And that was just the tip of the iceberg.
“She needs to learn discipline,” Megan shouted at her mother after the guests followed one another out the door.
“Oh, for heaven’s sake, Meggie. You know better than that.”
“I’m sorry I ever had her,” Megan continued shouting. “She’s ruined my life. And Henry’s on his way out the door. I only had her for him, him and some stupid idea of us being a family and now I’m the one left holding the baby that I never wanted anyway.”
Ethel slapped her hard across the face.
Megan stared at her mother, her eyes wide. Her mother, who had never even swatted her lightly, had belted her a heavyweight blow.
Megan raised her hand to the stinging welt and tears welled up in her eyes.
“You can think any range of selfish thoughts inside the privacy of your head,” Ethel said. “But you are never to voice such disloyal nonsense about Amelia again. Not to me, not to anyone. You are not permitted to even mutter any such thing under your breath. Do you understand?”
Megan’s face settled into an ambiguous scowl but she nodded and dug into her purse for a Kleenex and she blew her nose.
“I am serious, Megan,” her mother said. “One more word like that, ever, and you are out the door, and I wouldn’t care if I never saw you again. That’s how strongly I feel about this. You have selective hearing so I need to know that you are getting this message loud and clear.”
“I hear you, I hear you,” Megan said. “She’s like Henry, isn’t she? She’s not normal.”
“Don’t talk about her like that. What is wrong with you? You’re the one with the problem, Megan. It’s not normal to talk about your own daughter that way. It’s true that Amelia appears to have inherited some of Henry’s tendencies. She doesn’t feel the cold, for one thing. I wouldn’t have thought his problems had a genetic basis but it does seem to be the case. There must be more to Henry’s condition than we realized with less of it within his control than we thought. Last night Amelia wanted to go for a walk in the middle of the night. ‘Walk, Nana! Go walkies,’ she kept saying and I tried to explain, ‘No, sweetie, nighttime is when everybody is asleep, doggies, birdies, kitties—’”
“Yes, I get the idea,” Megan interrupted her. “Oh god. Another Henry. She’s doomed then, Mom. We may as well give up on her.”
“You mustn’t ever say that.” Ethel was fierce. “She’s also brighter and more intelligent than most kids and Henry’s very loveable, you more than anyone knows that.”
“But his life is hell, and my life is hell because of it, and so will Amelia’s be and anybody who wants to have any kind of relationship with her. I’m not going to think about it now. I’ve got too much going on. Work’s crazy and it’s just me supporting all of you. I’ll have to take on more shifts at the gym, and god knows I hardly see you all as it is.” She paused. “I think Henry’s going to leave us.”
“What makes you think so?” Ethel asked. “I know he’s been slipping out at night for months now and I’m always relieved when he comes back. But why do you think he’s leaving? Has he told you that?”
Megan snorted. “That would mean acknowledging the truth of a thing and his whole life is about trying to prove the improbable logic of inconsistency and unreliability so he’d never say anything that definitive.”
“He’s so clever,” Ethel mourned. “He was doing so well when Ed was here. It makes me so sad for him.”
“You’re sad for him? I’m sad for me. He ruined my life. Level-headed me and look what I ended up with. Stupid, stupid me.”
“You fell in love,” Ethel said.
“Yeah.” Megan began to gather toys and clothes and crayons, her expression tired. “I think he’s taking LSD again. I found him in the shower the other day washing his hair with dish detergent, marvelling at the beauty of the bubbles. And he told me he was due to give a talk at the university but he hasn’t been there since before that terrible book launch.”
Ethel was silent. She had no idea what to say.
“And now,” Megan said, “Amelia’s like him. Maybe it’s better if he does leave us. Maybe he’s taught her to do things like this, walking at midnight and sleeping in the day. Maybe it’s better if he goes.”
Ethel shook her head but Henry obliged Megan by doing exactly that. He left.
