by Tara Brown
“Do you think it hurts?” she asked, not being specific because it wasn't needed. Not anymore. We all thought about one thing. We had three days left.
“No. I watched it. My friend died in front of me. Mrs. Henry. There was no pain. And she was speaking to her mom. She went to heaven; I heard her tell her mom she was coming.” I hadn’t given that the thought it deserved at the time. It was a clue I’d missed.
“Really?” She perked up.
“Yeah. I saw it all. One minute she was normal and the next, like a switch flicked on, she was talking to her mom and then she was gone. Taken almost.”
“That’s awesome.” Hannah sighed, possibly relieved by that. “I can’t wait to see my mom and dad.”
“I know. Mine is Owen, West, Celeste, Milo, and Rozzy.”
“You don't care if you see your mom?”
“I care,” I said, not sure how to explain my indifference. “But I’m one of those people who had to choose my family. My family sort of left me.” I didn't love sharing it, but she needed the conversation and the realness.
“Oh. Well, Aunt Celeste is the best of all my mom’s family. Her and my grandma were my favorites. So cool and independent and strong. I wanted to be just like them.”
“Well, I suspect when you get to heaven, you can be whatever you want.”
“What do you want to be?”
“Anne Elliot,” I said without even thinking.
“Who?”
“She was the main charter of Jane Austen’s book Persuasion. She was a timid woman who always did all the things her family expected of her. And one day she fell in love with a boy, and he wasn't good enough for her father. So instead of following her heart, she broke things off with him.”
“You want to be her?” she asked snidely.
“I do.” I laughed, for real. It was a magical feeling. “Because she realizes how stupid she was. And he comes back and he still loves her and wants her, and now it’s her turn to work for his affection and trust again. And because she is a true friend and a good person with a kind and devoted heart, he sees she hasn’t really changed from the girl he always loved. And they marry.”
“So you want to be a wife?” She didn't sound impressed.
“No.” I shook my head, smiling from the pathetic answer I’d given. “I just wanted someone to love me like that.” The tears were instant. They flooded my face and poured down my cheeks. My answer was a dressed-up version of basic things all abandoned kids dreamt of.
“Did you ever find it?” She cried with me.
“Yes.” I bit my lip for a second, causing pain enough that I wouldn't carve my arm up in front of her. I had to be more than I was, for the kids. The aliens were watching. “For two whole days. Two days of love like that.” I shuddered from the pain and the wind and the coldness in my heart. “And it was enough. Enough for a lifetime.” It had to be.
“I’m never going to feel that,” she said with a sob.
I wrapped my arms around her, holding her, and us crying together. “And you’ll never feel the cruel pain that comes when you lose it.”
“Was it worth the pain?”
I wanted to lie, but I didn't. I nodded against her, smelling the shitty shampoo and conditioner we had here.
“I wish I could have felt love, just once.”
“Next time,” I told her. “There’s no way this is it. The old books and legends and scripts say this has happened before. A restart. A reset. An extinction that leads to a rebirth. A new start.”
“Really?” she whispered into the cold night air.
“I promise. So next time, you will find love and feel the sting of loss and the bloom of healing. And it will be magical. I swear to you.” It might have been the biggest lie I’d ever told. But I couldn't be sure.
41
The Teens
Zoey
The cold concrete floor and the massive white ceiling were sterile and uncomfortable. Jack hurried to where I lay. “What are you doing?”
“Practicing,” I said.
“We have hours, weirdo.” But he lay next to me, and stared at the ceiling.
“I know. But I can’t keep it together in front of the kids. I’m losing it. I needed a minute. And no one ever comes here.”
“Yeah because you can still smell that hint of ash and barbecue.” He turned his head to face me. “This might be your most morbid moment.”
“Nope,” I said and faced him too. Staring into his eyes was like looking into my own, only his were prettier. “Most morbid moment was when I told Milo I wanted to kill myself the week they died so I wouldn't be alone.”
“You’re not alone.” He shook his head slightly.
“I know. But I was scared I might be. And the decision to do it was easy. Creepy easy.”
“I know that one,” he said, not elaborating. “I wish we knew each other, Zo.”
“Me too. But don't you kind of feel like maybe we do?”
“Yeah. Like I don't need to talk with you, you just know and I know, and it’s not weird.”
“Right.” I smiled and was so grateful for him my heart swelled, burning a little. “And I think this is all planned. Like our dad doing what he did and messing us up and being a douche bag, and our moms being who they were and us meeting like this and dying like this. Together. I think this was a plan. Like it was supposed to happen this way.”
“Me too. I don't regret this is how I’m going to die.”
“Me either.” I reached my hand to his and gripped his fingers.
He squeezed mine and sat up, pulling me to sit too. “We gotta get Hannah and the other kids though. We can’t hide in here.”
“I know,” I moaned and let him force me up to my feet to stand next to him.
He held my hand as we stepped slowly out of the warehouse and into the sunny cold day where Stan waited for me and Ginger waited for Jack. “Hello, my love.” I slipped my fingers into his fur and stroked him.
Jack picked up Ginger and let her kiss his cheek.
