by Elle A. Rose
***
I was living in Ohio at the time. It was a small town outside of Euclid, with maybe a population of fifteen hundred, including me. I lived on the outskirts of town and did not feel the need to go into town much. This was the second location I had decided to settle in. My family was residing in England at the time. I assumed they decided to try the whole mainstream thing. They were always sending me letters; trying to convince me to come join them. Each detailed letter explained how much I would enjoy staying overseas, and how wonderful it would be for all of us to be under the same roof again. I usually sent a letter back telling them I missed them too, and was very happy for them. Sometimes, I would call just to hear their voices. I knew their minds well enough to connect with them without using a phone, but I did not like to disturb them when they could be in the middle of something important. Talking to someone mentally, even for a vampire, can be a hard thing to do, if you do not know an incoming conversation is about to assault your train of thought. I once tried talking to Isaac, not realizing he was in the middle of drinking from the prey he just caught. He was none too happy with me, when I suddenly popped in his head and his dinner slipped away from him.
It was a Wednesday afternoon when my phone rang. The call probably would not have startled me had it been on the phone line everyone had access to. No, this was the private phone line. Only one person in the world had sanction to the number. Lance. I bolted up right and answered the phone before the first ring ended. So many questions ran through my head before I put the receiver to my ear. Why was he calling? Was he hurt? Did he finally decide that he could no longer live without me? As I picked the phone up, I could hear someone lightly sniffing on the other end. “Hello?” My voice slightly shook as I spoke into the mouthpiece.
“Amber? Wow, it’s so good to hear your voice. I wondered if it would sound the same.”
My chest swelled. It was Lance. I had wondered if his voice would sound the same as well. “Lance, what’s wrong?” I sensed he was having trouble breathing through his nose.
“It’s my mother. She passed this morning.”
I was speechless. I understand the human life cycle, yet, it is still hard to know someone has lost a loved one. I was aware that over the last few years, his mother’s health had become worse.
I was alerted when the twenty-four hour nursing service I promised to provide was put into effect. I also knew Lance would do anything in his power to help his mother, but at what cost? If he had help, hopefully he would continue school, which he did. There must have been too long of a pause because he started to speak again. His voice was a little unsure as he continued the conversation.
“I’m sorry to have called I…I didn’t want to disturb you. I just thought you would want to know.”
The realization of what he was saying brought on more guilt. Here he was, just losing his mother and he was worried about how I would react to him calling me. “Lance there is no reason for you to be apologizing. I’m the one that should be saying sorry. I’m glad that you called. What can I do?”
“I don’t know. I didn’t think that far ahead. I guess I just needed to hear your voice. Besides her, you’re all I have left.”
The gravity of what he was saying struck me. His mother was his only living relative. He had not married yet, and had just started a new job in Nashville, Tennessee working in a hospital. “Amber?”
“Yes, sorry.” I must have zoned out again.
“I was wondering. Will you come to the funeral?”
I had not expected him to ask me that. Stuttering is not in my nature, but I managed to fall all over my words. I did not know what to say. “I umm, Lance, I don’t umm.” I knew it was the right thing to do, but I was not sure how I would take it. Maybe he was over me, and just needed a friend to be there. But if I went, would I be able to leave?
I then remembered that this was not about me. So, I took a deep breath, swallowed my pride, hopes, dreams and fear…again, and told him ‘yes’. The conversation only lasted a few more minutes after my response. He still had a lot of things to take care of. Prior to getting off the phone Lance gave me all the details. I told him I would attend the wake, which was planned for the following Tuesday. I was not working or going to school at that time, but the longer I stayed with Lance the less likely I would have the courage to leave. I think he was surprised that first the phone number was real-he had never tried to call it before that day, even though I held up the rest of the bargain. Secondly, he was stunned that I was actually going to come at all. I believe he figured I would tell him ‘no’. As we hung up, he was still a little apprehensive that I would not show. Once I got off the phone with Lance, I called my family.
Olivia answered on the first ring. I was typically the only person that called and we had just talked a few days before. I could hear the concern in her voice when she spoke into the receiver. After assuring her all was well with me, I told her about Mrs. Grayson, and how I was going to pay my respects. She was very upset about Lance’s mother. Over the years that Lance and I dated, Olivia would sometimes come over and help Mrs. Grayson out on her bad days. They were not best friends, but they were both two moms happy to see their children in love. I do believe Olivia sent the Graysons Christmas cards every year-never with a return address. Christopher and Isaac were both at the house when I called, and they all decided they would come with me to the viewing. We made plans for me to pick them up at the airport in Nashville and then we would go together from there to the wake.
