by Tilly Delane
And then it hits me like a bullet between the eyes.
But I’m a fighter, and so is she, and there is only one way of resolving this. Head on. So I take a leap of faith on my hunch alone.
“That’s what he said, isn’t it?”
There is a delayed reaction but then the smallest of nods.
“How old were you?”
“Eleven, twelve.”
“It wasn’t just once,” I state.
She shakes her head.
“Who was he?”
“My mom’s boyfriend.”
My entire body goes into anger overdrive, but adrenaline has no place in this conversation.
“How often?” I ask as levelly as I can muster.
She shrugs but finally opens her eyes, only to look right through me.
“Three, four times a week over a year and a half. You do the maths.”
“And your mum didn’t notice?” I ask in disbelief.
I know it’s probably the entirely wrong question but, really, what the fuck?
“Oh, she knew alright,” she answers coolly. “I was payment.”
Raven
I hear him gasp, like I knew he would. They all do.
It’s not the first time I’ve told someone about it.
It is, however the first time I’ve told someone who has given me an orgasm. Which changes the dynamics. I’m sure it’s part of the reason I find it hard to keep up the gazing-at-him-but-not-seeing-him routine. Especially since he carries on stroking my eyebrow with his thumb and keeps looking at me in a way nobody has ever looked at me before. Nobody.
There is no pity.
There is no ‘I want to save you’.
There is just the same thing there has been the entire fucking time.
Burning desire and an understanding in those deep brown eyes of the ugliness of life that tears my heart to shreds.
“Payment for what?” he asks.
“Coke, speed, meths.”
He nods knowledgeably. That’s it. No further comment.
“How did it end?”
“She ODed. In front of us. He tried to save her. Couldn’t. They weren’t married or anything, so the state got custody of me.”
“The group home.”
I nod. And smile. He pays attention.
“Best thing that ever happened to me.”
“I’m glad,” he says, and then he stops stroking my eyebrows, cups my neck and tugs me closer.
And for some insane reason, I let him.
I let him bring me up flush against him, still lying on our sides, until our noses almost touch. I can smell myself on him and the thought of where this face and these lips were just minutes ago makes me want to rewind the time and get back to that. Forget all this other shit.
He’s only semi-erect now, but I can feel his length between my thighs, and it doesn’t feel wrong. Not in the slightest. I wriggle against him a little.
“He’s lost interest,” I state, trying to hide the weird hurt that comes with the realization.
Rowan smirks.
“Only temporarily. He just doesn’t get off on images of young girls getting raped.”
He’s so fucking blunt.
I try to wriggle away a little, but his arm comes around my waist and he pulls me into a vise. And there it is again, the tethering thing.
“Uh-uh. You’re staying right here, lady. Because while he might not get off on child porn, he sure as hell gets off on naked, fully grown nurses with a penchant for retro dresses and more smarts than himself.”
His cock swells at his words, juddering against my skin.
“You think I’m smarter than you?”
“Yup,” he nods. “You were dealt a shitty deal, but you turned yourself into something golden. Me? I’m just a dumbass with shit for brains who destroys everything he loves and keeps making the wrong choices.”
“Better not fall in love with me then,” I quip.
He doesn’t respond to that, but the intensity in his eyes goes up about a hundred notches, giving me a rush of pleasure. Then he kisses me. A gentle, close-mouthed brush of lips against lips.
It’d be chaste if it wasn’t for my taste on his mouth.
“So the words ‘I won’t hurt you’ are a no-go,” he states dryly then kisses me again. “What else is tricky?”
I want to freeze again, but his warmth, his acceptance, the way he is holding me, that fucking tethering thing he does, makes it impossible.
“I can’t do missionary.”
“Okay.” He kisses me again. “What else?”
I sigh.
“I don’t know. Don’t ever ask me to wear a gingham nightie or hold a teddy bear while we’re doing it, I guess.”
I see him blanch a little at that but, to his credit, he catches himself. He knows I’m not joking. But Rowan also gets that I have to say it in this brushed off way, otherwise I’ll collapse.
For a long time, Tom was all about the innocence. Some kind of fucked up Little House on the Prairie fantasy. Until I started refusing and it became some kind of fucked up thirty-lashes-for-the-slave-girl fantasy. Not ready to share that one quite yet, though.
I take a deep breath.
“I don’t know, Rowan. So far, as an adult, I’ve always had to be on top. Always. I’ve never done any of this before.”
His eyes go round.
“What? Nobody ever eat you out before?”
I shake my head.
“Nobody ever finger-fucked me the way you did either,” I confess.
“I wish I’d known. I’d put more effort into it,” he says deadpan.
I actually laugh at that.
“Liar. No way could you have made it any better.”
I get a shit-eating grin for that. It lights up his whole face and this time I’m the one who goes in for the kiss. And as soon as I do, all bets are off. There is tongue, oh so much tongue, and gentle caresses down my back and then his big hands palming my ass. Until we’re both panting again, and his erection has grown back to its full glory, pressing hard against my thigh.
He withdraws for a moment and looks deep into my eyes.
“You on the pill?”
My heart stutters.
“What if?”
“Then we’re going to fuck.”
“Yes.”
“To both?”
“To both.”
Rowan
There is a moment when we are both suspended in time and then I ask her the final question.
“Is trust a trigger word?”
“No.”
“Good. You trust me?”
“Yes.”
The fact she doesn’t even hesitate makes the next thing I do so much more of a gamble but, then again, gambling is why I’m here.
I roll her over onto her back and insinuate myself between her thighs, until my hard length rests between her lips. She’s slippery as fuck and I can’t resist sliding up and down just the once while she protests.
“Rowan, I said...”