At the library, Hannah was reading Persuasion. She was almost finished and her cheeks were tear-stained.
“Wanna do me a huge favor?” I asked Jack softly.
“No.”
“Can you pretend to kind of like her and give her a first kiss or flirt with her?”
“She’s fourteen,” he said with disgust.
“And if you were twenty and twenty-four, it wouldn't matter. Just do it. She’s dying without ever knowing what those butterflies feel like. Can you imagine? No first kiss. No boy to make you swoon. Or girl in your case.”
“Please don't make me do this,” he pleaded.
“You have to. We both know you do.”
“You are the worst sister I ever had.” He lifted a finger in my face.
“I’m the only one you got, soooooo there’s that.” I patted him on the shoulder, then Stan and I walked over to the desk to start sorting books to put back on shelves.
We let Hannah sit in silence until she came over to us. She sniffled and nodded. “I get it.”
“Yeah?” I felt a little better about my poor-ass example of what I wanted out of life.
“Yeah. She was awesome. I want to be her too.”
“Yeah, she’s the best. If you guys wanna clean up here, I’ll go make sure Joey and Marshall are okay. And that Helen and the ladies aren’t up to their ears in poop.” I waved and walked to the door, Stan with me.
Jack gave me the dirtiest look. I had a single day of sibling rivalry and it was everything.
Stan and I helped at the daycare for a couple of hours. Helen and Rose and the ladies were exhausted but this was it. Last seven days and then nothing but peace. Well, they would have to run the engines and burn us all. That would be lovely for them . . .
“Zoey,” Helen called over, her eyes darting to the clock on the wall.
I winced. We had twenty minutes.
“We can’t come,” she said as she walked over, two kids in her arms.
&n
bsp; “I know.” I wished she could but there was no way all these babies would be cared for by five old ladies and some nine-year-olds. Adding a road trip across the base wasn't even in the same neighborhood as possible.
“I hope I see you soon, kid.” She was exhausted and weary.
“Me too. Thanks for everything you’ve done. And thanks for being nice to us.” I hugged her tightly.
“Tell those boys I said they better make sure heaven is better than you expected.” She kissed the side of my face.
“I will. Take care of Stan and Ginger please.” I laughed, hating how fake it sounded. But it was all I had. I was either going to be fake or cry everywhere. “Ready teens?” I stepped back and called out, “Everyone who is ten and older, come with me please.”
Marshall tried to come but I offered his hand to Rose. “You have to stay and help.”
“Why do I have to go if Marshall can’t come?” Joey complained, pulling his hand from mine.
“Because we are going to see your mom and dad. Marshall sees his next week.” I believed Tasha and Aaron would be waiting for Joey and there was an afterlife, so the words flowed from my lips easily, “Your mom and dad are waiting, Joey.”
“I don't want to,” Joey protested. It was his first time complaining or acting out.
“I know. And Marshall will be there next week too. You will see each other in a week.”
Hannah entered the daycare right at the moment I needed her. She walked to Marshall and hugged him tightly, fighting tears. “I’m going to see Mom and Dad, Auntie Celeste, and Grandma and Grandpa. And then we’re going to come get you. Okay? But I told Rose and Helen that you can help take care of the babies for one more week. Is that okay? They really need your help.”
“Okay.” Marshall pouted, his eyes glossy and red. “I guess.”
“I love you, Marshy. Be good and be helpful, please.”
“Fine.”
I hugged him too, though we hadn’t bonded. Rose offered him some chocolate from her secret stash if he came with her.
“Come on, Joey.” I took his hand again.
He slumped and nodded. “Bye, Marshall. See you next week. We’ll play then.”
Tears filled my eyes but I managed to hide it. Better than Helen was. Rose didn't hide it at all. She wiped away the tears of the two little boys parting.
Hannah gave her brother one more hug and came with Joey and me.
The other teenagers were there at the door, waiting with petrified expressions on their faces.
We walked to the warehouse, Hannah chatting Joey up about how excited she was to see her parents.
Jack and Ginger were at the entrance, waiting for us.
Stan nudged me at the door.
This was it.
As far as he could go.
I knelt, sobbing. “You can’t come. You have to stay and take care of Ginger, okay?” Hot tears poured from my cheeks as I rubbed his soft face. “I love you so much. And I’m so grateful you came into my life. But you and Ginger need to go help with the babies.” My heart was breaking, the final pieces of it sloughing off and becoming ash before the rest of me had even died. “I will love you forever.” I kissed his face, getting my tears all over him. I hugged the huge white dog, sobbing into him.
“Zo, we gotta go.” Jack put Ginger down next to Stan. He petted her one more time. He wiped his eyes and waved, taking my hand in his.
I kissed Stan once more, breathing as much of him in and filling my lungs with what I would need to get through the next few minutes.
Trading him for his essence, I left what was left of my heart there, on the cement with a white fluffy polar bear of a dog. “I love you.”
He barked once, making me cry harder. I waved as he turned around, walking away like he knew. He was part of the plan. My plan. My life.
