by Bella Jewel
“You made a promise, Tanner,” Tatum adds, his voice rough. “I tell you where he is, and you don’t fuckin’ rip his throat out. Startin’ to think I can’t trust your word.”
Tanner’s head whips up. “Oh, like I can fuckin’ trust yours? I think we’re in the same boat, you’re just goin’ to have to believe in the person I am. God knows I can’t believe in the person you are.”
“He’s my fuckin’ brother,” Tatum hisses. “Would you have no done the same for Celia? If she fucked up.”
“Not if she fucked up like that,” Tanner barks.
Everyone in the diner stops eating and glances over at our table.
“Bullshit, you would have helped her, no matter what, yet you expect me to do no differently.”
“You could have helped him without fuckin’ betrayin’ everyone you love and letting an innocent girl go down for something that wasn’t entirely her fault.”
Oh, god.
Did he just call me an innocent girl?
My heart flutters, and I’m stunned, completely stunned.
“Like you can fuckin’ talk,” Tatum yells. “Don’t take the moral fuckin’ high ground here, Tanner. You tormented that girl; I didn’t force you to. You made that choice and yeah, I fuckin’ went along with it, because she meant fuck-all to me and Chase means everything, so I chose her to take it. I regret that now, but you don’t get to fuckin’ act like you’re any better than I am.”
Oh, god.
“That’s enough,” Ethan snaps, shaking his head. “We’re in a diner, people are watching. How long are you all going to go on about this for? Every one of us fucked up. Every single person at this table has made a mistake at one point or another, we just made a bigger one than most. You want to throw around who is worse? Do it somewhere else. We all let down people we love, for fuck’s sake. Grow the hell up.”
He stands and walks out, slamming the diner door so the bell clatters for far too long, sending a chiming sound through the diner for a few minutes. I glance at Jo, and she’s staring at Tatum, her face holding an expression I can’t quite figure out. I’m not sure if she likes him, hates him, or if she feels sorry for him. I guess I understand that. No matter what Tanner has done, my heart still aches when he speaks, my palms still sweat when he’s close, and my body still prickles when he touches me.
It’s hard, very fucking hard, to let go of those things.
“Okay,” I say, standing. “I think it’s time we get going.”
I turn and walk toward the door, but Tatum’s voice stops me. “Callie?”
I look back at him.
“It’s worth nothing, nothing at all, I know that, but I am sorry. For what little it matters, I am so fuckin’ sorry. You didn’t deserve what we did to you. I get that now more than ever.”
I swallow and hold his eyes.
It takes a lot, a fucking lot, to admit something like that. He doesn’t owe me anything, just as I don’t owe him anything, and yet hearing that ... It means the damn world. It helps, it really does help.
“Thank you,” I whisper, my throat tight. “I appreciate it.”
Then I walk outside, feeling like a tiny weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I came on this trip wanting to hate them all, but slowly I’m realizing that we all have our own demons and our own mistakes. Ethan is right about that, none of us are perfect, none of us are doing right all the time. Hell, we’re all fucked up in our own ways.
I appreciate Tatum’s willingness to apologize for something like that.
I can’t help but wish Tanner would do the same. Maybe then I’d have an excuse to feel the way I’m feeling, maybe then I wouldn’t feel so guilty about the way he still affects me. I exhale and walk over to the truck, climbing in. Ethan is sitting in the back, and his eyes fall on mine when I get in.
“How long are you going to avoid me, Callie?” he asks, his voice tired. “You can talk to Tanner, but you can’t talk to me. You can’t give me the fuckin’ chance to make this better with you?”
I hold his eyes. “You got me through the worst moments of my life. You held me up when I honestly thought I couldn’t keep going. I have feelings for Tanner, I won’t deny that, but I don’t know him the way I know you. It hurts me what he did, but it fucking kills me what you did.”
