‘But what if she’s been hurt?’
‘We did a check of hospitals and mortuaries in the area and no one of her description has been admitted.’
I realise I’m going to have to let Dad know what’s been going on. I wonder what he’ll make of it all. I think I’m in shock at the fact that my sister doesn’t want to be found – not by us anyway. She’s decided to shun her own flesh and blood. Then again, I guess she already made that decision when she left home at sixteen, but at least she kept in touch, no matter how erratically. It hurts that she’s cut us out of her life so completely. Yet… I can’t help admitting to myself that things are easier without her around. Whenever she does get in touch, there are always conditions attached. Either that, or she wants something.
I notice that the officers are on their feet. ‘So, is that it?’ I shake my head helplessly.
‘Obviously, we’ll let you know if we hear anything else. And if you could keep us posted if you hear anything, that would be great.’
Dina and I aren’t the best of friends, but it doesn’t stop the rocks in my belly from sinking a little further. What if I never see her again? I tell myself there’s nothing I can do about it. I’ll simply have to get on with my life without her in it. At least I have my new family now, and things will certainly be less… complicated without my unpredictable sister. But, try as I might, I can’t hold onto that rationality. I’m suddenly overwhelmed by a rush of emotions. I honestly can’t tell if I’m furious with my sister, worried about her, sad, or something else entirely. I need the officers to leave so I can try to process the depth of my feelings. There’s something in my gut that isn’t chiming right. A twisting, gnawing sensation that has me almost panicked. Like I’m free-falling and I won’t know what’s wrong until I crash to the ground.
Twenty-Six
NOW
I have absolutely no recollection of seeing my sister on my wedding day. Toby’s story feels like fiction, not real life. I keep expecting that any second I’ll wake up.
A thin sheen of sweat has appeared on my husband’s forehead and upper lip. Either he’s lying about Dina, or the stress of remembering is taking its toll. I want to believe Toby is telling me the truth. But I also want it to be a lie, because otherwise that means I killed my sister. I clasp my hands in front of me to stop them shaking. I don’t think any of this has sunk in properly.
Toby takes a breath. ‘Zoe, I’m sorry you don’t remember that night, but maybe it’s a good thing, considering what happened.’
I’m about to dispute this, but I need to hear the rest, so I bite my tongue and force myself to sit back down at the table. Toby follows me. ‘Dina was drunk,’ he continues. ‘Not just tipsy, but almost paralytic. Staggering all over the place. Saying all kinds of crazy stuff like she was in love with me and she couldn’t believe I was going to marry you. That we had a connection.’ He darts a look at me across the table and swallows. ‘You were standing there in shock. I tried to reassure you that what she was saying was all nonsense, but it didn’t feel like you were even listening to me. I felt absolutely powerless. I could see our relationship slipping away. I felt like I was going to lose everything!’
Toby gets to his feet, agitated. He walks across the hotel room, then turns and walks back. I want to prompt him to continue talking, but again I manage to stay quiet. To wait for him to carry on. He finally sits back down and continues his account.
‘Anyway, eventually you snapped out of your shock and started quizzing us both. I can’t remember exactly what you said, only that you were understandably upset. It’s all a bit of a blur. Dina kept insisting that I shouldn’t marry you, that she and I were meant to be together. I told her that she was deluded, and that the best thing she could do was to leave, and for us all to forget this ever happened. It seemed like she was finally going to do as I asked. She started walking towards the door, but at the last minute she turned and pulled a knife out of her pocket and held it to my throat.’
‘No! A knife? What the hell?’ I bring a hand up to my mouth and hold my other hand up to stop him talking while I try to digest this. I feel like I’m seriously going to lose the plot in a second. My eyes fill with tears as I try to get my breathing under control.
‘Zoe, are you okay?’
I can’t even talk. This is all insane. Finally, I manage to nod, and he continues.
‘It’s shocking, I know. She moved so quickly, I really thought she was going to slit my throat, but you saved me. You picked up this heavy glass vase of flowers from the table, came up behind her and smashed it down on her head.’
‘What?! No!’
‘She went down straightaway. There was glass and water everywhere – the floor was soaked. That’s when you slipped, fell backwards and smashed your head on the edge of the desk. You knocked yourself out. But I’m afraid Dina was already dead.’
