry about.”
He clucks his tongue. “Cousin, I’m not worried about me. I’m worried your judgement is clouded. Sometimes one bad decision spills over to other areas of your life, you know?”
“No, I don’t.”
He sighs. “What’s the deal with her anyway? You know I’ll take your secrets to the grave.”
I push the ropes apart and climb out before hopping down. Yuri walks in step beside me to the locker rooms.
“There’s no deal.”
“All right, then, if you say so.”
I slow down and then stop. Yuri has always been on my side, and he’s proven it time and time again, and yet, I always edit what I say to him or keep some details to myself. I’ve always told him what’s necessary and never much more because I’m a distrusting son of a bitch. Now Luna’s got me thinking about trust and what it takes. I want to tell him she’s more to me than a nurse who cared for me, but I can’t make myself say it out loud. Saying it would mean admitting she matters to me. I’m not ready to do that, especially when I don’t want to admit it to myself.
I push through the door to the locker room. My locker is in the corner, near the emergency exit. I unlock it and grab my stuff for a shower.
“Just so you know, I’m not the only one questioning your relationship to this girl,” Yuri says.
I raise an eyebrow at him.
“Your brother asked me about her.”
“Just now?”
“No, it was yesterday.”
Tension builds in my chest. It’s not a feeling I’m familiar or comfortable with.
“He knows you asked everyone but me to leave that night. He asked if you knew her before. And then he asked how you killed her.”
“What’d you say?”
“I said I didn’t think you did, and then I told him you drowned her and buried her in the woods somewhere. He wanted to know where.”
“Fucking asshole.”
“Of course, I told him you did it alone so if he wanted details, he’d have to ask you. He had that smirk on his lips like he knew otherwise. But how could he? They’d all gone before we did anything. Even if they know I took her, they couldn’t know she’s still alive.”
I shake my head and slam my locker door shut. The sound vibrates through the space. There’s no one around us, just some guys in the shower. The constant pitter patter of the water hitting the tiled floor becomes clearer as the metal locker door stops shaking and clanking.
“Is he just looking to cause trouble?” Yuri asks.
I frown at him. “No, it’s more than that. Apparently, Dad’s updating his will. He’s going to name an heir.”
“And he thinks if he proves you can’t follow orders then Sergei will choose him?”
I shrug. “Makes sense.”
Yuri’s mouth opens and then snaps shut. He mutters a curse under his breath. “I don’t want to say it, but this is just one more reason why the girl—”
“Don’t fucking say it. It’s not an option. Not now.”
Yuri holds up his hands when I give him a look of warning. “Okay. Fine. He doesn’t know anything. He’s fishing. As long as the girl stays hidden, he never finds out the truth, right?”
I nod, unwilling to tell him about the deal I made with Luna because I don’t see it ever happening. She’s never going to trust me, and I’m not sure I have it in me to trust her.
“Then he doesn’t stand a chance. Your brother’s a fucking sociopath who can’t keep his emotions in check. It makes him sloppy.”
Andrei might have a head for business and the killer instinct to make hard decisions, but his emotions cloud his judgement. He’s never fully learned to push them aside. I think that’s why our father was always so much harder on him than me. The beatings I got for disappointing my father paled in comparison to my brother’s.
“Maybe so, but I can’t pretend to know what my father’s intentions are,” I say. “I’m sure he could find reasons to support either one of us.”
“I don’t believe that for a second. It’ll be you. There’s no doubt in my mind.”
“I don’t know. Maybe it should be Andrei.”
Yuri’s eyes open wide. “I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that. Your brother would run us to the ground. You might be able to walk away from this business, but the rest of us? There’s no walking away. And I ain’t working for the likes of Andrei.”
He’s right. I couldn’t let my brother be king. I don’t even know why I said that. Of course, I will be heir. Of course, I will fight for it even if I don’t really want it. Because there are too many people who depend on me. I’m ruthless, but I have limits. My brother? His cruelty could rival my father’s, and while I wouldn’t care normally, there’s a nagging voice inside of me that sounds an awful lot like Luna’s, and she’s telling me not to let him run this city.
My brother is already gone when I leave. That’s probably a good thing. I’m angry that he’s asking about Luna. I don’t want him in my business, especially business that involves her. Also, he’s not the type to let things go.
