by Mac Flynn
"It was this one," I pointed out.
Nicole leaned in and frowned at me. "Who's telling this story?"
I held up my hands in front of me. "You are, you are."
That answer satisfied her. "Anyway, I heard a noise out in the hall, so I peeked out my door to see Trudy scratching at your door," she continued. "Then Elizabeth comes up the stairs and sees Trudy, and guess what she does?"
"Opens the door and lets my cat maul your dog?" I guessed.
Nicole put on a pouting face and folded her arms across her chest. "Aw, you guessed it too quickly."
"It was a pretty obvious mystery to solve. I live in an apartment and am kind of careful about closing the front door so Mr. Perkins doesn't escape," I pointed out. "But there is one unsolvable question you can answer for me." She perked up at the chance to be useful. "Why did Elizabeth do it? I know she doesn't like me, but what's with the attitude?"
Nicole laughed. "Oh, that one's easy. She's jealous of you."
My face twisted into disbelief. "Jealous of me?" I glanced down at myself. "Are you sure you might not have your conclusions wrong?"
She shook her head. "Positive. She's always been uptight and the perfect little girl for Mom, and she sees you and I bet she's jealous. You say what you think and do what you want because you don't hide yourself."
"Yeah, I was never very good at hide-and-go-seek," I laughed. "My stomach always gave me away when I tried to hide behind a lamppost."
"She's skinny enough to hide behind a toothpick, and she's got her dreams stuffed down inside of her so far I think they're in another dimension," Nicole explained to me.
I forlornly shook my head. "That's a pretty sad thing to hear."
Nicole hopped off the bed, swirled around and smiled at me. "But now that you're here maybe you can get her to stop being such a jerk."
"I'm a future in-law, not a doctor," I protested.
"But you'll give her somebody to talk to other than Mom and me, so maybe something will happen," Nicole insisted. She skipped out of there before I could continue my arguing.
I glanced down at Mr. Perkins, who sat beside me. "What do you think, Mr. Perkins?"
"Meow," he replied.
"Yeah, my sentiments exactly."
CHAPTER 4
I didn't stay long in that room ruminating over my problems. Steven hadn't come to the pet trouble scene, and I wondered where he'd wandered off. I glanced down at Mr. Perkins. "You going to be okay here by yourself?" He jumped up onto the pillows and rolled into a ball; the poor thing was already breaking under the pressure of the locked room. "All right, and I promise I'll make it up to you with a walk later. I brought your leash and everything." He was so thrilled I swore he gave me a dirty look.
I stuck my head out the hall, and listened for danger. My crazy sensors weren't going off, so I tiptoed downstairs and searched the bottom floor. Helen and Elizabeth were chatting in the living room, but fortunately the doors were shut so I wasn't spotted. I oozed my way through the dining room, kitchen, and out into the backyard. There wasn't a sign of him along the wandering path, but I did see some movement in the glass pool house.
I hurried across the yard and flung open the door. I hoped to find him skinny-dipping, but it was only Walter. Thank god for small pleasures because he wasn't skinny-dipping, only relaxing in a lounge chair near the poolside with a small table beside him. There was the ever-loyal wine glass at his side, and his red nose was buried in an upside-down book. That glass looked pretty tempting after my interviews with his spouse and offspring. At my hurried entrance he glanced over the rim of his book and stared at me without blinking. Now I knew where Nicole got her weirdness.
"Oh, I'm so sorry," I apologized. "I thought you were Steven. Any idea where he might be?"
"Nope." Walter went back to his book, but I surprised him by shutting the door behind myself.
I pointed at the glass. "Mind if I have some?"
He gestured to the glass in reply. It was mostly full, but I downed the whole thing in one big gulp. Bad idea; it may have been a wine glass, but that wasn't wine in there. It was a cocktail of surprise for both me and my liver. At least my feat of stupidity got his attention, and he set his book to the side. "You have quite the constitution."
"Well, I am about the size of a small country," I coughed out. My insides were on fire, and the pool looked tempting.
He looked me over and shrugged. "Perhaps, but you have a-well, an interesting disposition."