‘I don’t believe it.’ I ball my hands into fists and shake my head. Toby’s story truly sounds like something from a movie, not something that actually happened in real life. ‘I know Dina was headstrong,’ I admit, ‘but she wasn’t crazy… or deluded. To say she pulled a knife on you… that doesn’t sound like anything she would do.’
‘Zoe, you hadn’t seen her for years. The Dina I met was… she was unpredictable.’
I think back to the last time I spoke to her on the phone; the demands she’d made of me. Deep down I know that what Toby is telling me is indeed entirely plausible, I just don’t want to admit it. Especially in light of Cassie’s revelation about Dina blackmailing her. If she could do that to someone she barely knew, then what else was she capable of? But I don’t want to believe any of this. It’s too much.
‘So why can’t I remember?’
‘You were out cold. I think the trauma and the knock to your head must have affected your memory.’
I scrape my chair back and stand, gripping hold of the table for a moment. ‘You should have called for an ambulance. Maybe they could have saved her!’
‘It was too late, Zoe.’
My brain races and the room swirls while I try to make sense of what my husband is telling me. I don’t think I can take it all in. He’s saying that Dina died ten years ago. Ten years ago!
‘So… she really is dead. My sister is dead.’ I sit back down heavily. ‘I can’t believe it. How am I going to tell Dad?’
‘You can’t tell him.’ Toby gives me a hard stare. ‘You can’t tell anyone.’
I don’t see how I’ll be able to keep this from my father. But I realise something else isn’t adding up. ‘Why is your brother freaking out about this? I mean, if all this really happened, and you’ve both known about it for ten years, then why is he falling apart now?’
‘Because he helped… afterwards.’
‘Helped?’
Toby grimaces. ‘With your sister. We had to get rid of…’ He pauses and winces. ‘… her body. It was our wedding night – I couldn’t exactly get away – so he did most of it.’
I think about what this must have entailed and break out in a queasy sweat. ‘How…? I mean where did you…?’
‘She’s buried in that patch of ground by the woods.’
‘You mean…’
‘Yes, where the new housing development is due to be built. That’s why Nick’s been panicking recently. He’s sure they’ll discover Dina’s body, and they’ll link her remains to the three of us. He’s the one who encouraged Madeline to start up a petition against the development. But now the appeal’s been rejected, they’ll probably break ground soon.’
‘Wait a minute, why didn’t you just call the police in the first place? From what you’ve told me, it was self-defence, so surely they would have understood. I mean, if someone comes at you with a knife, you’re within your rights to defend yourself.’
‘I know, but I was pretty traumatised. We didn’t know if the police would believe what had happened. Maybe in hindsight it would have been better to call them and explain, but we made a judgement call in th
e heat of the moment, and we’ve had to live with that decision. I didn’t want you to go to prison for protecting me from Dina. I couldn’t take the risk.’ Toby’s voice breaks. ‘I love you so much, Zoe. I’d do anything to keep you safe.’
I stare at my husband. At the grief and concern etched across his features. And I realise that he must be telling the truth. That my sister is really dead. I let out a sob and cover my mouth. Dina is dead. She’s been gone for all these years. ‘I don’t believe it,’ I murmur. But this time it’s without conviction. ‘Is she really gone?’
Toby reaches across and takes my hand. ‘I’m sorry, Zo. I’m so, so sorry.’
I choke back another sob as I think of my little sister lying in that patch of lonely waste ground by the woods. No funeral, no headstone, no one to mourn her passing for all these long years. While I’ve been enjoying a comfortable happy life of wedded bliss. How will I ever come to terms with this? How will I ever be able to forgive myself? I don’t even care about her ill-judged pass at my husband-to-be. It seems childish and trivial compared with what happened to her afterwards.
If only I hadn’t lost my memory back then, I could have persuaded Toby to tell the police. Saved years of secrets. Of lies. I squeeze my husband’s hand. ‘Let’s just call the police now. Get it over with. Dina deserves a decent burial. We can give her that at least.’