I spend a few hours wining and dining a client for lunch that continues late into the afternoon. We have several buyers for our guns, but this one is new and is worth a lot of money. I’m not a fan of his humor or the way he treats the servers, but I’m in the business of making money and most of the people I associate with aren’t people I particularly like or respect. When we’ve finished hashing out the de
tails of our agreement, I pay the bill and leave a large tip as a quiet apology for the server’s trouble. We walk to the curb where his limo awaits, and we part ways.
I have the desire to go home, and I know it’s because of her, but I can’t let my emotions dictate what I do and when. So, I make my way to the club instead. I spend hours there, going through the books, talking to the manager, and I spend time on the floor, just to make my presence known.
When I get back home, it’s nearly eleven. All of the lights in the house are off, but Luna’s room faces the back. Because I don’t trust her, I check my cameras before I enter to make sure she’s not at the door waiting to ambush me with a meat cleaver. She’s not. She’s in her room in the chair fast asleep with a book opened and on her chest.
I don’t read much. My father always said reading is for pussies. Real men live lives; they don’t read about them. So, it was never a habit that was encouraged or praised. Not even my mother reads. She says it bores her.
I open the door to Luna’s room slowly. Her head is bent at an awkward angle, and she snores quietly. No, it’s not a snore. It’s more like little puffs of air. I tip my head to the side to look at the book title. A Guide to Medicine. Hmm. Yara must have given it to her. Carefully, I slide the book out from under her arms and set it on the table. She stirs but doesn’t wake. Then the quiet puffs return. I could leave her here, but she doesn’t look comfortable. I want her to be comfortable.
I wrestle with that stupid decision in my head like it’s life or death. Yeah, I guess I am distracted. This girl makes me not be myself. She makes me uncertain and nervous. And while I hate it, I don’t hate the other emotions she stirs in me. How coming home is more appealing to me knowing she’s here.
Fuck it. I bend down and gently tuck one arm under her legs before sliding the other arm between her and the seat to cradle her back. She’s light as a feather. So small and yet so perfect. In my arms, she cuddles in close to me, tucking her face into the crook of my neck. I’ve never been affectionate or been one to cuddle. I’ve had women try with me, but affection from me has always meant sex. With Luna, I tried and found that, with her, it wasn’t uncomfortable, and it didn’t make me feel caged. I actually found that I missed it when she was gone. I tip my head down and touch my lips to her soft hair, enjoying the moment. She’d never let me do this if she were awake.
I walk her over to the bed and gently set her down. Her eyelids flutter. “Am I dreaming again?”
“Yes,” I tell her.
She closes her eyes, but as I lean away, her hand reaches for mine. I’m nearly out of reach, but her fingers manage to just barely grip mine. I still and my breath catches. With closed eyes, I’m reminded of the first time I felt my hand in hers. I was so sure I was dead, and this beautiful creature was like a tether to this Earth, refusing to let me go. When I open my eyes, I frown at her, feeling an uncomfortable ache in my chest.
I bend down beside her until we’re eye level. The bruises on her beautiful face are darker now, and the swelling has eased up except on the bridge of her button nose. She looks more like her now. Like how I’ve thought of her since she ended things. I told her I haven’t thought of her since she left. It was a lie, of course. She’s the measuring stick to which I’ve compared all other women. Maybe Alex and I would have worked had I not met her. Before Luna, sex, familiarity, and shared goals might have been enough to want something more with a woman. But since Luna? I now know it’s possible to feel more. Caring for her was the only reason I let her leave me before I was done with her. I wanted her to be happy, even if it wasn’t with me.
Her eyes flutter again, and then they stay open. She watches me carefully, sleepy-eyed. “Is something wrong?” she whispers with concern in her alarming eyes.
I shake my head.
“Liar.”
“You can see your mother,” I say suddenly.
She blinks and then focusses on me like I’m the only thing keeping her from dreaming. Then she starts to smile. It’s like a light shines inside of her and bleeds through those blue, angelic eyes.
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“When?”
“Soon.” Slowly, I stand. That’s when we both stare at her slender fingers still gripping mine. I think she’ll be disgusted and yank her hand away, but she doesn’t. She holds me still.
“Thank you.”
I nod and slide my fingers free from hers.
She frowns up at me. “Why?”