I plopped myself down in the chair on the other side of the table; the alcohol buzz had started. "Yeah, that's the benefit of not watching what I eat. I don't weep over a salad every night after looking at the scales."
"You're honest," he added.
"Yeah, that's better than lying. I tried that once and ended up with a story about me fighting dragons."
I saw a hint of a smile crease the corners of his lips. "What were you lying about?"
"Stealing a cookie." That got a big snort out of him, and I grinned. "In my defense, it was chocolate chip."
"Yes, well, I must admit I have a weakness for sweets myself."
I remembered the lunch from hell with its pork lie and vegetables. "You don't get much around here, do you?"
"Nope."
He smiled, I smiled, and we came together in our mutual affection for sweets. I hardly remembered the next few hours, though in my defense neither did Steven's dad. He had Doffing bring another wine glass with more 'wine' and we drank ourselves into a brotherhood created only through joined inebriation.
Our non-sober time together was interrupted by the arrival of Steven with his mom. The look of disapproval on her face snapped us both out of our drunken stupor, but for different reasons. His dad was cowed by her glare, and I sheepishly grinned at being caught with my lips on the bottle.
"What in the world do you think you're doing?" she snapped at her husband.
"Enjoying each other's company with a little drink," he replied.
She grabbed the empty bottle and sniffed the contents; her face wrinkled. I couldn't blame her; the stuff smelled like cleaner and tasted like pine needles, but boy was it good. "Have you stolen Doffing's cleaning supplies to make this concoction?" she accused us.
"No, Doffing kindly provided it for us," I quipped.
Helen gave me a death glare not knowing I had anti-death powers from imbibing all that alcohol. Hell, after all that alcohol I could have been embalmed and not feel a thing. "I believe you two have had quite enough. Dinner is ready and we're all waiting for you." She looked at my casual clothes complete with alcohol stains. "Perhaps you two should change to the proper attire."
Walter was marched back to the house and I tried to follow, but I'd had one or two gallons too much of the alcohol. I stumbled over my chair and Steven caught me before I fell to the hard concrete. With his stoic mom gone he had a smile on his face. "You sure you can handle a fork?"
I gave a hiccup. "I can handle anything right now. Just let me at it," I protested. I swung my arm and Steven clutched me against his chest before I could fall again. I giggled. "Maybe I am a little drunk," I admitted.
"I'll say, but I have just the remedy for someone in your condition," he replied.
I glanced over my shoulder. "A kiss?" I eagerly asked.
He shook his head. "No, but something just as wet and exciting."
My suspicions were kindled, but my sluggish thoughts didn't have time to formulate his diabolical plan before he whipped me around and tossed me into the pool. The air-temperature water woke me up and I swam back to the surface in a sober state of mind, and that mind was telling me to destroy the one I loved. Steven stood a foot from the edge and was laughing his head off. "I was sure you'd float better," he choked out.
"I'll get you for this if it's the last thing I do!" I promised. I climbed out of the pool like some monster from an old horror movie with my clawed hands in front of me.
Steven held up his own hands to defend himself. "Come on, Mitsy, Mo
m said you needed to change your clothes anyway."
"But not take a bath!" I countered.
I dove at him; he dodged my attack and ran out of the pool house with me close at his heels. Well, close at his heels for all of ten yards. Then my body remembered I wasn't an athlete and I puttered to a stop. I shook my fist at his retreating back. "Curse you, villain!" I cried out.
I huffed my way up to my room, dried myself and changed my clothes, and in a few minutes was at the table wishing I were back upstairs still drying myself and changing my clothes. I was treated to another horrible lie, this one shaped in the form of turkey carvings. I wondered if I'd have to go out and shoot myself some birds to get any meat around here. This time I watched everyone else at the table to judge their reaction; the final analysis was they all hated the stuff. Everyone chewed their tofu for only a few long, agonizing seconds before swallowing, though in the tofu's defense it was a pasty substance.
I should have been more appreciative toward the tofu; it at least kept Elizabeth from talking to me. Unfortunately, all good things come to an end and she turned to me with her nose so upturned I could see down into her brain cavity. "How is your feline behaving?"
