by Bella Jewel
“Yeah,” he says, standing. “Yeah I know. It’s a damn shame, isn’t it?”
With that, he turns and walks out.
Dammit.
One step forward, three steps backward.
There is no middle ground with Tanner and me. There is so much water under the bridge it’s hard to let things go. I wish I could say everything I’m feeling to him, but I just don’t know how. He’s so angry at me, so hurt and so disappointed. I no longer know how to communicate without making things worse.
But with Celia’s birthday being tomorrow, I know he needs someone to understand. Even if it’s just for a minute.
Maybe I’ll do something for him, something that means a lot. Like get Jo to give him a tattoo from me. Something to represent the sister he lost, the sister he still hurts so heavily over. She is always going to be on this cloud right above Tanner's and my heads, always floating there, never totally going away. Occasionally, she will rain on us. Occasionally, she brings the sun. Most of the time, she brings a storm.
A storm that forever has us crashing together and then ripped apart again.
I’m in love with Tanner Yates, there is no point denying it anymore. I can’t. I try to, but the truth is, every single time I’m with him, all I can think about is how much I want him, even after all this time. I’m angry, and I’m hurt, but that doesn’t cover the ache of love in my heart that I so desperately want to bring forward.
He hates me.
He has every right to hate me.
But it hurts, it really does.
I exhale and pick up the cold pack of ice, bringing it to my cheek and closing my eyes.
I think about Celia, as I do often. I wonder what she liked to do for her birthdays. Did she have a special place? Did their family do something nice? Did she like sweets or a cake? Decorations? Music? Or did she just prefer to be with her family over a nice dinner? These are all things I should have been asking Tanner all those years ago, instead of chasing Chase across the country.
I should have been focusing on her and the joy she brought to his life. Instead of focusing on the pain that surrounded us all when she left.
I look back now, and it all seems so incredibly obvious, yet at the time, it was all I could see. My freedom. What I wanted. What I needed. The things that would make me feel better. Never once did I stop and think of the things that would make him feel better. Maybe that’s what Madeline does, maybe that’s why he said she’s a better woman than me.
She heals parts of him that I kept ripping open.
I shouldn’t have left without an explanation. Now, looking back, I realize it was possibly the most selfish thing I’ve ever done, but at the time I didn’t see clearly like I do now. I lost the best thing to ever happen to me out of fear. I was scared that Celia would forever hang over our heads, and instead of embracing her and her part in his life, I threw it away.
I’m going to fix it, even if it’s just to finish things the right way.
It won’t be easy.
He’s with someone else now.
But it is the right thing to do.
I owe him that much.
17
JOANNE
“Of course,” I tell Callie, organizing my ink for the day in little bottles, preparing my gun for my first official customer.
Alarick was pleased with my results on the piece he gave me, and he told me I can officially work full time under him. I was so excited I wanted to hug him, but of course I didn’t because, man, that would have been awkward. Still, it’s everything I ever wanted. Well, not what I always wanted, hell I never even thought my drawing skills would get me anywhere, let alone here, but life has a way of taking you somewhere you never expected.
“Thank you so much, that’s amazing. You won’t get into trouble?”
I shake my head. “No, you’re paying, it doesn’t matter who you’re paying for. I have space this afternoon, if you have something in mind you’d like for him.”
Callie frowns, and her face is super swollen today. When I found out what happened to her, I freaked out. She assured me she was fine, but dammit, they’re getting too close. The men decided they’d stay with us even during work now. Though, Alarick agreed when I’m here, he’ll have someone with me at all times. So it’s mostly when we’re at home, or out and about. Tanner is going to drop Callie off to work and pick her up, walking her in and out. She’s safe while she’s in there.
Things are getting ... heated, so to speak.
“I don’t really know what to get him, that’s the thing. Obviously, I want something to do with Celia, because it’s her birthday today, I just don’t know what.”
“Leave it with me, I’ll come up with something amazing before you bring him in.”
She’s paying for Tanner to get a tattoo of Celia, to mark her birthday, but also so he can have something on him at all times that memorializes his sister. It’s a great idea, I only hope it’ll go down well and he’ll see that she has good intentions. The tension between the two of them is probably stronger than the tension between Tatum and myself, and that’s saying something.
“Thank you so much for this. There’s something else I want to do for him, though I don’t know if he’s going to be okay with it. Still, he can’t hate me any more than he already does, right?”
I smile at her, feeling bad because I know it’s killing her. I know seeing him with Madeline kills her. I know it all bothers her, but she’s keeping a straight face about it all, hiding it well. I’m her best friend, though; I have seen the worst of her so I know when she’s hanging onto pain and trying to cover it up.
“You’re doing the right thing, not reacting to all of this,” I tell her, lining my chair with plastic for sanitary reasons. “I know it’s hurting you.”
“Yeah,” she exhales, “it’s not easy. Seeing him with Madeline. Last night, after he helped me out, I had to go out and sit with them to eat dinner. His hand kept rubbing up and down her leg and ...”