Ethan shakes his head, frustrated. “I fucked up once, Callie. I stopped then. I gave up my whole fuckin’ family to protect you. I pushed them all aside so I could keep you safe. I didn’t want to be part of their fuckin’ plan but you can’t see that, can you? You can’t see that you were the only fuckin’ family I have left and now I don’t even have that.”
He opens the truck door and gets out.
“Ethan!” I call, but he slams the door without answering.
He goes and gets in Tatum’s car.
My heart aches.
Dammit.
I’m messing this up.
Every step I take, it’s getting more and more complicated.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
I don’t know who to love and who to hate.
I don’t know who I’m allowed to be disappointed in and who I’m not.
I’m so lost.
So damn lost.
“TELL ME ABOUT ETHAN,” I say to Tanner a few hours into our overly silent trip.
“Ethan?” he questions, his voice rough.
“Yes, Ethan. I want to know about him, about how you two became so close. I want to know everything.”
Tanner shakes his head. “That’s not my story to tell. You got issues with Ethan, you need to take them up with him.”
“I’m asking you,” I snap.
“I don’t feel like fuckin’ talkin’ about Ethan!” he growls. “Now let it go.”
“Why?” I push. “Because you fucked up with him, too? What is it you’re so afraid of, Tanner? That I’m going to eventually get the whole story, every gritty detail?”
“No,” he mutters, “I just don’t want to talk about him with you. You and Ethan can go have your own little fuckin’ thing somewhere else.”
What?
What is he talking about?
“Ethan and I were friends, nothing more. But he saved me in that place, which you would know if you ever stopped to ask. In fact, you would know a lot if you ever took the chance to hear my side of the story. Do you have any idea what it was like in there for me?”
“You know what, Callie?” he roars, his hands clenching around the wheel. “I don’t fuckin’ care. I don’t fuckin’ care about you or anything. Shut the fuck up.”
His voice raises so high I flinch.
I’m stunned.
Shocked.
Confused.
He pulls the truck over, and images of yesterday’s little drama come flashing through my mind. He turns to me when the car has stopped and barks, “Get the fuck out of my car. Ride with Tatum.”
“Tanner ...” I say, genuinely confused.
“I’m sick of listening to your poor me shit, you want to hate all of us, go the fuck ahead. You’re not the only one suffering, but you don’t give a fuck about that. It’s only you. Get out of my fuckin’ truck!”
He yells it so loudly, I unbuckle my seatbelt quickly and climb out, feeling like I’ve been punched in the chest. I walk over to Tatum’s truck silently and open the back door, saying to Garrett in a hushed voice, “Ride with Tanner.”
He gets out without question and goes to Tanner’s truck, climbing in. I get in the back with Jo, and when her eyes meet mine, they’re concerned. She mouths ‘What happened?’ but I shake my head.
I don’t want to talk about it.
Tatum takes off and we get back on the road.
“Are you okay?” Jo asks softly when we’ve been driving in silence for a few minutes.
“No,” I whisper. “No, I’m not.”
“What happened?”
“I asked him about—” I glance at Ethan and nod, then continue “—and he lost it at me. He just lost it. He said he do
esn’t want to talk about him, and I made the mistake of mentioning how things were for me in prison and he just lost it. He said not everything is about me and then pulled over and told me to get out.”
Jo nods, as if she knows exactly what is going on. “I don’t think he’s taking all of this as well as you think he is,” she says softly, so the guys can’t hear.
“I know that but—”
Jo puts a hand up, not in a rude manner, just to get me to stop. “Listen, I love you, so much, but this goes a lot deeper than we first thought. It’s not just about us and our anger anymore. The last few days I’ve spent in this car, listening to Tatum talk, listening to Ethan, I realize that they’ve been through a lot too. So much more than we probably realized. Everyone is hurting here right now. Everyone is worried about someone, or something, and I think we all need to stop and be considerate of what the other person is feeling.”
“I feel like I’m being punished for being hurt about what they did,” I say, softly.