The next few days seemed to be the slowest days of my entire life-human and vampire. I paced the floor nonstop. One minute I would chicken out and not want to go, and the next I was excited to see Lance. I calculated the distance to the funeral parlor and for a human it was about an eight to nine hour trip. For me, it would take half that time, if not less. I would have rather gone on foot, but arriving with no car would have appeared weird to everyone, besides Lance. My family and I always attract enough attention just by being in a room with humans, no reason to make it worse.
I picked my family up from the airport about an hour before the wake. It was wonderful to see them again. It had been twelve years since they left for Europe. It was weird, we examined each other like there could be or were changes to our faces and bodies. We all knew there would be none; nonetheless, for some reason we all felt the need to still check. I let Isaac drive the car with Olivia in the front, Christopher and I in the back. I think I would have lost my nerve, turned us around, drove back to the airport and jumped on the next plane to England had I driven. I kept wondering: How would Lance look? How would he feel about seeing me since I have not changed? Would we have time to talk? I fidgeted in the back seat as these thoughts ran through my head. Christopher reached over and gave my hand a light squeeze. His touch helped calm my nerves. My head cleared slightly and I realized I was being selfish, and had to remind myself that this was not a happy gathering, Lance’s mother just died.
None of us had ever gone to a wake or a funeral-well, at least in this lifetime. Isaac and Olivia had as humans, but we were not sure if traditions had changed much. Lance was the only human any of us had become close enough to care if someone died. We were unaware of proper protocol for the era. Would it be like the old days from the time when Isaac and Olivia were still human or would it be something like what we see on television or read in a book? We also knew it could have been none of the above and the wake could end up being something that none of us were expecting. Isaac pulled the car into one of the furthest parking spaces from the building and we all climbed out of the vehicle. As we headed into the funeral home with Isaac and Olivia in front and Christopher behind me, I felt the need to run in the opposite direction. I think Christopher knew I may bolt, that is why he positioned himself last in line. Although, I could have fled without him being able to stop me, still it was nice to see he cared.
We entered the parlor, and I was surprised in some ways. The room was set up just like they s
how on television. Chairs lined up with an aisle down the middle with an array of dark colors, dark wood trim along the pillars and walls accented the gloomy ambiance. Flowers, some real, some fake, were propped up next to what I assumed was the casket. I counted over forty heartbeats in the room. Some of the guest were standing and talking, while others sat with tissue keeping them company. Standing in front of the casket was a couple, a man and a woman, the man was bending over the casket, like he was talking to the person inside. The woman, too, was leaning forward, just not as close. Her hand was gently stroking the man’s back.
Isaac turned and made eye contact with me. He, like the rest of us was nervous and instinctively went on guard. I dropped my wall so I could help Isaac read the minds in the room. I was positive there was no danger, but we could never be too sure. I also wondered where Lance was. I figured he would be out in the open and I hoped he was doing okay, and I would see him soon. We entered the parlor and mourners began to stare at us. Since my wall was down, I could hear everyone in the room’s thoughts about my family and me as we made our entrances. No one knew we could hear everything they were saying, even though they were murmuring. The noise level only went up the smallest amount, but something about it got the man’s attention that was leaning over the casket. He stiffened, then stood up straight and turned around slowly. It was Lance. He must have known by the change in the noise level that my family had just entered. While we were dating, he became accustomed to the stares and whispers most onlookers did when our presence graced a room.
I have no clue how I missed the fact that Lance was standing up front. And who was the woman at his side? “Hi.” Speaking to Lance like that startled him, but as he used to, he recovered quickly. A huge smile came across his face, and the woman standing next to him started to turn around to see what had caught his attention. Isaac began to move forward again and we all followed. I did not comprehend that I was moving again until I was standing right in front of Lance and the young lady. Taking his looks into inventory, it was nice to see those blue eyes of his had not changed. He looked good for thirty-three. His face had filled out a little since the last time I saw him. He had put on weight, but it seemed to be all muscle. His face was freshly shaven and I could smell his aftershave. As always his black hair was cut short, the way I liked it. I wanted so badly to wrap my arms around him, to encase myself with his scent, and to hear his heartbeat thud against the wall of his chest as I closed my eyes to listen. Not being able to hold him was heartbreaking.
The Harris family had a cover to maintain, and me as an eighteen year old girl throwing myself at a thirty-three year old man would not go to well in public. Lance of course was up for the charade. He broke eye contact with me, and he cleared his throat to start introductions. After all of us hugged-me a little longer and tighter than the rest-he turned to the young lady who looked to be in her mid-twenties.
“Maddie, this is the Harris family. Isaac, Olivia, and their children, Christopher and Amber. Everyone this is Madeline Bowing. The Harris family lived in Johnstown where I grew up.”
Madeline smiled and gave a quick nod. I quickly scanned her mind and I saw that she was clueless. Lance had not shared anything about our past or who I was. Not once had he brought up vampires in a sentence to her. I guess Lance figured he did not need to tell a family of mind readers who Madeline was or how they met.
