He’d lied to her.
“I thought you were different,” she said, openly weeping. “You were kind and decent and sweet… I thought you had heart and feelings. I could see it in you. I could feel it. But now I know it was all a lie. Everything you told me was a lie. I should never have trusted you!”
He was still on his knees, his head lowered because he couldn’t look at her. He started to speak but the words wouldn’t come. He started to choke on them and with a mighty roar, he ended up on his feet, bellowing like a madman.
Everything exploded.
“It’s true,” he boomed. “I lied because I needed your help and if I had told you the truth about your father, you would have blamed me for his death. I could not take that chance, so I lied and I have never regretted anything more in my entire life. Your father’s death was an accident, Juliandra. When he was arrested by my soldiers, he fought with them so much that he fell off the horse and broke his neck. It was simply an accident, but I knew you would not believe me. I knew you would blame me. So, I lied to you.”
The anguish on her face was unfathomable and, after a moment, she flew at him, slapping him across the face so hard that his head snapped sideways.
“You… you bastard!” she sobbed. “How could you do that? How could you keep that from me when you knew… God, you knew all along and you played me for a fool!”
Kevin knew he deserved the slap and so much more. He looked at her, his eyes filled with turmoil. “It was wrong of me,” he said hoarsely. “I am completely unworthy to be your husband, but I love you so much that I cannot put it into words. Now I cannot stand this pain in my heart because I can see in your eyes that you hate me. I wish I were the one lying dead in the vault now because I cannot go on without you. I cannot… I cannot do it.”
With that, he wandered away like a drunk man, his hands on his head, muttering to himself. Juliandra watched him go, so stunned that she couldn’t even speak.
But Sean could speak. He watched his brother go, tears in his eyes and a lump in his throat. Slowly, he climbed off his horse, watching Kevin wander back across the field. He looked at Juliandra, who was watching Kevin meander aimlessly.
He could see the anguish in her face.
“My lady,” he said tightly. “I know you have not known Kevin for very long. I know that you do not know the man’s character like I do, but I will tell you this – there is no one on this earth more trustworthy or honest than my brother. In spite of your words, he is not a deceiver. The man has never lied in his life, but he lied to you because he needed you. He made a decision, right or wrong, to protect his castle and his men because he needed information he thought you could provide. Unfortunately, that decision involved deception, something that has been eating away at him since the day it happened. Your father is dead and hating my brother will not bring him back. What he did was wrong and he knows it, but do not make him pay for the rest of his life. If you feel anything for him, and I know you do, then mayhap in time you can find it in your heart to understand and forgive. He lied to a woman he had no idea he would fall in love with.”
Juliandra’s gaze was still on Kevin. “But he let me believe… he let me think…”
Sean cut her off. “Aye, he did,” he said. “But it was only because the more time passed, the more difficult it was to tell you. He backed himself into a corner and did not know how to get out of it. He loves you. Juliandra… I have been around the two of you for the past two days. I have seen what you mean to each other.”
A sob escaped her lips. “I… I thought we did. I was so happy. But it is all a lie.”
Sean shook his head. “Kevin’s love for you is not a lie, I promise. Nor is yours for him. You must have faith in that love.”
“I do not know if I can.”
“Let that love heal you both, Juliandra. Please.”
Juliandra blinked and the tears spilled over. As Sean watched, she mouthed his brother’s name, watching him as he continued to head back to Wybren. For a moment, he thought she might actually follow him. He thought she might call to him. But in the end, she couldn’t do it.
Sobbing, she turned away and headed back across the field.
Heartbroken for his brother, Sean made the decision to follow her simply to make sure she didn’t run into any trouble. He followed her to a road on the other side of the field that headed north, and he listened to her sobs echo off the trees as she walked. It was the worst thing he’d ever heard. She continued to walk, and he continued to follow at a respectful distance until they came to a small village.
By this time, Juliandra was exhausted and staggering, but she made her way to a large manse surrounded by a wall covered in thorny vines. Sean reined his horse to a halt, watching as the old iron gate opened for her and she went into the yard beyond.
Suspecting she was home, and safe for the moment, Sean remained a few minutes longer just to make sure. Through the iron gate, he could see her standing inside the courtyard of the manse, wandering over to what looked like a small garden and sitting heavily on a stone bench. He watched her put her face in her hands.
After that, there was nothing more he could do.
Turning the horse around, he headed back to Wybren.
He had a brother he needed to find.
“He is in a bad way,” Alexander said quietly. “What in the hell happened, Sean?”
Sean was standing in the doorway of the solar in the keep of Wybren, watching his brother literally drink cup after cup of that strong pear cider. He was downing cup after cup of it as Sean, Alexander, and Gareth stood and watched.
No one was sure what to do.
All anyone knew was that Lady de Lara had run off, but after putting the pieces of the puzzle together, the knights that knew about the situation with the lady’s father figured out that she had gone into the vault below the keep, hunting for provisions, and had found the body of her father in one of the small vault chambers.
Whispers of Lady de Lara’s hysterical flight were flying around.