I clear my throat. That’s a good question. I hadn’t planned on giving her an answer when I walked in, that’s for damn sure, because I hadn’t yet made up my mind. Now that I know my brother is digging into what happened to her, I should be more careful, more determined to never, ever let her leave this house again—not even in six months. But those tears and her pain. When I watch her on camera, when no one is around, she sits quietly and cries. She’s grieving and she says she hates me, and I’m not okay with either. So while it might not be rational or smart to give her what she’s asked for, I want to give her something. This is what I can give.
“Because you asked,” I say, unwilling to tell her that her pain affects me.
She sits up and pushes her curls away from her face. “I also asked you to let me leave…”
I touch my thumb and finger to her chin. “Some things I can give you, others I cannot.”
Her breath hitches, and those full lips of hers part.
When I drop my hand, my fingers twitch from the ache to touch her more.
“Are you okay?” she asks, surprising me.
This stops me. With all her pain, and with all that I’ve done, she thinks of me. This doesn’t surprise me because that’s who I know her to be, kind and empathetic, even toward someone like me.
“I’m always okay,” I tell her.
She slumps forward as she releases a long sigh. “No one is okay all of the time.”
“Maybe I’m the exception.” We both know this isn’t true, but I don’t talk about my feelings or let myself be vulnerable, and I never will. “Good night, Luna,” I say as I take a step back.
“Good night, Max.”
I leave the room and let her fall back asleep. Surprisingly, as I shower, I think about what I would say to her if I were to share what’s in my head. What would I say and how would I say it. How would she respond? Would she use it against me to find a way to get out of here and leave me once again? My head says probably not, but it doesn’t matter. I can’t do it. Not even for her.
Chapter 11
Luna: I glance over at Yara as we fold clothes in the laundry room. I’ve never been super clean and tidy, mostly because I’ve always been too busy to prioritize anything other than dishes and laundry. Now that I have time, I still don’t want to do it, but I do because it passes the time. And I like Yara enough to make her day easier. In the beginning, I wanted to hate her for not helping me, but I’ve come to realize that looking the other way is likely a necessity for loving someone like Maxim. How can I fault her for that? Besides, my loneliness is as much of a prison to me as this house is. I crave conversation and company. I crave helping people and having a purpose. It only makes sense for me to spend time with her.
“You’re different today,” Yara says.
“What do you mean, different?” I ask her.
“I don’t know. You don’t seem miserable today.”
I chuckle at that. “Well, I guess I’m making the most of the situation. Like you suggested.”
“That’s good to hear. Life is very short.”
My smile fades. Yes, it is for some. Like my father. I’m still grieving for him but it’s hard to mope today when I’m excited that Maxim is going to let me see my mother. I thought I might have dreamed our conversation last night. But I remember his hand in mine. When I look at my hand now, it’s like I can still feel his rough hand swallowing mine. I stir on the inside still, my body reminded of how he once consumed me so much I wanted nothing more than to stay in
bed all day and feel him moving inside of me.
“Luna?”
I jump at the sound of my name.
“The book? Was it okay? I can get more.”
“It was great. I’d love more if you can find some. You know, I always wanted to go to med school, but I never did anything about it.”
“Why?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. Fear, maybe? It’s really competitive. I didn’t think I’d get in so why waste all the time and energy?”
“So better to not try?”
I frown at her. “I know that’s silly. But as much as I worried I wouldn’t get in, I also worried I would. I couldn’t afford it.”
“Loans?”
I shake my head. “My parents weren’t good with money, and life was hard growing up. I didn’t want the massive debt. I think I’m allergic to debt,” I say with a chuckle.
“In Russia, I grew up poor. I don’t think I ever had anything new. And sometimes we would eat, and sometimes we wouldn’t. Poor is hard. But I think it makes you appreciate things more.”
“I think so, too.”
“You study, Luna. I’ll bring you more books. One day you go to med school, and you can thank me.”
I smile at her as I fold a T-shirt into a square like she taught me. It seems Maxim isn’t just anal about neatness; he also likes his clothes folded just so.
Yara shakes her head and points to the shirt. “No.” She undoes the shirt and does it again. It’s a perfect square now. “See. Like this.”
I roll my eyes. “What would he do if I just folded it like this?” I take one shirt and fold it in half and half again. It’s lumpy from the sleeves and resembles more of an odd rectangle than a square.
“Oh, Mr. Maxim would do nothing. But I know it would bother him because it’s how he would do it if he did it himself. He’s very good to me, and I don’t want to cause him work. You understand?”