He came downstairs the following day and found Ethel and Megan in the kitchen, giving Amelia her breakfast. “You both know I have got to go,” he said. “I will come back a better man, you will see. I need to consult with the spirit of the West. She is calling me. Hers is the loudest voice of all.”
“It would be more helpful if you stayed here and became a better man,” Megan said, sounding, she thought, perfectly reasonable but her voice broke.
“Oh, Meggie.” He came and held her close and she buried her head in his chest.
“Don’t go, Henry,” she said. “Mom’s right. You were doing okay with Dad. I’ll help you. We’ll speak to Dr. Margolin and see what else we can do, or we’ll find you a new doctor. Don’t go.”
Henry stroked her hair. “I can’t stay,” he murmured into the top of her head. “I wish I could.”
Megan jerked away from him and lit a cigarette. “Well, then, fuck off already,” she said.
Henry crouched down next to Amelia. “I am sorry, baby girl,” he said. “You know that, right?”
Amelia nodded and put her tiny hand on his face.
“I will come back, I just don’t know when. But I will come back.” He straightened up.
“I am sorry, Mom,” he said to Ethel. “I let you down.”
“You didn’t, Henry. Look after yourself out there, okay?” Ethel was crying; big fat tears rolled down her cheeks.
Henry nodded and walked through the house to the front door. He was carrying a small plastic yellow and red grocery bag with a few of his possessions. Amelia pounded her fists, wanting to be taken out of her high chair and as soon as Ethel put her down, she toddled after Henry.
He hunkered down and gave her a hug. “Noli timere,” he said to her. “Don’t be afraid, okay, baby girl?”
Amelia nodded, a solemn expression on her little face, and Henry opened the door and left without looking back.
Ethel tided up the kitchen and Megan went to find Amelia. “I’m going to practice my routine again. Tomorrow’s my big day,” she said. “Mama’s made up a whole new dance and exercise class and I don’t want to screw it up. Do you want to come and watch Mama practice?”
The tiny figure at the window shook her head, her shoulders firm and unforgiving. “No,” she said. “No.”
When they woke the following morning, the house felt empty. Henry’s inscrutable scribbles were still tacked to the walls and Megan took them down.
“I can’t look at them,” Megan said. “I know I was mean to him. I was trying to jolt him into some kind of normal. I know it was stupid. I miss him so much already.”
“I do too,” Ethel said. “There’s something about Henry. Even when he’s not doing well, it’s nicer when he’s here.”
“Are you going to be okay?” Megan asked her mother. “I have to go to work today. I can’t be unreliable.”
“I’ll be fine, off you go. It’s not like Henry was helping me in any way. Good luck with your new class.”
“I’ll phone you later,” Megan said and she gathered her gym gear and left. She made it through her class and it went fine but afterwards, the stress demanded release and she sat in a toilet stall in the washroom and cried. When she came out, the gym had emptied but Emilio was waiting.
“What’s wrong?” he asked. “You did a great job. Don’t misunderstand me but I could tell you were upset when you came in and now you’ve been crying.”
Megan tried to laugh. “How much time have you got?”
“For you, all the time i
n the world. Come on, there’s no one here. We’ve got a couple of hours before the next regulars arrive. Tell me what’s going on.”
Megan sat down in his small office and cupped a mug of green tea in her hands. “I fell in love,” she said. “I fell in love with a crazy poet. And I thought I could handle the consequences that came with it, but I was wrong.” She told Emilio the whole story.
“He left yesterday? Maybe he’ll come back, just like he did before,” Emilio said after she had finished her tale.
Megan shook her head. “No, not this time. He meant it. I could see that.”
“But he was so great with Amelia,” Emilio marvelled. “I was so impressed. I wished I could be like that with a child.”
“Yeah, he was great. When he’s doing okay, there’s no one like Henry. He’s magnetic, full of energy and life. Being with him was like watching an amazing movie come alive and being part of it for a moment. It felt incredible. But then there was the disaster area he left behind, time after time.”