I could not disagree with Lance’s choice in women. Madeline was younger than him by a few years. She had curly jet black hair that stopped at her shoulders. Her gray eyes went will with her cream colored skin. Standing next to Lance, it looked like she was about five foot six inches and no more than one hundred and fifteen pounds. With introductions finished, Lance stepped aside to give us a better view of his mother. I have seen dead people before-I am a vampire, there is no way around not finding a dead body or two. Although I have not seen many, by far, Mrs. Grayson looked to be the most peaceful. My family as one took a step forward and followed suit to what Lance was doing before we entered. I cannot speak for everyone else, but I did not know what to do when I leaned over the casket, so I just stood there thinking. I tried to remember all the times I went over Lance’s house while he was working or at school to help his mother clean or cook dinner. She was a very sweet woman and I knew this was hard on Lance.
We did not linger over the casket, there was a line starting to form. As we started to walk away, I felt something warm touch me. It was Lance’s hand.
He did not give me a chance to turn around. I felt his warm breath on my neck as he quietly whispered in my ear, “You’re not leaving already, are you?”
I shook my head in response.
“Good, have a seat. I want to talk to you for a little before you disappear, again.”
I doubt he meant for his last statement to sound the way it did, but his words stung. I had no need to ask my family to wait, they were all close enough to hear Lance’s request. We took a seat toward the back of the funeral home, and I watched as Lance and Madeline greeted all of those who ventured up front.
Approximately fifteen minutes went by before Lance was able to break away. He said something quietly in Madeline's ear, he then stepped away. Walking toward the back where we sat, he gave me a light nod and walked out the door we entered. I got up and followed. I moved at my slow human speed as I followed Lance’s scent. I found him sitting on the steps of the emergency exit outside. His shoulders were hunched over and his face was in his hands. I approached slowly and took a seat in the small space next to him. It felt so good to feel the warmth of his body. I wanted to touch him, but I still needed to mind my surroundings. Lance felt me sit down next to him and sat up straight. When he turned to look at me, I could see the tears on the corners of his eyes waiting to come out.
“Lance, sweetie, I’m so sorry, I...” He placed his finger over my lips. He only did that when he knew I was clueless on what to say, and I was about to start rambling. He shook his head before letting out a slow and soft breath.
“I’m sure going to miss her. I’m glad she is no longer in pain.” A small smile formed on his lips. “It is really good to see you, Amber. If you hadn’t followed through with everything you left for me in that letter, I probably would have thought you and your family were just some wild and crazy part of my imagination. Well, besides those random Christmas cards Olivia would send.”
Thinking about the holiday cards, brought a lopsided smile to his face. He shook his head again, as if to erase his memory.
“Can I ask you something?” Lance fiddled with his hands as he waited for me to respond.
I wanted so bad to read his mind to be ready for whatever questions he may have had, but instead I sat there and nodded.
“Why Amber, why did you just leave me like that? You were right. Over the years, I was able to understand what you were trying to do for me, but nothing will take away that hurt of looking up from that letter and seeing you were gone. No goodbye, no last kiss, no last hug. Hell, you could have at least told me you were about to leave with my heart. Do you know how much it hurts to have your heart ripped from your chest and then be expected to just walk away?”
I was not ready for those questions. I had all of these years to prepare for any and every question Lance could have come up with, and to this day I still could not give him the answers he was seeking. There I sat, thinking by throwing money his way, he would be able to have all his needs taken care of, so he could go on with his life and still have all his wants at no cost. I guess I underestimated that my actions would cost him as much as it did me. “You know I never meant to hurt you. Tell me, please. If I had waited while you read that letter, would you have let us part ways when the time came? Would you have gone without a fight? We both know that answer would have been ‘no’. Instead of you doing what a normal human is supposed to do, by going out into the world, living your life and having a family, you would have been stuck with me, moving around every few years. What about your mother? What wou
ld you have done if we moved and she had one of her bad days?” Pain jolted his face at the mention of his mother. Still, he knew I was right.
“I know, Amber, but to have someone like you in my life one minute and the next you’re gone, without even saying a true goodbye really hurt. For years I wondered what I did wrong. I speculated if any of it was really true. Until a few days ago, I questioned if the number you gave me was even real. Amber, I loved you, I still love you, and there isn't a day that goes by that I don’t think about you. Did you really think by you leaving, I would just completely move on? Every aspect of my life reminds me of you. My bank accounts, my cars, my rental properties, the degrees hanging on my walls. You never left me. You only left reminders of how things should have been.”
I could tell that he had wanted to say that to me for a long time. I could not be upset. He was right. I knew it would not be easy for either one of us.