Her voice trails off and her face pinches. I stop what I’m doing and give her a look that tells her I understand, I really do. I couldn’t imagine anything worse. That feeling would be all-consuming, and I know she’s dealt with enough in her life. She deserves happiness, but it seems wherever she goes, she can’t seem to find it.
“It’ll be over soon,” I say gently.
“What if he’s making love to her in that bed? Some nights I lay there, when the house is silent, and I think about it. I listen, to see if I can hear it, and then I feel so stupid for letting myself be so pathetic. It’s just so hard. Knowing they’re in there together. It hurts.”
“You’re more than welcome to come and get into my bed anytime,” I tell her. “If it becomes too much. I mean, you have to put up with Tatum and Ethan, but that’s not as bad as Tanner and Madeline.”
Callie exhales. “Yeah, Ethan. I want to talk to him but every time we’re in the same room, he just leaves or avoids me. He’s hurt, probably the most, considering everything we’ve been through. I don’t know how to talk to him, or how to get him to listen.”
“Tie him up, I think that’s your best option,” I say, and I hear her chuckle.
“It’s not a bad idea.”
“Seriously, though, just demand to talk to him. He’ll hear you out. Remind him that he fucked up once, and you heard him out. He owes you the same.”
She grins. “You’re brutal, but I love it.”
I shrug. “I’m tired of not saying it how it is. It’s time we all got it out in the open, even if it’s the last time we’re all together.”
The idea of that hurts, I won’t lie. It cuts me, right to my core. Even though there is so much tension around, being around all of them again, having us all together, it feels good. So fucking good. I’ve missed it more than I realized. The idea of them leaving once this is done and us never seeing them again really bothers me.
I just don’t know what to do about it at this point.
“Yeah,” Callie mur
murs, no doubt having the same thought as me. “You know what, I think we need a break. Come over to my place tomorrow night, after work, and we’ll have a few drinks. Just me and you. We’ll lock the rest of the world out.”
I nod, grinning. “Sounds good to me.”
“Okay, well, I’ll get Tanner in here. I’ll see you later?”
“See you, honey.”
When she’s gone, I busy myself preparing my station and then doing a few small client tattoos that come in, like butterflies and flowers. When I’ve finished up the last one for a few hours, I clean up and look over to Alarick, who came in not long after Callie left. He’s been doing a huge back piece and hasn’t stopped. He must be exhausted.
“I’m going to grab a coffee and some lunch,” I say to him. “You want?”
“Yeah,” he murmurs, his arm flexing as he keeps shading.
“Okay.”
I walk out and to the café which is only next door. It’s super convenient, especially on busy days. We can grab our coffees and lunch, or even breakfast. Occasionally dinner if there is a big job in. It’s handy, and it’s right there, so I figure it’s safe enough to walk just next door. I can still see the shop window standing out front of the café.
I’m wrong. Of course.
The moment I reach the café, a hand curls around my arm and I’m jerked to the side of the building so quickly I can’t even scream. My body is slammed against the wall and a hand clamps over my mouth. A man I’ve never seen before is standing in front of me, wearing a dark hoodie and sunglasses so I can’t see his face. A gun is pressed to my belly, and his other hand is covering my mouth.
“Don’t fuckin’ move.”
Oh god.
Are they watching this closely that they jumped on the chance for me to take one step out and they’re on me?
I’m scared. I can’t fight, because if I do, he’s just as likely to shoot me and walk away, leaving me here in the hustle and bustle to be found, dead on the street. He’s got me at a disadvantage, and he knows it.
My heart starts to race, and my palms sweat as I realize that I’m screwed. He’s going to walk out of here with me and nobody will know. Well, Alarick will know a few minutes after I’m gone, but it’ll be too late by then.
God dammit.
Why is this happening?
“Fuckin’ step away from her, or I’ll blow your fuckin’ brains all over this pathway.”
Alarick’s voice has us both whipping our heads around to see him standing at the end of the building, gun pointed right at the other guy’s head, eyes fierce and angry. The guy hesitates, for a brief second, and then lets me go and runs, just like he did when he got busted with Callie. Whoever it is that has the crappy job of getting hold of us apparently isn’t that good at it.
“You okay?” Alarick asks, walking over and doing a quick once over of me.
“Yeah,” I say, my voice shaky. “He came out of nowhere.”
“Worse than I thought, these guys want you and they’re gettin’ ballsy in their attempts.”
“H-h-h-how did you know he took me?” I ask, my voice still shaking.
“As soon as you walked out, I remembered I promised Tatum I’d watch you. Figured I’d come and check, lucky for you I did.”
“Thank you,” I whisper, taking a step in his direction on trembling legs.
“No problem. Goin’ to have to get more eyes on the place. I’ll work it out. Let’s get back to work.”
We both walk back to the shop, abandoning our lunch, and Alarick peers around as we move, his eyes scanning over everything, every car, every person, every shop. He’s looking for them, but I don’t think he’s going to find them, hell, we don’t even know who we’re looking for at this point.
We don’t know what his men look like.
“Goin’ to call my brothers around here, get them to check things out,” he says sitting down and getting back to the tattoo he was doing before he came to save my ass. “Get a watch put on you, extra security.”
“I just ...” I say, hesitating as I sit on my chair. “I don’t get it.”