“It was probably your father’s death that tipped him over the edge,” Emilio said. “From the sounds of it, the first time he went crazy it was because you were pregnant and this time it’s because of your father.”
“I don’t know. He went crazy before he knew I was pregnant, I hadn’t told him. But you could be right about Dad. Henry loved him.”
“Do you have any idea where he might have gone?”
“No. All he said was that he had to go west to follow the strongest voice. I can’t see anyone letting him get on a bus in the state he’s in, although, that said, he was remarkably lucid the day he left. It comes and goes with Henry.”
“And all kinds of people get on buses,” Emilio said. “Megan, you do know that I am here for you? I mean, really here for you?”
Her eyes filled with tears. “Oh, Emilio, thank you. I thought it was just me who felt what was going on between us. I’m so happy I wasn’t wrong.” She reached over and grabbed his hand and she immediately realized that it was the wrong thing to do.
Emilio froze, his soulful eyes wide and sad. “I am sorry,” he said. “I am gay. Megan, you didn’t know?”
“How would I ever have known?” she asked. “I thought you were flirting with me all this time, and not only me, but all the women at the gym.”
He smiled ruefully. “I have the so-called Brazilian charm, my dear.”
“Do you have a partner?”
He shook his head. “No, I haven’t had one the whole time we have known each other. I’m sorry, Megan.”
Megan looked at him and grinned. “It’s okay. In a way it makes things easier. Relationships are so screwy you know? Now we can be friends, at least I hope we can.”
“Best friends! And you are a very good teacher too. We have a good thing here. Let’s be happy about that, since life is such an up and down thing. We’ll take the good stuff where we can, don’t you think?”
“I do think,” Megan said. She finished her tea. “I’d better phone home and see if Mom is okay.”
“How was your class, dear?” Ethel asked.
“It went fine. It felt good, actually. It wasn’t the best day for it. I was thinking about our stuff but still, it was good. You okay?”
“Yes, dear, I’m fine.”
“And Amelia? Have you noticed any more Henry-isms?”
Her mother hesitated.
“Go on, Mom, tell me.”
“Remember how Henry liked soup for breakfast and pancakes for supper? Amelia likes that too. And how Henry would wear odd socks? She does that, even with her shoes. And more than a few times, when I’ve gone to wake her, she’s been sleeping on the floor. She said it’s more comfortable than her bed. And often when I get up in the morning, she’s awake. She sits quietly, playing with her toys, and from the mess, I can tell that she’s been at it for hours. She doesn’t understand seasonality or what the hours of a day mean. She can’t grasp that morning is for breakfast, midday is for lunch, and things like that. And she’s got Henry’s wanderlust too. When we’re out walking, she’ll suddenly want to turn down a road for no reason and she just does things that seem, I don’t know, so random. I think that’s the best description for it really. She does such random things.”
Megan sighed. “All we can do is keep an eye on things and do the best we can.”
She hung up the phone and sat at the front desk, staring into space, not thinking about much of anything until the bell at the front door of the gym signalled that someone had come in for a workout.
Megan stood up. “Hi Mike,” she said to one of the regulars. “Good to see you! Great day, eh?”
Megan stubbornly refused to give Amelia a party on her third birthday. “She’ll just screw it up for everybody,” she insisted.
“But it’s not about everybody,” Ethel said, wondering why her daughter was so unrelentingly selfish but she knew the answer: Megan was still trying to punish the vanished Henry by denying his daughter the things she wanted.
“It’s about Amelia and celebrating her.” But Ethel’s efforts were in vain and Amelia’s third birthday slipped by with the three of them wearing party hats and eating cake at the kitchen table.
“We’re having a party,” Ethel said, when Amelia’s fourth birthday neared, and Megan could tell by the set of her mother’s jaw that this one wasn’t up for discussion.
“Suggestions?” she asked, spooning a revolting mix of barley green and protein powder into a blender.