“I love you too, and that is the reason why I did what I did. I didn’t ask you to forget me. I wouldn’t be sitting here if that was the case. I asked you to go on with your life, to have everything I couldn’t give you. And for that, I know one day you will forgive me for the hurt that I have caused you.” We sat in silence for a while, before I spoke again. “So tell me about Madeline, she’s very pretty.” He did not make eye contact with me, although I saw him looking at me out of the corner of his eyes. I was making him uncomfortable. “Oh, come on, Lance. You cannot sit here and not expect me to bring her up. How long have you been dating? Do you love her?” My gaze never left his face. I noticed he was trying to hold back a smile. Finally, he looked up and met my stare with his bright-blue eyes.
“Yes, I do love her. We met about four years ago. I think you would like her.”
This made me smile-well at least on the outside. I was happy to see he had someone, and that he was living his life like I wanted him too. I was just devastated on the inside because it was not me. “That’s wonderful Lance! I’m very happy that you have someone.” I swallowed hard and grabbed his hand, hoping when the time came I could let go. “Do you think she is the one?” I had to ask the question, this was a part of my plan. Lance wanted a family, a family I could not give him, hopefully Madeline would.
Lance was taken aback by my question. A crossed look came over his face.
“What’s with you? What do you mean ‘Is she the one’? Why are you so worried about some other woman? Geesh, Amber, I understand you were able to get over me quickly, but don’t…”
I stopped him before he had a chance to finish. I could see where this was about to go, and I did not want what could be our last time seeing each other to go all wrong. “Lance, please, I’m not trying to fight with you. As much as you would like to think I’m over you, I can assure you I’m not. I was only asking because I wanted to show you that it’s fine if you move on. She seems good for you, better than I could be, that was all.” I glanced at his face and saw his ears were red. I really did not mean to upset him.
“Yes, I think she is the one. I mean if I cannot have you, then she would be the one. I was thinking about asking her to marry me a few weeks ago, but mom took a turn for the worse, and I didn’t have a chance to go buy a ring.”
I put my arm around his shoulders. When we were dating, he did not like my putting my arm around him. He said he was the man and he needed to hold me, no matter if I was stronger. This time, although he did lean in and rest his head on my shoulders. It felt like the old times, his nice warm body next to mine. The only difference was, this was twelve years later, and he had someone special now in his life that was not me. That was probably the only thing that kept me from kissing him. As I was finally enjoying and becoming comfortable with Lance being in my arms, I heard someone approaching. I dropped my arm and sat up straight. Lance on the other hand did not have as fast of a reflex as I did. Madeline opened the emergency door Lance and I had come from just as Lance was finally straightening himself up. Madeline took in the scene and you could see the huge question mark stamped on her face. She gave us a lopsided frown before speaking.
“There you are. More guests have arrived and are looking for you. Also, the pastor wants to know if you would like him to say a few words tonight.”
Lance sighed and began to stand.
“Okay, I’ll be right in.”
Madeline gave us one more confused glance as she headed back in.
“All right. Please don’t take too long.”
I got to my feet too. “Yes, I guess you should be heading back in.”
“Yeah, back to the real world. Will you and your family be heading out soon?”
“I believe so. A full moon will be coming soon. I think we would all like to be in our own beds for that.”
That was more of an excuse than the truth. Vampires can sleep anywhere, but I needed something to drag me away. Lance turned to face me and brought his hands up to my face.
“Thank you, again, Amber. And not just for coming today, but for everything. I do understand and I know what you did and what you’re doing is so much harder than it looks. Hopefully one day you will have that someone too.”
With that he kissed me. It was a long hard kiss. There was fear and passion and other emotions coming from the kiss. If I was not a vampire and air was more of a need, I may have passed out from having my breath caught in my throat. When our lips finally parted, we gazed into each other’s eyes. Something passed within that moment, something that words could not define. In that instant, I wanted to pull Lance into my arms and run. I wanted to take him away from the death of his mother. I wanted to take him away from Madeline. And I wanted to take him away from the fear of the unknown. Instead, we walked back inside. He said his goodbyes to my family, hugging all of us again before taking his place back upfront next to Madeline.
No one spoke on the drive from the funeral home. My family decided to stay a few days with me, in hopes of talking me into coming back to England with them. Those few days were wonderful having my family at my side. It helped me keep what little bit of control I needed to stop me from running back to Lance. When my family became conscious of the fact that there was nothing that would make me leave the States, they sadly went back to their dwellings in England. I was sad to see them go, but I was happy to go back to living my days out in misery.
I believe I finally decided to come out of my own self-loathing about the time that I was notified that the stocks had been accessed. Lance had children. Lance’s children were old enough to go to college. It seemed like only last week he was of college age. Time moves differently for those of us who do not age, for those who are stuck in a life sentence of mortal purgatory. Still I questioned: where did all that time go? Nevertheless, Lance had fulfilled his part of the bargain, it was time for me to live my life again.