“You’re not, because you have every right to be hurt about what they did. It was wrong, on so many levels. When this is done, you never have to see any of them again. All I’m saying is that everyone is really struggling, so on this trip, I think we just need to put it behind us because it’s not going to get easier and we need to be able to stick together.”
“You think I should apologize to Tanner?”
“No.” She shakes her head. “I just think you need to be aware that he’s processing a lot right now, and even though what he did to you was horrendous, I think he truly believed that he had a reason to do it, now he’s coming to the understanding that he was wrong, and everything he believed was wrong and he’s feeling all of it. Just give him space.”
I nod, giving her a weak smile.
She’s right, I know she’s right.
Why am I finding it so hard to let go? So hard to look past what they did and try to understand that they’re all suffering too. I’m struggling with accepting that, and it’s making me feel like a really bad person because I know everyone is dealing with their own demons right now.
I exhale.
I just wish this would get easier.
But Jo is right, it’s only going to get harder.
So much fucking harder.
I’m not sure I’m ready for it.
14
We’ve got only one more day of driving left before we find ourselves in Chase’s city. Tatum has been trying to contact him but knows where he’s living so we’re going to start there. I guess the chance of Chase nothing being there is high, Tatum is right, he’s probably freaking out. No doubt worried about what is coming for him. I can’t say I blame him, Chase has a lot to answer for, so many questions he has to face up to.
Then he has to face up to Tanner, to me, and possibly to the police.
Chase’s life is about to be turned upside down.
I can’t feel sorry for him, though.
He needs to own up to what he did. To what happened to Celia.
He needs to face it.
All of it.
I haven’t spoken to Tanner since he kicked me out of his car two days ago. We’ve all just been driving, sleeping, driving, and sleeping. Nobody has anything to say, we’re all scarily quiet, no doubt lost in our own thoughts.
I’m riding with Tanner again today, because Jo wanted to have a nap on the backseat of Tatum’s car. Ethan and I are back with Tanner, and of course everything is quiet. Nobody is speaking. Nobody is dealing with anything. Everyone is just letting things burn inside them until we’re all going to combust and cause chaos wherever we go.
I glance back at Ethan who is sleeping soundly on the backseat, his hands tucked under his head. Not only is he barely talking to me, but I actually feel like I want to sort things out with him. I want all of this to go away, yet my stubborn side is stopping me from taking that step.
Still, I can’t handle the silence with Tanner anymore.
We have so many unspoken words between us, and we really need to start getting them out of the way. Jo is right, we might never see each other again after this trip. Would we be truly okay with the words that have passed between us thus far being enough? I don’t think so.
“Are we going to sit in silence forever?” I dare to ask, my voice hesitant. I don’t want to make him angry, yet at the same time I can’t sit like this anymore.
“Yes,” he growls, eyes on the road.
We’re slowing down coming into a city, so I know we’ll stop for a break soon and I know he’ll get out, ignore me, and we’ll be back to square one, so this is the only chance I have of actually getting somewhere.
“Look, I know you hate me, Tanner, but ...”
“Stop, Callie,” he warns. “I’m not in the mood.”
“I understand that, I really do, but we can’t go on like this forever.”
“What is it you want from me?” he barks, making Ethan jerk on the back seat. “For us to be fuckin’ friends? Did you forget what I did to you? Did you forget that I fuckin’ wanted you to pay? Did you forget that I set your whole fuckin’ life up to be a lie?”
“No, I did not forget,” I snap back. “But I also know that one minute you’re calling me selfish because I’m not letting that stuff go, and now you’re asking me if I’ve forgotten. What is it you want me to do, Tanner? Feel sorry for myself, or let it go?”
“Fuck,” he yells so loudly I flinch. “I don’t know a fuckin’ thing, Callie. I can’t sleep, I can’t fuckin’ think, my head spins all day and I feel like I’m goin’ to lose my fuckin’ mind. I’ve lost my best friend, I’ve got the girl I was tormenting wrongly for months in the car with me, and I can’t fuckin’ breathe!”