Better than her. "He's fine so long as a stranger doesn't enter the room," I casually replied.
She raised an eyebrow and smirked. "Afraid of strangers?"
"No, he's been trained by ninjas to attack them on sight." Steven choked on his food and covered his smile with his napkin.
Nicole took the joke in stride. "We'd better warn the maid to watch out for him," she chimed in.
"It's okay, he doesn't attack everybody, just those he deems a threat," I replied. "Like a barking dog or skinny women."
Helen coughed, showing that line of conversation was done. "I'm sure you will all be pleased to hear I've invited a mountain guide, one of Walter's old friends, up here to lead you around the higher trails. He should be here the day after tomorrow."
My mouth creaked open and my eyes widened. I didn't mind walking along nature trails enjoying the sights, but this sounded serious. This sounded like backpacks, hiking boots, and dry heaving up a steep mountain trail meant to be accessed only by escalator or mountain goat. With how bad I was craving meat the mountain goat wouldn't have made the climb back down except in my stomach.
Steven saw the look of horror on my face. "Um, that sounds like a great idea for Nicole and me. We'd love-"
"It's for all of you," Helen corrected him. She turned her cold eyes on me. "It would do you all a great deal of good to get out in the fresh air."
"Perhaps I'll join them," Walter spoke up. The announcement surprised everyone, including his wife.
"But dear, you don't hike," she pointed out. "And what about your heart? You know it's a little weak."
He shrugged off her concern. "Then it's about time I took it up. I'm not getting any younger, and the exercise will do my heart some good."
Helen was flustered by this turn of events. "Well, I suppose you could-"
"Of course he can!" Nicole exclaimed. She jumped up from her chair and wrapped her arms around her dad. "We'd be glad to have you!"
There was no convincing Nicole that he couldn't come with us because of age, infirmity, or constant inebriation, so it was a done deal. That night I realized I only had a day and a half of life left, and Steven caught me with my eyes closed praying beside my bed. He entered through the joined bathroom, and leaned his shoulder against the doorway. "It's not that serious," he commented.
"Shh, I'm trying to reconcile with God before I go meet him," I replied.
"That much to catch up on?" he asked me.
"That much to be forgiven for," I corrected him.
He snorted and walked over to me to kneel by my side. "I don't think you were ever that evil."
I opened the eye closest to him. "How would you know? You haven't asked much about my life."
"Well, you told me you're an orphan and you made your way through the world pretty well until I came and messed up your life's ambition to be an office slave," he replied.
I growled and plopped myself down on the bed. "Now you've ruined my concentration and I'll never be forgiven for not returning that library book."
Steven sat down beside me and patted me on the shoulder. "I'm sure God will find it in his heart to forgive you for that horrendous transgression of moral judgment. Besides, I don't think you're going to be seeing him any time soon. This hike thing isn't going to kill you."
"If the hike doesn't kill me your sister Elizabeth might," I countered. "She has it out to ruin any fun time I'm having here, and I'm sure she's the one who let Trudy into my room to chase poor Mr. Perkins."
"Poor Mr. Perkins got the better end of that deal," Steven pointed out. The devil jumped up on the bed and marked us both with his hair. "And tomorrow we'll drive down to the store and get you the right gear so if you do fall and break a leg, we can put you out of your misery with a quick bullet."
"Hardy-har-har, thanks for the vote of confidence," I retorted.
"Didn't I catch you talking to God?" he countered.
"Actually, I had a dual purpose in contacting him," I admitted.
He furrowed his brow. "What was the other purpose?"
"That maybe a fuzzy woodland creature would die in front of us on the trail and we could finally get some meat," I snickered.
Steven grinned and wrapped me in one of his world-famous bear hugs. Okay, they weren't world-famous except in my world, but I loved them. He smelled so nice and was so warm that all I wanted to do was fall asleep in his arms; I did that more than once, too, and it was wonderful. Unfortunately we weren't at my apartment, but at his parents' house, so our snuggling time was interrupted by a knock on the door.
"Yes?" I called out.
"Will there be anything else you require, Miss Collins?" Doffing answered through the door.
I rolled my eyes; a remote monastery in the Tibetan highlands would've been nice. "No, I'm fine, thanks."
