His lips quirked up in a smile. “True enough, Your Highness.”
Avery took up his position beside Williamson outside the door, and I said good night to the two of them, going into the room quietly and waking the nursemaid, who was sound asleep in the rocking chair. She left and I peered in on Fae, sound asleep.
Warmth filled my chest as I gazed down at my sleeping daughter. Rumpelstiltskin was a blight upon this world, that was true. But there was still so very much in it that was good. She was so beautiful.
“We did a good job, Luka,” I whispered to the room. Maybe it was just that I’d seen a stranger who looked so much like him today, but somehow, I couldn’t help but feel as though he was with us tonight.
I changed into pajamas and pulled the covers aside to climb into bed, sliding into the cool and comfortable sheets.
When I closed my eyes, for the first time in days, I drifted off to sleep effortlessly.
And in my dreams, Luka greeted me, two champagne flutes in hand. I glided into his arms, taking my glass and toasting him. He smiled, returning the gesture. Music began to play, and he took the glass from my hand and set it aside, crooking an arm around my waist, and taking my hand to lead me around the room in a dance.
My brow crinkled. This tune was familiar. Where had I heard it before?
It clicked—the stranger’s song when he’d stumbled through the woods. That was the melody that the violins played now.
“Remember,” Luka breathed into my ear. His arms were strong around my body and his breath was warm upon my ear. I closed my eyes, aching, even in a dream, knowing that this wouldn’t last.
“A promise,” he said, “is a promise.”
4
8th May
Luka’s words in my dream echoed in my mind the next morning when I woke up. My eyes fluttered open with a gasp as I stared at the ceiling, heart pounding and unable to catch my breath. It was as though I’d either had a terrible nightmare or as if I’d run for miles. Not as if I’d just had a gentle and comforting dream about my late husband.
The light in my rooms was dim. As I tried to regain a normal breathing rhythm, I peered toward the curtain. It was an hour of the morning where the sky still clung to the night, though the sun slowly rose, doing its best to banish its darkness. It would succeed. But it couldn’t banish the memories of the dream I’d had. And was it terrible that part of me wished that I could sink right back into it? It had felt so real.
“Remember,” Dream Luka had said. “A promise is a promise.”
Awake now, my hand drifted up to my ear, where he’d breathed the words. Gods, I’d been able to feel his breath on my skin last night. I’d forgotten what that felt like. And now, I missed it all over again.
Dreams were confusing, though—and damn my own subconscious for making it so. “A promise is a promise.” Huh? What did that mean? I turned the words over and over again in my mind. Was he referring to our marriage vows?
I searched for another meaning, racking my brain and raking through my memories for anything else that he could have meant—really, that I could have meant. The dream had, after all, come from my own brain. But despite as hard as I tried, I came up empty-handed, drawing a blank over other meanings.
So my thoughts turned then to our marriage vows. Luka and I had written our own vows when we’d wed. We’d foregone the traditional language at our ceremony, dismissing royal tradition. I had to give my mother credit for that; maybe it was because she hadn’t grown up in the tradition of the royals, but she hadn’t really fought me on those decisions. All she’d cared about when I decided to get married was that I was happy. And I most certainly had been.
Luka had made me so happy. We had made each other so happy. The feeling of ecstasy on my wedding day was like my heart had turned into a fluttering bird
When it came time to declare our intention to marry each other, I’d given him a deeply impassioned speech and meant every word that I said. I hadn’t promised to love him until death did us part like the old vows would have had me do. That time wasn’t enough for me.
If only I had known what a small amount of time we would really get together. I would have spirited him away from this place.
But instead of death parting us, I had promised to love Luka forever.
My fists clenched the sheets of my bed, remembering as my heart twisted. And I had meant every word of those vows. I wanted to love him forever. I still did.
But call it what you will—fate or destiny… the hands of the gods—it didn’t really matter what you called it. Because the decision for us to be together had been ripped away when they had taken Luka from this world into the next and left me here.