Toby’s face closes down, and he snatches his hand back. ‘No. Can’t you see? It would be a disaster for everyone who covered it up. We would all go to prison – you, me, Nick. Terrible as it was, it was an accident. It happened so long ago. What good would it do to bring it all out into the open now?’ He starts pacing the room again. ‘Truth doesn’t always play a big part in these types of investigations. Especially not after so many years. The police will be doubly suspicious that we didn’t tell them in the first place. And it would destroy our parents if we were all found guilty. Even if by some miracle we’re cleared, well, mud sticks. Our careers would be ruined. We’d probably have to leave the area. And if you can’t stay quiet for us, think of what would happen to the children.’
My mind puts together all that Toby is saying, and I realise that no matter how wrong it feels, it makes sense. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I would be willing to go to prison to pay for my crime – if I really did this thing – but could I expect everyone else to pay such a high price?
‘What about the development?’ I ask. ‘If they find her, then I’ll go to prison anyway. Surely it would be better to come clean before that happens. I could say my memory came back. I could change the story so that you and Nick aren’t involved. At least that way you’ll be around for the children.’ My heart almost stops at the thought of doing this, but I need to take responsibility.
‘No,’ Toby says. ‘Don’t worry about her body. I’ll sort it out.’
‘What?!’ My mind jumps ahead to what he could possibly mean, and I don’t like what I’m imagining.
‘You don’t need to even think about it, Zo.’
‘How can I not?’ This is all too much to take in right now. Everything is crowding into my brain and filling it up until I can’t make sense of anything anymore. I stare down at the table, my eyes unfocused, my mind in freefall. Until suddenly it comes to an abrupt halt. ‘Why did you keep it from me, Toby? All these years you hid the truth.’
He finally stops pacing and comes to a stop in front of me. ‘I was trying to protect you, Zoe. Your memory was obviously suppressing everything, so I decided there would be no benefit to bringing you so much pain. And the truth is, I was scared. I didn’t know how to tell you such an awful thing.’
I stare up at my husband. ‘I feel… I feel like I’ve ruined your life. Yours and Nick’s.’
‘No, you haven’t.’ He takes my hand and kisses it. ‘I think it would have been worse if you’d remembered. How could we have got married and lived a happy life together both knowing what had happened on our wedding day? It was easier for me to try to forget about it. To bury it. And anyway, you saved my life. If you hadn’t acted Dina might’ve slit my throat.’
‘What about poor Nick?’
Toby sighs and shrugs. ‘He’ll be okay. Once he sobers up. I’ll talk to him tomorrow.’
I lay my head on the table for a moment, needing to process everything, yet still unable to believe my little sister is dead. That I killed her. For all her faults, I would never have wished this fate on her. As I close my eyes, I cast my mind back to the hours leading up to the wedding, but all I seem to recall is that overwhelming fuzzy sensation I had throughout the day, after I ‘fainted’.
And then, like an express train slamming into me, I experience a sharp fragment of memory. A snapshot of Dina screaming at Toby, wild-eyed and violent. I sit up and hold myself very still, trying to keep hold of the memory, yet at the same time, terrified to let my mind go back there.
‘Zoe, what is it?’
I place my palms flat on the table. ‘I think my memory might be coming back.’
‘Really?’ His eyes widen. ‘What do you remember?’
‘Nothing much, just Dina shouting at you, calling you a bastard.’
‘Can you remember anything else, anything at all?’ He crouches in front of me, staring so hard that I’m starting to feel uncomfortable.
‘No, there’s nothing else, that’s it. I’m trying to remember more, but it’s all so hazy.’
He finally looks away, stands and runs a hand over his head. ‘Maybe now would be a good time for you to remember more. Then you’d realise how traumatic it all was. Not that I want you to suffer the trauma. I just want you to understand what it was like. To know that we acted in your best interests.’
‘It’s all such a shock. I still can’t believe it. Maybe the rest of my memories will follow. But I think part of me is too scared to remember.’
‘That’s natural. It’s not exactly something you want to think about.’
‘That flashback, it was so vivid. Like I was there. Maybe I’ll have more. Maybe it’s because I’m back here in this hotel. Or maybe hearing you talk about what happened that day has triggered something in my brain.’