“Not up to you to get it. Those men are on a mission and they’re goin’ to complete that mission to make a point.”
“Because we went to the cops?”
Alarick nods, starting up his gun and getting back to work. “Let me explain somethin’ to you. Men like that, they have a reputation to uphold. Know, because I’ve been there, I am there. You bring a group like that down, and they let you get away with it, people notice. They let you go, they start openin’ the doors to everyone messin’ with them. No, they need to make a point, and that point is that nobody fucks with them.”
Makes sense.
It really does.
“How do we get out of it then, if they’re not going to ever let it go?”
Alarick pauses and looks up at me. His look says everything. He doesn’t need to say the words, he doesn’t need to explain any further, I know exactly what his look is saying.
The only way to get out of it ...
Is to kill them.
“YOU KNOW WHAT YOU’RE doin’ here?” Tanner asks, pulling his shirt up and over his head, and then lying on the table, facing me, his big chest on display.
I can see why Callie finds it so hard not to stare at him, to be obsessed with him, to want him the way she does. He’s gorgeous, but not only that, he’s masculine and he’s strong. He’s a powerful man, and he knows it. He carries it with pride.
“Yes,” I say to him. “Are you sure you want this?”
“Callie wants me to have it.”
“It’s not Callie’s body,” I say, wiping the blank spot over his heart where I’m going to put the tattoo I designed.
“Never thought to get somethin’ for Celia, I’m not against it.”
“Good, because once it’s on here, it isn’t coming off. Do you want to see it?”
He shakes his head. “No, this is her thing. Let her do it.”
I place the template on and transfer the ink onto his skin, giving me a clear outline of the gorgeous design with Celia’s name in it. I made this one more masculine, incorporating a cross, and some unique patterns. It’s really great, and I’m super proud of it. I know it meant a lot to Callie to get this done for Tanner.
“I didn’t think you would let her do it,” I say, waving my hand over his chest to dry the ink so I can get started.
“Why wouldn’t I?” he asks, his eyes meeting mine for a moment before going back to stare at the pictures on the walls that line the entire shop.
Pictures of ink, and designs, and certificates.
“You know why,” I say, loading my tattoo gun. “You two aren’t exactly seeing eye to eye.”
“Do you expect that we would?”
I shake my head. “No, no I don’t expect that. I know you’re angry at her, but that’s because you don’t understand her. Not really. She did what she had to do. You have no idea what it’s like to live Callie’s life.”
“Enlighten me,” he murmurs, putting his hands by his side as I start the gun up, dipping it in ink.
I bring it to his skin, leaning against him, feeling like I’m getting way too close for comfort with someone that means so much to Callie, but I don’t really have a choice.
“She never lived. What happened with Celia happened at such a young age. She never got to experience life, or fun, or parties, or boys, or anything that we all got to enjoy growing up. She lived with pain, and trauma, and then she got out and found more pain, and more trauma. She trusted people, and those people broke her, yet she still stuck around, she still wanted to fix things. You need to understand what that’s like. To live with those feelings every single day.”
“She didn’t have to leave without sayin’ goodbye.”
“No,” I say, steadying my hand to do the outline, “she didn’t. But she was scared. Her whole world was spinning. Imagine, please, for one second, that you’re her. She wanted to be with you, but she knew your
family would never accept her. She knew you would never accept her. She was afraid and she was confused. She ran, and she shouldn’t have done that, but if you can honestly say you don’t understand it, then you’re lying to yourself.”
He goes silent for a moment, then says, “It fuckin’ broke me. Do you understand? It broke me when I realized she was gone. Everythin’ that had happened, and she left it all hanging, with no closure. I know what I did to her, I know what she lived through, I just didn’t expect her to leave without telling me.”
“She made a mistake, Tanner. We’re humans, we all make them. She just needed to breathe again, to have fun, to live. God, the girl has never even been on a real date with someone she loves, she’s never been on a vacation, never ridden on a horse or surfed waves, she’s never been hiking or to a drive in. Don’t you understand? She has never been free. Never.”
“Is she free now?” Tanner asks.
I shake my head. “No, she’s not. She was finally getting somewhere, but now this has come along. She still doesn’t know how to breathe, and she deserves to.”
“She’s got a boyfriend?”
“Jake? No. He’s not. She’s seeing him, but ...”
I trail off, not sure I should go on. Callie trusts me, and I don’t want to break her trust, but at the same time I don’t want her ruining the rest of her life by not being honest with herself, or those around her. She’s in love with Tanner, every single time she looks at him, her eyes change, her face changes, and I know her heart belongs to him, even if it is complicated.
“But what?” Tanner urges, when I don’t go on.
“But her heart doesn’t belong to him. She’s dated a few men, but none of them last. That’s because she only has space for one person and that person just brought another woman into her home and is flaunting it in her face just to get back at her. She doesn’t deserve that.”
He goes silent, for so long I wonder if I’ve really gone and put my foot in it.
“I never brought Madeline in to hurt her. I didn’t ...”
“You didn’t realize she is still in love with you? Surely, you’re not that simple, Tanner.”