I could and would love him forever, but except for in dreams, I’d never again feel his touch. Never feel the returned kiss or embrace that was him loving me forever right back.
Fae’s cry tore through the peace of the early morning and I sighed as my daughter’s wails interrupted my reverie. It was a rare occasion, indeed, that I woke up on my own before my little princess woke me up. I supposed I should be thankful I’d had as long alone with my thoughts as I had. But I wouldn’t lie; I welcomed the distraction that tending to my motherly duties would provide. Last night’s dream was taking its toll on me emotionally. My throat was tight and tears kept threatening when I dwelled upon it.
I turned the covers aside, stepping first one foot and then the other onto the warm rug. My feet slipped into the slippers that I’d left at my bedside, and I pulled on a robe that was draped over the chair next to my bed, knotting it around my waist before I shuffled over to Fae’s bassinet.
She was on her back, her little face scrunched up and growing red as she wailed her dissatisfaction to the heavens above. I knew the feeling, but it would be pretty frowned upon for me to scream my dissatisfaction the same way at my age. I’d let her announce our indignation to the world for the both of us.
Her tiny fists were knotted, and from the way her knees bent slightly toward her chest, I was willing to bet that inside the onesie that hid her feet, her little toes were much the same way.
“Shhh, Little One,” I hushed, reaching inside and scooping her up from where she’d slept. Her weight in my arms was a comfort after a morning of sad thoughts of loss. At least I had this precious gift from the gods.
I felt her diaper. Yes, it was as I’d thought it was: wet. It was swollen with liquid and hanging low. No wonder she was so unhappy. Who wouldn’t be?
I kept humming and making little soothing noises as I placed Fae onto the changing table, swiftly removing her soiled diaper and disposing of it. I grabbed a diaper wipe, baby powder, and some cream to prevent a rash and fixed her up in a fresh, clean diaper. Her cries had quieted somewhat with this improved situation, but she hadn’t stopped crying entirely yet. I wasn’t altogether surprised. After being her mother for a few weeks, I was coming to know my daughter. The girl liked her food. She woke up hungry, so if she was still crying this early it was because she needed breakfast.
I settled down into the rocker, moving my robe to the side and unbuttoning my pajama top so that she could suckle at my breast—which she did eagerly.
Breastfeeding had hurt a bit at first. It was an entirely new and unexpected feeling. But now, it felt like the most natural thing in the world. And with my world falling apart at the seams around me, I was grateful for this constant. For the peace that came with it. I relished these moments bonding with my daughter where I could simply hold her in my arms, her eyes fixed on me.
Luka’s eyes.
Damn it. Just like that, my thoughts circled back around to him. Thoughts swirling, I closed my eyes and inclined my neck, leaning a little closer to Fae so that I could take a deep, comforting whiff of her little baby smell: baby powder, lotion, and something different. Something that was all uniquely Fae.
But just as changing Fae’s diaper hadn’t been enough to stop her cries, this peaceful time with my daughter had helped to soothe me—but not enough
. Try as I might, I couldn’t shake the thought of Luka today. I didn’t think of him as often as I used to. When he’d first passed, I couldn’t take a breath without it feeling like a painful reminder that I lived while he did not. Breathing had eased as time went by; I no longer felt like my windpipe was in danger of collapsing with each passing heartbeat.
They said grief came in waves. Well they were right, and today, I was drowning. Because today, I couldn’t rid myself of the specter of Luka; he was here with me, like a shadow peeking over my shoulder and watching all that I did.
And some of the things I was doing lately… the thoughts that I was having… they made me feel guilty. The idea that Luka might see them bothered me. What if he was really here? His spirit, anyway. If any form of him still wandered the earth and watched over me, I didn’t like to think of what he’d seen lately when he’d looked in on me. There were times that my thoughts were written clearly upon my face, I was sure. And I didn’t want Luka reading those thoughts. Because they weren’t the thoughts of a married woman.
They were thoughts about Jay. About moving on with him, without Luka.