Sean grunted at the sight of his despondent brother. “God,” he muttered. “We need to get that drink away from him before he kills himself.”
Alexander didn’t say anything. He was looking at Sean, who felt his stare. When Sean looked at him, he realized the man deserved some kind of explanation so he pushed him away from the door so Kevin wouldn’t hear him.
“As we suspected, the lady found her father in the vault,” he said quietly. “It was an ugly scene, Sherry. She was screaming at him as he begged forgiveness. I spoke with her a little, as much as she would allow, but I am worried about Kevin more than I am worried about her.”
Alexander sighed heavily at the turn of events. “Where is she?”
“I followed her home, so she is safe for the moment.”
Alexander nodded, feeling a great deal of sorrow for the situation. “Truly tragic,” he muttered. “They seemed so happy.”
“I know.”
“Is there anything I can do?”
Sean pointed in the general direction of the outer bailey. “Wherever Gareth and Bannon are, find them and tell them what has happened,” he said. “Tell them that Gareth has the command until further notice. I am going to try to keep my brother from killing himself, but when you are finished, return to me.”
Alexander nodded. “I will.”
“And try to quell the rumors that are flying around. I am sure people are talking.”
Alexander simply rolled his eyes and headed from the keep. As he stepped out into the sunshine beyond, Sean went into the solar.
Kevin was almost finished with an entire pitcher of the potent pear cider. He was sitting in a leather-bound chair, facing the lancet windows that overlooked the inner bailey and the outer bailey beyond. The noise and the dust from the baileys floated in through the windows as Sean faced his brother.
“Kevin,” he said. “I spoke to Juliandra after you left. You must stop drinking or you will not understand what I am about to
tell you.”
Kevin was staring at the window. “I was just thinking.”
“About what?”
“About how I have become what I have judged all of these years.”
“What do you mean?”
He looked at his brother, the dark blue eyes swirling with mayhem. “I have become a liar, a deceiver, and a cheat, all in the name of my own personal goals,” he said. “I have finally become a true Executioner Knight. The darkness has touched me.”
Sean pulled up a chair. “You know that is not what the Executioner Knights stand for,” he said. “You have been one for many years.”
“Fifteen.”
“And you know that the Executioner Knights are not simply liars, deceivers, and cheats. That is unfair.”
Kevin’s expression hardened and he took a big gulp of the cider. “Nay, we are not simply liars and cheats,” he said. “But we are spies. Spies are, by nature, liars. Pretending to be something they are not. Mayhap that is where I failed… pretending to be something I am not.”
“What is that?”
“A knight who has no business in a position of power,” he said. “I am better when I am following orders. I can command the greatest armies in the world and go to battle better than almost any man alive, but politics – and making decisions that I have told myself are for a common good – is where I have failed. I tried to be something that I am not and it has cost me everything. I do not belong here, Sean. Let me go back to Lansdown with you and command your armies. I would be better served.”
Sean listened to that confession with some heartbreak. “Kevin, you are a man who should be in a position of power,” he said. “Your goals and ethics are noble. Look at what you a have done for Wybren since you have arrived – you have provided steady income for the poor and you have dispensed justice. That is great and noble.”
Kevin shook his head, looking away. “It was the weak failings of a fool,” he said. “What you have done with your life, Sean – that was noble. I never told you that and I should have. You risked your life every day for nine long years. You gave advice to a king – a king, Sean. Not every man can say that. You are greater than I can ever hope to be. I just… I just want to go back to what I was. I want to forget I ever came to Wybren and tried to be something I am not.”
“You will never be what you were again,” Sean said softly. “You have a wife now. You have been touched by love. That changes a man forever, Kevin.”
Kevin turned his head even further away, but Sean could still see the tears starting to stream from his eyes.
“I have a wife who hates me,” he said hoarsely. “Truth be told, I hate myself. I do not blame her.”
“Oh… Keev,” Sean murmured with sadness. “She does not hate you. I spoke with her after you wandered away. She is simply hurt, but I believe she will forgive you in time. She loves you, you know.”
Kevin sniffed, wiping at his leaking face. “Mayhap she did,” he said. “But I’m sure she does not any longer.”
Sean leaned forward in his chair. “You will never know unless you ask her,” he said. “I escorted her home but I believe you should go to her. Talk to her. Do not let this fester between you. The longer you do, the more chance there is that she may harden herself. Do not let her think terrible things about you.”
“Why not?” Kevin suddenly turned to look at him, more tears on his face. “They are all true. She has every right to think it.”
“And you are just going to leave it like that?”
Kevin stared at him a moment before turning away. He completely forewent the cup of cider and grabbed the pitcher, drinking directly from it.
“I cannot face her.”
“Do you want her?”
“Of course I want her. But I do not deserve her.”
Sean had enough. He stood up, grabbing the arms of the chair his brother was sitting in and spinning it around so that he was facing him. The pitcher of cider flew out of Kevin’s hands as he found himself facing his angry brother.
For a brief moment, the deadly Lord of the Shadows flashed in Sean’s expression.