Toby nods thoughtfully. ‘I think we should probably both try to get some sleep. Talk about it some more tomorrow.’
I close my eyes for a moment. ‘My head’s throbbing. Toby, I don’t feel well at all.’
‘I’ll get you some paracetamol.’
I open my eyes and get to my feet, but I don’t know what to do with myself. I put the heel of my hand to my forehead and press against the skin as though rubbing my mind clean of everything I’ve learned. My sister is gone. She’s dead. I killed her.
‘Please,’ I whisper.
‘What?’ Toby asks. ‘What do you want? I’ll get you those painkillers.’
I grab his arm. ‘No. Please tell me it isn’t true.’ I feel the weight of his revelation push against my chest and harden in my gut. ‘Tell me it’s all a lie. That I didn’t… do it.’
Toby stares down at me with pity in his eyes. He’s chewing his bottom lip. His teeth white against the pink flesh. It all looks wrong. Everything feels so weird and wrong.
‘I’m sorry,’ he finally says. ‘I really am.’
There’s a lump in my throat, and a bright, jagged pain has wrapped itself around my heart. I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this. It’s too much. It’s too awful.
‘Why don’t you get into bed?’ Toby says softly. ‘I’ll get you those headache pills.’
‘How can I get into bed?’ I cry. ‘How will I ever be able to sleep after what you told me? This is a nightmare. An absolute living nightmare.’ I stare wildly around the room, hating the sight of it. Suddenly realising that this is where it happened. ‘It was in here! This is where she died, wasn’t it?’
‘Shh, shh, Zoe. Keep your voice down. It’s okay. It was a long time ago. It’s over now. It’s finished. It was an accident.’ He gathers me into his arms as I try to hold back great wracking sobs.
> ‘We need to leave.’ I gulp out the words. ‘I want to go home.’
‘Tomorrow.’ He strokes my hair and kisses my tear-streaked face. ‘Right now, you need to get some sleep. You need to calm down before you make yourself ill. Shh, shh,’ he soothes. ‘It’s okay. It’ll be okay. Come on, let’s get you into bed.’ He carefully peels off my clothes and helps me get into the enormous bed, the hotel sheets crisp and cold. I shiver and lay my head on the pillows, too tired to think any more. I close my swollen, tear-filled eyes and let sleep claim me.
Twenty-Seven
NOW
Dina’s hands are snug around my neck and I claw at them, desperate to pry them free. I kick and flail at her body, but all the energy has drained from me and I can’t seem to move my limbs properly. My vocal chords are being squeezed so tightly that I’m unable to even cry out. Nothing I try is having any effect. I’m too close to her face to make out her features clearly, but her eyes are narrowed, and her mouth is twisted, her breath hot on my face. My vision keeps blurring and I swing between sheer terror and utter disbelief that this is it. That I’m powerless to escape. That I’m about to die. Surely something will happen to break her grip on my flesh. Surely someone will intervene to save me.
I wake with a wordless cry, still in the grip of my nightmare, gasping for breath with my hands at my throat. My body is bathed in sweat and my head thumps like a bass drum. My heart pounds as I remember my dream – I was being murdered by my sister. For a few moments I have no idea where I am. It’s dark. I’m lying in Toby’s arms, the heavy curtains blocking out all but a faint thread of light from a tiny gap where they don’t quite meet. And then it all comes flooding back to me. I’m at the hotel… my sister is dead… I killed her. Each realisation is a crushing blow to my chest. I clench my teeth and screw my eyes shut again.
Toby doesn’t stir as I extricate myself from his embrace. I sit up, trying to get my breathing under control. What’s going to happen now? I really want to get out of this hotel and go home. But the children are back at the house with Celia’s sister Vivian. And anyway, how will I be able to face my beautiful Alice and Jamie knowing that I’m a murderer? That I killed my sister. How will I be able to face anyone? I still can’t believe I did it. Why didn’t I pull Dina away from Toby, rather than smashing a vase over her head? But she had a knife, maybe she would have used it on me. If only I could remember more than just Dina shouting at Toby. I concentrate on trying to recall anything else from that blank spot, but all I get for my trouble are shooting pains across my temple.
The Wife: An unputdownable psychological thriller with a breathtaking twist Page 18