I wasn’t sure that I was doing the right thing by starting something with Jay now. I gulped. And forget just the thoughts I was having… could I be with Jay with thoughts of Luka still filling my mind? Could I kiss Jay and hold him and let it one day turn into something more? My time to decide against it was ending. Because I knew, I knew that if I chose to go down this path with Jay, it would all start at Fae’s ball. That was in what—a week? And if I went there with Jay at that party, there would be no turning back. No saving our friendship from that.
And if I went there with Jay at that party—what would Luka, watching over me from up above with the gods—what would he think of me then?
“Your Highness.” A swift three taps came at my door and I started, shaking myself from my thoughts.
At some point during my reverie, Fae had stopped suckling at my breast, closed the eyes that looked so much like her father’s, and drifted off back to sleep in my arms. Gently, I stood back up and placed her back in her bassinet. I guessed she wasn’t ready to be up for the day after all.
I tiptoed out of the bedroom and gently closed the door behind me, cringing even at the sound of the lock clicking into place. I leaned against the door, sighing. With everything I’d turned over in my mind already today, I couldn’t believe it wasn’t later in the day already. Still, no matter what hour it truly was, I wasn’t one to look a gift horse in the mouth. If Fae wanted more sleep, I was definitely happy to oblige.
The taps at the door came again and this time Avery sounded concerned that I had yet to answer them. “My lady?” he called again. “Is everything all right in there?”
“I’m coming,” I called softly. I kept my volume low, not wanting the sound to travel behind me into Fae’s room and wake her.
“Mister—”
A muffled conversation outside the door. “Just Jay, Avery.” Jay’s voice, low, nonetheless traveled through the doors to easily reach my ears.
My heart leapt from its normal spot in my chest up to my throat and then plummeted back to my stomach.
And then a corrected announcement came from Williamson, coughing. “Jay is here, Your Highness.”
My footsteps had already paused in their route to opening the door. Jay.
Damn. Damn, damn, damn.
I was not prepared to see him today. Not with all of these thoughts about Luka. I needed time. Time to go through them and sort them out. I couldn’t see him when I wasn’t sure I was doing the right thing by seeing him and starting something up with him. Our date at the party loomed closer every day and today it wasn’t like a bright light in the future; it was like a black cloud hovering over me.
But what was I supposed to do? I hadn’t gone to him. He had come to me. And now… well, I couldn’t leave him just standing out there in the hallway for the rest of the day.
Could I?
I shook my head, banishing the notion. No. No, I couldn’t do that. I was an adult, a mother. And adults did not ignore their problems. Or leave them standing in the hallway.
I took a deep breath and shook my hands out, bouncing on my heels. Okay. Okay, okay. I could do this. I could make a plan. I would let him in and I’d get him out before I ruined everything. I’d say anything—I wasn’t feeling well, I was overtired. Something that would involve a brief conversation, but not last too long before he left again.
That way, whatever I decided, whatever I wanted to do, it would buy me time to actually make a decision.
Why was Luka in my thoughts so much today, anyway?
I could only assume it was because of the stranger I’d met yesterday by the river. The Good Samaritan who had looked so much like my dead husband and then disappeared.
But it wasn’t Luka. There would never be another one.
Had he even actually looked like him? I rubbed my temples. I mean, Jay hadn’t said anything. Maybe it had all been in my head?
But regardless of whether he had or not, the effect of his sudden appearance and disappearance was the same. And that effect was that today, I felt like I had lost Luka all over again.
And I had to wonder at that sudden disappearance.
I was grateful that the man had helped us and the unicorns under the dire circumstances that we’d been in; but if I had been in his position, I don’t think you’d have been able to pull me away if you’d tried. I’d have needed to see the situation through to the end. I wouldn’t have been able to pull my gaze away from the sight that I’d stumbled upon.
But not him. He had just… vanished. As if into thin air.
Another knock, rapping on the door loudly. “Eliana?”