“Cease the self-pity, Kevin,” he hissed. “It does not become you. You are a seasoned knight, a veteran of King John’s wars, and a de Lara. You are not some foolish weakling that succumbs to self-doubt. I have seen you rip the throat out of a man in battle for cursing the de Lara name and I have seen you kill, easily and steadily, all in the name of the right and true cause, so cease this idiocy. I have had enough of it. You are the Lord of the Trilaterals and you are my brother. That makes you better than almost every man in England. Do you understand me?”
Kevin was torn between despair and defiance. “You do not understand.”
That only made Sean angrier. “What don’t I understand?” he said. “That you made a decision that could cost you something dear? Shut your foolish mouth, boy. I made a decision eleven years ago to become the trained dog of a hated king. It cost me my brother for several years, but he came back to me because he loved me. Difficult decisions are sometimes made, but you make them because you feel they are necessary for the greater good. That is what you did and now you are suffering the consequences. You knew there would be consequences, so stop behaving as if this is all surprising. I thought you had more courage than that, but mayhap I was wrong. Was I wrong, Kevin?”
Kevin was staring up at him, suddenly not so drunk. Not one thing Sean said wasn’t true. It was a verbal lashing that had an effect on him and he took a deep breath, digesting every word his brother had just said.
They made sense.
They were true.
There was a time when Sean had made decisions that had cost him far more than the one Kevin had made. Suddenly, Kevin felt like a fool.
“Nay,” he said, swallowing hard. “You were not wrong.”
Sean’s furious gaze lingered on him a moment before he let go of the chair and stood back. “Good,” he said. “You said once that you want what Dani and I have. I think you have a chance for it, but if you truly want it, then you are going to have to fight for it. Go to her, Kevin, and take her father with you.”
It was everything Kevin needed to hear. He was looking at it from one perspective. Sean was looking at it from another. He’d let his thoughts of failure consume him when he should have been looking at how to fix the problem.
He’d let his fears run away with him.
It took a verbal slap from his brother for him to realize it.
“Very well,” he said, wiping off his face and running his fingers through his hair, struggling to regain his composure. “Sean… I am sorry if I disappointed you. This is all so new to me and I’ve never been very good at controlling my emotions, as you know. I never learned to harden myself like most men have.”
Sean began to ease up, now feeling badly that he’d yelled at his brother the way he had, but he didn’t regret it. It had brought about the desired effect.
“That is what makes you so special, Keev,” he said. “You are a man of great and deep feelings. No one faults you that. But you cannot let them consume you. Above all things, you must do what is necessary, regardless of what you are feeling. Right now, it is necessary to go and speak with your wife.”
Kevin stood up, looking at his brother and sighing heavily. “I do not know what I would do without you,” he finally said. “For your assistance… I thank you.”
Sean smiled faintly, putting his hand on Kevin’s shoulder. “You are my brother,” he said. “I would do anything for you.”
“And I am grateful. But there is something you should know.”
“What is that?”
Kevin paused before continuing. “If Juliandra will not forgive me, then I will not return to Wybren,” he said quietly. “I do not think that is being weak. I will never be able to heal if constantly surrounded by… memories.”
Sean understood. “Then return to Trelystan if it pleases you. Leave de Llion here to command. He knows the land.”
Kevin
took a deep breath, perhaps one for courage with what he was about to face. “I do not know if I can even go back to Trelystan,” he said. “If my wife will not forgive me, I may have to leave the Marches altogether.”
Sean could hear the pain in his voice as he spoke. “You will not run, Kevin.”
But Kevin shook his head. “Not running,” he said. “I will return, at some point. I hope. Every man must do what he feels right for himself, Sean. Much like you, I have spent the past twenty years losing myself in a career that has become part of my blood. I’ve not had a rest in all that time. I think I may need… to rest.”
Sean could wholly commiserate with him on that. As Executioner Knights, they had constantly been on duty, at William Marshal’s beck and call, because the needs of the country were more important than the needs of the few. It was rare when any of them got away from it. He squeezed the man’s shoulder and dropped his hand.
“Understood,” he said softly. “Do you want me to go with you?”
Kevin shrugged. “If you can help me with Gethin’s corpse, I would be grateful,” he said. “But the rest… I will do on my own.”
Sean understood. “I’ll have a wagon brought around to the keep and we can bring the body up from the vault.”
Kevin nodded and turned for the door, but he was drunk from slamming back all of that pear cider and wasn’t walking very well. He tipped into Sean and Sean snorted, putting his hands on Kevin to steady him as they headed from the solar.
Within the hour, Kevin, Sean, Alexander, and William were heading out to The Neath under calm and blue skies.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
He ended up at The Neath.
Despondent and tormented after being chased away from Wybren, Aeron ended up at The Neath because he couldn’t think of anywhere else to go. Not even his own home appealed to him. While Glynn had fled with his men back to his stronghold, Adan had tried to follow Aeron, trying to force him to return to Llanwyffyn. He even promised him Lilia’s comfort for the night, but Aeron wouldn’t go. He didn’t want that cow named Lilia.
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