Hannah was leaning against the wall, alone and sobbing when Jack and I rounded the corner to the doorway. She wiped her face and nodded. “Sorry. I needed a minute.” She sniffled.
“It’s okay.” I squeezed her hand with mine and let Jack lead us inside. “It’s going to be okay. I promise.”
When we lay down, Hannah took Joey’s little hand in hers. The kids around us were visibly scared and the younger ones were crying. But I knew it would be over the moment they saw their parents or friends or families.
My faith that I would see my friends and family was so strong, my sadness diminished and I grew anxious for it to be over.
“Did you do it?” I whispered to Jack about Hannah.
He shook his head. “No. We talked and she started crying. And I didn't want to.”
“You suck.” I couldn't fight the little slip of a chuckle that left my lips.
“Shut up, Zoey.” He stole my line as we lay back in almost the same spot as earlier.
His fingers were sweaty when they held mine, but he wasn't letting go, him or Hannah. And little Joey gripped Hannah’s hand.
“Are you scared?” he asked.
“No,” I lied.
“Me either,” he lied too, smiling at me one last time. “Next time, we grow up together, okay?”
“Okay.” I squeezed his sweaty hand once more and closed my eyes with the image of his face and Stan’s floating beautifully in my mind. We’d spent so much time talking about finding something beautiful to remember in the end. Something worthy of a last memory. Something remarkable and crazy.
I had that.
I’d had it all along, I just didn't know.
In the end, the beautiful thing we found wasn’t a place. Or a bunker. Or a country. Or a location. It was love. We found love.
No.
We found out we were loved.
All along, we’d been loved.
And it was enough.
More than enough.
The quiet sound of sniffles took over the large space.
I listened to the white noise that we became.
The realization that I’d left the library and our house a mess hit me.
Nothing was as it should’ve been.
But I also realized that for the first time since this started, I knew there wouldn't be any survivors. Somehow, deep down, I was certain with scary accuracy and faith that Helen and Rose and the others would die with the babies in one week. I was positive that would happen. So positive that it frightened me.
The humans would all leave.
Our time was over. For now.
We wouldn’t be trusted to clean up our own mess.
We wouldn’t leave the world as it should have been.
But eventually the world would look as it was supposed to.
And the animals would be free.
And maybe it would start fresh with Adam and Eve. Or whatever the aliens or God wanted to call them this time.
I hoped they’d learned their lessons with us and wouldn't repeat the same mistakes. Wouldn't wind up with this same tragic end.
The image of Stan shone brightly in my mind, and as I took a deep inhale, I was sucked in by the fuzzy feeling, almost as if that had been part of my plan too. I’d been fading into the fuzz, feeling it coming, for a long time. It became a comfort here in the end. I didn’t grip my arm, creating pain to keep me grounded. I didn’t need to stay behind this time. I let the fuzz take me, just as it had threatened to for years.
My heartbeat whispered around me.
The fog cleared and I was there.
It was over and had begun again in a heartbeat.
A scene built around me.
Me and arched buildings and the silly bonnet and the desperate need to find him. He was waiting for me.
“Lotus-eaters,” I whispered then ran along the arched row houses in Bath, my feet the only sound as they slapped the cobbled pavement.
The mist cleared more and I saw him. He turned and smiled.
“Come home, Zo. Come to me,” his voice carried on the wind.
“I’m coming, West.”
The fog cleared more and I could see Owen was next
to him. I ran, waving my arms excitedly.
Celeste, Rozzy, Milo, and Jack were there too.
I wasn't reading the book and imagining the scene from a bench on the street. I was living the entire scene.
“I’m coming!” I shouted, my heart filled with bliss, even when everything went dark.
Because I knew, we would do it all again and this time, this time it would be better.
Because Gods and aliens were watching, and hopefully they had been taking notes on how to fix things.
The End
If you liked this book, check out The Born Trilogy!
Here is a sample chapter!
Born
Chapter One
They say the world is built for two, but in the silence of the old cellar, two feels like a long-lost dream. It's an ice cream cone on a boardwalk with the sun above and the sea below. It's the wind rolling around you gently, persuading you in all the directions at once and mixing sand over your feet as your toes dig in. It's a perfect place that none of us tries to remember.
What’s the point in remembering when there’s no way to go back, and no matter how hard we work to move forward, we’ll always be stuck in the muck we’ve made.
Besides, in any mind left functioning, the world was built for pain. Perhaps once there had been a place where love and companionship were something to push your life toward.
This isn't that world anymore.
To me, that world never existed anyway. The world has always been a selfish place where love is fleeting and people are fickle. Once upon a time, true love accidentally happened to the fortunate. They polluted and corrupted it, and like everything else, it got sick.
I've seen it. I've seen it and in the end, when it's taken away, the people who protest or cry the loudest are the ones who have taken it for granted the most. The ones who have abused it, but didn’t even know they were doing it.
I size up the cellar I’ve been hiding in, lying low in the shadows that have become my world. It’s time to move on. In the four days I’ve been here, I’ve barely moved at all. My body is tense from it but that’s my rule, and now because of it I can breathe easier knowing I'm probably safe. I always end a supply run with a quiet few days in a cellar or basement.