He’s roaring now, his voice an angry bark that makes my whole body feel tight. Ethan is sitting up now, and his face is concerned. “Tanner, calm down,” he says, his voice careful. “It’s not goin’ to make you feel any better.”
“Get fucked, Ethan,” Tanner bellows, slamming his fist onto the steering wheel angrily. “You know nothin’ about anything because you fuckin’ took her side. You took her fuckin’ side instead of stickin’ by your family.”
“That’s because she’s fuckin’ innocent, Tanner,” Ethan growls back.
Oh, boy.
“So was Celia!” Tanner roars, his fingers so tense around the steering wheel. “So was Celia! She didn’t deserve to fuckin’ die!”
“Calm down, Tanner,” Ethan says again.
“Fuckin’ fuck you!”
“Tanner,” I say, worried now that he’ll have an accident. “You need to pull over.”
“Don’t tell me what to fuckin’ do, Callie. Are you scared that I might hit someone? Kill them like you killed her? An accident? Is it ever truly a fuckin’ accident? I can’t handle this shit anymore. I want to like you, then I want to fuckin’ hate you. I can’t put my mind in the right place. You weren’t watchin’, if you were watchin’ Celia would still be here.”
“Accidents happen all the time, you cannot blame me forever,” I yell at him.
“Can’t I?” he laughs, bitterly. “It’s a fuckin’ lot easier.”
“Fuck you, Tanner!”
He glances over at me, quickly, his eyes locking onto mine, “Fuck you, Callie. It’s your fault she’s dead. An accident, I call fuckin’—”
“Tanner!” Ethan suddenly roars. “Watch out!”
Tanner’s head whips back to the front of the car and he realizes he’s near a pedestrian crossing. There is an older lady walking across it. He reacts quickly, slamming on his brakes so hard my hands fly out in front of me, smashing into the windshield. Pain shoots through my arm as the car skids slightly to the left, Tanner’s attempt to miss the old woman. She stops, her eyes wide, her hands on her chest.
Flashes of memory come flooding back into my mind.
I see it all again.
Celia’s face.
Her eyes.
The smile she gave me.
I don’t real
ize I’m screaming until the car comes to a stop, mere inches from the old woman.
So fucking close.
I can’t breathe.
My breaths are coming in short, hard bursts as fear grips my body. I almost relived that moment again. The pain that came with it. The horror that followed after it. I’m going to pass out. I can’t get control of my breathing. My hands are trembling. Everything around me is spinning.
I need to get out of this car.
I need to move.
Now.
I unclip my belt in a haze, panting and whimpering as I shove the door open and stumble out of the car. There are people around the old woman now, and Tatum’s car has stopped behind us.
I can’t stop.
“Callie!” Tanner yells as I start running.
I don’t know where we are.
I don’t even know what I’m doing.
All I know is I can’t control myself.
Every single emotion I’ve held in for the last seven years comes flooding out.
Jo calls my name.
Tanner calls my name.
Ethan calls my name.
I just keep running.
I see Celia’s face.
I see that old woman’s face.
I hear Tanner’s words over and over in my mind.
Everything consumes me until I can’t breathe anymore.
I don’t know how far I’ve run, but I know nobody is behind me anymore.
I drop down, my hands hitting my knees as my body buckles forward. I heave and dry retch, unable to keep the emotions in any longer. I sob angrily, my whole body shaking. A few people stop and ask if I’m okay, but none of them stick around. People don’t want to deal with someone like me. People don’t want to help.
Nobody gives a damn.
Tanner is right. It is my fault Celia is dead. It is my fault that she is no longer with her family. I can blame everyone all I want, but I was behind the wheel of that car.
I was driving.
It was me.
Just like if Tanner hit that old woman, it would have been on him.
Nobody else.
It wouldn’t have mattered that I was distracting him, or that the old woman was on the road. No. It was his responsibility to operate that vehicle safely. If he didn’t do that, then it would have been his fault.