That was Jay’s voice this time. There was no point putting this off any longer. I had to face him.
I opened the door and forced a smile onto my face. “Sorry,” I apologized, tucking a stray piece of hair behind my ear. “I was just… getting Fae back down. She wasn’t quite ready to get on with the day.”
And neither was her mother, I finished silently.
A relaxed smile in return to my own forced one bloomed across Jay’s face when he saw me, lighting up his eyes. My heart twisted in my chest in response. Gods, I wished I could be as happy to see him as I usually was. I wished the smile on my face felt real and genuine, instead of me feeling like I was operating my body like a puppet. I might as well have stuck my fingers into the corners of my lips and pushed them up toward my cheeks. It felt painted on.
“Hey,” Jay greeted me from his position leaning against the wall. He had one leg up like a flamingo as he waited. He pushed forward off the wall and strode toward me, walking into the room. He flipped Avery and Williamson a little salute of farewell as the door shut behind him. He kept striding toward me and gathered me up into his arms in a loose embrace without hesitation.
My body went rigid at his touch. I didn’t know what to do.
Yesterday, I would have returned the embrace without hesitation and would have done so fiercely. But today, I was just trying to hang on to my sanity.
“What an exhausting day,” he breathed. I took a shaky breath. Just like Luka in my dreams last night, I could feel Jay’s breath on my ear when he spoke. His arms tightened. “And you were the only person I wanted to see at the end of it. Well, you and Fae. But I settled for waiting until I thought you’d at least be awake.”
Gingerly, I returned his embrace, patting him tentatively on his back. He released me and stood back, grinning.
“So how’d I do?” He spread his arms wide and quirked an eyebrow. “Do I get any points for restraint? I managed to wait until the sun came up and everything!”
“I’m so proud,” I croaked, going for a normal response even though my throat was dry.
He ruffled the hair at the back of his head. “So, Fae’s asleep, huh? I guess it is pretty early. I always feel like I just miss her.” He tilted his head toward me with a smile. “And I am missing
her, you know.”
“I know,” I said softly.
It would hurt him so badly if I called things off. Told him just when I’d been making steps toward him that I was no longer sure about this whole thing. Because it wasn’t just me that Jay loved. I’d seen it in his eyes whenever he saw Fae. He’d fallen in love with my daughter as well.
And that was a whole other thing. I was already worried that I was betraying Luka by moving on myself. Would it be an even greater betrayal if I brought another father figure into Fae’s life?
I’d been so determined to do things on my own at the beginning. Maybe that was what I still should do. Perhaps that would be the best way for me to honor Luka’s memory.
“So, how are the unicorns?” I asked, changing the subject. I couldn’t bear to hear any more about how Jay had missed me or my daughter.
Instead of sitting next to him on the couch, as I usually would, where I would be able to brush my leg against his and feel a little thrill just from that slight touch, I settled down in a chair and gestured for him to sit across from me on the couch. I crossed my ankles and folded my hands in my lap. I was trying to look relaxed, but was sure that, instead, I looked like I was trying to pose for a painting. It was hard to act relaxed; I wasn’t entirely sure what my body language should be because when I was actually relaxed, I never really had to think about it.
“Good.” He shook his head in disbelief as he settled down. “Great, actually. I couldn’t really believe it. I knew they healed quickly, but since they weren’t actually physically injured, they were chomping at the bit to get free of the stalls.”
“They weren’t physically injured?” I thought back to that afternoon where Jay and I had gone searching for the flock with Zacarina—and spotted unicorn blood. “What about the blood we saw?”
He shook his head again. “I can only assume the wounds were days old and minor—I’m telling you, we checked them all over for injuries and we came up empty-handed; not even a scar for us to tell which of the unicorns had been hurt. By all indications, they’re in perfect health. And since they had clearly grown weary of our hospitality, about breaking down the stall doors, they’re back in the meadow already.”
Eliana: Remembering Rumpelstiltskin (Kingdom of Fairytales Boxset Book 5) Page 19