I don’t let her finish because as quickly as I rolled on top of her, I hook my arm under her leg to lift it up and flip us back onto our sides. Only now, her thigh is firmly positioned in the groove between my waist and my hip.
“Sorry,” I say. “Had to be done. This okay?”
She glares up at me. It’s a trade off. If I want my cock in the right place, her head is quite a bit lower than I would like it to be. Sometimes I really loathe being this tall.
“Yes. But you could have warned me.”
I shake my head.
“Nah. You would have started over-thinking it. “
“You’re fucking sure of yourself for somebody who considers himself a dumb shit.”
I slap her bottom and she writhes against me.
“I said dumbass with shit for brains, not dumb shit.”
“Same difference.”
I cock an eyebrow.
“You need slapping again?”
She grins. Her sass is bac
k and relief washes over me.
“Not sure. Can’t tell if I like it yet. Would need more of a taste.”
I half-heartedly land another one on her and she frowns, the way people do when they taste a new food.
“I can feel it in my clit when you do it, so that’s nice. But I don’t like the sting. I don’t like pain. I don’t like punishment.”
There is an undertone again, and for the briefest of moments, I wonder about the scars that her tattoo covers so well. But we’re not going there right now. I can’t handle another revelation tonight. And neither can she.
“Hmm. Noted. Is not my scene anyway,” I say softly. “I can make you feel things in your clit another way, you know,” I add with a smile, and gently rub up and down against her.
Her breath hitches and it doesn’t take long until a blissful expression dissolves the frown. I can see in the colour of her cheeks that she’s starting to ride high again. I contort myself, so I can kiss her, relishing the way her tongue and mine just play to their own rhythm.
I’ve never had a woman who kissed like this before. Who’d give as good as she got. Who knows what’s good and what’s fucking fantastic. Who goes all in.
She is a conundrum in so many ways.
Or maybe it’s just that we work.
Those are my last thoughts before I let myself fall completely into the feel of this woman, until my need to be in her blots out all else. I reluctantly retract and whisper against her lips.
“Touch me, guide me in.”
Raven
The minute he says those words, my pulse goes into overdrive.
I’ve never wanted anything more in my whole fucking life than to feel him inside me. Although I’m reluctant to stop kissing him, even for the briefest of time. I love kissing him so, so much. I never thought I would ever find the attraction. But, boy, was I wrong. With him, it’s easy, exhilarating, addictive. We just...fit.
He holds my gaze as I blindly reach between us and slip my hand around his cock ─ as far around as it will go. I run the pad of my thumb over the slick head, coated in precum and my own juices from him sliding against me. I press lightly when it glides over the slit, and Rowan’s whole body shudders violently.
He groans and slips his hand under my knee to hitch my leg over his hip and give him better access. Then he puts his hand over mine and together we position his tip at my entrance.
I’m breathing so hard at this point, I feel like my lungs are stuttering.
As if by some unspoken agreement, we both look down between us at the same time and watch as our hands slowly guide his head inside me. My pussy clenches around him, cramping, and we stop, looking back into each other’s eyes.
He slips his other hand around my neck and holds me fast, leaning his forehead against mine. Then he slants his head and starts kissing me again, gently inviting my tongue to play. He gives us a minute, maybe even two, and slowly my vagina relaxes. He withdraws and puts his forehead back against mine.
“You good?” he whispers, and I nod.
Our breaths mingle as we look down again.
He slides in another half an inch and suddenly I can’t wait any longer. I want him. All of him. Now.
I take my hand off, and because it’s the one underneath by default, I also shake off his. His head jolts back a little and he looks at me with surprise, but this time I don’t give him time to over-think it.
I look back down and thrust my hips forward, hard, watching his whole length disappear inside of me. The visual is almost enough to spark an orgasm.
“Fuck, Raven,” he groans as he holds me to him. “You could’ve warned me. God, you feel so fucking good. Just give me a moment. I want this to last.”
So I wait.
He catches his breath, and then he starts moving, ever so slowly, while he keeps on holding me tight.
One rhythm. Deep and slow.
Surrounding me with his arms.
Filling me completely.
With his cock, his tongue that’s somehow found mine again and his scent.
Forever.
Or at least, for most of the night.
He fucks me with more love and devotion than anyone has ever shown me, all the way to the small hours.
And all the while, my climax builds in deliciously slow increments, one spark at a time.
Every second of every minute of every hour, so that by the time he finally, finally lets me have it, I have tears in my eyes from anticipation.
And when he does give it to me, he does it so effortlessly it’s like a miracle. He lets up from our never-ending kiss and whispers into my ear.
“You ready, Raven?”
I choke out a ‘yes’ before he suddenly pumps into me, hard and fast but somehow never losing the rhythm or the contact all the same, until the universe blooms around me.
I don’t shatter, I don’t see stars.
I see flowers blossoming in the darkness of space behind his pupils, as shudder after shudder of my climax runs through me.
He guides me all the way through mine before he allows himself his own release and when he does, he does it with all his heart and soul, with everything he has.
He explodes inside of me, his whole body trembling as he shoots his load but holding my gaze all along. Then he collapses, still holding me to him, a satisfied smile on his lips.
We don’t talk, we just fall asleep. Sticky and spent.
Happy.
Rowan
I didn’t scarper this time.
Yes, she’s broken. Yes, I’m a fuck up. But we made magic and, for as long as she’s here and I’m here, I want to keep making magic.
We have to be careful, of course, and now it’s even harder than before because I want nothing more than to grab her at every opportunity and kiss the fuck out of her in front of all and sundry and let everyone know that she is mine. I’m a possessive show off and I know it, so this whole secrecy thing doesn’t exactly come naturally to me. But I’m also trying to prove, to myself, to her, that I can do something right for once. And doing it right means not losing Raven her job.
So we try to act no differently from before.