”We’ll have it at Elves, Gnomes and Little People,” Ethel said. “I’ll book the Sun, Moon and Stars room and we’ll have them cater cakes and things and the kids can come and go as they please and play on whatever they want to.”
Elves, Gnomes and Little People was a party venue filled with jumping castles, slides, climbing apparatus, coloured balls, and all manner of soft surfaces for children to leap on and fall off.
“I think it’s dangerous,” Megan said. “Some of those slides are really high and I heard two kids broke their arms coming down off them. And some other little boy got tangled in the netting and nearly broke his leg. It’s always such chaos. I don’t see the appeal.”
“They serve good enough food for everybody,” Ethel said. “And all the parents take their kids there. I’ll send out invites and get it organized. All you have to do is show up, Megan, and be nice.”
“Who will you invite?” Megan was honestly curious.
“Amelia’s got more friends than you might think,” Ethel was defensive. “She’s a very popular little girl.”
Megan snorted, poured her green drink into a bottle and left.
The party was scheduled for a Saturday and Amelia was beyond excited. She had her dress picked out: it was a ballerina tutu, with a peach frill and shiny stars on the bodice. She had purple fairy wings and purple leggings and she couldn’t wait for the day to come.
The only trouble was, she truly couldn’t wait for the day to come. Two Thursdays before the big event, Amelia arrived at the breakfast table in her ballerina costume, smiling and happy. “Birfday!” she announced, clapping her hands. “Yay, birfday!”
“No, honey, it’s not for another ten days,” Ethel explained. “Come on, Nana will help you get changed and we’ll go to the park.”
Amelia’s face filled with darkness and confusion. “No,” she said. “Birfday today!” She looked close to tears, crumpled and tiny, and Ethel made a quick decision.
“You know what, honey, you’re right! Happy Birthday, my baby girl! Megan, wish Amelia a happy birthday and tell her how lovely she looks.”
Megan gave her daughter a quick peck on the cheek. “I told you so,” she said to her mother. “Good luck with your day. See you later.”
Ethel grabbed her daughter and yanked her to a stop. “Amelia,” she said, “can you play with your toys for a little bit? Mommy and Nana need to have a
talk.”
Megan’s face filled with a darkness similar to Amelia’s but she wasn’t confused about anything. “You want me to play along and pretend her birthday is today?” she hissed at her mother.
Ethel nodded. “That’s exactly what you’ll do. You’ll call Emilio and tell him you’ll be in by three, and then you go and get dressed into an outfit to celebrate your daughter’s birthday.”
“Great, it’ll be you, me, and Amelia, and the kids who work at the counters,” Megan was scathing.
“I’m going to call a few mothers and see if they can come,” Ethel said. “I thought this might happen, so I have a few contingency plans lined up.”
“You’re enabling her,” Megan accused.
“She can’t help it,” Ethel said. “Go and get changed, okay? And then go to the bakery on the corner and get one of their birthday cakes.”
“You’re so bossy,” Megan said but she dialed Emilio’s number and explained the situation and then she went upstairs to get changed while Ethel worked the landline.
“Like I told you on the phone, nothing’s set up upstairs,” the kid at main counter said when Ethel, Megan, and Amelia arrived, cake in hand.
“It’s okay,” Ethel said. “Amelia, do you want to stay and play down here, baby? There’s nothing up there, they weren’t ready.”
“No, I want stars room.”
“Please can we go up?” Ethel asked the kid. “It’s fine if nothing’s setup. It’s her birthday, she really wants to be in the star room.”
“Suit yourself,” the kid shrugged and he went to unlock the room.
Just then a few of the other mothers arrived with their kids. “We didn’t have time to get gifts,” they apologized to Ethel, who reassured them it was fine.
“I’ve got a busload of presents,” Ethel admitted. “I thought this might happen. The star room isn’t set up either,” she explained, “but Amelia wants to have her birthday in there. Can we all please go up and eat some cake in an empty room and let Amelia open her presents and play along as best we can?”
The Nearly Girl Page 10