Steven sighed and rubbed my shoulders; I purred like a kitten with tonsillitis. "Maybe we'd better get to sleep. My dad said he'd drive us down the mountain tomorrow."
I was half-asleep already beneath his massages. "That's nice of him," I murmured.
Steven chuckled nervously behind me. "Yeah, nice..." he muttered.
His nervousness made me nervous, and I was shaken from my heaven by his worry. "Is there something wrong with him driving us to town?" I asked him.
He plastered a wide, fake grin on his face. "Oh, um, no?"
I shrugged off his hands and narrowed my eyes. "All right, 'fess up, what's wrong with you're dad driving us to town?"
Steven bent over and rubbed the back of his neck. "Well, words can't describe what's wrong."
CHAPTER 5
The next day I found out he was right, there wasn't any words that could describe his dad's driving abilities down that winding, rugged mountain road. There was only one word, and that was suicidal. His dad was a speed demon intent on getting us to hell by the fastest route. We drove down in a red corvette with darker red stripes along the sides and the top down. I swear those stripes made the damn thing go faster, because it wasn't possible for any car to go those speeds without a little more help. We zigged and zagged around the curving corners, and in the back seat I clutched onto Steven who sat loyally by my side. If I was going to slip out of the car on one of these fast corners I wasn't going to go alone.
Somehow we made it alive to the rustic town at the bottom of the mountain. Walter parked the car in front of the outdoor store, and I jumped out so fast I looked like fat lightning striking the ground. I kissed the solid earth and attracted the attention of every passer-bier. Walter stood over me and chuckled like the sadistic man he was. "Come on, we need to buy more than just hiking gear today," he reminded us.
It was also food shopping day, and I promised myself I would buy a hunk of meat to take back with me. First we entered the outdoor store and found it stocked full of every
outdoorsy item ever made. Canoes and kayaks hung from the ceiling, fishing poles lined several aisles with their bait along the back wall, and in the far corner was the hiking gear. Steven and Walter headed that way, and I shuffled after them. Just looking at all this exterior exercise equipment made me tired.
I plopped down on a bench and watched the pair rummage through the sales bins and compare prices. This was the first time I'd seen them together without Helen, and I was struck by how similar they were in their stinginess. No sale sign was missed nor was there any aisle untouched by their miserly hands. I thought we'd be there all day until they both reappeared like the ghost of Christmas sales past with boots for themselves and a few for me to try on.
I tried them all on and realized I didn't like hiking boots, but at Steven's puppy dog eyes pleading for me to cooperate I picked the least disagreeable. We went around and snatched up cheap but sturdy backpacks, cheap dehydrated food, and cheap everything else. By the time we walked up to the counter our hands were so full we could barely see where we were going. Everything was dumped in front of the clerk, who grinned from ear to ear. "Going for a few week's hike?" he asked us.
"A day hike," Walter told him while he fished out his wallet.
The man blinked, but scanned our stuff and we were out of there in a few minutes. We shoved the equipment into the trunk, but there was so much the lid wouldn't quite close. The two boys together pushed down on the lid with me behind them, and were only an inch away from success when I had to open my big, fat, stupid mouth. "Come on, boys, put your shoulders into it," I encouraged them.
The pair paused, glanced at each other, and then back at me. I smiled and waved to them. Steven nodded at the trunk. "How about you put your weight into it," he suggested.
I folded my arms across my chest and frowned. "Are you calling me fat?" I questioned him.
"Um, maybe?" he squeaked out. He looked to his dad for guidance, but Walter had turned away to hide his laughter.
A smile twitched at the corners of my mouth, and I rolled up my sleeves. "All right, boys, step aside. This won't take a moment." They broke apart and the lid popped up a few inches. I stepped back, licked my lips and made a dash for the car. I hopped up and slammed my butt down on the lid. It edged down to within an inch of closing, but even my weight couldn't quite make it. "A little help here." The boys resumed their positions and with our powers combined the lid was mastered. I slipped off and brushed myself off. "See? Nothing to it. Now how about we find some food to eat? I feel like biting into something dead and deep-fried."
